cjsthoughts

cjsthoughts: Thank you all for reviewing and liking my work on Today I found a friend!..
Today I Found a Friend... finished first in the member created contest "Found It"
THANK YOU ALL!

cjsthoughts: "WHEN YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, SOMETIMES ITS BETTER TO DO NOTHING"!

cjsthoughts: GOD

G =GOOD
O =ORDERLY
D =DIRECTION

cjsthoughts: Emotion Captures Quiet Musical Notes

Beauty
wraps us in smiles;
fluttered wisps which linger
on the edge of silent desire,
kiss me?

Laughter
dances passion
across these cool heartbeats,
giggles flip romance in the air
with grins.

This love
will roam soft songs
while fragrant emotion
captures quiet musical notes
in breath.

Let's rush
through wild rainbows,
relax muscles as mist
caresses our wonderful love;
so fine.

Rich life
slips freedom's bliss
into mouths exploring
as daylight waves goodbye to us
with sighs.

Beauty
dances passion
while fragrant emotion
caresses our wonderful love
with sighs.

cjsthoughts: The Roaring Rain
The only thing I can see through the window is thick rain drops piercing down on my conscious.
I stay in the middle of my bed curled up and trying to shield myself from the unknown.
I feel like it is never going to shine and never going to stop raining.
The night seems restless and everlasting.
A loud Roar of wind comes crashing down on my window.
I feel that itâ??s trying to get inside and take me away.
Why canâ??t this night end soon?!
Iâ??m utterly alone in confining myself to this prison called home.
Iâ??m in solitude that has despair written all around it.
Thereâ??s no where else to turn.
Desperate for this night to be over.
Iâ??m daring the sun to come out,
But it doesnâ??t.
My ears catch every rain drop that falls, while my eyes are blinded shut by darkness.
I stay curled in my fragile state, wishing for this dreadful night to end.
Thereâ??s no peaked window that is not surrounded by the pitch black darkness of the night.
Thereâ??s no opening of light to which my skin feels warmth.
Thereâ??s no crystal clear view, only the solitary confinement which Iâ??m in.
I have nothing else to do but sit and wait.
Quietly crunched in my bed, waiting for darkness to fade into the sunlight.
I will wait!
Trying to contain my thoughts in silence.
I must simply waitâ?¦..In hopes that I will not fade within the darkness

cjsthoughts: ME

Can't you see
The pain in my eyes?
But this is me
And my life.
If you hold me close
You can hear my heart
It cries more than most
From being torn apart.
After every breath I take,
After every fight I witness,
I ask "why must I awake?"
Will I ever conquer forgiveness?
Can you ever truly
Forgive without forgetting?
I am lonely.
My life I am abandoning.
From pain I am running.
Even though these tears are streaming
I will never look back.
All in all,
I have one question to ask.
Would you still catch me if I fall?
Maybe one day you will see.
This is how I live,
And this is me.

cjsthoughts:
INSIDE OUT..

Outside lives a girl with a smile that will brighten up the room,
yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.

Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that brings you to ease,
yet inside hides a girl shedding tears of sadness.

Outside lives a girl with a beautiful laugh that's contagious,
yet inside hides a girl screaming her lungs out in unwanted anger.

Outside lives a girl with the personality everyone envies,
yet inside hides a girl full of insecurities and shame.

Outside lives a girl who is fearless and tough,
yet inside hides a weak girl who lives in fear.

Outside lives a girl full of life,
yet inside hides a girl full of pain, wanting to die.

Outside lives a girl with a perfect image,
yet inside hides a girl with regrets and mistakes.

Outside lives a girl of innocence,
yet inside hides a girl with tremendous guilt.

Outside lives a girl with goals and aspirations,
yet inside lives a girl lost in confusion.

What you see on the outside is my personal disguise,
What hides underneath you can't even begin to imagine

cjsthoughts: Sleep Never Came!


Sleep Can Never Come
Stripped of my comfort,
I have no place to sleep.
Confused with anxiety,
I can only weep.

Why did this happen?
Oh why is it me?
I don't know what to do,
This time, I can't flee.

With no where to run,
I think I'll lay down.
Only for a bit,
Until the day I'm found.

cjsthoughts: I met myself

I met myself,
reflections gathered
the dust of years,
smiled with hunger.

I listened,
with rapt attention,
to my mouth's curves
speaking backward
to my captive eyes.

'Open this life,
quench your thirst
with love,
beautiful heart.
Eat of this spirit.'

And so
I fed myself
promises,
laughed wine
down the front
of my feelings.

Loneliness faltered,
split hairs, ran across
the back of my neck.

I met myself
as I was leaving.

cjsthoughts: I neeed feedback on wether or not to edit my poem like this? and make it a
Prose Piece or stanzas...
Thanks
Read Below:
and retitle a letter from heaven? Instead of Heaven? FEEDBACK APPRECIATED.
Dear Mommy,

I am in Heaven now, sitting on Jesus' lap.
He loves me and cries with me, for my heart has been
broken.

I so wanted to be your little girl.

I don't quite understand what has happened.
I was so excited when I began realizing my chance.
I was in a dark, yet comfortable place.
I saw I had fingers and toes.
I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near
ready to leave my surroundings.

I spent most of my
time thinking or sleeping.

Even from my earliest days,
I felt a special bonding between you and me.

Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you.
Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry.
I heard Daddy yelling back.
I was sad, and hoped you would be
better soon.

I wondered why you cried so much.

One day you cried almost all of the day.
I hurt for you.
I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy.

That same day, the most horrible thing happened.
A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in.
I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never
once tried to help me.

Maybe you never heard me.

The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and
screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, help me please; Mommy, help
me."

Complete terror is all I felt.

I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore.
Then the monster started ripping my arm off.

It hurt so badly;
the pain I can never explain. It didn't stop.
Oh, how I begged it to stop.
I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off.
Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying.

I knew I would never see your face or hear you
say how much you love me. I wanted to make all your
tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy.

Now I couldn't; all my dreams were shattered.

Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my
heart breaking, above all.

I wanted more than anything
to be your daughter.

No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the
terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted
to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I
didn't know the words you could understand. And soon,
I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead.

I felt myself rising.
I was being carried, by a huge angel, into a big beautiful place.
I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone.

The angel took me to Jesus and set me on His lap.
He said He loved me, and He was my Father.
Then I was happy.

I asked Him what the thing was that killed me.

He answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, my child; for I know how it feels."
I don't know what abortion is; I guess that's the name
of the monster.

I'm writing to say that I love you and
to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl.
I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had
the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too
powerful. It sucked my arm and legs off and finally
got all of me.

It was impossible to live.

I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't
want to die. Also, Mommy, please watch out for that
abortion monster. Mommy, I love you and I would hate
for you to go through the kind of pain I did.

Please be careful.

Love,
Your Baby

cjsthoughts: "IT IS WHAT IT IS"....

cjsthoughts: "IF YOU FEEL IT, AND ITS YOUR THOUGHT, THEN ITS "VALID...."

cjsthoughts: ACROSTIC....
Dissociate from your life
Escape the reality
Xrayed from god knows where
Taken from the world of strife
Ripped from you body like an Iraq war Fatality
On your knees you say a prayer
Mind? You don't have one
Essentially this is the end
The only problem is you
Have no beginning all is done
On the void you start to transcend
Realizing what this drug has brought to you
Perhaps if you had knew
Here forever would you be
And that you could never be free
Never would you have taken this drug you decree


Here you lie in the bathroom floor
You are not sure if you can take this anymore
Drained to the core
Regurgitating the food you ate before
Overdose? You start to worry
Being that the room is blurry
Reinforced by the furry
Of your heart and lung's hurry
Morning comes you're happy to be alive
In the car you run and start to drive
Dreading all the thing you almost never did
Engaging life, lest you waste it, ... heaven forbid

cjsthoughts: Anxiously living in a beat-up enviorment
not always knowing what to do.
Feeling a game of loss in life
although my beliefs are true
trying to stay focused and learning to say NO!
I feel as if I got lost somewhere?
As my feelings got real low.
I'm trying to fight my battle
for i dont have a weapon
I feel like im bareback on a horse without the saddle.
Disconnected abrubtly.. Feelings of neglect
looking back from deep within
and feeling and remembering the regrets.
Never did i wish to be locked up again.
These feelings are undescribable.
This time I wont pretend
I will let my feelings go
not to forget...
But to remember to be able to bring these feeings to an END!

"AND LET MY POSITIVE ENERGY FLOW".
CJ

cjsthoughts: Here now, we take a walk
down a deadend street
As we look foward, we look back
and seek our souls mistique
can an eye replace an eye
can a tooth replace a tooth
does "redemption" mean a life for a life?
Is truth as we believe it; TRUTH?
Should this man die for the crimes been done?
And some jury's named his fate!
Should this man breathe his final breathe;
and join his soulshe did take?!
Did JESUS die upon the cross and say; "FATHER FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THY DO."
Should EVERYMAN be condemned too die for being as....
"HUMAN AS ME AND YOU"

cjsthoughts: Wanted
Do you ever feel unwanted,
like no one seems to care?
Like every time you look out a window,
there's always someone there.

They're mocking you with hurtful threats,
and laughing at your pain.
The feelings everyone has felt,
they never seem the same.

Do you ever feel unwanted,
like no one seems to care?
Like every time you turn around,
your friends all laugh and stare.

And as you turn back around,
they talk to you and smile.
But as you walk away from them,
they giggle in denial.

Do you ever feel wanted,
like everyone seems to care.
Like no matter how much you mess up,
everyone will still be there.

To comfort you threw the bad times,
or hang with you threw the good.
But no matter how wanted you feel,
you'll never be understood.

cjsthoughts: "Fake it till you make it"

cjsthoughts: A Baby's View on Abortion


Dear Mommy,

I am in Heaven now, sitting on Jesus' lap. He
loves me and cries with me, for my heart has been
broken. I so wanted to be your little girl. I don't
quite understand what has happened. I was so excited
when I began realizing my chance. I was in a dark,
yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes.
I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near
ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my
time thinking or sleeping. Even from my earliest
days, I felt a special bonding between you and me.
Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you.
Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard
Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be
better soon. I wondered why you cried so much. One
day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I
couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy. That same
day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean
monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was
in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never
once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me. The
monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and
screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, help me please; Mommy, help
me." Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and
screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore. Then the
monster started ripping my arm off. It hurt so badly;
the pain I can never explain. It didn't stop. Oh, how
I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as it ripped
my leg off. Though I was in such complete pain, I was
dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you
say how much you love me. I wanted to make all your
tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy.
Now I couldn't; all my dreams were shattered. Though
I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my
heart breaking, above all. I wanted more than
anything to be your daughter. No use now, for I was
dying a painful death. I could only imagine the
terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted
to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I
didn't know the words you could understand. And soon,
I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I
felt myself rising. I was being carried, by a huge
angel, into a big beautiful place. I was still crying,
but the physical pain was gone. The angel took me to
Jesus and set me on His lap. He said He loved me, and
He was my Father. Then I was happy. I asked Him what
the thing was that killed me. He answered, "Abortion.
I am sorry, my child; for I know how it feels." I
don't know what abortion is; I guess that's the name
of the monster. I'm writing to say that I love you and
to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl.
I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had
the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too
powerful. It sucked my arm and legs off and finally
got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just
wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't
want to die. Also, Mommy, please watch out for that
abortion monster. Mommy, I love you and I would hate
for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please
be careful.

Love,
Your Baby

cjsthoughts: Nothing Ends, Nothing Stays


Nothing ends
Nothing stays
Each end
Promises new beginning
And each beginning
Promises new end

End of shore
Promises beginning of the sea
And beginning of the sea
Promises another shore

Dawn of night
Promises beginning of new day
And beginning of new day
Promises another night

Conception of each fetus delivery
Promises beginning of new life
And beginning of each new life
Promises grave some day

Nothing ends
Nothing stays
Each end
Promises new beginning
And each beginning
Promises new end.

cjsthoughts:


Addicted

When things are going down and you wanna pick it up
Why don't you try and do what I do
The wy I know to get you out of that slump is
To listen to music that puts a smile on your face
I won't let you be down so you better start jumping
Cause you're making me ill
No one says when they grow up
They wanna be an addict well, I wouldn't have it another way
When things are going down and you wanna pick it up
Why don't you try and do what I do
I know some days you get dealt a bad hand
So listen to music that puts a smile on your face
I won't let you be down so you better start jumping
Cause you're making me ill, no one says when they grow up
They wanna be an addict well, I wouldn't have it another way
While your passing through my way give me some s-k-a
On my tonuue and in my veins, I wouldn't have it another way
I'm only telling you once I haven't told you before
That I can't stand people like you, thinking the way
I spend my time is all a shame, you say we are all the same
But when you look at us you say that could've been me
If I just followed my my dreams,
I'd rather do it now and regret it later,
Hey I wouldn't waste another day.
Why you tryin' to rule my world, see the tables slowly turn
You're the one whose wasting their time it's all a shame
But when you look at us you say that could've been me
If I just followed my my dreams,
I'd rather do it now and regret it later,
Hey I wouldn't waste another day.
Why you tryin' to rule my world, see the tables slowly turn
You're the one whose wasting their time it's all a shame
You're all the S A M E

cjsthoughts: GOD'S PHARMACY

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye, and yes science now shows that carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has 4 chambers and is red. The heart is red and has 4 chambers. All of the research shows tomatoes are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows that grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums.

Even the wrinkles or folds are on the nut just like the neo-cortex. We now know that walnuts help develop over 3 dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium.

If you don't have enough sodium in your diet the body pulls it from the bones, making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Eggplant, Avocadoes and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female; they look just like these organs.

Today's research shows that when a woman eats 1 avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight and prevents cervical cancers.

And how profound is this?

It takes exactly 9 months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit.

There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the motility of male sperm and increase the numbers of sperm cells to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics. Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries.

Grapefruits, Oranges, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like body cells. Today's research shows that onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes.

cjsthoughts: A Poem Of Love To My Daughter
Who's More Special To Me Than She'll Ever Know
(Written by me .... to Aryana when she was 16)

I carried you beneath my heart for just about a year,
A movement with no face or name, but to me you were quite dear.
And on a very hot night, the labor finally came,
Such joy, such bliss, such love, that my heart could hardly contain.

I was much too young to have a child, only sixteen you know,
I knew nothing about being a mother, so we helped each other to grow.
Through good times, hard time, tragedies and cheers,
We came through them all, barely scarred, and then came the teenage years.

No longer are you beneath my heart, where I can keep you safe,
You're exposed to life, though not alone, and there are many chafes.
And though now I keep you in my heart, in a Mother's special way,
My only way to protect you, is to go to the Lord and pray.

I love you more than you'll ever know,
And though sometimes I fuss, I'm only trying to help you grow.
I wish God had provided me with a parents manual,
But I guess he did, it's called .... The Bible.

If I could look into your heart, I wonder what I'd see,
Hopes, fears, dreams, loves, it probably would surprise me.
You're in the best years of your life and happy you should be,
THIS LIFE THAT CAME FROM ME.

Love,

Mom

cjsthoughts: ã??

Choke on thisâ?¦.

Half smoked cigarettes and your the trash that infests my sheets
Can't make a wife out of a whore, don't want your skin on me
And you're, you're addicted to the drug of lust
A de-toxing the cold sweat of shame
and I love your pain

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on a dusty shelf

So this love's been worn down, like songs on a tape
The sex has lost all of its fun, like gum loses taste
And you're, you're addicted to the drug of lust,
A de-toxing the cold sweat of shame
and I love your pain

I'm here lying in your bed babe
Remember what you said to me
"You can be my James Dean, I'll be your sweet queen"
I said that you were my first, but you weren't even close no
Like a frame in a movie, you're just one of many
Can you grant me one last wish
Play russian roulette as we kiss
I'll be your cheap novelty
Blow your brains out on me
Let me tell you a story about a backfired rocketship
Some trees just can't bloom if the seed of potential never splits
Some trees just can't bloom
They never will

Born to a life of a briught future with every chance to excel
Instead he took this fucking chances with the cheapest goddamn thrills
He'd do anything, he'd take anything for a moment's satisfaction
Sweet seconds of pleasure could never measure to a lifetime of addiction

In the dark night, he tries to remember a future once so bright
'It won't happen to me, it won't happen to me, it won't happen to me'
Thats what they always fucking say

The man who thinks he's above misery, hurt and harm and pain is the man who lives his life tightly bound as a slave in chains of a neverending abyss, of an artificial bliss

And he lives just like a slave for giving his life away for nothing

cjsthoughts: Poems

An Angel Left Her Wings

© Cheryl A. Moschitto

I have this little angel. For me she left her wings.
She has no idea how much happiness she truly brings.
She brightens up my days with her smiles and her laughs.
She helps me to remember all the blessings that I have.

Her face, it is so perfect, she's sweet and soft and pure.
Sometimes she can be willful and sometimes she is demure.
She tries her very hardest to please and do what's right.
She gives the greatest hugs from morning until night.

Every person that has known her sees this light within her soul
I know that in this whole great world, she has a special role.
She's helpful and considerate to everyone she knows
This light in her shines brighter as my angel grows.

When she sees someone is sad, it opens up her heart.
She wants to do all that she can; she wants to do her part.
She'll squeeze away the sorrow and make me forget about my pain.
She shows me where the sun is when we're hiding from the rain.

I know that God must love me, He showed me with His Grace
I knew just how completely when I saw my angel's face.
And in that very moment when she came into my world,
I knew that she was so much more than just my baby girl.

She would be my sunshine, with a sweetness that won't end.
And when she grows up one day she would be my closest friend.
She would be the reason I would always try my best.
For my little angel baby girl would be my greatest test.

When God entrusts to you an angel, who has left her wings for you.
Encircle her with love with everything you do.
Let her know God made her, and that He trusts you with her care.
Be sure to make time for special moments with her to share.

And when at night she finally says her prayers and goes to sleep
I Thank Him for my angel, and ask for him to always keep
A watchful eye and hand to protect her from this world.
Protect my little angel; protect my baby girl.

cjsthoughts: My BooK..



Outward Silence


By: Cheryl A. Moschitto


I am a recovering addict of an addicted child who has inspired me to release thoughts that I think can and will help many addicts in recovery, active addicts, and families who suffer through this long life journey to try and see that there is another way to live.


When an individual begins to abuse drugs, the whole family is affected. Depending on the severity of the addiction, they may begin to steal or borrow money from the family, act strange and spend days living on the street. The only thing that is important is how they will get their next high. There may be conflicts in the family about how to treat this individual. Some may continue to support him while others adopt a tough love strategy. It is difficult to know what to do, and heartbreaking to see an individual become a slave to a drug. I write in lifeâ??s experiences, through myself and others. Also take a moment of silence for the sick and suffering. Remember if you canâ??t help an addict, donâ??t hurt them.


ADDICTION: Drug dependence: a state of physiological or psychological dependence on a potentially harmful drug.

Addicts: â??Experts at feeling better, terrible at getting betterâ??


A Poem Of Love To My Daughter Whoâ??s More Special To Me Than She'll Ever Know
(Written by meâ?¦ To Aryana when she was 16)

I carried you beneath my heart for just about a year,
a movement with no face or name, but to me you were quite dear.
And on a very hot night, the labor finally came,
such joy, such bliss, such love, that my heart could hardly contain.

I was much too young to have a child, only sixteen you know,
I knew nothing about being a mother, so we helped each other to grow.
Through good times, hard time, tragedies and cheers,
we came through them all, barely scarred, and then came the teenage years.

No longer are you beneath my heart, where I can keep you safe,
youâ??re exposed to life, though not alone, and there are many chafes.
And though now I keep you in my heart, in a Mother's special way,
my only way to protect you is to go to the Lord and pray.

I love you more than you'll ever know,
and though sometimes I fuss, I'm only trying to help you grow.
I wish God had provided me with a parents manual,
But I guess he did, it's called.â?¦ The Bible.

If I could look into your heart, I wonder what I'd see,
Hopes, fears, dreams, loves, it probably would surprise me.
You're in the best years of your life and happy you should be,
THIS LIFE THAT CAME FROM ME.

I love you.

Love,

Mom


I hope that you find all or even some of the information in this book helpful and beneficially

I would like to share a little bit about myself. My name is Cheryl; I am a gratified recovering addict. I came from a very dysfunctional, erratic family, as a lot of us addicts do.

I have one older sister and both my parents are together up until today. I remember as a child always feeling different than others, even as a 5 year old. My first memory ever on this planet was outside on a late fall day picking yellow buttercups and putting them under my chin to see if I liked butter, as my sister was playing with worms under the bricks beside our home. She was more of the rough, tom-boy/girl so to speak. I remember being the one that was â??girly,â?? loved my dresses, my long blond, brownish, straight hair that was always in place and clean, and I didnâ??t like to get dirty. My sister and I were very different at this time. But I loved her with all my heart and still looked up to her. As most siblings do. I remember asking my sister why her chin was yellow from the buttercup and mine wasnâ??t, I cried because I knew I loved butter and I thought there, right there, at that very instant that something was misconstrued with me.

My next memory I have of being very young was at about six years old also. I had a tonsillectomy. A near life death experience for me, as a six year old. I remember being in the hospital room after surgery and not feeling very well. A nurse came in to take a look at my throat and the blood just effused from my throat. Nurses and doctors picked me up and ran down a dark, scary, and horrifying corridor back to the operating room. Something went wrong? But needless to say they fixed it and my road to recovery for that was not long ahead of me.

I also have the memory of kindergarten when the teacher goes around the class and asks the students what they would like to be when they grew up? I remember being as apprehensive as a child. Always afraid I was going to ask the wrong question and that the students would laugh at me, make fun of me, and not understand me. Anyway, when my turn came to tell the teacher what I wanted to be, I asked, â??Can I be anything, anything at allâ??? She replied, â??yes, anything, Cheryl.â?? So I felt alleviate, I felt I could actually tell what and why I wanted to be without any afflict from anyone laughing at me. I remember I was relieved, yet that didnâ??t last long once again. I proposed that when I grow up, â??I wanted to be a windshield wiper,â?? Yes, a windshield wiper! The teacher asked why? I told her because I wanted to wash away the rain so people could always see. I know now what was going on now, I didnâ??t then. I was told I couldnâ??t be a windshield wiper! I was so sick I ended up in the nurseâ??s office crying and nauseous. I was home from school for 2 days after that. My mother tried putting me back together. When I went back to school, no one spoke a word about it. It felt so strange, yet it was becoming too familiar for me.

I lived in a home were my father was always working two jobs to support us and also was in a band. My mother was an active alcoholic. I spent a lot of my time with my grandparents who lived right next door. There seemed safe for me, real, pure, factual, genuine love. My grandmother shortly became my mother figure, I looked up to her and appreciated discipline from her. â??Kids do crave discipline.â?? I never did get that at home, only when it was convenient for my mother to put my sister and me to bed early so she could consume her bottle of booze. Donâ??t get me wrong my mother showed me love, well what I thought was love. She was an enabler, a martyr. She bought me and my sisterâ??s love with money, and control. She thought she had too; it was like all she knew. She couldnâ??t even control herself, let alone a six and a nine year old.

A lot of different things happened during the age of six and eleven to me, some were common; most were uncommon and never spoke a word about again till this day as I share it with you.

Then came that dayâ?¦ I was eleven years old I came in from school and no one was there but my sister and friend. They were in the back porch of the house smoking marijuana. I walked in on them and knew I smelled something I never smelled before and being eleven I was curious about what were they doing? As my mind pondered I opened up that back porch door only to be cornered by my sister holding my mouth open blowing marijuana smoke in my face three times as I was yelling, â??please stop, what is thatâ??? It was burning my eyes, and my throat. I remember finally getting myself out of there. I remember her saying, â??You better not tell mom or you will be in trouble too.â?? I thought to myself, â??I better shut my mouth.â?? I never spoke a word, ever.

Despite the fact that I â??thought,â?? I feared that day in the back porch. I wanted it to happen again, just differently. I wanted to be part of it, the part of not having to feel my feelings of things that bothered me so often as an eleven year old. You may think what feelings could an eleven year old possibly want to block out of there mind? Well, there was an abundant amount of things. As I said earlier between the age of six and eleven a lot of uncommon, strange things happened, for about a span of about one year I was sexually abused by my sister. I was also raped by my first boyfriend. We got drunk together and he took me into his friendâ??s parentâ??s garage and imposed himself sexually on me, I was eleven. I lost my virginity and didnâ??t even remember how it happened. All I really remember is his friend and him putting me in a big gold Cadillac and dropped me off on my parentâ??s front porch and left me there. I vaguely remember going into my parents home and trying to play it off. I went upstairs and called my best friend, crying to her about what had happened. She only lived a few streets away from me, she immediately told me to get to her house. I told my parents I was going to my friendâ??s house, again im not sure if they really didnâ??t know I was inebriated or if they just disregarded it and didnâ??t care. I went staggering to my best friendâ??s house. I remmeber being in her bathroom regurgitating the twelve beers I drank. As she was in the hallway right outside of her bathroom screaming on the phone at my boyfriend, and his friend for allowing this and doing what he did. I stayed there for the night and sobered up. My parents never called me and I never called them. I felt not only violated from what happened, but I also felt as if my parents didnâ??t worry much at all about me. A feeling once again of abandonment. That made me once again at the age of eleven feel so very aberrant. I wanted to feel loved, and protected. But at this stage I started to believe that the alcohol, the beer, the bottle, was my nurture and escape from this feeling of neglect.

So, I am sure you can probably guess that I went to my boyfriend for about another 2 months or so. With lots of alcohol and smoking marijuana with others here and there. The relationship with him ended when he cheated on me with another girl. I had another relationship, it was a self-medicated relationship. My bottle and my marijuana. It took all the pain away. Pain of the sexual abuse, the relationship rape, the abuse at home, the committee in my head. I learned as soon as I touched the bottle that it triggered a feeling of ease and contentment within my baffled, confused, eleven year old addicted mind.

I still continued to visit my grandmother and grandfather often. When I wasnâ??t with them or sleeping, or at school, I was getting high. A lot.

When I was twelve I met a guy who was nineteen. I quickly found out what the real hard core drugs were, not to mention hard core abuse, mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional abuse. This is the part of my life that was extreme in a damaging, dangerous, and detrimental way. I experimented with almost every drug. I was taught all the bad, wrong things in life. How to steal cars, how to run from cops, how to manipulate people, how to run away from home. I deceived a lot of people. I was a good person, doing bad things. I was constantly accompanied with a bad muster of people. I thought I was safe with them, I thought they would be what to me what I never had at home. I knew they always had â??The good stuff.â?? The stuff I spoke of that took all my cynical feelings away. The booze, the drugs, (many).

The abuse from my boyfriend, I thought it was okay, I didnâ??t get anything at home. So I looked at this guy who was 6 years older than me as a figure. A figure that maybe I should have had at home. Telling me when I looked like a whore, and then would beat me and rip up my clothes. Shortly after that my parents allowed him to move in there house in my room. I ended up getting pregnant. My mother dragged me to re-pro an abortion clinic. It was terrible; I remember trying to run from the clinic. I remember all the people outside protesting, telling me that GOD did not want me to do this. It was horrible, terrifying and disgusting! Shortly after that, about three days later, I remember taking acid with him. How quickly it was forgotten on his and everyoneâ??s part. I remember him telling me to put the acid in my eye. And I did. I also remember him telling me to sit in the chair for the whole night; he didnâ??t want any guys looking at me at the party we were at. I was tripping out on acid and hallucinating in the most terrible way. I remember sitting in this dirty, grungy, old chair for hours. It seemed like days. I remember several times trying to sneak out of the party to run, run far, I donâ??t know were I was going to go. But I wanted to just get out of there.I finaly after about four hours was able to make a run for it, he was in the bathroom and I knew I needed to get out of there, fast! Needless to say, I was not inescapable. He caught me in the driveway with a crowbar in his hands. I knew I was dead! I tried running, got to the end of the driveway and, he extorted the crowbar in my lower left back. I was brought back into the house by his plead. I went into the bathroom to look at my back and it looked really bad. But, I was on acid so how bad was it at that moment, I really didnâ??t know? Until I finally left, by myself I walked home through the cemetery. I had a friend that was buried there, due to drugs and a stolen car. I stopped at his grave site and spokke to him. After my few minute conversation with my deseased friend I, made my way home. I got home to find that my whole family was there including my fathers friends whom were auxiliary police. I went right upstairs and watched the walls roll and listened to the laughts drom down stairs. It was almost as like they knew. My mind was all messed up. I just wanted to fall asleep. The thoughts were ridiculous. The next morning he came home to my home, my parentâ??s home. Were he now resided. I woke to find my back stuck to the sheets from the crowbar stabbing. There was dried blood on me and the sheets. Until I peeled the sheets off my back to just start bleeding again. He told me I better not make a big deal about it, he was sorry, he said, â??We were both messed up last nite and he didnâ??t mean it, he pleaded to me about how sorry he was. I accepted his apology once again.

This was the summer before I was going into high school. â??The best years of your life.â?? Not for me. My addiction got worst, as his did also. The abuse got worst and the people in school wondered why a 19 year old guy was living with me in my parentâ??s home? I had not had an answer. At this time I never yet had asked my parents because, I guess I just thought it was okay. We dealt marijuana together and took a lot of pills all the time. Even though we were together, I was always alone, always.

Well two years went by and I was now fifteen, and, he was twenty one. He was still living with me and my parents. We both overdosed several times on drugs between the age of thirteen and fifteen. Then, I got pregnant again, this time I didnâ??t go or let anyone take or force me to go to an abortion clinic. My mother was a little upset and tried all the devious things she knew to make me try and miscarry this pregnancy. But I did not allow anybody or anything in my way of having this child. Noone was going to stop me. I stopped doing drugs, I stopped smoking cigarettes. I was clean from drugs and alcohol for the first time in 5 years almost. My boyfriend wasnâ??t home when I took the pregnancy test; he was at his friendâ??s house getting high. I remember going to see him with the news. I pulled up to his friendâ??s house with my sister to find him and a few of his friends outside. They were all high on drugs.I remember him holding up a big marijuana joint and saying to my sister and myself to come in and smoke. I asked hime to come over to the car and told him the news. â??Im pregnant!â?? I remember the look on his face, it was blank. He said, â??Cool.â?? Cool? Then he said, â??Well just come in the house and we will celebrate and smoke this joint.â?? I said, â??No, im done, im pregnant, I donâ??t want to use drugs anymore or drink or even smoke cigarettes.â?? He seemed shocked, as in the way my mother did when I was thirteen and got pregnant. What did she think we were playing footsies in my bed? And what was he thinking? Letâ??s get high. Thatâ??s all he could say. He said he would be home in a little while, a little while turned into three days, I couldnâ??t find him. At this point my sister and I left his friends house and I went home and made an appointment with the doctor, for the baby inside me. I was starting to really not care if he wasnâ??t around. I didnâ??t want to do bad things; I wanted to keep my unborn safe and myself. As I did, within my control. I continued to go to high school. As time went on, he really ever came to the doctors appointments with me. His addiction grew even bigger than the biggest mountain. I had already had several ultrasounds and I remember my mom going with me. I think he may have gone to two appointments with me. One because I begged him to come see the ultrasound and hear the babyâ??s heartbeat and the other was because I was in a car accident in my friendâ??s car and I ended up in the hospital. I was almost 8 months pregnant. As more time passed by, the more he wasnâ??t around. I was eight months pregnant and he was sleeping with my best friend, using drugs with her. He was supposed to go back into detox after overdosing on seventy two Tylenols. But instead I went to my sisters apartment to visit her and I walked in and there he was in her bed, neither one was fully dressed. I asked what was going on here and all my sister could say was, well nothing except I felt bad he had no were to go so he has been staying here. Keeping in mind that she was engaged to his younger brother who was working at the moment. Needless to say, I left very upset. I knew that my so-called friend was never a friend and also has an addiction, and also my sister was a BIG mariguana smoker, and dabbled with other things here and there at this time. But the shock with my sister was not as I expected it to be. I guess it just didnâ??t surprise me as much as you would think.

The time came on July 19, 1993. We were taking a ride with two of our friends and my water broke. They dropped me at the front door I waited and we all got on the elevator. My water was breaking more and they all starting laughing at me. They were all saying, â??Look, she peeâ??d herself. It was not a humorous time; it was a very serious time. Of course I found out that they were all high and tripping on acid. Not what I needed. Well, I got to emergency room and they put the halter moniter on me and did an exam to only find out that I was just 2 centimeters dilated. They tried inducing me but that didnâ??t work at all. I went into hard core labor on July 20, 1993 early a.m. I didnâ??t have my daughter until July 21, 1993 at 6:04 a.m. It was twenty three hours of hard core labor. Twenty three hours that I wouldnâ??t change for anything in this world. Six pounds, twelve and a half ounces, twenty one and a half inch long. Beautiful, baby girl!

After my daughter was born I continued to stay clean from any drugs.

I stayed in everynite and did every feeding in the middle of the nite. My mom would help out sometimes because her dad was never around. He was still doing the same old same, getting high. After my daughter turned about 6 months, I wanted to go and spend some time with my girlfriends. I decided to go out. This is when my nightmare became a reality.

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??



ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out whom you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be, your neighbor, your coworker, a long lost friend, or a complete stranger. When you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.

Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. Most importantly if you Love someone tell him or her, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. Learn a lesson in life each day that you live. That's the story of Life.

Dear Addiction: You have been around for centuries. Way before I was born. You can appear in many shapes & forms. You can be a cigarette, a joint, chocolate cake, a bottle of beer, French fries, pills, sex or white powder. You ruined many holidays for me. You made me feel different from all the other kids at school. You made me feel ashamed of my family. You caused me to do poorly in school. You made me keep so many things inside-fear, shame, anger, worthlessness. You made my mother distant & cold. You made my father negative & unlikable. You made my childhood miserable. You made me act & think like an adult when I should have been playing ball outside with my friends. You made me who I am today. Because of you, I am strong & confident. I can handle any crisis that comes my way. You forced me as an adult to tackle many difficult emotions. I am still standing. I am who I am because of youâ?¦ But, thatâ??s meâ?¦.

You stole my daughtersâ?? youth. You robbed her of her innocence. You made her feel like she wasnâ??t normal. You made her steal, lie, & cheat. You always were, and always will be a part of her life. Even when she was in my belly, you were there. As much as she doesnâ??t want you-you will always be there. Youâ??re that annoying person riding her tail on the highway. She looks in the rear view mirror & there you are. She can speed up or slam on her brakes but that wonâ??t get rid of you. Youâ??re that ex boyfriend she canâ??t shake, the annoying, possessive, controlling, all too consuming person, she can break up with a boy friend; she canâ??t break up with you. You will always come back to haunt her. Youâ??re that first pimple, on her perfectly, clear complexion-that never goes away. She doesnâ??t want to go to school because kids will stare at her pimple, everyone notices it but no one says anything. She looks in the mirror & there you are. You are always lurking. Youâ??re that big Biology test we all had to take. We studied for hours on end, sleepless nights lying in bed worried, stressed out about how I will do? Will I pass? Will I have to re-take it? What if I fail? What if I let myself down? But youâ??re not a Biology test that goes away at the end of the semester or school year. You are so different. You cause my daughter stress & anxiety every day. You never go away, not even for a minute. You are air, water, a constant nagging reminder. She looks in the mirror, opens the frig, goes to work, watches TV, goes to counseling, goes to meetings, goes to the mall, sees a handsome guy & there you are. She canâ??t even get away from you when sheâ??s sleeping, she dreams about you. You are her skin, her soul, her heart, worst of all, you are her mind. Everyone deserves a break, but you, you donâ??t give up.

You are cruel & evil. You donâ??t care whose lives you ruin. Doctorâ??s, lawyers, plumbers, pregnant mothers, there is no discrimination or age barriers with you. You invade 13 year olds & continue haunting them well into their 90â??s, if they live that long. You confuse many people. You make others think that my daughter is weak. If they only knew how strong she must be to keep you away. It takes stamina to keep you out of her life. More people would feel comfortable asking me how she is, if she had cancer. Howâ??s she doing? Is the chemo working? What do the doctorâ??s say? Would be questions I would hear. Few people understand you or believe you are a disease. Youâ??re not concrete, not everyone can grasp you. But me, I have lived with you in one way or another, my whole life. If you werenâ??t my grandfather, you were my father or my brother, now you are my daughter. Since we have lived with each other for so long, we should be friends by now. You used to be my enemy. Now, I accept you. You wonâ??t ruin my life any longer. I am a fighter, remember?-you made me that way? You made me a survivor. You have made me be able to cope through the most difficult times. I have watched my mother & my 37 year old sister take battle with you. Because of you, I am still standing. You made me drop my 16 year old son off @ rehab on that cold September morning. My daughter should be at school celebrating with friends. But no, you made her go to rehab for drugsâ?¦â?¦..

When my daughter turned 13, I was suspicious of you. I agonized about your control over her. I had her evaluated on different occasions; I had caught her drinking, found weed. You are very sly. She was able to keep you from me & the therapist. You had become her secret now. You made me feel crazy at times. I worried on a daily basis that you had control over my daughter. Worrying is worse than knowing the truth. The â??what ifâ??s in life can destroy you. Once you know something, you are able to face it head on, deal with it. It is what it isâ?¦. The worrying & crazy thinking made me search my daughterâ??s room, drawers, back packs, purses, computers, phones, turning her room upside down every time she left the house. Sometimes my search came up clean. This is when I tried to convince myself you were not present in her life. Other times, I found Visine or a lighter. Funny thing about you, is even when you are right in front of me, I was able to tell myself it was normal teenage use. I chalked it up to normal experimentation. She lied about her â??new friendsâ??, always told me he was going out with the kids I liked. Sometimes I am madder at denial than I am at you. You both seem so powerful at the time. I grew up with you, how could I not see you? Funny thing about being the mother now, not the daughter or the sister of you, was deep down I knew you were lurking. I had an uneasy feeling, gut feeling, motherâ??s premonition I guess. Then one day, I realized SHE was one of the â??potheadsâ?? at school. The kid that everyone dismisses, looked at in disgust, as a no good loser. My daughter was not a loser, she was MY daughter. The same little girl I brought home from the hospital as a newborn, my first born. I rushed her to the pediatrician when it was just a stuffy nose. I stayed up with her when he had the flu, I talked to her about boys, making good grades, she cared about life, and she wanted to succeed. She was not & never will be a loser in my eyes. You are the reason ignorant people judged my Daughter. I had a feeling you were there. Yet, to some degree, I was wearing blinders. Now, looking back you were as clear as day. The red eyes, the lies, the late nights, sneaking out of the house, the smell of marijuana, but still, I believed the lies that came out of my daughterâ??s mouth. I grounded her when she broke the rules.

The day I was unable to continue burying my head in the sand or continue pretending life was normal was when my husband called & told me this cant be, we shouldnâ??t and cant live this life!.. Now court is coming the thought of my daughter in jail makes me cry, call my husband trying to speak between sobs so he knew what was going on, but what was really going on? That was the beginning of my new life. This was her junior year; she should be excited as this is her last year in high school, going off to college soon, lasting memories forever. We are trying to fill her head with new words, vocabulary, clean & serene, sobrietyâ?¦ ETC.

Life is about choices & with every choice comes a consequence. Today, my daughter is choosing you over life. There are really only three choices when it comes to you, jail, death or recovery. I prided myself that I was different from my mother, I am open & honest with my kid about you, I donâ??t too sweep you under the carpet like she did. We actually talked about you at the dinner table, in the car driving to appointments. The fact that you ruined my childhood was known in my family. My kid was aware of you-almost to the point they may have tuned me out. Donâ??t get me wrong, I wasnâ??t a martyr, I was just very open & honest with your affects on my mother and sister. You were a part of our gene pool; I felt I had to talk about you to my child.

She is not the only young person whose life you have contaminated. No one is exempt from you. You affect nearly every human beings life in some way or another, a loved one, a friend or a neighbor knows you too well. Iâ??m not angry at you. The best revenge against someone or something is simple- LIVING WELLâ?¦â?¦ I live with you, I learn from you. You have become my driving force, my passion, my purpose. I wonâ??t run from you or keep you a secret as I did when I was a kid. I will embrace you, I will scream from the rooftops about you. I am only as sick as my secrets. You have been exposed. You are out there for everyone to see. I hope My Daughter wonâ??t hide either. She has for a few years but sheâ??ll on to you now. She is so bright, so intuitive. I am seeing the good side of you. I always try to see the bright side of what initially appears to be a dim situation. Again, that is because of you, when I was young you forced me to look at a bad situation and say, â??Hey, it could always be worse.â?? Thatâ??s how I have survived many hardships in my life. I realized other people had it worse than I did, so who was I to complain?

I know thatâ??s how I was able to handle myself when my daughter admitted to us she needed help. As I watch my daughter cry and tell me â??she wished he was normalâ??. She said she needed help. There YOU were when the worst moment of my 16 years as a mother had just smacked me in the face. I said to my daughter, â??Aryana, itâ??s not cancer, WE will get through thisâ??. I hugged her & we both cried. As I held her, I wondered how I was able to utter any words; I didnâ??t think I had air in my lungs. Finally, you were out in the open!!!! The other shoe had fallen, the â??what ifsâ?? was now reality & it was time to confront YOUâ?¦â?¦ I called on my husband, the firefighter, my hero, the strong one, and the one that holds his emotions in. I told him we needed to get our daughter, into rehab ASAP. As I heard the gasp & the whimpers she tried to hide from me, I thought, â??Wow, if this rocks him, this is really, really bad. I am a â??fixerâ??, a results oriented person, I believe I focused on what to do next, who to call and where will she rehabilitate. I was in overdrive. Because of you being a family member of mine, I also knew I could support my daughter, but this was her battle. There was no simple fix, no band aid to place over the wound. No antibiotic would cure this in 10-14 days. Hearing these words come from my daughtersâ?? mouth, not the district attorneyâ??s office or the coroner, was extremely encouraging to me. I knew that night, at that exact moment; I would stand by my daughter forever and ever as she worked on her life without you. I later, had received a note from a church that said, â??Parenting can be easy when things are going smoothly, as they should be, it is when we are faced with difficult situations that we put our skills to work.â?? You taught me these skills as a child. I never doubted my ability to cope with this situation.

Even as confident as I was, my heart was shattered. You must love tearing peopleâ??s hearts open & stomping on them. You create havoc with all family members. I have 1 sister, 1 Mother, and 1 brother in law. Each and every one of them was affected by you & your control over my daughter. Dealing with you is very personal. You sucked the energy out of me at times. I dealt with you differently than my husband did. You almost caused a divorce but I came to my senses. Believe it or not, realizing I was powerless over you is when I was able to move ahead. I canâ??t fight you anymore. I wonâ??t fight you anymore.

My daughter found NA and it saved her life. She now feels normal. He has learned how you can be replaced. The 12 Step program is bigger & stronger than you. I often wonder why the whole world doesnâ??t follow these simple steps. My daughter goes to daily meetings & meets with his therapist weekly. You are still present, always will be, but KNOWLEDGE = POWER. She talks about you & reads books about you, works her 12 Steps. The power of addiction is mighty, but the power of recovery is mightierâ?¦..

She realizes even though she is not using drugs, many of the same behaviors still exist. Rather than being critical of others, she is taking her own moral inventory. She focuses on her character defects and will make amends to those she harmed when she is ready. She knows a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. That first step is the hardest. Realizing your life is unmanageable is the start, a powerful start. Whose life isnâ??t unmanageable at some point? Each step that is taken away from you gets a little easier. If she could just run as fast as possible from you, it would be easier. This isnâ??t a sprint, itâ??s a lifelong marathon. This is a process, a very long & difficult process. Life is progression not perfection. She is well aware you can cause a relapse while she is recovering from you. This happened a few times. It can happen again & again if she gets over confident & thinks she has you â??lickedâ??. Thatâ??s why she goes to meetings daily, she needs to be reminded of the pain you caused her that made her get to the rooms of NA. She canâ??t resent you either, that wonâ??t work. She has to accept you as part of his daily life, part of her every breath. She knows all too well that should she choose a life with you, she will be living on the streets. I wonâ??t stand for you being in my house. Tough love isnâ??t that tough for meâ?¦ I love her and will not stand by and watch her die a slow death because of you. I pray you will stay away. Because of you, I take one day at a time. When I have to, I take one minute at a time.

Anyone who has known you and who has survived you is brave. My daughter will come out a hero. Her strength amazes me. Her ability at such a young age, to see you were ruining her life and ask for help takes courage. You may have taken her youth but you havenâ??t taken her life. He can live a perfectly healthy life. She will be happier without you. One day she will find a husband & have children. You may or may not be a part of my grandchildrenâ??s lives. If you are, my daughter will handle it. She, just like me, is a survivor because of you. You have caused us pain but at the same time, you have given us the ability for pure pleasure. Without pain, we would never fully appreciate the joy. I have met some remarkable people because of you. People, whose lives you have touched, are the salt of the earth. There is no phoniness, they are not trying to â??keep up with the Jonesesâ??, and they are real people with real stories & experiences to share. They care about living for today & being the best person they can be. You have humbled them. Looking back on my life, you may have caused me great pain, but I am not bitter. I am able to see situations more clearly and focus on the positives life has to offer.

I pray that you will keep your distance. Letâ??s face it, thatâ??s all I can do. I am powerless. I pray every day; I thank God for everything I have. I have so much more than you in my life now.

Iâ??m sure I will be seeing you around. Cheryl

PS Please donâ??t take my daughter from me. She has so much to offer to others. Donâ??t make me bury herâ?¦â?¦â?¦â?¦â?¦

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

4-20-2010

ã??

Dear You:

So she went to another meeting tonight! Guess what? You lost tonightâ?¦ for tonight! I got to talk to her! My DAUGHTER; NOT YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....

She is trying to grasp the better roadâ?¦ The road you always try to block. Youâ??re such an asshole! But again; you donâ??t fool me!!!â?¦ She raised her hand tonight and said HER name ARYANA! She admitted she was an addict! HAHAAA. Your grip was not so powerful today now was it?

As I have been speaking to you DAILYâ?¦ I remember everything I say to you! I remember every piece of shit, every lie, manipulation, and every trick you have up your sleeve that you Try to put in MY way!â?¦ You are such a LOSER!!! She related tonight at the meeting! She was able to hear things that touched HER~! Not you N her! HERâ?¦..

Iâ??m not getting cocky I am speaking to you in a calm way just expressing my thoughts once again, as I do DAILY~! I know I am powerless over you, But I have you grounded. You Mister you have been punished, for today. You didnâ??t get her to go out and do the things you wanted her to do, today!

As for me another day alsoâ?¦ I let her know that I have to separate from you and her right now; I told her I wonâ??t allow YOU in our home! You know your not allowed And I know you try and come in different forms and shapes and all endless possibilities. But I have a higher power that is stronger than you. He loves me! His name is GOD! When I explained to Aryana that I have to let go and let her have her own falling out with you. She was really sad and cried to me! But when she does, if not now then whenever her falling out with you shall be is when I will open back up to her! HERâ?¦ Asshole not you! Youâ??re the most disgusting disease I have ever come across. I have some relief tonight some feelings of sad, yet content; I donâ??t and wont explain them to you; because all you every say to ME when I did come to you and tell you too much you said â??come with me Cheryl, Ill help you, Ill help you FUCK up your life, your family, etc. So I am simply going to end this conversation with you here. I will now go talk to my higher power that is always there for my WELL BEING! Not EVER to harm me! I just wanted to let you know, that today, you didnâ??t winâ?¦ Not in this house anyway! Ill will be back tomorrow and I know you will be too, but donâ??t forget I told you about GOD!

Till tomorrowâ?¦

Cheryl

One last thing, FUCK OFFFF!

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??



ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??

ã??