damommy

damommy:
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. It's not what I expected.

I thought growing old would take longer.

My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

damommy:

I yelled downstairs to my husband and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

"No," he replied.

I said, "How about now?"

damommy:
4 out of 3 three people struggle with math.

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was cute and funny? Anyway, I need bail money.

damommy:

My date last night was really awesome. We had a definite spark and pretty soon, he was lying at my feet. I love my new taser.

damommy: Jannypan (Jan) wants to apologize for not getting back to her reviews. Her brother, Tim, is in the hospital after discovering he has a brain tumor. We don't know any information yet. She will get to her reviews as time permits. Please pray for Tim and Jan and family.

damommy:

Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them? -- Rose Kennedy

An ironing board is a surf board that gave up on its dreams and went to work.

damommy:

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn't tell what gave him the bigger shock -- the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

The snowman sniffs and says, "Hmmm, funny, I smell carrots."

damommy:

A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon. A customer walks up to him and says, "It's not often that I see a drinking bourbon here!" The dog replies, "Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices."

What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena? No idea, but if it laughs, I join in.

damommy:

I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Do crabs think we walk sideways?

damommy:

Do not let them take your temperature going into the store! It's a scam! They're erasing your memory. I went for bread and eggs, but came home with Blue Bell Ice Cream and Snickers.

damommy:

I wonder on how many animals' backs did we humans have to jump until we found that horses are OK with it.

damommy:

We never really grow up.... we only learn how to act in public.

My computer went down today, and I had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

damommy:

I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this years. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

damommy:
THE ANIMAL CRACKERS CLUB is open to all and any of God's creatures. It seems we have more response from cat and dog lovers, but there must be some of you who have another kind of pets ? birds, fish, reptiles, etc. Please feel free to write about them in our club.

ASK P&P ADVICE COLUMN is not just for dogs or cats, either. Questions from anyone are very welcome and appreciated. It's all done in fun!

damommy:

Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday, and believe me, that's a lot of coloring.

damommy:

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.

--John Steinbeck

damommy:

Newspaper ad:
We are asking rioters to work from home
and destroy their own property.

damommy:

I just to a self-defense course. I wouldn't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

damommy:

I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers, but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

damommy:
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

damommy:

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

damommy:

That moment when you talk to yourself and you start laughing like an idiot because you're just so hilarious!

damommy:

Why don't I have any tattoos? For the same reason you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

damommy:

I went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.

damommy:

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

damommy:

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.
- John Steinbeck

damommy:

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. - Cyril Connolly

damommy:

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

damommy:

I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine!

damommy:

I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who's going to do it.

damommy:

A lot of problems would have solved if those cowboy architects had built the town big enough for two.

damommy: Lyenochka and I are posting an advice column call "Ask P&P." We like questions from any of God's little creatures, not necessarily cats. You can PM either of us with your questions.

damommy:

I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.

damommy:

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. - Martin Luther

damommy:

I just realized that "Let me check my calendar" is the adult version of "Let me ask my mom."

damommy:
2020 - the year your trash bin goes out more than you.

damommy:
No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
-Terry Pratchett

damommy:

I'm so bored with all this isolation. I went outside and knocked on my own door, then came back in and said who is it?

damommy:

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. -Jean de la Fontaine

damommy:

Cats are smarter than dogs. You'd never get eight cats to pull a sled.

damommy:
On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, "Any suggestions for painting dogs?"

Another responded, "Wait till they're asleep."

damommy:
My mind is like my internet browser
19 tabs open
3 of the are frozen
and I have no idea where the music is coming from

damommy:

Every family has one weird relative

If you don't know who it is, then it's probably you.

damommy:
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

damommy:

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver squeals, "You have a drink named Philip??"

damommy:

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

damommy:

The first parents ever to have identical twins must have been really confused.

damommy:

Before crowbars were invented, crows had to drink at home.

damommy:
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

damommy:
My boss told me, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

Now, I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Wonder Woman.

damommy:

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. - Mark Twain

damommy:
Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it. -Helen Keller

damommy:

We are all brothers under the skin, and I, for one, would be willing to skin humanity to prove it.

-Ayn Rand

damommy:

"Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it."

-Mark Twain

damommy:

During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

-- George Orwell

damommy:

For the first time since 1945,
the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been
cancel . . . cancul . . .
cance . . .
called off.

damommy:

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like bam, there's a snail.

damommy:

"Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood."

damommy:

Do you think some future archeologist will dig out Disney World and assume it's a temple of some bizarre mouse worshipping cult?

damommy:

In answer to Judiverse's dilemma:

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: "Oh, for goodness sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!"

damommy:
I like to hold hands at the movies . . . which always seems to startle strangers.

damommy:

At the police academy, the instructor was telling different scenarios the cadets may encounter when they become police officers.

The instructor asked one young cadet, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

The cadet replied, "Call for backup!"

damommy:

I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in high school math instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

damommy: The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call my chief."

The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding.

"How do I handle this, chief," asked the policeman.

"Is it the Governor" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who is it then" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the policeman, "But he's got the Pope as his driver."

damommy:

Is a paper cut the tree?s way of getting back at you?

damommy:

It's actually awesome how my body can take a hamburger and fries and turn it into more of my body!

damommy:

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered, "a doctor."

damommy:

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

damommy:

A man goes into a shoe store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any alligator shoes?"

"I don't know," replies the clerk. "What size does your alligator wear?"

damommy:

Feeling guilty about your kid watching too much TV? Mute it and put the captions on. Boom. Now they're reading.

damommy:

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of the little monsters called in a bomb threat.

damommy:

Exercise for People Over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room a ech side.

With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you?ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags. Then try 50-lb. potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can life a 100-lb. potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I?m at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

damommy:

You know where the general keeps his armies?




Up his sleevies.

damommy:
I'm officially old. I just spent ten minutes chasing an eye floater with a fly swatter.

damommy:

My cleaning lady just called and told me she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.

damommy:
I see people around my age mountain climbing. I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance!

damommy:
To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough. They lied! Everyone else had clothes on!

damommy:

8:00 p.m. is now the official time to remove your day pajamas and put on your night pajamas.

damommy: During this quarantine, my thoughts go out for all those poor married men who've spent months telling the wife, "I'll do that when I have time."

damommy:

Please forgive me if I don't get any reviewing done for a few days. I injured my left hand yesterday and typing is very difficult using one hand.

damommy:

I shot a turkey yesterday. It scared the heck out of the other customers at the meat counter.

damommy:

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Okay, FINE. It was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

damommy:

When I start to sing, my family goes out and does some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

damommy:

Q: How do you make antifreeze?

A: You steal her pajamas.

damommy:

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

damommy:

The daffodils have buds and I expect snow any day. It always happens that way, what I call the Daffodil and Snow Tire Festival. lol.

damommy:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

damommy:

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

damommy: ?Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.?
? Anonymous.

damommy:

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

damommy: When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, 'Strip down, facing me.'

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as he instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out he was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

damommy: If you ever see me running, run like hell, too. I?m far too lazy to be running without a good reason.

damommy: The person who thought it?s a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didn?t have any siblings.

damommy: I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.

damommy: Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 1 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

damommy: A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster! The offspring were the laughingstock of the community.

damommy: Don?t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head, that?ll freak you right out.

damommy: Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere that makes your heart race and changes you forever . . . we call these people cops.

damommy: I asked my son if he'd seen my newspaper. He told me that newspapers are old school. He said people use tablets and iPads today, and handed me his iPad. That fly didn't stand a chance.

damommy: Check out scholarship for Pantygynt's poetry class!!! Go to the 'Clubs' tab under 'Social' tab.

damommy: I had a really bad day yesterday.

First, my ex got run over by a bus.

Then, I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

damommy: Last night, I dreamed I was walking on the beach. I guess that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

damommy: We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.
- Rita Rudner

damommy: A bowl of rice is great if you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.

damommy: I just talked with our good friend Douglas Paul. He's determined to be up and about soon. His attitude is an inspiration! Let's pray that he will.

damommy: They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

damommy: Why do sea gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels.

damommy: The police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even have bikes!

damommy: 10 FUN FACTS

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breathe through your nose with your
tongue out.
4. You just tried No. 3.
6. When you did No. 3, you realized it's possible, only
you look like a dog.
7. You're smiling right now because you were fooled.
8. You skipped No. 5.
9. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
10. Share this with your friends to have some fun, too!

damommy: A Police Officer came to my house and asked where I'd been between 5 and 6. He seemed a bit irritated when I answered, "Kindergarten."

damommy: I'm bored. I think I'll go to mall, find a parking spot, and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.

damommy: Just burned 2,000 calories. That?s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap!

damommy: I hate it when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

damommy: I just spoke to Douglas Paul's son. Douglas is back in the hospital. Brett, the son, said there were indications that it go could either way. We'll pray it goes in his favor. Douglas has been a good friend to many on FS.

damommy: Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking its time and getting to know everyone personally.

damommy:

FanStory wrote to damommy: Not Saved by the Bell! finished second in the contest "100 Word Story"

damommy:

FanStory wrote to damommy: You Can't Fool Mother Baker finished first in the contest "Every Story Has A Beginning"

FanStory wrote to damommy: The Final Tally finished second in the contest "Sonnet Poetry Contest"

damommy: It seems someone has created a Hotmail account using my name, and are contacting everyone in my contact list. If you get anything from yuzzell@hotmail.com, it is NOT me. I'm so sorry this is happening, and I'm taking whatever steps I can to stop it. Thank you for understanding.

FanStory wrote to damommy: I Stand Forgotten finished third in the contest "Rhyme-horse/horses"

damommy:

damommy:

FanStory wrote to damommy: Life finished first in the contest "FREE VERSE !"

FanStory wrote to damommy: Love This Day! finished second in the contest "Kyrielle poetry"

FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! Simplicity won the contest "I Can't"

FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! November 2018 Recognized Writer!

FanStory wrote to damommy: Forgotten finished second in the contest "CHAIN RHYME"

FanStory wrote to damommy: Wally Weasel's Vacation finished second in the contest "Write Your Best Children's Poem"

FanStory wrote to damommy: Little Buccaneers finished third in the contest "swap quatrain"

damommy: I want to thank the Committee for choosing my story in the Dribble Flash Fiction contest. Also, the lovely people who sent me congratulations. I was never so surprised, and I'm tickled pink! Thank you, everyone.

FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! The Kept Appointment won the contest "Dribble Flash Fiction"

FanStory wrote to damommy: The Reason's Simple finished second in the contest "Humorous Dialog "

damommy:

damommy:

FanStory wrote to damommy: The Tiny Leaf finished second in the contest "Rhyming Poem"

damommy: Pluviophile - a lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days.