damommy

damommy: My son Stewart is having back surgery next Thursday. I would appreciate your prayers for him. Thank you.

damommy:

Before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

damommy:

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

damommy:
I stole a wig because I didn't want toupee for it.

damommy:

I know it's time to clean out my purse
when my car assumes it's an extra passenger
who isn't wearing a seatbelt.

damommy:

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a staff meeting.

damommy:

I weighed myself on one of those scales that prints out little messages. When I stepped on, it asked if one of us would step off.

damommy:

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

FanStory wrote to damommy: My First Poem finished second in the contest "Show us MORE of Your Early Poetry"

damommy:

WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

damommy:
A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, "Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster . . . "

damommy:

I've been off FS for nearly a week because my computer's been in the Geek Squad shop, getting cleaned up. I got hacked, and he said he'd taken all the money out of my bank account. He couldn't do that, but it scared me half to death.

I'm behind on reviewing and replying. I will try to catch up.

FanStory wrote to damommy: My Beauty Treatment finished third in the contest "~ Here Kitty, Kitty ~"

damommy:

I never make the same mistake twice.
I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

damommy:

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers . . .
if you do find one, what's your plan?

damommy: When I was a child, there were two ways to die:

Natural causes, and talking back to your parents.

damommy: Look in the Poetry Forum. Kiwisteve has started a thread to post your favorite poem. It will be fun to see what everyone's favorite is. Give it a go.

damommy:

I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what comes out of my mouth.

damommy: Ugly the Cat
Author Unknown

Everyone in the apartment complex where I lived knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love.

The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.

Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck and even his shoulders. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!?

All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave.

Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end.

Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly, I thought.

Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear - Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful.

He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly.

FanStory wrote to damommy: The Merry, Merry Month of May finished second in the contest "May Day"

damommy:

I see the Free Form Poetry Contest instructs to write a free verse, and goes on to say there is no structure, meter, or rhyme. That is NOT free verse. Free verse requires to have some poetic devices, such as alliteration, internal rhyme, and so on. Look at the page that Michael Cahill wrote on the Fabulous Free Verse Club front page. Not just words on a page.

damommy:

Good moms let their kids lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first.

damommy:

Q: What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig?

A: A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.

damommy: Today is Ideasaregem's (Dawn) birthday. Let's all PM her with good wishes.

damommy:

To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word ?boo?.

damommy:

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter nods in approval and lets him in.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped hundreds of families get cost-effective health care."? St. Peter replies, "You may enter, but you'?re only approved for a three-day stay."

damommy:

I was looking at myself in the mirror earlier today, and realized my figure has everything it had forty years ago. It's just three inches lower now.

damommy:

For a trio of drug thieves, it was their lucky day. They broke into a home in Silver Springs, Florida, and discovered three jars of cocaine. They took it home and snorted the contents. That's when they discovered that the jars were in fact urns and that they were snorting the cremains of the victim's husband and two dogs.

damommy:

Don't laugh when you see my new profile photo. My granddaughter wanted me to post it.

It's my high school graduation picture. Yes, we had cameras way back then!

damommy:

Do you know how long dinosaurs lived?

The same as short ones.

damommy:

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished.

FanStory wrote to damommy: I'll Pass finished third in the contest "~Resolutions for 2022 ~"

damommy:

Where do mathematicians go on New Year's Eve?

Times Square

damommy:

I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

damommy:

How do you make an egg roll?

.
.
.

You give it a little push.

damommy: St. Nicholas of Myra, Turkey, between the years 270 and 343, was the man who became the legend of Santa Claus. He gave gifts and necessary things to those less fortunate. When the Dutch colonized the New World, they brought their Sinterclaus with them. And that's how it all started.

damommy:

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

damommy:
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.

damommy:

I childproofed my house. Somehow, they still got in!

damommy:
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

damommy:
When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, "Four. I don't think I can eat eight."

damommy:
You know, some people pick their nose, but I was just born with mine.

damommy:
I shot a turkey for Thanksgiving. Scared the dickens out of the other shoppers.

damommy:

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

"Ned," John called down, "I have good news and bad. The good news is, there's baseball in heaven!"

"Great," said Ned. "What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Sunday."

damommy:

How do you make a pirate furious?
Take away the p.

damommy:
Let's say you have to lift a hippo with one finger. How would you do it?

You wouldn't because you can't find a one-fingered hippo.

damommy: /

There once was a man from Nantucket
who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
ran away with a man,
and as for the bucket,
Nantucket.

damommy:

Sorry I?m late. I didn't know who showed up to the four-way stop first, so we all just sat there.

damommy:

Stalking: When two people take long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.

damommy: My profile photo changed back. Hmmmm.

damommy:

Of all the dogs, a hot dog is the nicest. It feeds the hand that bites it.

FanStory wrote to damommy: My Garden finished first in the contest "It's NOT an Acrostic Poem"

damommy:

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"

FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! After the Storm is the new Poem of the Month!

damommy:

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

damommy:

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. ?George Carlin

damommy:

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

damommy:

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid," says comedy writer Gene Perret. "A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house."

damommy:

Every year, I send in my tax return, and the IRS sends me a sympathy card.

damommy:

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, "Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster?"

damommy:

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, "Well, they're the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store."

damommy:

If you haven't bought kiwisteve's book, "Forty-Four Fabulous Funnies (and fourteen more for free)," you certainly need to. It's funny, entertaining, and just what one needs to lift their spirits.

damommy:

How do you mend a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

damommy:

Happy Friday! Here's to all of us who made it through another week of faking adulthood.

damommy:

I wouldn't exactly say I'm lazy, but it's a good thing that breathing is a reflex.

damommy:

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

damommy:

My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried -- I think she's jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

damommy:

How fast does a zebra need to run before it looks grey?

damommy:

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

damommy:

Autocorrect walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What can I get you?"

Autocorrect says, "I'll have a bear. A bare. Bier. Briar. Never mind."

damommy: Thank you all who sent me birthday wishes. My heart is so full, and I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends here on FanStory. You've all made it a very special day for me.

damommy:

Nowadays, weekends are just me watching Netflix and asking my cat, "Hey, did you see that?"

damommy:

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?

damommy:

The serving size for pizza is "until you hate yourself."

damommy:

Do people who run know that we're not food anymore?

damommy:

Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

damommy:
I posted a poem earlier today and failed to give the name and instructions.

It was called A Quckstep Duo, created by Nancy E. Davis and named by Jim Bartlet.

Instructions are:
Two five-line stanzas with syllable count of 10, 10, 8, 8, 10,
and rhyme scheme of a,a,b,b,a.

damommy:

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

damommy:

In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.

FanStory wrote to damommy: My Time in WWII finished second in the contest "War Story"

damommy:

What happened after David had his ID stolen?

We had to call him Dav.

damommy:
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It's a Small World ride. He said he'll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World After All."

-- Conan O'Brien

damommy:

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That's why in the Navy, the Captain goes down with the ship. - Dick Gregory

damommy:

Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was playing fetch with a boomerang.

damommy:

True story. I've forgotten where it took place. A woman notice her hamster hadn't moved from the corner of his cage for three days. She took him to the vet, and it turned out that somehow he had swallowed a refrigerator magnet, and he was stuck to the bars of his cage!

Come on, now! As much as I love animals, this is funny! The magnet was removed and hamster is doing fine.

damommy:

This "formula" can be read like a limerick:

12+144+20+3√4+(5x11)=92+0
7

A dozen, a gross plus a score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by 7
plus five time eleven
equals nine squared plus not a bit more.

damommy:

Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot superglued to your shoulder.

damommy:

During time of shortages, I might run out of toilet paper, but if anyone needs 40 plastic bags stuffed into other plastic bags, I will be the queen of this crisis.

damommy:

I wouldn't say my cooking is totally terrible, but natives keep showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soup.

damommy:

A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started," says the man.

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how to curse."

"You keep pulling on that rope, and it'll come back to you."

damommy:

A well-known hunter was once asked if it was true that jungle predators will never attack a person carrying a lit torch.

"That is true," he responded, "but it does depend at what speed you are carrying the torch."

damommy:

A new psychiatrist is making rounds, getting acquainted with his new patients, and asks one of them, "So, how did you get here, anyways, Mr. Schleppel?"

"Well, Doctor, it started with me getting married, a thing I never should have done. I married a widow with an adult daughter who thus became my stepdaughter.

"When my father came to visit us at Thanksgiving, he fell in love with her, and they eventually married. So, my stepdaughter became my stepmother. Then, my wife gave birth to our son who, of course, was my father's brother-in-law, because he was the brother of his wife. And because my stepdaughter was my stepmother, my son was also my uncle. That means that my wife, being the mother of my stepmother, is my grandmother, and I am her grandson. But that's not everything. I'm married to my step-grandmother. I'm not only her husband and grandson, but also my own grandfather. I think that's enough to make anybody go nuts, wouldn't you agree?"

damommy:
Historians of the future will have a hard time figuring out how many organized groups of strident jackasses succeeded in leading us around by the nose and morally intimidating the majority into silence. -- Thomas Sowell

damommy:

A good friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body.

damommy:

If you're tired of waiting at a restaurant, just call their number and ask if they also deliver to table 16.

damommy:

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: "You need to eat that chocolate."

The other voice goes: "You heard. Eat the chocolate."

damommy:

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, "What do you want?"

The dog points to steak in a glass case. "How many pounds?" The dog barks twice.

"Anything else?"

The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog's mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog's neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in.

As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, "What a remarkable dog?"

"Remarkable?" snorts the owner. "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his keys."

damommy:

Do regular dogs see a police dog and think, "Oh, no, it's a cop!"

damommy:

My fashion philosophy is if you're not covered in pet hair, your life is empty.

damommy:

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes

damommy:
I said: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
The mirror said: Kindly move aside. I can't see anything.

damommy:

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

damommy:

I wonder what it's like to be the guy who actually did forget how to ride a bike.

damommy:

Going to the beach with my dog named Shark was a big mistake.

damommy:

A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, :Superman don't need no seat belt." The flight attendant?s retort: "Superman don't need no airplane either."

damommy:

Born and bred in Manhattan, Larry and Jane left the city to buy a cattle ranch in Wyoming. Months later, a friend flew out for a visit. "So, what did you name the ranch?" he asked.

"At first, we couldn't agree on anything," said the new cowboy. "We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch"?

"Wow!" His friend was impressed. But looking around, he saw no cattle. "So where are all the cows?"

"None of them survived the branding."

damommy:

Two Martians are watching Earth from the safety of their spaceship.

"This is interesting," says the first. "The biped species on this planet has developed satellite--based nuclear weapons."

"Are they an emerging intelligence?" asks the second alien.

"I don't think so. They have them all pointed at themselves."

damommy:

Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard. I've lived in constant fear ever since.

damommy:

Ah, these modern days. I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone to cross the street.

damommy:

I don't know how old I am. It keeps changing.

damommy:

Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.

damommy:

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his dip at the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

damommy:

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"" I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! My Hero is the new Story of the Month!

FanStory wrote to damommy: Love at First Sound finished third in the contest "Race-Less Portrait"

damommy:

Police officer: "Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I'm going to have to take away your driver's license."

Driver: "You're kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!"

damommy:

Europeans were scared of eating tomatoes when they were introduced.

Scholars think Hernan Cortes brought the seeds in 1519 with the intent of the fruits being used ornamentally in gardens. By the 1700s, aristocrats started eating tomatoes, but they were convinced the fruits were poison because people would die after eating them. In reality, the acidity from the tomatoes brought out lead in their pewter plates, so they'd died of lead poisoning.

damommy:

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

damommy:

You know that moment when you're in the shower and it suddenly hits you, oh, no, if something terrible were to happen right now, I'd have to run outside naked.

Now, you know you've thought that at some time.

damommy:

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

damommy:

A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. "There are no fish under the ice!"

He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: "There are no fish under the ice!"

He nervously looks up and asks, "Lord? Is that you?"

"No, this is the rink manager!

damommy:

I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

damommy:
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.

- Washington Irving

damommy:

Show respect even to people who do not deserve it. Not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours. -Dave Willis

damommy: We didn't realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun.
- Winnie the Pooh

damommy:

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

damommy:

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

damommy:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

damommy:

Maybe the reason you think your washing machine is only eating single socks is that you wouldn't really notice if it ate a whole pair.

damommy:

What disease did cured ham actually have?

damommy:

How did the man who made the first clock know what time it was?

damommy:
The sun still shines, even when it's hiding.

- Winnie the Pooh

damommy:
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
- Benjamin Franklin

damommy:

Why do we say tuna fish and not dog mammal?

damommy:

I need to get in shape. If I were murdered right now, my chalk outline would be a circle.

damommy:

It is impossible to stand backwards on stairs.

damommy:

A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, "Excuse me? are you a horse?"

"Why yes, I am," replies the horse.

"What are you doing at this movie?"

The horse says, "I really liked the book."

**********

Q: You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?

A: Get off the carousel and sober up.

damommy:

How soon after waking up is it okay to take a nap?

damommy:


Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't.

- Bill Nye, the Science Guy

damommy:

Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don?t.

- Bill Nye, the Science Guy

damommy:

I can?t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.

damommy:

What if stones are just super nervous organisms and only get all tense when we touch them?

damommy:

One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries.
- Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne

damommy:

I haven't tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

damommy:

No one has ever been in an empty room.

FanStory wrote to damommy: Life Before the Mast finished first in the contest "FUN! FUN! FUN!"

damommy:


My driving test went surprisingly well yesterday. I got 7 out of 12. The other 5 managed to run to safety.

damommy:

Don't wear headphones while vacuuming. I've just finished the whole house and realized the vacuum wasn't even plugged in.

damommy:

My friend was going through her wardrobe and said, "Look at this. It still fits me after 25 years."
I said, "It's a scarf."

damommy:

If every person on Earth blinked at the same time, nobody would ever find out.

damommy:

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

damommy:

The word "queue" is just a "Q" followed by four silent letters.

damommy:

It's actually awesome how my body can take a hamburger and fries and turn it into more of my body.

damommy: Potlatch Poetry will be posted at a later date.

damommy:

The darker it gets, the stronger is my belief in ghosts.

damommy:

If you feel your children are watching too much television, mute it and put on the subtitles. Now they're reading!

damommy:
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor -

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here," he says. "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant.

"No, not yet. The floor's still wet."

damommy:


Covid Vaccine Reaction!

This happened yesterday and is important information for those of us who happen to be over 65. I realizenot all who read this are over 65 but thought you might want a clue what it will be like someday when you reach it.

A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or be hospitalized.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.

damommy:

It's not hard to meet expenses.
They're everywhere.

damommy:

How is seven different from the rest of the numbers between one and ten?

damommy:

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.

damommy:
Math Jokes:

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
It was three feet deep on average.

A farmer counter 196 cows in the field
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A roamin' numeral.

How do mathematicians scold their children?
"If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times . . . "

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's too bad they'll never meet.

Why can math books be so depressing?
Because they're filled with problems.

damommy:

Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

damommy:
A lady went into a pet shop and was surprised to hear the parrot say, "Hey, lady. You're ugly."
She ignored it and thought it was kind of funny.

However, every time she entered the shop, the parrot would holler, "Hey, lady. You're ugly!"

Outraged, she spoke to the shop owner who had a word with the parrot. He said, "You can't talk to people like that. It must stop, or you will be in big trouble."

The parrot agreed he would stop shouting insults at the lady.

The next time she went in the shop, the parrot shouted, "Hey, lady. You know!"

damommy:

It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed. - Doe Zantamata

damommy:

My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot. I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

damommy: One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"

The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it?s so expensive.

The assistant tells him, "This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast."
"Okay, what about the green one?" the man asks.

The assistant says, "He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes."

"What about the red one?" the man then asks.

The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."

Curious, the man asks, "What does he do?"

The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."