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Old Friends
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A Child's Remark - Part 5
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I'll be a star!
damommy: BELOW ARE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH 1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. 2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. 3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before. 4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. 5. Onced and Twiced are words. 6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy! 7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom? 8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra. 9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something. 10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper. 11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South. 12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. 13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?' 14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see. 15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em. 16. Y'all is singular and Y'all is plural. 17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. 18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car. 19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup. 20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip. 21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name) 22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. 23. You know what a hissy fit is. 24. Fried catfish is the other white meat. 25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!! 26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH. AND one more: 27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done! |
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Imo = I'm going to Imo go to church tomorra. - | ||
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You forgot that we do not use our turn signals or changing lane signals because ?we feel it is no one?s business to know where we are going?. - | ||
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Happy Birthday! Thanks for keeping us laughing! ![]() | ||
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your tongue print is also as unique as your fingerprint and earprint! you're welcome 😊👍 - | ||
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Oh, my... - | ||
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Xo. M - | ||
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Pro tip: when you bury them in the garden, plant a tree on top. Make sure it's an endangered species, then it can't be dug up :) - | ||
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damommy: I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box! |
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damommy: Let?s say you have to lift a hippo with one finger. How would you do it? > > Wait for it . . . > > > You wouldn?t because you can?t find a one-fingered hippo |
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Ha. No offence meant As my friend Tom says. - | ||
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- A hippo-plot-against-us - | ||
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LOL... - | ||
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It can't be both so a milk dud. :) which is a success as far as I'm concerned. - | ||
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F-U-N-N-Y! LOL - | ||
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My friend says I lack concentr... oh look, a rabbit! - | ||
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Attention Deficit Dis...DOGGY! Attention Deficit Dis...SQUIRREL! Attention Deficit Dis...DUCK! Attention Deficit Dis...[insert whatever you just saw here]! - | ||
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it will never grow old - | ||
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Congratulations! - | ||
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damommy: At my age, the only pole dancing I do is while holding on to the safety bar in the bathtub. |
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damommy: I entered a dialogue only contest with what turned out to be a monologue. So, I have asked Tom to remove it from the contest. |
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Is a dialog Between the three people in your head. My head. Everybody's head. Those that only have one voice in their head are boring. - | ||
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You get Ma Gician Cousin of El Greco - | ||
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damommy: I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus. And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver. |
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If I were a bus driver... Yaba daba Daba Daba Daba daba bum. All day long I'd twiddle Thumb with thumb - | ||
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In response to your post, I'll be interested to find out the answer LOL - | ||
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:) - | ||
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Thanks, I needed that! - | ||
Like my grand children. Love them. But such a pain. - | ||
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damommy: We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, a boy could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house. |
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damommy: George Washington died in 1799. The first dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never knew there were dinosaurs. |
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And maybe if Abe Lincoln knew he would be assassinated he never would have got elected. One never knows, do one? - | ||
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damommy: I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He told me they all look that way and I should have left it in the garden. |
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damommy: MANY THANKS to everyone who prayed for us here in Arkansas, and especially those who texted and even telephoned! The tornado went right down the street three doors down from my house and then around the back. It's a miracle it didn't hit our block at all. Once again, proves the power of prayer. Please forgive me for not reviewing just now. I will make it up to you. |
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damommy: If you lose a sock in the dryer, it returns as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any container. |
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Congratulations! - | ||
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damommy: Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer by Jerrold H. Zar or Margo Roark I have a spelling checker. It came with my pea sea. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it to say weather eye am wrong oar write; it shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid it nose bee fore two long, and eye can put the error rite; it's rare lea ever wrong. Eye ran this poem wright threw it, Your sure reel glad two no. Its vary polished in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays such soft wear four pea seas, and why eye mussed brake in two verse buy which eye hope too pleas. A checker is a bless sing, It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when I rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen eye trussed too bee a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. And now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flair, Their are no fault's with in my cite, Of nun eye am a ware. Beecuz uv yoosing chequers hour spelling mite decline, and if we're lacks oar have a laps, we wood bee maid too wine. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's are knot aloud. |
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What a fun post. - | ||
Beecuz uv yoosing chequers hour spelling mite decline, and if we're lacks oar have a laps, we wood bee maid too wine. That is a very good reason why one shouldn't rely on the Spell Czech too much. - | ||
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Congratulations! - | ||
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:) - | ||
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And no it will not make you fatter. The opposite. - | ||
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Brilliant. So happy for you. - | ||
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20 hours twenty days Be well - | ||
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damommy: Procrastination is totally a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today. |
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But? Yup. I procrastinated! (Grin) - | ||
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damommy: As a beauty, I'm not a great star. there are others more handsome by far. My face I don't mind it because I'm behind it. It's the people in front get the jar. |
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I know just how ugly I are. My face it ain't no shining star. But I do not mind it because I'm behind it-- The feller out front gets the jar! - | ||
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damommy: Good news! I just got an email back from Ben Colder. He is working hard on his writing and will be posting again in January. |
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damommy: I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden? |
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damommy: I want to thank everyone for their lovely birthday wishes and messages. It has meant a lot to me, more than I can say. It certainly has made the day even better. Thank you, my friends. |
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damommy: Why do I have to press one for English when I'm just going to be transferred to someone I can''t understand anyway? |
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damommy: The NSA Walks into a bar. ?Hey, I?ve got a great new joke for you!? the barman says. The NSA smiles. ?Heard it.? |
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damommy: My son Stewart is having back surgery next Thursday. I would appreciate your prayers for him. Thank you. |
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Sherry - | ||
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damommy: I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seatbelt. |
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damommy: If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a staff meeting. |
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damommy: I weighed myself on one of those scales that prints out little messages. When I stepped on, it asked if one of us would step off. |
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damommy: Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous. |
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![]() FanStory wrote to damommy: My First Poem finished second in the contest "Show us MORE of Your Early Poetry" |
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Congratulations! - | ||
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damommy: WHEN CATS ARE SAD Bartender: What'll ya have? Cat: Shot of rum. [Bartender pours it] [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar] Cat: Another. |
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damommy: A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, "Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster . . . " |
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damommy: I've been off FS for nearly a week because my computer's been in the Geek Squad shop, getting cleaned up. I got hacked, and he said he'd taken all the money out of my bank account. He couldn't do that, but it scared me half to death. I'm behind on reviewing and replying. I will try to catch up. |
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![]() FanStory wrote to damommy: My Beauty Treatment finished third in the contest "~ Here Kitty, Kitty ~" |
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damommy: I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure. |
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damommy: Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers . . . if you do find one, what's your plan? |
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damommy: When I was a child, there were two ways to die: Natural causes, and talking back to your parents. |
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So TRUE! - | ||
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damommy: Look in the Poetry Forum. Kiwisteve has started a thread to post your favorite poem. It will be fun to see what everyone's favorite is. Give it a go. |
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damommy: I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what comes out of my mouth. |
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damommy: Ugly the Cat Author Unknown Everyone in the apartment complex where I lived knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck and even his shoulders. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!? All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find. One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly, I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear - Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain. Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for. Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly. |
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Thanks for sharing this tribut to Ugly. - | ||
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damommy: I see the Free Form Poetry Contest instructs to write a free verse, and goes on to say there is no structure, meter, or rhyme. That is NOT free verse. Free verse requires to have some poetic devices, such as alliteration, internal rhyme, and so on. Look at the page that Michael Cahill wrote on the Fabulous Free Verse Club front page. Not just words on a page. |
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Valda - | ||
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damommy: Q: What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A: A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio. |
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![]() glitter-graphics.comWell, that should teach 'em! - | ||
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damommy: Today is Ideasaregem's (Dawn) birthday. Let's all PM her with good wishes. |
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damommy: To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word ?boo?. |
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damommy: Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter nods in approval and lets him in. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped hundreds of families get cost-effective health care."? St. Peter replies, "You may enter, but you'?re only approved for a three-day stay." |
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damommy: I was looking at myself in the mirror earlier today, and realized my figure has everything it had forty years ago. It's just three inches lower now. |
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damommy: For a trio of drug thieves, it was their lucky day. They broke into a home in Silver Springs, Florida, and discovered three jars of cocaine. They took it home and snorted the contents. That's when they discovered that the jars were in fact urns and that they were snorting the cremains of the victim's husband and two dogs. |
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damommy: Don't laugh when you see my new profile photo. My granddaughter wanted me to post it. It's my high school graduation picture. Yes, we had cameras way back then! |
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damommy: St. Nicholas of Myra, Turkey, between the years 270 and 343, was the man who became the legend of Santa Claus. He gave gifts and necessary things to those less fortunate. When the Dutch colonized the New World, they brought their Sinterclaus with them. And that's how it all started. |
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damommy: What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. |
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damommy: The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. |
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damommy: When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, "Four. I don't think I can eat eight." |
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you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. ![]() glitter-graphics.com - | ||
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damommy: Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal. "Ned," John called down, "I have good news and bad. The good news is, there's baseball in heaven!" "Great," said Ned. "What's the bad news?" "You're pitching Sunday." |
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![]() Everyone's a winner in Heaven. - | ||
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![]() Well, knock me over with a feather! - | ||
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damommy: Let's say you have to lift a hippo with one finger. How would you do it? You wouldn't because you can't find a one-fingered hippo. |
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damommy: / There once was a man from Nantucket who kept all his cash in a bucket. His daughter, named Nan, ran away with a man, and as for the bucket, Nantucket. |
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damommy: Sorry I?m late. I didn't know who showed up to the four-way stop first, so we all just sat there. |
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damommy: Stalking: When two people take long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact. |
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damommy: My profile photo changed back. Hmmmm. |
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There's a contest up for vote from who knows when. Click on it and all kinds of old, odd stuff shows. Who ya gonna call? - | ||
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damommy: He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?" |
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Simply beautiful! diane - | ||
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damommy: I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden? |
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damommy: One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. ?George Carlin |
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damommy: "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid," says comedy writer Gene Perret. "A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house." |
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damommy: A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, "Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster?" |
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damommy: One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, "Well, they're the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store." |
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damommy: If you haven't bought kiwisteve's book, "Forty-Four Fabulous Funnies (and fourteen more for free)," you certainly need to. It's funny, entertaining, and just what one needs to lift their spirits. |
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Then getting hIt by an airplane." Unknown author - | ||
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damommy: My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. |
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damommy: My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried -- I think she's jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf |
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damommy: How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? |
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damommy: Autocorrect walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What can I get you?" Autocorrect says, "I'll have a bear. A bare. Bier. Briar. Never mind." |
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damommy: Thank you all who sent me birthday wishes. My heart is so full, and I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends here on FanStory. You've all made it a very special day for me. |
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damommy: Nowadays, weekends are just me watching Netflix and asking my cat, "Hey, did you see that?" |
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HAVE A GREAT DAY! YOU DESERVE IT! Jan & Abby 😊 - | ||
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My blessings to you, Arkie! - | ||
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damommy: I posted a poem earlier today and failed to give the name and instructions. It was called A Quckstep Duo, created by Nancy E. Davis and named by Jim Bartlet. Instructions are: Two five-line stanzas with syllable count of 10, 10, 8, 8, 10, and rhyme scheme of a,a,b,b,a. |
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damommy: A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It's a Small World ride. He said he'll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World After All." -- Conan O'Brien |
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damommy: When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That's why in the Navy, the Captain goes down with the ship. - Dick Gregory |
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damommy: True story. I've forgotten where it took place. A woman notice her hamster hadn't moved from the corner of his cage for three days. She took him to the vet, and it turned out that somehow he had swallowed a refrigerator magnet, and he was stuck to the bars of his cage! Come on, now! As much as I love animals, this is funny! The magnet was removed and hamster is doing fine. |
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damommy: This "formula" can be read like a limerick: 12+144+20+3√4+(5x11)=92+0 7 A dozen, a gross plus a score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by 7 plus five time eleven equals nine squared plus not a bit more. |
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damommy: Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot superglued to your shoulder. |
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damommy: I wouldn't say my cooking is totally terrible, but natives keep showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soup. |
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damommy: A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, "I can't get the mower to start!" "That's because you have to curse to get it started," says the man. "I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how to curse." "You keep pulling on that rope, and it'll come back to you." |
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damommy: A well-known hunter was once asked if it was true that jungle predators will never attack a person carrying a lit torch. "That is true," he responded, "but it does depend at what speed you are carrying the torch." |
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damommy: A new psychiatrist is making rounds, getting acquainted with his new patients, and asks one of them, "So, how did you get here, anyways, Mr. Schleppel?" "Well, Doctor, it started with me getting married, a thing I never should have done. I married a widow with an adult daughter who thus became my stepdaughter. "When my father came to visit us at Thanksgiving, he fell in love with her, and they eventually married. So, my stepdaughter became my stepmother. Then, my wife gave birth to our son who, of course, was my father's brother-in-law, because he was the brother of his wife. And because my stepdaughter was my stepmother, my son was also my uncle. That means that my wife, being the mother of my stepmother, is my grandmother, and I am her grandson. But that's not everything. I'm married to my step-grandmother. I'm not only her husband and grandson, but also my own grandfather. I think that's enough to make anybody go nuts, wouldn't you agree?" |
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damommy: If you're tired of waiting at a restaurant, just call their number and ask if they also deliver to table 16. |
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damommy: When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says: "You need to eat that chocolate." The other voice goes: "You heard. Eat the chocolate." |
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damommy: A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, "What do you want?" The dog points to steak in a glass case. "How many pounds?" The dog barks twice. "Anything else?" The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog's mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog's neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, "What a remarkable dog?" "Remarkable?" snorts the owner. "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his keys." |
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damommy: Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes |
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damommy: I said: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? The mirror said: Kindly move aside. I can't see anything. |
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Unfortunately, it was a malfunction in the semi-circular canals. Thirty years before I noted an elderly gentleman riding his bicycle, upright, with fenders. I commented that was us in another few years. The others laughed. One by one they needed an artificial aid to retain their balance to walk, or ride their bicycle. Then they fell away, unable to ride a standard framed bicycle. Some tried a racing tricycle but never mastered flying the outside wheel on a fast turn. A couple tried a recumbent tricycle but were discouraged by the extra weight and the difficult ascent on the long hills from the San Fernando Valley over the mountain ranges to Santa Monica to the south, or into the Simi Valley to the west. Now, I am more akin to that older man I saw those years ago. My bicycle is geared to get there. Like the tortoise, or the little engine that could, I will make it, sometime. My goal? Membership in the nonagenarian subset of the organization in 2026. Allez! - | ||
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damommy: A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, :Superman don't need no seat belt." The flight attendant?s retort: "Superman don't need no airplane either." |
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damommy: Born and bred in Manhattan, Larry and Jane left the city to buy a cattle ranch in Wyoming. Months later, a friend flew out for a visit. "So, what did you name the ranch?" he asked. "At first, we couldn't agree on anything," said the new cowboy. "We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch"? "Wow!" His friend was impressed. But looking around, he saw no cattle. "So where are all the cows?" "None of them survived the branding." |
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damommy: Two Martians are watching Earth from the safety of their spaceship. "This is interesting," says the first. "The biped species on this planet has developed satellite--based nuclear weapons." "Are they an emerging intelligence?" asks the second alien. "I don't think so. They have them all pointed at themselves." |
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damommy: Ah, these modern days. I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone to cross the street. |
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damommy: Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom. |
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damommy: My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his dip at the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again. |
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damommy: Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"" I mean, how dangerous can a child be? |
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You have a great SON, a great story and now a great SOM (Story of the Month)!!! - | ||
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Congratulations! Karenina - | ||
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damommy: Police officer: "Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I'm going to have to take away your driver's license." Driver: "You're kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!" |
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damommy: Europeans were scared of eating tomatoes when they were introduced. Scholars think Hernan Cortes brought the seeds in 1519 with the intent of the fruits being used ornamentally in gardens. By the 1700s, aristocrats started eating tomatoes, but they were convinced the fruits were poison because people would die after eating them. In reality, the acidity from the tomatoes brought out lead in their pewter plates, so they'd died of lead poisoning. |
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damommy: You know that moment when you're in the shower and it suddenly hits you, oh, no, if something terrible were to happen right now, I'd have to run outside naked. Now, you know you've thought that at some time. |
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damommy: Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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damommy: A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. "There are no fish under the ice!" He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: "There are no fish under the ice!" He nervously looks up and asks, "Lord? Is that you?" "No, this is the rink manager! |
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damommy: I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there. |
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damommy: There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love. - Washington Irving |
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damommy: Show respect even to people who do not deserve it. Not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours. -Dave Willis |
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damommy: We didn't realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun. - Winnie the Pooh |
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damommy: The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith. |
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damommy: When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. |
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damommy: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. |
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damommy: Maybe the reason you think your washing machine is only eating single socks is that you wouldn't really notice if it ate a whole pair. |
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Because a dog isn't a fish, but it is a mammal...I think! - | ||
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damommy: A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, "Excuse me? are you a horse?" "Why yes, I am," replies the horse. "What are you doing at this movie?" The horse says, "I really liked the book." ********** Q: You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do? A: Get off the carousel and sober up. |
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"Close Me, Close Me" then it's really time! - | ||
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damommy: I haven't tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga. |
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damommy: My driving test went surprisingly well yesterday. I got 7 out of 12. The other 5 managed to run to safety. |
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damommy: Don't wear headphones while vacuuming. I've just finished the whole house and realized the vacuum wasn't even plugged in. |
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damommy: My friend was going through her wardrobe and said, "Look at this. It still fits me after 25 years." I said, "It's a scarf." |
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A snail wants to visit a friend who lives 200 metres away. The first day, he manages to travel 100 metres. The second days, he is quite tired from the previous day's effort, so he can only travel 50 yards. The third day, he has even less energy, and can manage only 25 metres. How many days will it take him to get to his friend's place? Same idea :) - | ||
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damommy: It's actually awesome how my body can take a hamburger and fries and turn it into more of my body. |
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damommy: Potlatch Poetry will be posted at a later date. |
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damommy: If you feel your children are watching too much television, mute it and put on the subtitles. Now they're reading! |
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damommy: A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor - A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here," he says. "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant. "No, not yet. The floor's still wet." |
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damommy: Covid Vaccine Reaction! This happened yesterday and is important information for those of us who happen to be over 65. I realizenot all who read this are over 65 but thought you might want a clue what it will be like someday when you reach it. A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or be hospitalized. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses. |
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damommy: Math Jokes: Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average. A farmer counter 196 cows in the field But when he rounded them up, he had 200. What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral. How do mathematicians scold their children? "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times . . . " Parallel lines have so much in common. It's too bad they'll never meet. Why can math books be so depressing? Because they're filled with problems. |
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I miss calculated Damommy is Da Man - | ||
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damommy: Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum? Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. |
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damommy: A lady went into a pet shop and was surprised to hear the parrot say, "Hey, lady. You're ugly." She ignored it and thought it was kind of funny. However, every time she entered the shop, the parrot would holler, "Hey, lady. You're ugly!" Outraged, she spoke to the shop owner who had a word with the parrot. He said, "You can't talk to people like that. It must stop, or you will be in big trouble." The parrot agreed he would stop shouting insults at the lady. The next time she went in the shop, the parrot shouted, "Hey, lady. You know!" |
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damommy: My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?" I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped." "Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said, "Of course, what is it?" He said, "Hurry up and take your shot. I'm behind you on the 7th hole." |
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damommy: One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?" The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it?s so expensive. The assistant tells him, "This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast." "Okay, what about the green one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes." "What about the red one?" the man then asks. The assistant says, "That one's $10,000." Curious, the man asks, "What does he do?" The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss." |
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damommy: Two factory workers are talking to each other one day. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "Oh, yeah? And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb. The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." As the woman leaves, the man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going? The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark." |
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damommy: They say we learn from our mistakes. That's why I'm deliberately making as many as possible. Soon, I'll be a genius!! |
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damommy: A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute." "God, how much is a million dollars?" "To me, it's a penny." "God, may I have a penny?" "Wait a minute." |
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damommy: Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons and batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open? |
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damommy: I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me. Then, forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk With Me While I Age - it's worth the read. A beautiful poem about growing older. > > > Shoot! I forgot the words. |
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damommy: Rene' Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears. (referring to his quote, "I think, therefore, I am." |
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damommy: There is a new study about how women feel about their asses. The results were very interesting. 10% think their ass is too skinny. 30% think their ass is too fat. 60% say they don't care. They love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. |
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damommy: I bet cats have a secret website where they upload clips of humans trying to open DVD packaging and jump-start cars. |
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damommy: A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "We don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often." The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised." |
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damommy: An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists. |
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damommy: Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, Let's go in there for a pint." Second guy, says, "They won't let us in with our dogs." First guy: "Sure they will, just follow my lead." He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, "I can't let you in here with that dog."? He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The doorman says, "Ok then, come on in." The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, "You can't come in here with a dog." He replies, "I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The doorman responds, "You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?" The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, "They gave me a chihuahua?" |
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damommy: My doctor said, "You have high sodium, high cholesterol, lots of toxins. In fact, your blood test is remarkably similar to that of a potato chip." |
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damommy: A burglar broke into my house last night. He was searching for money, so I got up and searched with him. |
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damommy: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels. |
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damommy: A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and will sing it to you when you have forgotten the words. -Camus. |
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damommy: The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read. -Mark Twain |
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damommy: Masks are the new bra . . . They aren't comfortable, you only wear them in public, people will notice when you DON'T wear one, and you can now get them in every color pattern and style. |
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damommy: He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?" |
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damommy: Math book. The only place where it's normal to have 21 melons and suddenly eat twelve of them. |
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damommy: Do dogs chew up shoes because they think they're the reason we leave the house when we put them on? |
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damommy: Zoo rules: Those who throw objects/stones at the crocodiles/snakes will be asked to retrieve them. |
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damommy: Seen in a library window: Please note: The post- apocalyptic fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs. |
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damommy: I've heard that, if you're thrown into water, you quickly learn to swim. I wonder if I fell off a building, will I learn to fly? |
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damommy: A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat . Ali replied, "Superman don't need no seat belt." The flight attendant's retort: "Superman don't need no airplane either." |
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![]() glitter-graphics.com Hilarious! Love the attendant's response. This is the best one today! - | ||
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damommy: Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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damommy: Two young ladies living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away . . . Florida or the moon?" The other one turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida??????" |
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damommy: A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the young woman behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' she yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' |
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damommy: A bored young man decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God" This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!" |
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damommy: A pastor recalls, "After a worship service, a mother of a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, the preacher is going to lost his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked." |
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![]() FanStory wrote to damommy: The Time Has Come! finished third in the contest "This Sentence Starts The Story" |
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damommy: Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?"" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!" |
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damommy: Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks. |
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damommy: Don't worry about other people's opinions of you. God never told you to impress people; only to love them. - DaveWillis.org |
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damommy: I think I made too many New Year's resolutions this year. It took me almost a full day to break them all. |
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damommy: Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars. Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage. |
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damommy: I'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD. I don't have it, but I'm just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning. |
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damommy: Q: You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do? A: Get off the carousel and sober up. |
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damommy: I'd rather look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying, "I wish I had done that." |
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damommy: Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels-the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter. |
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damommy: I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with the note on it saying, "Toys not included." - Bernard Manning |
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damommy: What's the differentiate between Christmas alphabet and ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel. |
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damommy: Jeopardy Question: Clue: A 2012 poll by Britain's national army museum voted this man, born in 1732, as the nation?s greatest military enemy. Correct response: George Washington |
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damommy: Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me a lot of good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier. |
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damommy: Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him the next morning. He's at the hospital getting checked for rabies now. |
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damommy: I?m old enough to remember when a wild night out meant skating around in circles while a DJ played music. |
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damommy: People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A day without laughter is a day wasted. |
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damommy: Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it. --Cullen Hightower |
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damommy: It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. - Dave Barry I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. - Billy Connolly |
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damommy: As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. --Calving Trillin |
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damommy: Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ?Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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damommy: From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. -Winston Churchill |
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damommy: An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. |
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damommy: What if dogs in water aren't swimming, but simply trying to stand up repeatedly? What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name |
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damommy: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be called a chicken sedan. |
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damommy: It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed. Written by Doe Zantamata. |
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damommy: I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? |
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damommy: You know you're getting older when . . . You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. You gave up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good. You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart. You and your teeth don't sleep together. |
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damommy: In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. |
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damommy: I was sitting in my car at Wal-Mart watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air, and every time he squeezed it . . . I honked my horn. |
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damommy: It's important to take breaks between individual exercises. I stick to breaks of about three to four years. Refusing to go the gym counts as resisting training, right? My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch. Me, sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red: I can't see you anymore. I'm a not going to let your hurt me like this again!: Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up. |
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damommy: Jan's brother passed away early this morning. She wishes to pass on her thanks to everyone for their prayers. Let's continue to pray for Jan as she faces this sad time. |
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I will continue to pray for her and her family...May her brother rest in peace. - | ||
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damommy: Jan's (Jannypan) brother is declining rapidly. If you see her posting her writing, it's what she's writing while she sits with him. She's not promoting, but please read it. She needs love and support from us all now. Thank you. |
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damommy: My husband asked me if he was the only one I'd been with. I said, yes, all the others had been nines and tens. |
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Being an Aussie, I can give you a very extensive range of expletives. - | ||
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damommy: I recently had a birthday, and I want to say I have everything I had forty years ago. It's just three inches lower now. |
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damommy: I'm so old, I can remember when multiplication was called "times tables" I really don't mind getting old, but my body is taking it badly. With age comes wisdom? Apparently, "wisdom" weighs about 20 pounds. |
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Glad to see you Yvonne, missed you. - | ||
It's nice to be missed. Thank you, Mrs. M. - | ||
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I must be INCREDIBLY WISE but only regards wisdom weighing 20 pounds. I'd say I'm at genius level. - | ||
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damommy: My son, John, passed away on September 19, 2020. I appreciate everyone's love and support, and the lovely poems you wrote. I love you all. Thanks to Jan for taking care of my clubs. I don't know when I'll be back on FanStory. |
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damommy: When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. It's not what I expected. I thought growing old would take longer. My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted. |
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It looks so hard to do. thank you for sharing. Cooke - | ||
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Could you be referring to arthiristis? Hopefully, I'm mistaken. - | ||
I promise I won't send him your way, he's creepy! - | ||
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damommy: I yelled downstairs to my husband and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" "No," he replied. I said, "How about now?" |
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damommy: 4 out of 3 three people struggle with math. Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was cute and funny? Anyway, I need bail money. |
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damommy: My date last night was really awesome. We had a definite spark and pretty soon, he was lying at my feet. I love my new taser. |
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damommy: Jannypan (Jan) wants to apologize for not getting back to her reviews. Her brother, Tim, is in the hospital after discovering he has a brain tumor. We don't know any information yet. She will get to her reviews as time permits. Please pray for Tim and Jan and family. |
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recovers..I will keep Jan, and her family in my Prayers...please let her know that...she's not alone, God's with her at this difficult time, and so are those of us that care for her..Victoria - | ||
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damommy: Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them? -- Rose Kennedy An ironing board is a surf board that gave up on its dreams and went to work. |
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damommy: I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn't tell what gave him the bigger shock -- the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house. The snowman sniffs and says, "Hmmm, funny, I smell carrots." |
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damommy: A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon. A customer walks up to him and says, "It's not often that I see a drinking bourbon here!" The dog replies, "Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices." What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena? No idea, but if it laughs, I join in. |
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damommy: I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. Do crabs think we walk sideways? |
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even gave me the check...no it wasn't a BIG one, but it was surely more than I had before I won..so I was a happy camper...where is it now?...Gone with the wind!! - | ||
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damommy: Do not let them take your temperature going into the store! It's a scam! They're erasing your memory. I went for bread and eggs, but came home with Blue Bell Ice Cream and Snickers. |
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damommy: I wonder on how many animals' backs did we humans have to jump until we found that horses are OK with it. |
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damommy: We never really grow up.... we only learn how to act in public. My computer went down today, and I had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks. |
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damommy: I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this years. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage. |
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damommy: THE ANIMAL CRACKERS CLUB is open to all and any of God's creatures. It seems we have more response from cat and dog lovers, but there must be some of you who have another kind of pets ? birds, fish, reptiles, etc. Please feel free to write about them in our club. ASK P&P ADVICE COLUMN is not just for dogs or cats, either. Questions from anyone are very welcome and appreciated. It's all done in fun! |
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damommy: Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday, and believe me, that's a lot of coloring. |
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damommy: No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself. --John Steinbeck |
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damommy: I just to a self-defense course. I wouldn't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now. |
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damommy: That moment when you talk to yourself and you start laughing like an idiot because you're just so hilarious! |
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damommy: Why don't I have any tattoos? For the same reason you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari. |
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damommy: I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out." |
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I have a little Satnav I've had it all my life It's better than the normal ones My Satnav is my wife It gives me full instructions Especially how to drive "It's 60 kilometres an hour", it says "You're doing sixty five" It tells me when to stop and start And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever Safe to overtake It tells me when a light is red And when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene It lists the vehicles just in front And all those to the rear And taking this into account It specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver Has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice It fills me up with counselling Each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed, It washes all my shirts and things And - keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages And my tendency to scoff, I do wish that once in a while I could turn the f-----g thing off." doh! - | ||
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"If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything." I agree with you, damommy. While everyone has the right to expresse their opinion, there is a tactful way to do that many ignore. - | ||
Jan if you thought my response to Yvonne's funny profile thought was in bad taste or a personal attack you've got to lighten up a bit. It was inane poem about a satnav saying it was comparible to one's "significant half' I bet your significant half would of had a giggle. The sad thing is Jan you have never gotten over my silly parody song from 5 months ago on the coronavirus at a time that no one was taking it seriously and even though it was written in the vein to lighten up which is now a very serious concern in the world today and sure in hindsight I regret posting it but sadly you have been a dog with a bone ever since ready to pounce on anything I post and thats fine but don't drag everyone else in on your bitterness. I for one was the person who had pushed for a couple of years that the political and religious threads should be removed from the forum as it became toxic and ruined friendships that had been forged through the common passion of the written word be them ever so diverse in style and personality. I have had a wonderful friendship with Yvonne over the 7 years of coming to Fanstory and always appreciate her reviews. Sadly my disillusionment with this wonderful site over the last 6 months and the seriousness and toxity that had been only enhanced by those two threads has seen my visits only fleeting. Unfortunately I just don't have the time in my life or the impetus at present to dedicate to this once enjoyable site the dedication it deserves respectfully and disappointingly dip - | ||
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If that offended you Yvonne I apologise but in the context of your initial 'profile thought' I really thought it would give you a giggle, it was never meant to be offensive just a bit of fun. Jan , Nor lighten up a bit for God's sake. I will refrain from posting here anymore if I'm that offensive. - | ||
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damommy: No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself. - John Steinbeck |
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damommy: Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. - Cyril Connolly |
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damommy: Lyenochka and I are posting an advice column call "Ask P&P." We like questions from any of God's little creatures, not necessarily cats. You can PM either of us with your questions. |
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damommy: Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. - Martin Luther |
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damommy: No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. -Terry Pratchett |
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damommy: I'm so bored with all this isolation. I went outside and knocked on my own door, then came back in and said who is it? |
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You'll never ever see a cat running for fun. Except in the Lion King - | ||
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damommy: On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, "Any suggestions for painting dogs?" Another responded, "Wait till they're asleep." |
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damommy: My mind is like my internet browser 19 tabs open 3 of the are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from |
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I think in my family, it's me! hahahaha - | ||
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damommy: With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too. |
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Truck on down, truck on down and find me! How's that Yvonne! lol - | ||
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damommy: A screwdriver rolls into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver squeals, "You have a drink named Philip??" |
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The bartender announces.."hey we have a nation after you"....the trump supporter responds.....What ? Michael? - | ||
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It's in the corner for me, Jan, I didn't realize a tomato was a fruit for a long time...Let's just say, wisdom was a little late showing it's face lol...but Now I know! I just finished making a salad to go with my dinner. That was a good on Yvonne! Take Care and Stay Safe! - | ||
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damommy: Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr. |
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damommy: My boss told me, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now, I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Wonder Woman. |
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damommy: Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. - Mark Twain |
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damommy: We are all brothers under the skin, and I, for one, would be willing to skin humanity to prove it. -Ayn Rand |
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I'll be right behind you...quick, fast, and in a hurry! - | ||
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damommy: "Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it." -Mark Twain |
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How very sad, Yvonne, that such a thought is true....but it is! - | ||
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damommy: During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act. -- George Orwell |
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Rick Simpson cannabis oil. Essiac tea. The Budwig protocol The Alzheimer's protocol. The Hockey clinics. Black salve. Black seed oil. Anything that will cure people and detail big pharma - | ||
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damommy: For the first time since 1945, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been cancel . . . cancul . . . cance . . . called off. |
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damommy: If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like bam, there's a snail. |
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damommy: "Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood." |
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damommy: Do you think some future archeologist will dig out Disney World and assume it's a temple of some bizarre mouse worshipping cult? |
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damommy: In answer to Judiverse's dilemma: Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: "Oh, for goodness sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!" |
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damommy: At the police academy, the instructor was telling different scenarios the cadets may encounter when they become police officers. The instructor asked one young cadet, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" The cadet replied, "Call for backup!" |
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damommy: I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in high school math instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during parallelogram season. |
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damommy: The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call my chief." The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief," asked the policeman. "Is it the Governor" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!" "Is it the President" asked the chief. "No! Even more important!" "Well, who is it then" screamed the chief. "I don't know, sir," replied the policeman, "But he's got the Pope as his driver." |
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damommy: It's actually awesome how my body can take a hamburger and fries and turn it into more of my body! |
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damommy: In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered, "a doctor." |
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damommy: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now. |
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P.S. Do you want to be buddies? - | ||
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damommy: Feeling guilty about your kid watching too much TV? Mute it and put the captions on. Boom. Now they're reading. |
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damommy: Exercise for People Over 60 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room a ech side. With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you?ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags. Then try 50-lb. potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can life a 100-lb. potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I?m at this level). After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. |
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damommy: My cleaning lady just called and told me she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do. |
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damommy: I see people around my age mountain climbing. I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance! |
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damommy: To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough. They lied! Everyone else had clothes on! |
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damommy: 8:00 p.m. is now the official time to remove your day pajamas and put on your night pajamas. |
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damommy: During this quarantine, my thoughts go out for all those poor married men who've spent months telling the wife, "I'll do that when I have time." |
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My list is over a foolscap long but the surf has been good lately lol - | ||
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damommy: Please forgive me if I don't get any reviewing done for a few days. I injured my left hand yesterday and typing is very difficult using one hand. |
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Blessings...Victoria - | ||
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damommy: Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Okay, FINE. It was a pizza. I ate a pizza. |
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damommy: When I start to sing, my family goes out and does some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on. |
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Suppose I should be careful what I wish for around here. - | ||
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damommy: I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. |
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damommy: In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." |
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dipi lama - | ||
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damommy: When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, 'Strip down, facing me.' Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as he instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out he was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader! I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad. |
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That?s hilarious, I can?t stop laughing. - | ||
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damommy: If you ever see me running, run like hell, too. I?m far too lazy to be running without a good reason. |
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damommy: The person who thought it?s a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didn?t have any siblings. |
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I for some weird reason have one to the bathroom ceiling light in my kitchen. There is another in the bathroom which is for lights above the vanity. It's so strange. - | ||
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damommy: I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight. |
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damommy: Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 1 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Ron replied, "That would be my wife." |
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damommy: A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster! The offspring were the laughingstock of the community. |
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damommy: Don?t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that?ll freak you right out. |
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damommy: Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere that makes your heart race and changes you forever . . . we call these people cops. |
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damommy: Check out scholarship for Pantygynt's poetry class!!! Go to the 'Clubs' tab under 'Social' tab. |
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damommy: I had a really bad day yesterday. First, my ex got run over by a bus. Then, I got fired from my job as a bus driver. |
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damommy: Last night, I dreamed I was walking on the beach. I guess that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning. |
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damommy: We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet. - Rita Rudner |
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damommy: A bowl of rice is great if you're hungry and want 2,000 of something. |
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damommy: I just talked with our good friend Douglas Paul. He's determined to be up and about soon. His attitude is an inspiration! Let's pray that he will. |
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damommy: They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543. |
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damommy: 10 FUN FACTS 1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried No. 3. 6. When you did No. 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 7. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 8. You skipped No. 5. 9. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 10. Share this with your friends to have some fun, too! |
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damommy: A Police Officer came to my house and asked where I'd been between 5 and 6. He seemed a bit irritated when I answered, "Kindergarten." |
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damommy: I'm bored. I think I'll go to mall, find a parking spot, and sit in my car with the reverse lights on. |
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damommy: I hate it when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. |
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Sometimes I wish people knew the full story and not just judge someone on heresay and rumour. and know first hand the facts. Thanks for posting Yvonne xdip - | ||
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damommy: I just spoke to Douglas Paul's son. Douglas is back in the hospital. Brett, the son, said there were indications that it go could either way. We'll pray it goes in his favor. Douglas has been a good friend to many on FS. |
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damommy: Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking its time and getting to know everyone personally. |
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You get it from your kids. - | ||
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xx - | ||
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![]() FanStory wrote to damommy: You Can't Fool Mother Baker finished first in the contest "Every Story Has A Beginning" |
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(three's a crowd, right?) Jan ![]() - | ||
Love the kittens. - | ||
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Yvonne - | ||
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damommy: It seems someone has created a Hotmail account using my name, and are contacting everyone in my contact list. If you get anything from yuzzell@hotmail.com, it is NOT me. I'm so sorry this is happening, and I'm taking whatever steps I can to stop it. Thank you for understanding. |
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CONGRATULATIONS, Yvonne! ![]() ~Dean - | ||
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Congratulations! ~diane - | ||
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I'm happy for you Alx - | ||
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Congratulations, so well deserved! ![]() | ||
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your creative efforts. - | ||
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![]() FanStory wrote to damommy: Wally Weasel's Vacation finished second in the contest "Write Your Best Children's Poem" |
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CONGRATULATIONS! ![]() glitter-graphics.com - | ||
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damommy: I want to thank the Committee for choosing my story in the Dribble Flash Fiction contest. Also, the lovely people who sent me congratulations. I was never so surprised, and I'm tickled pink! Thank you, everyone. |
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![]() FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! The Kept Appointment won the contest "Dribble Flash Fiction" |
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Alx - | ||
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Congrats! So original and funny. :)) - | ||
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I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! ![]() - | ||
Congratulations! - | ||
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damommy: Pluviophile - a lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days. |
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Don't you love Wehr3's reply? LOL - | ||
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