damommy

damommy:

Do dogs chew up shoes because they think they're the reason we leave the house when we put them on?

damommy:
Zoo rules: Those who throw objects/stones at the crocodiles/snakes will be asked to retrieve them.

damommy:
Seen in a library window:

Please note:
The post- apocalyptic fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs.

damommy:

I've heard that, if you're thrown into water, you quickly learn to swim. I wonder if I fell off a building, will I learn to fly?

damommy:

A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat . Ali replied, "Superman don't need no seat belt." The flight attendant's retort: "Superman don't need no airplane either."

damommy:
"The things that make me different are the things that make me, me." - Winnie the Pooh

damommy:

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart. - Winnie the Pooh

damommy:

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

damommy:

Two young ladies living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away . . . Florida or the moon?" The other one turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida??????"

damommy:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the young woman behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' she yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

damommy:

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

damommy:

A bored young man decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God" This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

damommy:

A pastor recalls, "After a worship service, a mother of a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, the preacher is going to lost his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

FanStory wrote to damommy: The Time Has Come! finished third in the contest "This Sentence Starts The Story"

damommy:

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?"" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

damommy:

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

damommy:

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

damommy:

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

damommy:

Don't worry about other people's opinions of you. God never told you to impress people; only to love them.
- DaveWillis.org

damommy:

I think I made too many New Year's resolutions this year. It took me almost a full day to break them all.

damommy:

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

damommy:

I'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD. I don't have it, but I'm just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning.

damommy:

Q: You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?

A: Get off the carousel and sober up.

damommy:
Here's a helpful tip for the winter -
If you call out for pizza enough times, you don't have to shovel your walk. -Maxine comic strip

damommy:

I'd rather look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying, "I wish I had done that."

damommy:

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels-the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

damommy:

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with the note on it saying, "Toys not included." - Bernard Manning

damommy:

What's the differentiate between Christmas alphabet and ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

damommy: Jeopardy Question:

Clue: A 2012 poll by Britain's national army museum voted this man, born in 1732, as the nation?s greatest military enemy.

Correct response: George Washington

damommy:

Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me a lot of good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier.

damommy:

Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him the next morning. He's at the hospital getting checked for rabies now.

damommy:

I?m old enough to remember when a wild night out meant skating around in circles while a DJ played music.

damommy:

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

damommy:

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

--Cullen Hightower

damommy:

Seen on a church sign: By sheer perseverance, the snail made it to the ark.

damommy:

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

-- Bertrand Russell

damommy:

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Al McGuire

damommy:
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
- Billy Connolly

damommy:

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
--Calving Trillin

damommy:

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ?Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

damommy:

I'm so old, when I was young, rainbows were black and white.

damommy:

Sometimes I talk to myself, and then we both just laugh and laugh.

damommy:
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. -Winston Churchill

damommy:


An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

damommy:

What if dogs in water aren't swimming, but simply trying to stand up repeatedly?

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name

damommy:

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be called a chicken sedan.

damommy:

It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.
Written by Doe Zantamata.

damommy:

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?

damommy:
You know you're getting older when . . .

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

You gave up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

damommy:

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

damommy:

I hate spelling errors. You mix up to letters, and your entire post urined.

damommy:

I was sitting in my car at Wal-Mart watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air, and every time he squeezed it . . . I honked my horn.

damommy:
It's important to take breaks between individual exercises. I stick to breaks of about three to four years.

Refusing to go the gym counts as resisting training, right?

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.

Me, sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red: I can't see you anymore. I'm a not going to let your hurt me like this again!:
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.

damommy: Jan's brother passed away early this morning. She wishes to pass on her thanks to everyone for their prayers. Let's continue to pray for Jan as she faces this sad time.

damommy:

Once I started to read between the lines, I realized that all books were really the same.

damommy: Jan's (Jannypan) brother is declining rapidly. If you see her posting her writing, it's what she's writing while she sits with him. She's not promoting, but please read it. She needs love and support from us all now. Thank you.

damommy:


My husband asked me if he was the only one I'd been with. I said, yes, all the others had been nines and tens.

damommy:

Some days, the supply of curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

damommy:
An apple a day really can keep the doctor away - but only if you aim it well.

damommy:

I recently had a birthday, and I want to say I have everything I had forty years ago. It's just three inches lower now.

damommy:
I'm so old, I can remember when multiplication was called "times tables"

I really don't mind getting old, but my body is taking it badly.

With age comes wisdom? Apparently, "wisdom" weighs about 20 pounds.

damommy:

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

You can't control everything. Your hair was put on top of your head to remind you of this.

damommy:

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

damommy:

My son, John, passed away on September 19, 2020. I appreciate everyone's love and support, and the lovely poems you wrote. I love you all.

Thanks to Jan for taking care of my clubs.

I don't know when I'll be back on FanStory.

damommy:

I'm so busy I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse.

damommy:
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. It's not what I expected.

I thought growing old would take longer.

My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

damommy:

I yelled downstairs to my husband and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

"No," he replied.

I said, "How about now?"

damommy:
4 out of 3 three people struggle with math.

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was cute and funny? Anyway, I need bail money.

damommy:

My date last night was really awesome. We had a definite spark and pretty soon, he was lying at my feet. I love my new taser.

damommy: Jannypan (Jan) wants to apologize for not getting back to her reviews. Her brother, Tim, is in the hospital after discovering he has a brain tumor. We don't know any information yet. She will get to her reviews as time permits. Please pray for Tim and Jan and family.

damommy:

Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them? -- Rose Kennedy

An ironing board is a surf board that gave up on its dreams and went to work.

damommy:

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn't tell what gave him the bigger shock -- the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

The snowman sniffs and says, "Hmmm, funny, I smell carrots."

damommy:

A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon. A customer walks up to him and says, "It's not often that I see a drinking bourbon here!" The dog replies, "Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices."

What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena? No idea, but if it laughs, I join in.

damommy:

I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Do crabs think we walk sideways?

damommy:

Do not let them take your temperature going into the store! It's a scam! They're erasing your memory. I went for bread and eggs, but came home with Blue Bell Ice Cream and Snickers.

damommy:

I wonder on how many animals' backs did we humans have to jump until we found that horses are OK with it.

damommy:

We never really grow up.... we only learn how to act in public.

My computer went down today, and I had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

damommy:

I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this years. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

damommy:
THE ANIMAL CRACKERS CLUB is open to all and any of God's creatures. It seems we have more response from cat and dog lovers, but there must be some of you who have another kind of pets ? birds, fish, reptiles, etc. Please feel free to write about them in our club.

ASK P&P ADVICE COLUMN is not just for dogs or cats, either. Questions from anyone are very welcome and appreciated. It's all done in fun!

damommy:

Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday, and believe me, that's a lot of coloring.

damommy:

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.

--John Steinbeck

damommy:

Newspaper ad:
We are asking rioters to work from home
and destroy their own property.

damommy:

I just to a self-defense course. I wouldn't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

damommy:

I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers, but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

damommy:
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

damommy:

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

damommy:

That moment when you talk to yourself and you start laughing like an idiot because you're just so hilarious!

damommy:

Why don't I have any tattoos? For the same reason you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

damommy:

I went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.

damommy:

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

damommy:

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.
- John Steinbeck

damommy:

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. - Cyril Connolly

damommy:

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

damommy:

I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine!

damommy:

I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who's going to do it.

damommy:

A lot of problems would have solved if those cowboy architects had built the town big enough for two.

damommy: Lyenochka and I are posting an advice column call "Ask P&P." We like questions from any of God's little creatures, not necessarily cats. You can PM either of us with your questions.

damommy:

I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.

damommy:

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. - Martin Luther

damommy:

I just realized that "Let me check my calendar" is the adult version of "Let me ask my mom."

damommy:
2020 - the year your trash bin goes out more than you.

damommy:
No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
-Terry Pratchett

damommy:

I'm so bored with all this isolation. I went outside and knocked on my own door, then came back in and said who is it?

damommy:

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. -Jean de la Fontaine

damommy:

Cats are smarter than dogs. You'd never get eight cats to pull a sled.

damommy:
On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, "Any suggestions for painting dogs?"

Another responded, "Wait till they're asleep."

damommy:
My mind is like my internet browser
19 tabs open
3 of the are frozen
and I have no idea where the music is coming from

damommy:

Every family has one weird relative

If you don't know who it is, then it's probably you.

damommy:
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

damommy:

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver squeals, "You have a drink named Philip??"

damommy:

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

damommy:

The first parents ever to have identical twins must have been really confused.

damommy:

Before crowbars were invented, crows had to drink at home.

damommy:
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

damommy:
My boss told me, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

Now, I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Wonder Woman.

damommy:

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. - Mark Twain

damommy:
Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it. -Helen Keller

damommy:

We are all brothers under the skin, and I, for one, would be willing to skin humanity to prove it.

-Ayn Rand

damommy:

"Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it."

-Mark Twain

damommy:

During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

-- George Orwell

damommy:

For the first time since 1945,
the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been
cancel . . . cancul . . .
cance . . .
called off.

damommy:

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like bam, there's a snail.

damommy:

"Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood."

damommy:

Do you think some future archeologist will dig out Disney World and assume it's a temple of some bizarre mouse worshipping cult?

damommy:

In answer to Judiverse's dilemma:

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: "Oh, for goodness sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!"

damommy:
I like to hold hands at the movies . . . which always seems to startle strangers.

damommy:

At the police academy, the instructor was telling different scenarios the cadets may encounter when they become police officers.

The instructor asked one young cadet, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

The cadet replied, "Call for backup!"

damommy:

I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in high school math instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

damommy: The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call my chief."

The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding.

"How do I handle this, chief," asked the policeman.

"Is it the Governor" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who is it then" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the policeman, "But he's got the Pope as his driver."

damommy:

Is a paper cut the tree?s way of getting back at you?

damommy:

It's actually awesome how my body can take a hamburger and fries and turn it into more of my body!

damommy:

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered, "a doctor."

damommy:

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

damommy:

A man goes into a shoe store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any alligator shoes?"

"I don't know," replies the clerk. "What size does your alligator wear?"

damommy:

Feeling guilty about your kid watching too much TV? Mute it and put the captions on. Boom. Now they're reading.

damommy:

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of the little monsters called in a bomb threat.

damommy:

Exercise for People Over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room a ech side.

With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you?ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags. Then try 50-lb. potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can life a 100-lb. potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I?m at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

damommy:

You know where the general keeps his armies?




Up his sleevies.

damommy:
I'm officially old. I just spent ten minutes chasing an eye floater with a fly swatter.

damommy:

My cleaning lady just called and told me she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.

damommy:
I see people around my age mountain climbing. I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance!

damommy:
To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough. They lied! Everyone else had clothes on!

damommy:

8:00 p.m. is now the official time to remove your day pajamas and put on your night pajamas.

damommy: During this quarantine, my thoughts go out for all those poor married men who've spent months telling the wife, "I'll do that when I have time."

damommy:

Please forgive me if I don't get any reviewing done for a few days. I injured my left hand yesterday and typing is very difficult using one hand.

damommy:

I shot a turkey yesterday. It scared the heck out of the other customers at the meat counter.

damommy:

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Okay, FINE. It was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

damommy:

When I start to sing, my family goes out and does some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

damommy:

Q: How do you make antifreeze?

A: You steal her pajamas.

damommy:

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

damommy:

The daffodils have buds and I expect snow any day. It always happens that way, what I call the Daffodil and Snow Tire Festival. lol.

damommy:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

damommy:

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

damommy: ?Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.?
? Anonymous.

damommy:

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

damommy: When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, 'Strip down, facing me.'

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as he instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out he was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

damommy: If you ever see me running, run like hell, too. I?m far too lazy to be running without a good reason.

damommy: The person who thought it?s a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didn?t have any siblings.

damommy: I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.