damommy

damommy:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN THE CANDLES COST MORE THAN THE CAKE.

damommy:
How broke am I? Well, if someone robbed me, it would only be for practice.

damommy:

How fast does a zebra need to run before it looks grey?

damommy:

70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, flat.

damommy:

My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don?t get off the computer. I'm not too worried - I think she's okindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

damommy:
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!

damommy: A sweet old lady telephoned Baptist Medical Center - Springhill. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing??
The operator said, I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room.
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.?
The old lady said, Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.
The operator replied, You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter??
The old lady said, ?No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one ever tells me anything about how I'm doin'.?

damommy:

An elderly man in Sherwood called his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

damommy: A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please, God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." With that, a big wave washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. The grandmother looks up to heaven and says, 'He had a hat!'

damommy:

Any mirror you buy is already in used condition.

damommy:
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

damommy:
A young man was telling his friend that he'd lost his job as a bank teller. The friend asked what happened and the young man said, "I don't know. A little old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I shoved her over."

FanStory wrote to damommy: She Won! finished second in the contest "The Sequel "

damommy:

Groceries are so expensive, Thanksgiving is about to be Taco Thursday.