damommy

damommy:

One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries.
- Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne

damommy:

I haven't tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

damommy:

No one has ever been in an empty room.

FanStory wrote to damommy: Life Before the Mast finished first in the contest "FUN! FUN! FUN!"

damommy:


My driving test went surprisingly well yesterday. I got 7 out of 12. The other 5 managed to run to safety.

damommy:

Don't wear headphones while vacuuming. I've just finished the whole house and realized the vacuum wasn't even plugged in.

damommy:

My friend was going through her wardrobe and said, "Look at this. It still fits me after 25 years."
I said, "It's a scarf."

damommy:

If every person on Earth blinked at the same time, nobody would ever find out.

damommy:

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

damommy:

The word "queue" is just a "Q" followed by four silent letters.

damommy:

It's actually awesome how my body can take a hamburger and fries and turn it into more of my body.

damommy: Potlatch Poetry will be posted at a later date.

damommy:

The darker it gets, the stronger is my belief in ghosts.

damommy:

If you feel your children are watching too much television, mute it and put on the subtitles. Now they're reading!

damommy:
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor -

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here," he says. "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant.

"No, not yet. The floor's still wet."

damommy:


Covid Vaccine Reaction!

This happened yesterday and is important information for those of us who happen to be over 65. I realizenot all who read this are over 65 but thought you might want a clue what it will be like someday when you reach it.

A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or be hospitalized.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.

damommy:

It's not hard to meet expenses.
They're everywhere.

damommy:

How is seven different from the rest of the numbers between one and ten?

damommy:

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.

damommy:
Math Jokes:

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
It was three feet deep on average.

A farmer counter 196 cows in the field
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A roamin' numeral.

How do mathematicians scold their children?
"If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times . . . "

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's too bad they'll never meet.

Why can math books be so depressing?
Because they're filled with problems.

damommy:

Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

damommy:
A lady went into a pet shop and was surprised to hear the parrot say, "Hey, lady. You're ugly."
She ignored it and thought it was kind of funny.

However, every time she entered the shop, the parrot would holler, "Hey, lady. You're ugly!"

Outraged, she spoke to the shop owner who had a word with the parrot. He said, "You can't talk to people like that. It must stop, or you will be in big trouble."

The parrot agreed he would stop shouting insults at the lady.

The next time she went in the shop, the parrot shouted, "Hey, lady. You know!"

damommy:

It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed. - Doe Zantamata

damommy:

My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot. I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

damommy: One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"

The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it?s so expensive.

The assistant tells him, "This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast."
"Okay, what about the green one?" the man asks.

The assistant says, "He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes."

"What about the red one?" the man then asks.

The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."

Curious, the man asks, "What does he do?"

The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."

damommy:
Two factory workers are talking to each other one day.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "Oh, yeah? And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb.

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

As the woman leaves, the man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

damommy:

A forgetful old gas man named Dieter
who went poking around his gas heater,
touched a leak with his light;
he blew out of sight -
and, as everyone who know anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.

damommy:
They say we learn from our mistakes. That's why I'm deliberately making as many as possible.
Soon, I'll be a genius!!

damommy:

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"

God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."

"God, how much is a million dollars?"

"To me, it's a penny."

"God, may I have a penny?"

"Wait a minute."

damommy:

Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons and batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open?

FanStory wrote to damommy: Edna finished second in the contest "True Story Contest"

damommy:
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me. Then, forwarding it will be worth the effort.

Walk With Me While I Age -
it's worth the read. A beautiful poem about growing older.
>
>
>
Shoot!

I forgot the words.

damommy:

If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

damommy:

Rene' Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?"

Descartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.




(referring to his quote, "I think, therefore, I am."

damommy:
There is a new study about how women feel about their asses. The results were very interesting.

10% think their ass is too skinny.
30% think their ass is too fat.
60% say they don't care. They love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.

damommy:

It's so cold, my teeth were chattering all night - and I wasn't even wearing them.

damommy:

I bet cats have a secret website where they upload clips of humans trying to open DVD packaging and jump-start cars.

damommy:

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "We don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often." The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

damommy:

An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.

damommy:

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, Let's go in there for a pint." Second guy, says, "They won't let us in with our dogs." First guy: "Sure they will, just follow my lead."

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, "I can't let you in here with that dog."? He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The doorman says, "Ok then, come on in."

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, "You can't come in here with a dog." He replies, "I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The doorman responds, "You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?" The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, "They gave me a chihuahua?"

damommy:

My doctor said, "You have high sodium, high cholesterol, lots of toxins. In fact, your blood test is remarkably similar to that of a potato chip."

damommy:

A burglar broke into my house last night. He was searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.

damommy:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels.

damommy:

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and will sing it to you when you have forgotten the words.
-Camus.

damommy:
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read. -Mark Twain

damommy:

Masks are the new bra . . .
They aren't comfortable, you only wear them in public, people will notice when you DON'T wear one, and you can now get them in every color pattern and style.

damommy:
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"

damommy:

Lent is coming up. Get your ash in church.

damommy:
Math book. The only place where it's normal to have 21 melons and suddenly eat twelve of them.

damommy:

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. - Winnie the Pooh

damommy:

Never underestimate the power of a random compliment.

damommy:

Do dogs chew up shoes because they think they're the reason we leave the house when we put them on?

damommy:
Zoo rules: Those who throw objects/stones at the crocodiles/snakes will be asked to retrieve them.

damommy:
Seen in a library window:

Please note:
The post- apocalyptic fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs.

damommy:

I've heard that, if you're thrown into water, you quickly learn to swim. I wonder if I fell off a building, will I learn to fly?

damommy:

A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat . Ali replied, "Superman don't need no seat belt." The flight attendant's retort: "Superman don't need no airplane either."

damommy:
"The things that make me different are the things that make me, me." - Winnie the Pooh

damommy:

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart. - Winnie the Pooh

damommy:

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

damommy:

Two young ladies living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away . . . Florida or the moon?" The other one turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida??????"

damommy:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the young woman behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' she yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

damommy:

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

damommy:

A bored young man decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God" This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

damommy:

A pastor recalls, "After a worship service, a mother of a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, the preacher is going to lost his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

FanStory wrote to damommy: The Time Has Come! finished third in the contest "This Sentence Starts The Story"

damommy:

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?"" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

damommy:

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

damommy:

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

damommy:

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

damommy:

Don't worry about other people's opinions of you. God never told you to impress people; only to love them.
- DaveWillis.org

damommy:

I think I made too many New Year's resolutions this year. It took me almost a full day to break them all.

damommy:

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

damommy:

I'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD. I don't have it, but I'm just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning.

damommy:

Q: You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?

A: Get off the carousel and sober up.

damommy:
Here's a helpful tip for the winter -
If you call out for pizza enough times, you don't have to shovel your walk. -Maxine comic strip

damommy:

I'd rather look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying, "I wish I had done that."

damommy:

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels-the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

damommy:

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with the note on it saying, "Toys not included." - Bernard Manning

damommy:

What's the differentiate between Christmas alphabet and ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

damommy: Jeopardy Question:

Clue: A 2012 poll by Britain's national army museum voted this man, born in 1732, as the nation?s greatest military enemy.

Correct response: George Washington

damommy:

Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me a lot of good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier.

damommy:

Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him the next morning. He's at the hospital getting checked for rabies now.

damommy:

I?m old enough to remember when a wild night out meant skating around in circles while a DJ played music.

damommy:

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

damommy:

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

--Cullen Hightower

damommy:

Seen on a church sign: By sheer perseverance, the snail made it to the ark.

damommy:

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

-- Bertrand Russell

damommy:

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Al McGuire

damommy:
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
- Billy Connolly

damommy:

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
--Calving Trillin

damommy:

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ?Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

damommy:

I'm so old, when I was young, rainbows were black and white.

damommy:

Sometimes I talk to myself, and then we both just laugh and laugh.

damommy:
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. -Winston Churchill

damommy:


An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

damommy:

What if dogs in water aren't swimming, but simply trying to stand up repeatedly?

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name

damommy:

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be called a chicken sedan.

damommy:

It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.
Written by Doe Zantamata.

damommy:

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?

damommy:
You know you're getting older when . . .

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

You gave up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

damommy:

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

damommy:

I hate spelling errors. You mix up to letters, and your entire post urined.

damommy:

I was sitting in my car at Wal-Mart watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air, and every time he squeezed it . . . I honked my horn.

damommy:
It's important to take breaks between individual exercises. I stick to breaks of about three to four years.

Refusing to go the gym counts as resisting training, right?

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.

Me, sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red: I can't see you anymore. I'm a not going to let your hurt me like this again!:
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.

damommy: Jan's brother passed away early this morning. She wishes to pass on her thanks to everyone for their prayers. Let's continue to pray for Jan as she faces this sad time.

damommy:

Once I started to read between the lines, I realized that all books were really the same.

damommy: Jan's (Jannypan) brother is declining rapidly. If you see her posting her writing, it's what she's writing while she sits with him. She's not promoting, but please read it. She needs love and support from us all now. Thank you.

damommy:


My husband asked me if he was the only one I'd been with. I said, yes, all the others had been nines and tens.

damommy:

Some days, the supply of curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

damommy:
An apple a day really can keep the doctor away - but only if you aim it well.

damommy:

I recently had a birthday, and I want to say I have everything I had forty years ago. It's just three inches lower now.

damommy:
I'm so old, I can remember when multiplication was called "times tables"

I really don't mind getting old, but my body is taking it badly.

With age comes wisdom? Apparently, "wisdom" weighs about 20 pounds.

damommy:

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

You can't control everything. Your hair was put on top of your head to remind you of this.

damommy:

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

damommy:

My son, John, passed away on September 19, 2020. I appreciate everyone's love and support, and the lovely poems you wrote. I love you all.

Thanks to Jan for taking care of my clubs.

I don't know when I'll be back on FanStory.

damommy:

I'm so busy I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse.

damommy:
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. It's not what I expected.

I thought growing old would take longer.

My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

damommy:

I yelled downstairs to my husband and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

"No," he replied.

I said, "How about now?"

damommy:
4 out of 3 three people struggle with math.

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was cute and funny? Anyway, I need bail money.

damommy:

My date last night was really awesome. We had a definite spark and pretty soon, he was lying at my feet. I love my new taser.

damommy: Jannypan (Jan) wants to apologize for not getting back to her reviews. Her brother, Tim, is in the hospital after discovering he has a brain tumor. We don't know any information yet. She will get to her reviews as time permits. Please pray for Tim and Jan and family.

damommy:

Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them? -- Rose Kennedy

An ironing board is a surf board that gave up on its dreams and went to work.

damommy:

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn't tell what gave him the bigger shock -- the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

The snowman sniffs and says, "Hmmm, funny, I smell carrots."

damommy:

A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon. A customer walks up to him and says, "It's not often that I see a drinking bourbon here!" The dog replies, "Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices."

What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena? No idea, but if it laughs, I join in.

damommy:

I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Do crabs think we walk sideways?

damommy:

Do not let them take your temperature going into the store! It's a scam! They're erasing your memory. I went for bread and eggs, but came home with Blue Bell Ice Cream and Snickers.

damommy:

I wonder on how many animals' backs did we humans have to jump until we found that horses are OK with it.

damommy:

We never really grow up.... we only learn how to act in public.

My computer went down today, and I had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

damommy:

I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this years. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

damommy:
THE ANIMAL CRACKERS CLUB is open to all and any of God's creatures. It seems we have more response from cat and dog lovers, but there must be some of you who have another kind of pets ? birds, fish, reptiles, etc. Please feel free to write about them in our club.

ASK P&P ADVICE COLUMN is not just for dogs or cats, either. Questions from anyone are very welcome and appreciated. It's all done in fun!

damommy:

Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday, and believe me, that's a lot of coloring.

damommy:

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.

--John Steinbeck

damommy:

Newspaper ad:
We are asking rioters to work from home
and destroy their own property.

damommy:

I just to a self-defense course. I wouldn't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

damommy:

I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers, but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

damommy:
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

damommy:

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

damommy:

That moment when you talk to yourself and you start laughing like an idiot because you're just so hilarious!

damommy:

Why don't I have any tattoos? For the same reason you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

damommy:

I went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.

damommy:

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

damommy:

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.
- John Steinbeck

damommy:

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. - Cyril Connolly

damommy:

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

damommy:

I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine!

damommy:

I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who's going to do it.

damommy:

A lot of problems would have solved if those cowboy architects had built the town big enough for two.

damommy: Lyenochka and I are posting an advice column call "Ask P&P." We like questions from any of God's little creatures, not necessarily cats. You can PM either of us with your questions.

damommy:

I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.

damommy:

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. - Martin Luther

damommy:

I just realized that "Let me check my calendar" is the adult version of "Let me ask my mom."

damommy:
2020 - the year your trash bin goes out more than you.

damommy:
No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
-Terry Pratchett

damommy:

I'm so bored with all this isolation. I went outside and knocked on my own door, then came back in and said who is it?

damommy:

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. -Jean de la Fontaine

damommy:

Cats are smarter than dogs. You'd never get eight cats to pull a sled.

damommy:
On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, "Any suggestions for painting dogs?"

Another responded, "Wait till they're asleep."

damommy:
My mind is like my internet browser
19 tabs open
3 of the are frozen
and I have no idea where the music is coming from