Humor Poetry posted May 26, 2023

You'll die laughing

Wilson's Graveyard

by Jim Wile

While driving through the countryside,
I happened there to see
a sign for:

Wilson’s Graveyard
Come and have a laugh or three.
You’ll see amusing tombstones there
about a mile away,
so make a stop and stretch your legs,
but don’t forget to pay!”
I pulled into the lot and parked my car,
Then came upon these two, they weren't far:

    Bob Smith lies here ‘cause he is dead,
    through awful driving it is said.
    He passed somebody on a slope,
    but didn’t have a periscope.

    Here lies a dyslexic whose name was Mike Kim.
    Writing his name? Not a problem for him.
    His name read the same from the east or the west,
    and for a dyslexic that really was best.
I followed down the path for this was fun,
And chuckled when I came upon this one:
    Down here’s composer William Cupp,
    tearing all his music up.
    When asked why he was doing so,
    “I’m decomposing, don’t you know?”
Then I spied 3 stones along the path
And then one more that really made me laugh:

    Here lies old man Robert Mudge
    who died from eating too much fudge.

    Here lies old maid Nelly Bly
    who died from eating too much pie.

    Here lies nasty Phillip Kitt
    who died from eating too much…
              Welsh rarebit.

    (C’mon, what did you think it would say?)
    Here lies happy Bob Bellagra
    done in by too much Viagra.
    He didn’t know how much to take
    and swallowed 10, for goodness’ sake!
    It helped him last for 3 days long
    and kept his manhood hard and strong.
    In order to enclose him all,
    his coffin lid was extra tall.
I continued round a bend along the path
And saw two stones with frightful epitaphs:

    Here lies headless Cameron
    who perished with his camera on.
    He tried to snap a gator’s head.
    The gator snapped his off instead.

    This stone’s for Sally Hannibal,
    eaten by the cannibals.
    It sits above an empty grave.
    There really wasn’t much to save.

Just then I saw a warning to us all:
Be civil or the Reaper comes to call!

    Here lies Iris Korsikov,
    struck by someone she’d ticked off.
    For Iris worked at the DMV,
    with such a mean mentality.
    She tended to infuriate,
    but there are folks you don’t berate.
    “You missed a box. You must be blind.
    Now fill it, and get back in line!”
    said Iris, but it wasn’t wise.
    He split her skull now here she lies.
Then three stones down the path were very near,
marking several golfers buried there.

    Down here lies golfer Robert hutch,
    who bragged about his ace too much.
    A coffin for this son-of-a-gun.
    He now lies in his hole in one.

    An old golfer lies here, Brian Lofton,
    who’d neglected his wife once too often.
    The tool that brained Brian—
    his trusty 6-iron—
    now lies with him down in his coffin.

    Here lies golfer, Bill Gillette,
    dead for breach of etiquette.
    Killed by playing partner, Jimmy
    ‘cause he never gave a gimme.
Right then I saw a solitary one
that let me know the tour was nearly done.

    Old Wilson lies here, he’s the brains of this show,
    but now he’s just worm food six feet down below.
    And if you enjoyed a brief chuckle or two
    Then tell all your friends so they’ll visit here too.
I exited the graveyard then and passed a sign that said:
Thank y’all for stopping now,
and please support the dead.
Here’s a slot for money,
we suggest a buck or two,
but if you choose to stiff the stiffs,
they may come haunting you!”


I got the idea for this one from a contest recently held on FS. I was too late for that one, but I've been thinking about them ever since.
Pays 8 points and 62 member cents.

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