the Mad Laird Strikes Again
encountering a Ghost in the Moors of Scotland3 total reviews
Comment from Benshu-bookgai
I like the overall arc of your story--a man has to (in essence) face a ghost that haunts his ancestry and doesn't fare all too well because of it.
a few notes/recommendations, one small and one more systemic:
"here were rumors of a mad bagpiper who haunted the forest and one moonlit night he imagined hearing a bagpipe in the distance, but he never encountered the mad bagpiper."
'mad bagpiper' was used twice in the same sentence and comes a cross a bit repetitive.
There's an odd flip-flop of narrative tense throughout, from standard past-tense third person omniscient to present -tense third person omniscient:
"had wanted to... loved walking...wanted to do the trip in solitude...[tense shift] everyone has a good laugh...he looks it up...Sam goes back...[tense shift]...crossed the meadow [tense shift] settles in...[tense shift] Sam thought to himself...[tense shift]on the horseback stops...[tense shift] got off the horse...[tense shift] old man is not very communicative...[tense shift] there was a smoldering fire...[tense shift] local whisky is left..." I think either style would work, but the constant shifting makes it difficult to focus.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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I like the overall arc of your story--a man has to (in essence) face a ghost that haunts his ancestry and doesn't fare all too well because of it.
a few notes/recommendations, one small and one more systemic:
"here were rumors of a mad bagpiper who haunted the forest and one moonlit night he imagined hearing a bagpipe in the distance, but he never encountered the mad bagpiper."
'mad bagpiper' was used twice in the same sentence and comes a cross a bit repetitive.
There's an odd flip-flop of narrative tense throughout, from standard past-tense third person omniscient to present -tense third person omniscient:
"had wanted to... loved walking...wanted to do the trip in solitude...[tense shift] everyone has a good laugh...he looks it up...Sam goes back...[tense shift]...crossed the meadow [tense shift] settles in...[tense shift] Sam thought to himself...[tense shift]on the horseback stops...[tense shift] got off the horse...[tense shift] old man is not very communicative...[tense shift] there was a smoldering fire...[tense shift] local whisky is left..." I think either style would work, but the constant shifting makes it difficult to focus.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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thanks for the positive feedback, I will consider re-writing it
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Quite choking your story. When you don't believe in ghosts, they made sure to find you and...eat you alive. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2020
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Quite choking your story. When you don't believe in ghosts, they made sure to find you and...eat you alive. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2020
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glad you liked it
Comment from Earl Corp
I can imagine this story being told around a campfire. I wish I still had a six star rating left to give you. You really captured the spirit of Halloween. Thank you for sharing. Good luck in the contest. Stay safe and stay healthy.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2020
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I can imagine this story being told around a campfire. I wish I still had a six star rating left to give you. You really captured the spirit of Halloween. Thank you for sharing. Good luck in the contest. Stay safe and stay healthy.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2020
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glad you liked this story
