One Sunny Night
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "One Sunny Night"Romance of visitor to Alaska
5 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
I am so intrigued by this story! It is a fascinating tale with all sorts of suspense being created in this first chapter. That strikes me as a great idea. As I read, I was impressed by your tendency to arrange words so untraditionally, which is evidence of your highly creative mind and of course, creativity and uniqueness are to be valued. However, if I may inject some personal opinion here, I think when you are telling a story, you want to try and avoid anything that will distract your readers from your story. That would include unique language or turns of phrase which might make the reader pull his/her mind out of the story to contemplate, or re-read what was just read. It interrupts the flow and distracts from your primary goal, to have readers lost in your story.
I realize you may disagree. No problem. I have much respect for your story telling abilities and that's why I buy all your books and even give them as gifts. BTW, you write conversations excellently! So natural sounding and believable.
Below I have copied the whole first chapter in order to better illustrate my point, as well as to make a few minor editing corrections. I hope this is helpful. If not, please tell me. I love to see your stories here!!
CHAPTER 1
After six weeks away from home, Danielle LeRoy felt proud of herself. She had just completed an assignment of her dreams. She had worked at Kansas Environmental Projects Company for three years following her graduation from college in Kansas City.
Wearing high heels, Danielle hurriedly climbed (the) stairs on a hillside at the University of Alaska. A summer breeze blew her blondish (blonde) hair and whisked over her colorful short skirt. At the top of the long set of stairs she stopped, clinging onto (to several) folders stuffed with paper. (papers) She took a breath and looked out in (over) the scenery. A scarcely filled parking lot laid (lay) below. Grounds were speckled with pink wild rosebuds, and beyond (the) green, (rolling hills,) lay the city of Fairbanks.
As she approached tall buildings her heels clacked on concrete sidewalks. (She approached some tall buildings, her heels clacking on the concrete sidewalks.) She jittered at her (the) noise and was glad very few summer students were in sight. At a building's big double doors, she tugged on one. (She tugged on one of the big double doors in front of her) It did not open. Forcefully tugging again caused (the) folders under her arms (arm) to tumble down. (As she tugged more forcefully, the folders under her arm fell to the ground.)
"Having trouble?" A deep, masculine voice fluttered over her.
Gasping, Danielle whirled around and stared into blue-grey eyes in a handsome, sun-soaked face. The corners of his mouth turned up in a slight smile. He leaned pass (past) her and pressed open the other side door.
"Oh, I guess this side was latched." Being annoyed at herself, she turned away, bent down and quickly picked up the folders. "Thanks for your help."
"On your way to a class?" He holds (held) the door open for her to enter.
"No, I'm not taking classes. I'm here to see Dr. Burns."
"A coincidence. He is a good friend. Thought I would greet him before going on to another meeting. All that paperwork you're carrying is for him?"
"In a way it is. My company in Kansas City sent me up here to have Dr. Burns help me complete a study." She lifted her head, feeling proud again. They began walking done (down) the hall.
"Mind if I ask what kind of work?"
"An environmental impact statement on..."
"Don't tell me you're one of those preservationists who thinks Alaska should be locked up and become one big national park." Fire came into his eyes.
"Not exactly, but I certainly do believe in trying to save such things as whales from extinction." Danielle firmly drew in a breath.
"How's that? Force Eskimos to eat only what the government might provide?" His lowered voice seemed intent to humor her. A (His) gaze lingered over her slim body.
"One day I plan to study all about whales and native cultures. But my current study is on off-shore oil drilling in the Arctic Ocean."
Danielle waved into an office window where an older man stood up from his desk and came to the door saying, "Miss LeRoy and Stewart. I see you are friends."
"Not quite, Dr. Burns."
"Not formally, John." He shook hands with Dr. Burn (Burns) then turned to Danielle. Dancing grey eyes made his interest in her no secret. "I'm Stewart Bryant."
"This lady is Danielle LeRoy."
Stewart grabbed her hand, shaking it warmly for an extending (extended) length of time.
"I had expected her to arrive today with Wilbur Hoke and Allen Jacobs." Dr. Burns said from behind his desk.
"They both flew on board my Cessna a couple days ago from the Susitna area."
"I had a message from them before they flew back to Kansas City," Danielle said as she set her folders on Burns' desk and sat in a nearby chair. "What worries me is that they were not in the Susitna area long enough to answer some of the questions on the dam project."
Stewart sat down next to her. "I was planning to take my Cessna out near Susitna this weekend. Miss LeRoy, want to fly that area with me?"
"Great idea, Stewart. She could get a good idea there and great pictures. She also has talent with photography." (She's also a talented photographer.")
"I'd love to see the area." Danielle picked up one of her folders in an attempt to cover her excitement.
Stewart handed her a card. "Come by my place anytime tomorrow or give me a call."
"I will, Mr. Bryant." She turned to Dr. Burn. (Burns) "Curtiss Hicks should be with us soon. (")
Stewart looked at his wristwatch and stood up. "It's time I get to another meeting. John, I wanted to remind you and Laura of the dinner party at my place next week."
"Parties at the ranch are special, Stewart. We'll be there."
"I'll see you tomorrow, Danielle LeRoy." He left wearing a smile that mysteriously gave a quiver down her back to her toes.
She gave him a stiff nod feeling a flushing pink face. (feeling her face flush pink) Thinking there was no reason for that, she quickly reached for a folder and shrugged off having met a handsome stranger. Nothing mattered more in her life then this project. Plus, she promised to make a decision about her relationship with another handsome man, Kevin Harbeson... her boyfriend. (Leave out "he is")
All thoughts faded when Dr. Burns began looking at her paperwork. He was making flattering comments when Curtiss Hicks entered the office.
"Make any dramatic discoveries?" Curtiss had an eastern, (leave out "an eastern" ) a definitely New York, accent. During her short stay, he had helped with research and became (become) a good friend. Socially in Fairbanks, he took her under his wing to meet others and see a few sights.
"Nothing new, Curtiss, but there are real concerns. Technology simply does not exist for cleaning up an oil spill in water like that. That water churns with huge hunks of ice and at such a velocity...." Danielle threw up her arms despairingly and got up to pace the room.
"You got that right." Fingers on a slightly bearded chin made Curtiss look thoughtful. (I would simply say "Curtiss stroked his beard thoughtfully") He was of medium height and build, mid-twenties like herself. He wore glasses and had reddish-brown frizzy hair and beard the same color.
"Besides, in the case of a well blowout, the most expert workforce available would be required. Realistically, I can't imagine that kind of talent sitting around there waiting for the worst to happen."
"Young Lady, you have a feel for this off-shore oil exploration problem." Seriousness covered Dr. Burns' face. "You have made an astute observation."
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
  |
I am so intrigued by this story! It is a fascinating tale with all sorts of suspense being created in this first chapter. That strikes me as a great idea. As I read, I was impressed by your tendency to arrange words so untraditionally, which is evidence of your highly creative mind and of course, creativity and uniqueness are to be valued. However, if I may inject some personal opinion here, I think when you are telling a story, you want to try and avoid anything that will distract your readers from your story. That would include unique language or turns of phrase which might make the reader pull his/her mind out of the story to contemplate, or re-read what was just read. It interrupts the flow and distracts from your primary goal, to have readers lost in your story.
I realize you may disagree. No problem. I have much respect for your story telling abilities and that's why I buy all your books and even give them as gifts. BTW, you write conversations excellently! So natural sounding and believable.
Below I have copied the whole first chapter in order to better illustrate my point, as well as to make a few minor editing corrections. I hope this is helpful. If not, please tell me. I love to see your stories here!!
CHAPTER 1
After six weeks away from home, Danielle LeRoy felt proud of herself. She had just completed an assignment of her dreams. She had worked at Kansas Environmental Projects Company for three years following her graduation from college in Kansas City.
Wearing high heels, Danielle hurriedly climbed (the) stairs on a hillside at the University of Alaska. A summer breeze blew her blondish (blonde) hair and whisked over her colorful short skirt. At the top of the long set of stairs she stopped, clinging onto (to several) folders stuffed with paper. (papers) She took a breath and looked out in (over) the scenery. A scarcely filled parking lot laid (lay) below. Grounds were speckled with pink wild rosebuds, and beyond (the) green, (rolling hills,) lay the city of Fairbanks.
As she approached tall buildings her heels clacked on concrete sidewalks. (She approached some tall buildings, her heels clacking on the concrete sidewalks.) She jittered at her (the) noise and was glad very few summer students were in sight. At a building's big double doors, she tugged on one. (She tugged on one of the big double doors in front of her) It did not open. Forcefully tugging again caused (the) folders under her arms (arm) to tumble down. (As she tugged more forcefully, the folders under her arm fell to the ground.)
"Having trouble?" A deep, masculine voice fluttered over her.
Gasping, Danielle whirled around and stared into blue-grey eyes in a handsome, sun-soaked face. The corners of his mouth turned up in a slight smile. He leaned pass (past) her and pressed open the other side door.
"Oh, I guess this side was latched." Being annoyed at herself, she turned away, bent down and quickly picked up the folders. "Thanks for your help."
"On your way to a class?" He holds (held) the door open for her to enter.
"No, I'm not taking classes. I'm here to see Dr. Burns."
"A coincidence. He is a good friend. Thought I would greet him before going on to another meeting. All that paperwork you're carrying is for him?"
"In a way it is. My company in Kansas City sent me up here to have Dr. Burns help me complete a study." She lifted her head, feeling proud again. They began walking done (down) the hall.
"Mind if I ask what kind of work?"
"An environmental impact statement on..."
"Don't tell me you're one of those preservationists who thinks Alaska should be locked up and become one big national park." Fire came into his eyes.
"Not exactly, but I certainly do believe in trying to save such things as whales from extinction." Danielle firmly drew in a breath.
"How's that? Force Eskimos to eat only what the government might provide?" His lowered voice seemed intent to humor her. A (His) gaze lingered over her slim body.
"One day I plan to study all about whales and native cultures. But my current study is on off-shore oil drilling in the Arctic Ocean."
Danielle waved into an office window where an older man stood up from his desk and came to the door saying, "Miss LeRoy and Stewart. I see you are friends."
"Not quite, Dr. Burns."
"Not formally, John." He shook hands with Dr. Burn (Burns) then turned to Danielle. Dancing grey eyes made his interest in her no secret. "I'm Stewart Bryant."
"This lady is Danielle LeRoy."
Stewart grabbed her hand, shaking it warmly for an extending (extended) length of time.
"I had expected her to arrive today with Wilbur Hoke and Allen Jacobs." Dr. Burns said from behind his desk.
"They both flew on board my Cessna a couple days ago from the Susitna area."
"I had a message from them before they flew back to Kansas City," Danielle said as she set her folders on Burns' desk and sat in a nearby chair. "What worries me is that they were not in the Susitna area long enough to answer some of the questions on the dam project."
Stewart sat down next to her. "I was planning to take my Cessna out near Susitna this weekend. Miss LeRoy, want to fly that area with me?"
"Great idea, Stewart. She could get a good idea there and great pictures. She also has talent with photography." (She's also a talented photographer.")
"I'd love to see the area." Danielle picked up one of her folders in an attempt to cover her excitement.
Stewart handed her a card. "Come by my place anytime tomorrow or give me a call."
"I will, Mr. Bryant." She turned to Dr. Burn. (Burns) "Curtiss Hicks should be with us soon. (")
Stewart looked at his wristwatch and stood up. "It's time I get to another meeting. John, I wanted to remind you and Laura of the dinner party at my place next week."
"Parties at the ranch are special, Stewart. We'll be there."
"I'll see you tomorrow, Danielle LeRoy." He left wearing a smile that mysteriously gave a quiver down her back to her toes.
She gave him a stiff nod feeling a flushing pink face. (feeling her face flush pink) Thinking there was no reason for that, she quickly reached for a folder and shrugged off having met a handsome stranger. Nothing mattered more in her life then this project. Plus, she promised to make a decision about her relationship with another handsome man, Kevin Harbeson... her boyfriend. (Leave out "he is")
All thoughts faded when Dr. Burns began looking at her paperwork. He was making flattering comments when Curtiss Hicks entered the office.
"Make any dramatic discoveries?" Curtiss had an eastern, (leave out "an eastern" ) a definitely New York, accent. During her short stay, he had helped with research and became (become) a good friend. Socially in Fairbanks, he took her under his wing to meet others and see a few sights.
"Nothing new, Curtiss, but there are real concerns. Technology simply does not exist for cleaning up an oil spill in water like that. That water churns with huge hunks of ice and at such a velocity...." Danielle threw up her arms despairingly and got up to pace the room.
"You got that right." Fingers on a slightly bearded chin made Curtiss look thoughtful. (I would simply say "Curtiss stroked his beard thoughtfully") He was of medium height and build, mid-twenties like herself. He wore glasses and had reddish-brown frizzy hair and beard the same color.
"Besides, in the case of a well blowout, the most expert workforce available would be required. Realistically, I can't imagine that kind of talent sitting around there waiting for the worst to happen."
"Young Lady, you have a feel for this off-shore oil exploration problem." Seriousness covered Dr. Burns' face. "You have made an astute observation."
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
-
Oh, my goodness, MissM. My expectations for critiques from you are huge, but not this much. I can't think you enough! In the many times I worked on this first chapter, I came up with as numerous changes and corrections as you did, but never was satisfied! You have inspired me to dig it all out again and begin work on completing. The positively awful 225 pages written in the 1980s has sexy scenes and foolish judgement all the way to the end. That gave me a full stop for a couple of months now. YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT now makes me think I might get back with it and work it out in sort of a Hallmark finish - no kisses until the last page. Think that's possible, MissM?
-
Funny you should mention Hallmark... I have watched quite a few since the pandemic and that thought occurred to me as well as I read your story. They have a rigid formula and you could easily make this fit, I think. You could submit it to the Hallmark channel. They are always looking for new material. I'm glad you feel inspired. It will be great!
-
Funny you should mention Hallmark... I have watched quite a few since the pandemic and that thought occurred to me as well as I read your story. They have a rigid formula and you could easily make this fit, I think. You could submit it to the Hallmark channel. They are always looking for new material. I'm glad you feel inspired. It will be great!
-
Again, Thanks for editing this one. You have a wonderful way of making points clear. I worked on Ch 1 today! It's chapter 4 that is stumbling. Love you.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This story has all the parts suggesting a great book full of intrigue and mystery. I enjoyed reading this first chapter, and I am waiting eagerly for the next post!
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
|
This story has all the parts suggesting a great book full of intrigue and mystery. I enjoyed reading this first chapter, and I am waiting eagerly for the next post!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
-
Thanks for finding this chapter a little encouraging to read the next. I very much appreciate the high rating.
-
You're very welcome!
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Alaska, Ian glad you are still working on your story, but seriously need to have some one else edit your work before you post it.
You have so many typos that I can't begin to count them, and in places, words that make no sense.
The major problem, is that I become annoyed, and I am pretty easygoing, others will just stop reading altogether.
And you certainly can not submit a manuscript to a publisher in this condition.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
 |
Dear Alaska, Ian glad you are still working on your story, but seriously need to have some one else edit your work before you post it.
You have so many typos that I can't begin to count them, and in places, words that make no sense.
The major problem, is that I become annoyed, and I am pretty easygoing, others will just stop reading altogether.
And you certainly can not submit a manuscript to a publisher in this condition.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
-
Nice of you to encourage me to rewrite. That's not too surprising.
Comment from Lynette Martin
Wow, I think I may need to know more about Danielle and the changes made in her life. Best of luck to you in the contest. Keep on writing and I will read more from you in the future I hope.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
|
Wow, I think I may need to know more about Danielle and the changes made in her life. Best of luck to you in the contest. Keep on writing and I will read more from you in the future I hope.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
-
Wow, I sure need your encouragement. Thanks for taking time to read this.
Comment from lyenochka
Loved your title right away - I see we are close to the arctic! So glad you are posting again, Marie!
I sense there could be a romantic triangle between Danielle and Stewart and Kevin. But I hope that doesn't distract Danielle from her real purpose in Alaska.
Comments:
underarm folders to tumble down. (Just a personal thing: I would re-word "underarm folders" to something like "folders held under her arm" just because "underarm" as an adjective sounds funny - cause it's used more often with deodorant. Your choice, of course.)
She lifter her head, (lifted)
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
|
Loved your title right away - I see we are close to the arctic! So glad you are posting again, Marie!
I sense there could be a romantic triangle between Danielle and Stewart and Kevin. But I hope that doesn't distract Danielle from her real purpose in Alaska.
Comments:
underarm folders to tumble down. (Just a personal thing: I would re-word "underarm folders" to something like "folders held under her arm" just because "underarm" as an adjective sounds funny - cause it's used more often with deodorant. Your choice, of course.)
She lifter her head, (lifted)
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
-
Thanks so much for the high rating and mostly for catching odd wording. I'll fix it. You are a great help, Helen.
-
You're so welcome, Marie! I was so happy to see you posting again! 💖
