Another Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Baby No More"American Isekai
8 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
It 9s clear why Rosetta wanted to keep Paul young as long as she could. That was her one and only baby. The reader's curiosity keeps growing: "Their tactics were almost military-like." The last paragraph is a leading one.
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It 9s clear why Rosetta wanted to keep Paul young as long as she could. That was her one and only baby. The reader's curiosity keeps growing: "Their tactics were almost military-like." The last paragraph is a leading one.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2021
Comment from judiverse
Rosetta and Dominic have done an excellent job of keeping their unusual son out of the scrutiny of the townspeople. They do seem extremely backward, and Derrick has to be careful. I like the intriguing idea that some of Derrick (Paul's comrades might have been reincarnated also. That idea seems to prey on his mind a lot, and when he sees the two boys checking him and his mother out, that makes him curious. I'll be curious to see how that develops. Excellent work with the characters. judi
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Rosetta and Dominic have done an excellent job of keeping their unusual son out of the scrutiny of the townspeople. They do seem extremely backward, and Derrick has to be careful. I like the intriguing idea that some of Derrick (Paul's comrades might have been reincarnated also. That idea seems to prey on his mind a lot, and when he sees the two boys checking him and his mother out, that makes him curious. I'll be curious to see how that develops. Excellent work with the characters. judi
Comment Written 12-Sep-2020
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You have me wondering what Paul is going to do. I am sure it will be in his mother's favor and he will make sure she's not hurt. I really enjoy reading this story.
You could have as many daughters as you liked, but the instant you had a son, your family was complete. (oh my!!)
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You have me wondering what Paul is going to do. I am sure it will be in his mother's favor and he will make sure she's not hurt. I really enjoy reading this story.
You could have as many daughters as you liked, but the instant you had a son, your family was complete. (oh my!!)
Comment Written 12-Sep-2020
Comment from Mastery
Hi Lance. A good informative chapter here, my friend, however, were you aware that most of this is "telling" and very little "showing." (see below) on this suggestion, Lance.
You have employed great imagery, here and there though:
Like: ".... a tallish blond youth and his companion, a shorter dark-haired boy with just the hint of manly whiskers over his lip."
And: Remember what I suggested about opening and closing a chapter with a strong "Hook?"
Do it every time, my friend. It is vital because it draws the reader in immediately and makes them want to continue reading.(I don't believe you have done that here, So, try this, were I you.) Lead with the sentence below, then build the rest around that:
"The Kingdom of Valeria had a strict one family, one son rule for commoners."
Also, That first paragraph needs to be cut into three paragraphs. You always want to grab the reader right off the bat without belaboring any particular thing at first. I see two other places where new paragraph would help with the "flow" of the chapter.
"Telling" All of this section is "telling" my friend:
"Outsiders were always a constant problem. The rules were, he could be himself inside the house when they didn't have company. If someone came over, he had to pretend to be a normal child. Paul understood his parents' caution. Valeria had a strict class system, and school for poor commoners was unheard of. So, having a child as smart as Paul would draw all kinds of unwanted attention. For Paul, this made obtaining information about magic or reincarnation slow and painful for him. Plus, he was bored senseless. He spent most of his days going to town and asking odd questions of Earth or the army to kids around his age or people exiting caravans. In his reasoning, it seemed plausible that he may not have been the only person of his team reincarnated. If his friends died on that ridge with him, perhaps they too came to Valeria. If that was plausible, then it was possible, they had found some clues to getting back home. This search became his only goal and a bit of an obsession."
Much of the telling would be helped with some dialogue here and there, Lance.
I sensed that you were rushed writing this chapter, my friend. With "showing" you could have still had a stronger chapter and done it less time, I believe. Keep at it, my friend. :) Bob
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2020
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Hi Lance. A good informative chapter here, my friend, however, were you aware that most of this is "telling" and very little "showing." (see below) on this suggestion, Lance.
You have employed great imagery, here and there though:
Like: ".... a tallish blond youth and his companion, a shorter dark-haired boy with just the hint of manly whiskers over his lip."
And: Remember what I suggested about opening and closing a chapter with a strong "Hook?"
Do it every time, my friend. It is vital because it draws the reader in immediately and makes them want to continue reading.(I don't believe you have done that here, So, try this, were I you.) Lead with the sentence below, then build the rest around that:
"The Kingdom of Valeria had a strict one family, one son rule for commoners."
Also, That first paragraph needs to be cut into three paragraphs. You always want to grab the reader right off the bat without belaboring any particular thing at first. I see two other places where new paragraph would help with the "flow" of the chapter.
"Telling" All of this section is "telling" my friend:
"Outsiders were always a constant problem. The rules were, he could be himself inside the house when they didn't have company. If someone came over, he had to pretend to be a normal child. Paul understood his parents' caution. Valeria had a strict class system, and school for poor commoners was unheard of. So, having a child as smart as Paul would draw all kinds of unwanted attention. For Paul, this made obtaining information about magic or reincarnation slow and painful for him. Plus, he was bored senseless. He spent most of his days going to town and asking odd questions of Earth or the army to kids around his age or people exiting caravans. In his reasoning, it seemed plausible that he may not have been the only person of his team reincarnated. If his friends died on that ridge with him, perhaps they too came to Valeria. If that was plausible, then it was possible, they had found some clues to getting back home. This search became his only goal and a bit of an obsession."
Much of the telling would be helped with some dialogue here and there, Lance.
I sensed that you were rushed writing this chapter, my friend. With "showing" you could have still had a stronger chapter and done it less time, I believe. Keep at it, my friend. :) Bob
Comment Written 10-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2020
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Thank you very much. One thing that is always on my mind, is should I post a chapter in its entirety, which would be close to 4000 words. I wonder if people would read it, so I break them up. This is actually the beginning of Chapter 3, there is another 2k words or so to this chapter where most of the dialogue is.
What do you think? Should I just post a chapter whole, it would make reading it in context make more sense.
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Did you get my reply, Lance? Let me know please. Bob
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
(typo: there is no reason IS assume s/b TO) A unique and intriguing theme--skillfully written--descriptions, characters, dialog, suspense. I look forward to the next! Cheers. LIZ
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(typo: there is no reason IS assume s/b TO) A unique and intriguing theme--skillfully written--descriptions, characters, dialog, suspense. I look forward to the next! Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 09-Sep-2020
Comment from royowen
An excellent story. You know your writing craft my friend, and have harnessed ideas from a world religion, and woven a decent tale around it. I would have found this, back in my sci fi reading days, most like, in essence, as a very good read, I love the characters in this, and the possibilities of knowledge in one life, leading and useful in another, well done, blessings,,Roy
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An excellent story. You know your writing craft my friend, and have harnessed ideas from a world religion, and woven a decent tale around it. I would have found this, back in my sci fi reading days, most like, in essence, as a very good read, I love the characters in this, and the possibilities of knowledge in one life, leading and useful in another, well done, blessings,,Roy
Comment Written 09-Sep-2020
Comment from robyn corum
Lance,
I was just trying to imagine how I would feel if my nursing baby started ASKING to feed. hahaha
Interesting storyline. I enjoyed, though I noticed a few typos - notes follow:
1.) In the (f)ifteen years since being born into the Kingdom of Valeria, life hadn't been that bad
2,) In many ways, his 2nd childhood was better than his first.
--> 'second' -- spell out
3.) He did bath(e) in a pot for some time, though, as it was a good fit.
4.) asking odd questions of Earth or the army (of) kids around his age or people exiting
--> is 'Earth' a person?
5.) touched her beautiful face, and a(s) far as he could remember,
6.) Rosetta noticed the theft, the 1st teen would round a blind corner.
--> 'first' - spell out
7.) "Um... (M)om, I have an errand to run," he told Rosetta while eyeing her approaching assailant.
--> direct reference
8.) With that, she watched Paul (disappear) into the crowd with a strange
Nicely done. It was well written and definitely an intriguing story! TY!
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
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Lance,
I was just trying to imagine how I would feel if my nursing baby started ASKING to feed. hahaha
Interesting storyline. I enjoyed, though I noticed a few typos - notes follow:
1.) In the (f)ifteen years since being born into the Kingdom of Valeria, life hadn't been that bad
2,) In many ways, his 2nd childhood was better than his first.
--> 'second' -- spell out
3.) He did bath(e) in a pot for some time, though, as it was a good fit.
4.) asking odd questions of Earth or the army (of) kids around his age or people exiting
--> is 'Earth' a person?
5.) touched her beautiful face, and a(s) far as he could remember,
6.) Rosetta noticed the theft, the 1st teen would round a blind corner.
--> 'first' - spell out
7.) "Um... (M)om, I have an errand to run," he told Rosetta while eyeing her approaching assailant.
--> direct reference
8.) With that, she watched Paul (disappear) into the crowd with a strange
Nicely done. It was well written and definitely an intriguing story! TY!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
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Thank you very much. I really appreciate your careful reading and keeping up with the story.
Comment from TommyWrites
This is a really interesting read!
Right from the title, you caught me. When I read it, I wasn't certain what it would be about. I wasn't disappointed!
The whole concept of being reborn is...a little strange to think about, mind you. But you made it work nicely. Your character, Paul, is easy to follow along with, and it's interesting to see how he acts. Your story line flows very nicely, and you have now left me wondering what will happen next. :)
This is a great piece, thank you for sharing,
TommyWrites~
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This is a really interesting read!
Right from the title, you caught me. When I read it, I wasn't certain what it would be about. I wasn't disappointed!
The whole concept of being reborn is...a little strange to think about, mind you. But you made it work nicely. Your character, Paul, is easy to follow along with, and it's interesting to see how he acts. Your story line flows very nicely, and you have now left me wondering what will happen next. :)
This is a great piece, thank you for sharing,
TommyWrites~
Comment Written 09-Sep-2020
