O My God and Mother Nature!
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Oh Vale!"Appreciation of God and Mother Nature
138 total reviews
Comment from K Ames
May not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I think I missed something in this one. The final line didn't seem to come together for me, but the rest of it seemed to work. Could just be me. Keep writing.
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May not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I think I missed something in this one. The final line didn't seem to come together for me, but the rest of it seemed to work. Could just be me. Keep writing.
Comment Written 31-May-2006
Comment from Adora Bayles
Where I come from, people simply suggested, "Let's go to the bushes!"
I like your words better. Supper awaits. More later.
Adora
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Where I come from, people simply suggested, "Let's go to the bushes!"
I like your words better. Supper awaits. More later.
Adora
Comment Written 31-May-2006
Comment from Elizabeth Anne
Short but nice. I like the fact that you included information in the Authors notes.
Sounds like a nice place with nice people. :o)
Good Haiku.
:o) Liz
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Short but nice. I like the fact that you included information in the Authors notes.
Sounds like a nice place with nice people. :o)
Good Haiku.
:o) Liz
Comment Written 31-May-2006
Comment from orozco123
This is my favorite so far. I liked your notes section on this piece. Your beautiful words always make me feel at ease and I forget about my problems for at least a short time. Thank you so much for giving me something positive to read.
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This is my favorite so far. I liked your notes section on this piece. Your beautiful words always make me feel at ease and I forget about my problems for at least a short time. Thank you so much for giving me something positive to read.
Comment Written 31-May-2006
Comment from RazberryBullet
Nice imagery and different use of vocabulary. I found some spots to be a little murky because of word order.
suggestions:
O Vale[,] Cupid see[s-omit ! ]
[Highland huts bloom loving homes!-How highland huts grow love homes!
[Heart music flows, sings!-Hearts flow notes, they sing! ]
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Nice imagery and different use of vocabulary. I found some spots to be a little murky because of word order.
suggestions:
O Vale[,] Cupid see[s-omit ! ]
[Highland huts bloom loving homes!-How highland huts grow love homes!
[Heart music flows, sings!-Hearts flow notes, they sing! ]
Comment Written 31-May-2006
Comment from MikeSamford
HAIKU (HIGH-koo)
A Japanese form of poetry consisting of three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables. The elusive flavor of the form, however, lies more in its touch and tone than in its syllabic structure. Deeply imbedded in Japanese culture and strongly influenced by Zen Buddhism, haiku are very brief descriptions of nature that convey some implicit insight or essence of a moment. Traditionally, they contain either a direct or oblique reference to a season:
SENRYU (SEN-ree-yoo)
A 3-line unrhymed Japanese poetic form structurally similar to the haiku, but dealing with human rather than physical nature, usually in an ironic or satiric vein.
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HAIKU (HIGH-koo)
A Japanese form of poetry consisting of three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables. The elusive flavor of the form, however, lies more in its touch and tone than in its syllabic structure. Deeply imbedded in Japanese culture and strongly influenced by Zen Buddhism, haiku are very brief descriptions of nature that convey some implicit insight or essence of a moment. Traditionally, they contain either a direct or oblique reference to a season:
SENRYU (SEN-ree-yoo)
A 3-line unrhymed Japanese poetic form structurally similar to the haiku, but dealing with human rather than physical nature, usually in an ironic or satiric vein.
Comment Written 31-May-2006
Comment from bvet61
Nice. Good thoughts. I liked it, but I have to say that it felt perhaps a tad bit strained. Didn't flow quite like a Haiku should. I know that sounds obscure, and probably not very helpful, but its the only way I can describe it. Nothing concrete, just the feel that a word or two changed judiciously might amp this to a much higher level. I hope this helps you in some small way.
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Nice. Good thoughts. I liked it, but I have to say that it felt perhaps a tad bit strained. Didn't flow quite like a Haiku should. I know that sounds obscure, and probably not very helpful, but its the only way I can describe it. Nothing concrete, just the feel that a word or two changed judiciously might amp this to a much higher level. I hope this helps you in some small way.
Comment Written 31-May-2006
Comment from Georgina Lenty
You're on a roll! Very nicely done, making your point in such a sweet fashion, and proving you don't have to lay it on thick with lines upon lines to do it, either! Wonderful job!
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You're on a roll! Very nicely done, making your point in such a sweet fashion, and proving you don't have to lay it on thick with lines upon lines to do it, either! Wonderful job!
Comment Written 31-May-2006
Comment from PennyML
I thought I would read another of your poems and see if maybe it was just the other one that I couldn't figure out. This one is a little better. Again, you have done the form correctly with 5-7-5 for syllables. But in this one, you need punctuation in the first line to make it clear that (at least I think this is what you mean) you are addressing the vale. Then you have switched around the sentence structure so that it doesn't read right (and I know there is poetic license, but that doesn't extend this far IMHO). In the second line, "love homes" is odd construction. Do you mean homes where there is love? The last line is OK, except that it says the same thing twice. It seems like in such a short poem, you would want to make very word count.
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I thought I would read another of your poems and see if maybe it was just the other one that I couldn't figure out. This one is a little better. Again, you have done the form correctly with 5-7-5 for syllables. But in this one, you need punctuation in the first line to make it clear that (at least I think this is what you mean) you are addressing the vale. Then you have switched around the sentence structure so that it doesn't read right (and I know there is poetic license, but that doesn't extend this far IMHO). In the second line, "love homes" is odd construction. Do you mean homes where there is love? The last line is OK, except that it says the same thing twice. It seems like in such a short poem, you would want to make very word count.
Comment Written 17-May-2006
Comment from National Scholar
Vale Cupid you see!
How upland huts grow love homes
Hearts flow notes, they sing
Nice personification. Categorical address. Metaphorical effect. Vale (the Cupid, God of Love) is spreading love message. People there changed. Love huts are now love homes. Magnificent manifestation. Brief but bold. Superb Haiku.
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Vale Cupid you see!
How upland huts grow love homes
Hearts flow notes, they sing
Nice personification. Categorical address. Metaphorical effect. Vale (the Cupid, God of Love) is spreading love message. People there changed. Love huts are now love homes. Magnificent manifestation. Brief but bold. Superb Haiku.
Comment Written 16-May-2006
