Another Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Rosetta and Dominic"American Isekai
9 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
BeforeI go on, just know you do not need to respond to my reviews. Also this does not mean if you read my story Traffic or Be Wee With Bea 1 or 2...you do not have to do a review. I was a teacher so love to write reviews.
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You do a great job with description for your settings. I like the image of whether he would turn left or right. That draws the reader in. The last paragraph is tender. Nicely done.
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BeforeI go on, just know you do not need to respond to my reviews. Also this does not mean if you read my story Traffic or Be Wee With Bea 1 or 2...you do not have to do a review. I was a teacher so love to write reviews.
******
You do a great job with description for your settings. I like the image of whether he would turn left or right. That draws the reader in. The last paragraph is tender. Nicely done.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2021
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
We have moved far away from reincarnation of a modern-day soldier with its specific attitiudes and vocabulary, and even from the previous chapter where we could imagine human trappings anf preoccupations. Instead we are firmly in the alternative world of fantasy, with totally changed preoccupations and description. It is becoming rapidly richer as a book.
SPAGs again, maybe:
She happy and finally healthy. > She was happy and finally healthy.
feint if you tried to run > faint if you tried to run
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We have moved far away from reincarnation of a modern-day soldier with its specific attitiudes and vocabulary, and even from the previous chapter where we could imagine human trappings anf preoccupations. Instead we are firmly in the alternative world of fantasy, with totally changed preoccupations and description. It is becoming rapidly richer as a book.
SPAGs again, maybe:
She happy and finally healthy. > She was happy and finally healthy.
feint if you tried to run > faint if you tried to run
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
Comment from Mastery
Hey Lance. Good chapter here, my friend. No shortge of action in this, for sure.
Suggestions: "The dark clouds hung low in the sky and appeared fat and pregnant with rain." (Just pregnant or fat will be fine...not both.)
A lot of "telling" in here, Lance. Like this for instance: " He held the South Gate against unimaginable odds until help arrived days later."
"Showing" would give a figure perhaps, like "Thousands of warriors armed with ?? would storm the Southgate if Dominic didn't.....etc"
Good job, my friend. :) Bob
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2020
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Hey Lance. Good chapter here, my friend. No shortge of action in this, for sure.
Suggestions: "The dark clouds hung low in the sky and appeared fat and pregnant with rain." (Just pregnant or fat will be fine...not both.)
A lot of "telling" in here, Lance. Like this for instance: " He held the South Gate against unimaginable odds until help arrived days later."
"Showing" would give a figure perhaps, like "Thousands of warriors armed with ?? would storm the Southgate if Dominic didn't.....etc"
Good job, my friend. :) Bob
Comment Written 26-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. Yes, you're right. I hate to break up chapters, it makes it seem different.
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:) Bob
Comment from Ayan3
That was an amazing story and I hope you can write more stories and I also could not stop reading it and I hope you get the recognition you need for this story.
Sincerely, Ayan
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2020
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That was an amazing story and I hope you can write more stories and I also could not stop reading it and I hope you get the recognition you need for this story.
Sincerely, Ayan
Comment Written 25-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from judiverse
I must have missed a chapter leading up to this, because I wasn't prepared for this flashback about Dominic and Rosetta and what their relationship was like before she became pregnant. Maybe you need to make an explanation about this being in the past. Interesting information about Dominic's job and promotion and how he got the Duke to see that Rosetta's health improved. Interesting chapter, but just a bit of help as to how we got there. judi
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2020
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I must have missed a chapter leading up to this, because I wasn't prepared for this flashback about Dominic and Rosetta and what their relationship was like before she became pregnant. Maybe you need to make an explanation about this being in the past. Interesting information about Dominic's job and promotion and how he got the Duke to see that Rosetta's health improved. Interesting chapter, but just a bit of help as to how we got there. judi
Comment Written 25-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. No, you didn't miss anything. In reality Chapter 3 was the end of Ch. 1. That ended with Rosetta thinking about how she would explain Paul to her husband. This is actually the beginning of Ch. 2 and is mostly about Rosetta and her POV.
It is hard to post an actual 4000 word chapter on Fanstory. I think you're right about letting people know it is a flashback, it is hard to tell without having an entire book and table of contents in front of you.
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You're very welcome, and thanks for the explanation. Some writers do include a brief summary at the beginning of each new chapter. judi
Comment from Ben B.
Whew I'm glad we're finally passed the breastfeeding (no offense). I liked that scene with the roads, choosing Dominic over her own home wasn't an easy choice.
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Whew I'm glad we're finally passed the breastfeeding (no offense). I liked that scene with the roads, choosing Dominic over her own home wasn't an easy choice.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2020
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
For a decisive and reasoned remark about the thematic percolation, I find it is truly likeable, fanned and fostered by organized but heavy plot development; I think neither the beginning nor the ending of the taletelling is catchy; well said, well done, thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
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For a decisive and reasoned remark about the thematic percolation, I find it is truly likeable, fanned and fostered by organized but heavy plot development; I think neither the beginning nor the ending of the taletelling is catchy; well said, well done, thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 25-Aug-2020
Comment from robyn corum
L,
Wow. Sooooo stinking impressed. You go! I think I've only read poetry by you before - and that was so wrong, my friend. You are a prose writer - no doubt about it. *smile* THIS is your genre. Do it.
Thanks for the trip!
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L,
Wow. Sooooo stinking impressed. You go! I think I've only read poetry by you before - and that was so wrong, my friend. You are a prose writer - no doubt about it. *smile* THIS is your genre. Do it.
Thanks for the trip!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2020
Comment from AlmostaJRK
You are a good writer. Your story flows well which makes it easy to read which gets your mind into the story. I will read some of your other works to see if this holds true for them as well.
JRK
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You are a good writer. Your story flows well which makes it easy to read which gets your mind into the story. I will read some of your other works to see if this holds true for them as well.
JRK
Comment Written 25-Aug-2020
