The Day I Was Perfect
Another Army Tale30 total reviews
Comment from Anita Manuel
Earl, I enjoyed your story immensely. As I was reading your narrative of that fateful day, I could feel the intensity of the challenge and sense the joy of mastery when failure was expected. When I arrived at the last sentence, all I could say was, "WOW!" We don't get a lot of "perfect" days, so when we can recognize them, we need to celebrate them!
In the beginning, the writing was a little choppy. The content was good, but punctuation was a little challenging throughout. I want to suggest Grammarly (a very useful writing aid) so that you can take your writing style to another level. The content is well-organized and with proper punctuation, it would read a lot smoother.
Be aware of consistency when using acronyms in your writing. For example, you spelled out what EIB meant and then you put EIB in parenthesis. That way you could use EIB throughout the remainder of the story. But when you used PT (Physical Training), you did not treat it the same way within your text. Or, you could have defined both acronyms in your overview for the sake of balance. I and some of your readers may not be familiar with army lingo. Having to figure it out or go back to your summary stops the flow of your paragraph.
Also, what is hands-on testing? Does it consist of weapon mastery and the other tests you mention in that paragraph? Or, is it possible that you could have broken that paragraph into two separate paragraphs? Again, civilians are not privy to army lingo. We are like sheep, we need to be led into the pasture of understanding.
For an example of Grammarly, the last paragraph was a little choppy, so I used Grammarly and my little bit of editing experience:
"Less than 7 percent of the infantrymen who test for the EIB earn it. I knew guys who tested for it seven or eight times without success. To add perspective, that year, out of the 15,000 infantrymen of the 3rd Infantry Division, there were only 63 EIB recipients!"
Overall, I loved how you described that experience and the resulting glimpse of your day of perfection. I also appreciated the tidbit of insight into your personality--being underestimated pushes you to excel beyond the expectations of others! I believe that within you is an excellent narrator, and you have been unwittingly underestimating yourself.
In closing, carry on, Soldier. Go and master the narrative!
PS: I asked my son did he get that award and he said no because he was a combat mechanic. He did 10 years in the Army. Thanks for your service.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Earl, I enjoyed your story immensely. As I was reading your narrative of that fateful day, I could feel the intensity of the challenge and sense the joy of mastery when failure was expected. When I arrived at the last sentence, all I could say was, "WOW!" We don't get a lot of "perfect" days, so when we can recognize them, we need to celebrate them!
In the beginning, the writing was a little choppy. The content was good, but punctuation was a little challenging throughout. I want to suggest Grammarly (a very useful writing aid) so that you can take your writing style to another level. The content is well-organized and with proper punctuation, it would read a lot smoother.
Be aware of consistency when using acronyms in your writing. For example, you spelled out what EIB meant and then you put EIB in parenthesis. That way you could use EIB throughout the remainder of the story. But when you used PT (Physical Training), you did not treat it the same way within your text. Or, you could have defined both acronyms in your overview for the sake of balance. I and some of your readers may not be familiar with army lingo. Having to figure it out or go back to your summary stops the flow of your paragraph.
Also, what is hands-on testing? Does it consist of weapon mastery and the other tests you mention in that paragraph? Or, is it possible that you could have broken that paragraph into two separate paragraphs? Again, civilians are not privy to army lingo. We are like sheep, we need to be led into the pasture of understanding.
For an example of Grammarly, the last paragraph was a little choppy, so I used Grammarly and my little bit of editing experience:
"Less than 7 percent of the infantrymen who test for the EIB earn it. I knew guys who tested for it seven or eight times without success. To add perspective, that year, out of the 15,000 infantrymen of the 3rd Infantry Division, there were only 63 EIB recipients!"
Overall, I loved how you described that experience and the resulting glimpse of your day of perfection. I also appreciated the tidbit of insight into your personality--being underestimated pushes you to excel beyond the expectations of others! I believe that within you is an excellent narrator, and you have been unwittingly underestimating yourself.
In closing, carry on, Soldier. Go and master the narrative!
PS: I asked my son did he get that award and he said no because he was a combat mechanic. He did 10 years in the Army. Thanks for your service.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much for the editing tips. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I have several other biographical stories on my portfolio. I would recommend You Gotta Show Up if you want an insight into me. Thanks to your son for his service. Stay safe and stay healthy.
Comment from Veenbee
I enjoyed your story, I see all the hard work put into your training. It's an awesome feeling when you move above and beyond everyone's expectation. You just can't go off of other people's opinions. That one comment motivated you to try even harder. Many may have given up with those words.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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I enjoyed your story, I see all the hard work put into your training. It's an awesome feeling when you move above and beyond everyone's expectation. You just can't go off of other people's opinions. That one comment motivated you to try even harder. Many may have given up with those words.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from equestrik
The first thing I want to do is thank you for your service. I enjoyed this recounting of earning this prestigious award. What a sense of pride for you and your family. :)
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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The first thing I want to do is thank you for your service. I enjoyed this recounting of earning this prestigious award. What a sense of pride for you and your family. :)
Comment Written 22-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from gramalot8
I loved your story and I hope you do well in the contest.
My first husband was in Vietnam and he had many of these tests and drills to j hi o through before he shipped over there. And he did well and learned and earned a lot.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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I loved your story and I hope you do well in the contest.
My first husband was in Vietnam and he had many of these tests and drills to j hi o through before he shipped over there. And he did well and learned and earned a lot.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from BethShelby
This is a great true story. I was with your all the way, hoping your would make it. That is quite and accomplishment. I assume you were an Eagle Scout and that is an accomplishment as well so I'll be you've always been a motivated person.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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This is a great true story. I was with your all the way, hoping your would make it. That is quite and accomplishment. I assume you were an Eagle Scout and that is an accomplishment as well so I'll be you've always been a motivated person.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written insightful story about how to earn an EIB us not an easy task and when one gets it, it is something bto be proud of because not many achieve this in the first attempt and many give up after several tries.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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A very well-written insightful story about how to earn an EIB us not an easy task and when one gets it, it is something bto be proud of because not many achieve this in the first attempt and many give up after several tries.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from elchupakabra
score over 225 out of 300, on the PT test,
five pieces of information or a weapon,on them.
considered perfect. (double space between considered and perfect)
Some minor SPAG issues with some stray commas and spacing issues but other than that this was a great piece, congrats on your achievement, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
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score over 225 out of 300, on the PT test,
five pieces of information or a weapon,on them.
considered perfect. (double space between considered and perfect)
Some minor SPAG issues with some stray commas and spacing issues but other than that this was a great piece, congrats on your achievement, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
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Thanks for the editing tips, good catches. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from nomi338
Your detailed accunt of your military activities brought back memories of what being in the military and doing certain things stay with you no matter how long it may have been since you experienced them. I was discharged in October 1964 and I still can recall certain detail as if they just happened. I pity anyone who did not make the most of their time spent in military service.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Your detailed accunt of your military activities brought back memories of what being in the military and doing certain things stay with you no matter how long it may have been since you experienced them. I was discharged in October 1964 and I still can recall certain detail as if they just happened. I pity anyone who did not make the most of their time spent in military service.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Coco Jane
Neat story. I like the bit of suspense in the last part.
The dialogue about being invited to try for the badge is unnecessary. It doesn't add to the story and can be summarized: I had an opportunity to try for the EIB.
In para 3, no comma is needed after 300.
In the para about processing the POW, "on them" is not needed.
"Fire for Effect"--I don't understand this. What does it mean? Why say it after a hit?
Mayb e put the NCO's comment to calm down, etc. into dialogue.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
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Neat story. I like the bit of suspense in the last part.
The dialogue about being invited to try for the badge is unnecessary. It doesn't add to the story and can be summarized: I had an opportunity to try for the EIB.
In para 3, no comma is needed after 300.
In the para about processing the POW, "on them" is not needed.
"Fire for Effect"--I don't understand this. What does it mean? Why say it after a hit?
Mayb e put the NCO's comment to calm down, etc. into dialogue.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
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The idea is to walk rounds onto the target, once you get a hit you fire for effect usually 12 rounds from a three gun section to completely destroy the target. The comma after 300 was put there because I got a four star rating from someone who insisted it needed to be there. Thanks for reading and reviewing my story.
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The four-star reviewer is incorrect about the comma. I taught English for 35 years; the comma does not belong there.
Comment from Steven Hicks
Earl, Very enjoyable read with a great natural voice. I actually wasn't aware of the EIB. My father earned his CIB in Korea, I didn't know there was anything else, since I didn't follow his footsteps.
Aside from a few editing issues, a missed comma and a missed period, very well done indeed. BE proud, it's a hell of an accomplishment.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Earl, Very enjoyable read with a great natural voice. I actually wasn't aware of the EIB. My father earned his CIB in Korea, I didn't know there was anything else, since I didn't follow his footsteps.
Aside from a few editing issues, a missed comma and a missed period, very well done indeed. BE proud, it's a hell of an accomplishment.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
