Flight to Fairbanks
An incident in the high country22 total reviews
Comment from equestrik
This is a fabulous write! You did such a great job with getting and then keeping the reader's attentions. It is a great entry for the ghost story contest. Really great job!
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2020
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This is a fabulous write! You did such a great job with getting and then keeping the reader's attentions. It is a great entry for the ghost story contest. Really great job!
Comment Written 03-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2020
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Wow, Thank you. A writer couldn't ask for a better review. And six more thanks for each star. You made my day.
Comment from elchupakabra
"What time do you see us getting in?" Jean? Asked. - typo right in the beginning, other than this though I thought the story was well done. Good luck in the contest, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2020
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"What time do you see us getting in?" Jean? Asked. - typo right in the beginning, other than this though I thought the story was well done. Good luck in the contest, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2020
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Thanks for that. The worst proofer is me. However, many people have read this story, but you caught it. Good eye.
Comment from Susan X Smith
This was a very entertaining and interesting story to read. The suspense built up and the surprise ending capped it all off. Thanks for sharing. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2020
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This was a very entertaining and interesting story to read. The suspense built up and the surprise ending capped it all off. Thanks for sharing. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2020
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Thank you six times, Susan. So happy you liked the story. Win, or no win, a review like yours makes it all worth while.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written intriguing ghost story. I am not a fan of flying and it was a very frightening to read about how quickly conditions can change in a flight and not every pilot will have perfect assistance to safe the day.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
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A very well-written intriguing ghost story. I am not a fan of flying and it was a very frightening to read about how quickly conditions can change in a flight and not every pilot will have perfect assistance to safe the day.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
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Thank you Sandra. Flying up north is fairly safe, pilots are well trained for the area. Hitting a flock of birds is rare, but it has happened.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
(You have many superfluous commas and commas where you should have semicolons) GRIPPING. I literally had chills at the eerie ending--I'm relieved this is fiction; my worldview would go topsy-turvy. Fine work! Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
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(You have many superfluous commas and commas where you should have semicolons) GRIPPING. I literally had chills at the eerie ending--I'm relieved this is fiction; my worldview would go topsy-turvy. Fine work! Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 21-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
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Thanks, Elizabeth, so glad you liked it. I've had many people show me edits to make, and I think I messed up sentences by not going back and rereading. I removed the entire story to my desk top and did a complete edit. Hopefully I'm on track now. Thank you again.
This reply has been edited too. When I got up this morning I was certainly depressed, but I think I've fixed most of it now.
Comment from Dick Narvett
Excellent, Twilight Zone-type story that does a good job of putting the reader in the plane with Will and Jean.
Aside from a few punctuation errors, there are a few wording edits you may want to make:
"... making the flight(')s ascen(t) a bit choppy."
"I('m) going to get you down"
..."small mountain range to (your) right..."
"A police car(')s(-)red light..." No hyphen
I really enjoyed this one.
Dick
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
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Excellent, Twilight Zone-type story that does a good job of putting the reader in the plane with Will and Jean.
Aside from a few punctuation errors, there are a few wording edits you may want to make:
"... making the flight(')s ascen(t) a bit choppy."
"I('m) going to get you down"
..."small mountain range to (your) right..."
"A police car(')s(-)red light..." No hyphen
I really enjoyed this one.
Dick
Comment Written 21-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
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Thanks, Dick. Glad you liked it. There have been many reviewers before you, and they all pointed out a few typos, but missed these you found. One told me to put that dash in.?
Me, there's no hope, I'll never find those devils.
Comment from Tpa
I congradulate you on what I hope is the winning entry. The story was compelling and the flavor of mystery from beginning to end.
I did noticed a typo; 1ST DIALOGUE AFTER JEAN there is a question mark.
ALSO, just a suggestion:
You have the paragraph of who they are and why they were flying in the middle of your story. Couldn't that be the introductory paragraph? As it is now, it seems to interrupt the rythum of your story.
GOOD LUCK
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
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I congradulate you on what I hope is the winning entry. The story was compelling and the flavor of mystery from beginning to end.
I did noticed a typo; 1ST DIALOGUE AFTER JEAN there is a question mark.
ALSO, just a suggestion:
You have the paragraph of who they are and why they were flying in the middle of your story. Couldn't that be the introductory paragraph? As it is now, it seems to interrupt the rythum of your story.
GOOD LUCK
Comment Written 20-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
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First, thank you for the 6 stars, much appreciated. So glad you liked it. Now, as to your suggestion.
I've learned the best way to write an action story is to capture the readers' attention from the start, and draw them in, wanting to know more. Then, at the appropriate moment, fill in the back story, but only briefly. Then quickly back to the plot. If I start out with mundane info, I'm afraid I'll lose my reader from the start. It's an old tried and true method going back to John Ford and the movies. I can remember sitting mesmerized in the theater glued to every scene.
A successful action script keeps the viewer, or reader, to the end. But when you do that, make sure you give them a satisfying payoff for their time, or they won't be back. I think Mayer B Mayer said that. :>)
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I agree with you and do write in that manner. Sometimes, I TEASPOON the past, and sometimes use it in dialogue or as in a narrative as you do, but more at the beginning. Either way, you did an excellent job.
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Thanks. Yes, there are many ways. In this case I wanted to keep the text short. But sometimes I would work it in as part of the dialogue as you note.
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Hi again Tpa. Well eating crow does'nt taste that bad. After much deliberation, and reread, I took your advise and moved the back story up. Its still into the text far enough, to not lose the reader, plus its edited down a bit. Thanks again. You helped the story for sure.
Comment from N.Butler
This is an amazing story! I loved the tension and the surprise ending. I actually teared up a bit. I really enjoyed how accurate you were with the aviation terminology. However, there were a few places you used abbreviations without following up with an explanation for those of us not in the know. Also, minor punctuation issues. Most of all, in my humble opinion, if you were to rearrange the story a bit it would be far more impactful. Honestly, I loved this story. It had me on the edge of my seat. And the ending was absolutely chilling.
Cheers
NB
P.S.
I have more thoughts on this piece if you are interested. E-mail me at notionbutler@hotmail.com (I hope I am allowed to do that)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2020
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This is an amazing story! I loved the tension and the surprise ending. I actually teared up a bit. I really enjoyed how accurate you were with the aviation terminology. However, there were a few places you used abbreviations without following up with an explanation for those of us not in the know. Also, minor punctuation issues. Most of all, in my humble opinion, if you were to rearrange the story a bit it would be far more impactful. Honestly, I loved this story. It had me on the edge of my seat. And the ending was absolutely chilling.
Cheers
NB
P.S.
I have more thoughts on this piece if you are interested. E-mail me at notionbutler@hotmail.com (I hope I am allowed to do that)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2020
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N. I'm a bit confused, you praise the story for its impact, yet gave me the worst review I've received? I've had two English teachers go over my punctuation, so that must be minor? Sure, send your thoughts to my "contact," that way it's private, and I can read it there.
I didn't explain the abbreviations because in my view, they were unimportant to the story, as the tower advised the pilot what to do, and it would have slowed the narrative down.
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Flight to Fairbanks,
Contact info for you is not available because of Blind submission. I would very much like to clarify. This piece really is amazing.
NB
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Hi again. We can only communicate here, go ahead and send your suggestion, I'm interested.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This has the tone of a real-life story, with realistic details. I liked reading it. There were many places to improve on punctuation. Here are some of them:
I would put a comma after Will in this sentence: "Will I'm hurt!"
whishing of air
I think I would just use the more common word: whooshing of air
The male voice was still calm, but concerned
Take the comma out after calm
Yes, yes. I'll get the emergency kit, and pack my nose.
take the comma out after kit
approximately 15 to 16 miles from your position
Go ahead and spell out fifteen to sixteen miles -- but if it were 100 miles or more then you would list numbers in numerical form.
Same goes here: glide 65 degrees right
spell out sixty-five
"Your over it now.
You want: "You're over it now
her names Kate, she lives not far from here.
If you are using a contraction, then: her name's Kate; she lives not far from here.
A Police cars-red light suddenly appeared
You want to un-capitalize this and use an apostrophe, so: A police car's red light suddenly appeared
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2020
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This has the tone of a real-life story, with realistic details. I liked reading it. There were many places to improve on punctuation. Here are some of them:
I would put a comma after Will in this sentence: "Will I'm hurt!"
whishing of air
I think I would just use the more common word: whooshing of air
The male voice was still calm, but concerned
Take the comma out after calm
Yes, yes. I'll get the emergency kit, and pack my nose.
take the comma out after kit
approximately 15 to 16 miles from your position
Go ahead and spell out fifteen to sixteen miles -- but if it were 100 miles or more then you would list numbers in numerical form.
Same goes here: glide 65 degrees right
spell out sixty-five
"Your over it now.
You want: "You're over it now
her names Kate, she lives not far from here.
If you are using a contraction, then: her name's Kate; she lives not far from here.
A Police cars-red light suddenly appeared
You want to un-capitalize this and use an apostrophe, so: A police car's red light suddenly appeared
Comment Written 20-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2020
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Thanks, Crystie. Made those corrections, much appreciated. Someday I will master those comas. I tend to write as if I were acting in the story. I achieve real sounding dialogue that way, but make plenty of errors, which I don't see even after rereading many times. :>(
Comment from RShipp
"Blood, and parts of birds splattered on the glass,..." I have often wondered how many birds don't see the planes in time?
"Good, Jean replied. She had been enjoying their fishing trip upcountry, it had been a nice getaway, but now she was ready to get back. (You missed a ( " ). Sorry, former schoolteacher and things sometimes just jump at me?
What a great GHOST stroy!!!!
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2020
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"Blood, and parts of birds splattered on the glass,..." I have often wondered how many birds don't see the planes in time?
"Good, Jean replied. She had been enjoying their fishing trip upcountry, it had been a nice getaway, but now she was ready to get back. (You missed a ( " ). Sorry, former schoolteacher and things sometimes just jump at me?
What a great GHOST stroy!!!!
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2020
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Thank you. I'll get that typo. There are lots of times birds and planes meet. Usually the plane survives ok, but hitting a flock has happened up here in Canada.
Thanks again, for your review.
