A Mother's Nightmare
The Hard Truth19 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
So the son takes after the father. I hope the cop shot to wound and not to kill. It would be sad for the mother.
This is a well told story well worth the third place finish in the contest.
Congratulations.
Keep writing and stay healthy
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2020
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So the son takes after the father. I hope the cop shot to wound and not to kill. It would be sad for the mother.
This is a well told story well worth the third place finish in the contest.
Congratulations.
Keep writing and stay healthy
dragonpoet
Comment Written 18-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much.
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You are most kindly welcome
dp
Comment from Therese Caron
What a wonderful story. I lived through that with my stepson, and I don't think you ever go into a deep sleep, no matter how exhausted you are. Always waiting, always waiting. And the problem is, the worst usually does happen. You keep wondering what you did wrong, when it is usually nothing at all. Of course you want to protect him, but is protecting him the best thing for him? You captured that sense in the mother very well. This is very well written and anyone who has lived it will truly appreciate it. Great job.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2020
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What a wonderful story. I lived through that with my stepson, and I don't think you ever go into a deep sleep, no matter how exhausted you are. Always waiting, always waiting. And the problem is, the worst usually does happen. You keep wondering what you did wrong, when it is usually nothing at all. Of course you want to protect him, but is protecting him the best thing for him? You captured that sense in the mother very well. This is very well written and anyone who has lived it will truly appreciate it. Great job.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much.
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You are very welcome.
Comment from Jeff Watkins
The shifting emotions and the shifting among quotes, narrator, and thoughts are handled skillfully. The mechanics and usage need improvement.
1. Be consistent. Use it's or it is, but be consistent.
2, Lies to should be lied to.
3. No comma after knock.
4. No comma between door and lock
5. "Not again."
6. Period after Ma'am
I suggest you spend a few minutes reading your handbook every day.
My review was cut off before completion the first time it was sent,
Jeff Watkins
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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The shifting emotions and the shifting among quotes, narrator, and thoughts are handled skillfully. The mechanics and usage need improvement.
1. Be consistent. Use it's or it is, but be consistent.
2, Lies to should be lied to.
3. No comma after knock.
4. No comma between door and lock
5. "Not again."
6. Period after Ma'am
I suggest you spend a few minutes reading your handbook every day.
My review was cut off before completion the first time it was sent,
Jeff Watkins
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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I think you're right. More like a few hours every day.
Thank you.
Comment from Margaret Bednar
"Go ask a round of questions, I know..." ( I don't think you need the comma)
The cycle continues... the flashback of her husband, now her son. My heart goes out to her. So sad, this flash fiction - but it reads like non-fiction.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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"Go ask a round of questions, I know..." ( I don't think you need the comma)
The cycle continues... the flashback of her husband, now her son. My heart goes out to her. So sad, this flash fiction - but it reads like non-fiction.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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Thank you. You're right, for too many it is non-ficiton.
Comment from judiverse
This is really powerful. It is realistic, actually, because this is what many mothers in these neighborhoods go through. Very revealing the the woman's daughters go to school and do what they're supposed to, while the boy seems out of control. The woman went through this with her ex-husband. It's so hard for a working woman with a son who really needs a man's good influence. He has started down the wrong path, and his running indicates guilt, although we don't know of what. Excellent, and best of luck in the contest. judi
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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This is really powerful. It is realistic, actually, because this is what many mothers in these neighborhoods go through. Very revealing the the woman's daughters go to school and do what they're supposed to, while the boy seems out of control. The woman went through this with her ex-husband. It's so hard for a working woman with a son who really needs a man's good influence. He has started down the wrong path, and his running indicates guilt, although we don't know of what. Excellent, and best of luck in the contest. judi
Comment Written 11-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I like it, but I have to work on my grammar and editing more. Too many errors are slipping through.
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You're welcome. You seem to be telling the story from the mother's view point, so using language she would use would be appropriate. judi
Comment from ebeta
This was well written.
I can feel the mother's anguish.
This piece is very timely. Thank you for writing this.
I was left wondering what the son did and what happened to cause this situation...
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This was well written.
I can feel the mother's anguish.
This piece is very timely. Thank you for writing this.
I was left wondering what the son did and what happened to cause this situation...
Comment Written 11-Aug-2020
Comment from Vanna1
A good story. You build the drama well. Not an original storyline but you brought it to life. Seems to be better than mine...well received. Can you sense the envy!!! Lol. Well done. Thanks for sharing.
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A good story. You build the drama well. Not an original storyline but you brought it to life. Seems to be better than mine...well received. Can you sense the envy!!! Lol. Well done. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2020
Comment from Mastery
Hi Lance. All in all, this is a good flash fiction, however there are some areas that need correcting in terms of grammar. If you don't mind, I will list a few:
This paragraph needs some repair: "The sounds of his boots running up the stairs and his bedroom door also slamming shut pisses me off even more. The middle of the night and he's acting like I don't have to work tomorrow, like his sisters don't have school, like he doesn't. Not that he's going."
Change or enhance to: The SOUND of his boots running up the stairs, together with the slamming of his door pisses me off. He has no regard for my sleep, in order to go to work tomorrow, or for his sisters, who have to go to school. He is supposed to go too, but he won't of course."
Also, here:
""Damn him." I go down stairs. I want to curse him. Go ask a round of questions, I know I'll only get lies to. I want to, but first I have to lock the door, because I know my son didn't lock it back. That would require him to care about me, about us, or show the slightest bit of responsibility, but that's like asking for rain in the desert."
Changes to: "Damn him! I have to go downstairs and lock the door that he probably left unlocked with his total disregard for his family. For him to think about such things would take some responsibility on his part. That would be asking for too much, sort of like asking for a thunderstorm in the desert. I would ask a few questions, but I know I would get nothing but lies."
(good simile by the way, Lance)
And: You need to clarify this area with some attributing tags, Lance.
"Not again," my voice comes out louder than I intend.
"Hello, hello, ma'am Chicago Police."
It all runs fairly smooth after these few burps. Good luck in the contest, my friend. : ) Bob
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Hi Lance. All in all, this is a good flash fiction, however there are some areas that need correcting in terms of grammar. If you don't mind, I will list a few:
This paragraph needs some repair: "The sounds of his boots running up the stairs and his bedroom door also slamming shut pisses me off even more. The middle of the night and he's acting like I don't have to work tomorrow, like his sisters don't have school, like he doesn't. Not that he's going."
Change or enhance to: The SOUND of his boots running up the stairs, together with the slamming of his door pisses me off. He has no regard for my sleep, in order to go to work tomorrow, or for his sisters, who have to go to school. He is supposed to go too, but he won't of course."
Also, here:
""Damn him." I go down stairs. I want to curse him. Go ask a round of questions, I know I'll only get lies to. I want to, but first I have to lock the door, because I know my son didn't lock it back. That would require him to care about me, about us, or show the slightest bit of responsibility, but that's like asking for rain in the desert."
Changes to: "Damn him! I have to go downstairs and lock the door that he probably left unlocked with his total disregard for his family. For him to think about such things would take some responsibility on his part. That would be asking for too much, sort of like asking for a thunderstorm in the desert. I would ask a few questions, but I know I would get nothing but lies."
(good simile by the way, Lance)
And: You need to clarify this area with some attributing tags, Lance.
"Not again," my voice comes out louder than I intend.
"Hello, hello, ma'am Chicago Police."
It all runs fairly smooth after these few burps. Good luck in the contest, my friend. : ) Bob
Comment Written 11-Aug-2020
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I'm sure this scene has played over and over many times in the past for numerous mothers and fathers everywhere. How can we keep our children from falling into the wrong group? How can we keep them close and safe until they get a sense of right and wrong. This is every parents nightmare. Well done, Lance. Nancy:)
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I'm sure this scene has played over and over many times in the past for numerous mothers and fathers everywhere. How can we keep our children from falling into the wrong group? How can we keep them close and safe until they get a sense of right and wrong. This is every parents nightmare. Well done, Lance. Nancy:)
Comment Written 11-Aug-2020
Comment from RShipp
Too many times situations like this arise. Too many times they have bad endings. Too many times, it soesn't catch the mother by surprise.
Best of luck with the Flash Fiction Writing Contest.
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Too many times situations like this arise. Too many times they have bad endings. Too many times, it soesn't catch the mother by surprise.
Best of luck with the Flash Fiction Writing Contest.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2020
