Ashera
expensive marchandise14 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Well, thanks for letting me know what an Ashera cat is! I didn't know anything about them. I noted some grammar issues below. Other than those, it was an entertaining story.
As I was preparing carefully my nest, (As I was carefully preparing my nest)
"Officer is midnight, (it's midnight)
Knock it out, Sabrina, step out of it, (Knock it off, snap out of it)
Why can we just (Why can't)
We sneaked out quietly (snuck)
into a mobile crater. (moving crate?)
I look at Sanders (looked)
he stumbled and fall. (fell)
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2020
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Well, thanks for letting me know what an Ashera cat is! I didn't know anything about them. I noted some grammar issues below. Other than those, it was an entertaining story.
As I was preparing carefully my nest, (As I was carefully preparing my nest)
"Officer is midnight, (it's midnight)
Knock it out, Sabrina, step out of it, (Knock it off, snap out of it)
Why can we just (Why can't)
We sneaked out quietly (snuck)
into a mobile crater. (moving crate?)
I look at Sanders (looked)
he stumbled and fall. (fell)
Comment Written 10-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2020
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Thank you so much for your wonderful and complete review and as always I really appreciate the grammar corrections.
Comment from Ben B.
This is a twist, smuggled cats in an illegal operation. It's a good story but I don't see how this is a "humor" flash fiction. So let me get this straight, Sabrina is the one who lives in the apartment, she's working undercover on something, yet she had no suspicion what was going on outside?
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reply by the author on 10-Aug-2020
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This is a twist, smuggled cats in an illegal operation. It's a good story but I don't see how this is a "humor" flash fiction. So let me get this straight, Sabrina is the one who lives in the apartment, she's working undercover on something, yet she had no suspicion what was going on outside?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2020
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Nope she was on a different case. I will see if I can sneak this somewhere in the test.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
(typos: officer is midnight s/b it's midnight; how the heck they found out s/b did they find out; stumbled and fall s/b fell; crater s/b crate; I look at Sanders and he ushered me s/b looked at; worls s/b world) Very clever--are those the cats that look like leopards? (I thought they cost "only" $10,000!) Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2020
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(typos: officer is midnight s/b it's midnight; how the heck they found out s/b did they find out; stumbled and fall s/b fell; crater s/b crate; I look at Sanders and he ushered me s/b looked at; worls s/b world) Very clever--are those the cats that look like leopards? (I thought they cost "only" $10,000!) Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 10-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2020
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Hi Liz, thank you for sharing your wonderful corrections, and yes these are the cats. I think the 10 000 is the other one savana or something like that:)
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
This is a great contest entry, Iza. I enjoyed reading it. You did a good job with the prompt. Your wrods are descriptive--I could see what you mentioned.
May I suggest:[ I know English isn't your first language. If you would rather me not edit, please let me know. I'm only trying to help. You can disable this, then revises, then restore.
Respectfully, Jan
It was after midnight, I finally decided to bail [ on ] my favourite show and go to bed. My kitties were already there. As I was [carefully ] preparing carefully my nest, I heard a discreet tap at the door. I pretended tht [that ] I didn't hear it. What the heck, I didn't expect anybody. I finally managed to get my perfect spot, then here it comes: tap-tap.
"What the heck, [ heck? Quietly, I . . . ] quietly I approached the door and waited... [. . . tap, tap, tap, tap.Tap-Tap, Tap-Tap. After the last tap [ tap, ] I asked: Who is there?"
"Madame, I am the Police!" [ police ]
"Police"
"Madame, please [ comma here ] we need to talk."
"Officer [ it's ] is midnight, I am not opening the door until I am seeing some ID. "
"I am so sorry Madame to show up at your door uninvited, here is my ID."
"Just pass it over, please."
"That's unbelievable! Fine, here you are!"
"I took the ID and check [[ checked ] it in the data base. OK [ comma here ] the ID was legit. I am Sabrina [ comma after Sabrina ]and I work undercover, so how the heck [ did they . . ] they found out?"
I opened the door. Wow, the guy was looking so hot. Flash News: is this guy an Officer -- Stripper? Knock it out, Sabrina, step out of it, and act professional."
"Good Morning, Sir, what can I do for you?"
"Morning? Oh, yeah [ it's ] is past midnight. I am here, because I need access to your balcony. Someone called us from the apartment below, and we need to get there quietly."
"We? I am just a normal citizen, Officer, no Spider Woman powers in pocket."
"Come on [ comma here ] Sabrina. I know who you are. They are moving the merchandise tonight, so we have to catch them in the act."
"You know me, Officer Sanders?"
"Not until five minutes ago. Voinikov told me to say Zdrasti!"
"OK, this [ that ] zdrasti makes you legit. But do we have to get into the apartment via my balcony? Why can we just wait for them outside?"
"We don't want for [ delete for ] them to kill the merchandise. This is the only way, trust me."
"Oh, brother, here comes one Miss Smith jumping over the balcony."
"By the way do you know what's the merchandise?"
"No, not really! All I know is [ that (delete just ) ] just that whatever is there is alive and very expensive."
"Fine, let's hope there are no creepy crawlers! Follow me [ comma here ] Officer."
We sneaked [ snuck ] out quietly into [ onto ] my neighbour's balcony. I heard some meows. Nope, those are not my tigers. The neighbor was chasing 10 cats and was trying to put them into a mobile crater. I look [ looked ] at Sanders [comma here ] and he ushered me inside. I took my gun and said:" Hands[ delete space after the quote "Hands ] up!" My neighbor tried to run away, but one of those gigantic cats brushed his legs and he stumbled and fall [ fell ]. Finally, the back up [ back-up ] team showed up with animal protection. Laughing [ comma here ' I said [ said, "This is crazy--contraband with cats." ]: this is crazy, contraband with cats?
"Yes.[ "Yes, now I get it. ] Now I get it. Sabrina, these are Ashera cats, one costs 100,000 American dollars. Just imagine with 10 you can get a house in a posh neighborhood."
The Ashera cats are the most expensive breed in the worls. An original costs 100,000 american[{American ] dollars. Zdrasti, means Hi in Bulgarian.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2020
|
This is a great contest entry, Iza. I enjoyed reading it. You did a good job with the prompt. Your wrods are descriptive--I could see what you mentioned.
May I suggest:[ I know English isn't your first language. If you would rather me not edit, please let me know. I'm only trying to help. You can disable this, then revises, then restore.
Respectfully, Jan
It was after midnight, I finally decided to bail [ on ] my favourite show and go to bed. My kitties were already there. As I was [carefully ] preparing carefully my nest, I heard a discreet tap at the door. I pretended tht [that ] I didn't hear it. What the heck, I didn't expect anybody. I finally managed to get my perfect spot, then here it comes: tap-tap.
"What the heck, [ heck? Quietly, I . . . ] quietly I approached the door and waited... [. . . tap, tap, tap, tap.Tap-Tap, Tap-Tap. After the last tap [ tap, ] I asked: Who is there?"
"Madame, I am the Police!" [ police ]
"Police"
"Madame, please [ comma here ] we need to talk."
"Officer [ it's ] is midnight, I am not opening the door until I am seeing some ID. "
"I am so sorry Madame to show up at your door uninvited, here is my ID."
"Just pass it over, please."
"That's unbelievable! Fine, here you are!"
"I took the ID and check [[ checked ] it in the data base. OK [ comma here ] the ID was legit. I am Sabrina [ comma after Sabrina ]and I work undercover, so how the heck [ did they . . ] they found out?"
I opened the door. Wow, the guy was looking so hot. Flash News: is this guy an Officer -- Stripper? Knock it out, Sabrina, step out of it, and act professional."
"Good Morning, Sir, what can I do for you?"
"Morning? Oh, yeah [ it's ] is past midnight. I am here, because I need access to your balcony. Someone called us from the apartment below, and we need to get there quietly."
"We? I am just a normal citizen, Officer, no Spider Woman powers in pocket."
"Come on [ comma here ] Sabrina. I know who you are. They are moving the merchandise tonight, so we have to catch them in the act."
"You know me, Officer Sanders?"
"Not until five minutes ago. Voinikov told me to say Zdrasti!"
"OK, this [ that ] zdrasti makes you legit. But do we have to get into the apartment via my balcony? Why can we just wait for them outside?"
"We don't want for [ delete for ] them to kill the merchandise. This is the only way, trust me."
"Oh, brother, here comes one Miss Smith jumping over the balcony."
"By the way do you know what's the merchandise?"
"No, not really! All I know is [ that (delete just ) ] just that whatever is there is alive and very expensive."
"Fine, let's hope there are no creepy crawlers! Follow me [ comma here ] Officer."
We sneaked [ snuck ] out quietly into [ onto ] my neighbour's balcony. I heard some meows. Nope, those are not my tigers. The neighbor was chasing 10 cats and was trying to put them into a mobile crater. I look [ looked ] at Sanders [comma here ] and he ushered me inside. I took my gun and said:" Hands[ delete space after the quote "Hands ] up!" My neighbor tried to run away, but one of those gigantic cats brushed his legs and he stumbled and fall [ fell ]. Finally, the back up [ back-up ] team showed up with animal protection. Laughing [ comma here ' I said [ said, "This is crazy--contraband with cats." ]: this is crazy, contraband with cats?
"Yes.[ "Yes, now I get it. ] Now I get it. Sabrina, these are Ashera cats, one costs 100,000 American dollars. Just imagine with 10 you can get a house in a posh neighborhood."
The Ashera cats are the most expensive breed in the worls. An original costs 100,000 american[{American ] dollars. Zdrasti, means Hi in Bulgarian.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2020
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Hi, Jan thank you so much for your corrections, I really appreciate them:) so please, if you have time keep on coming with wonderful suggestions. One more time thank you so much and have a wonderful day.
