Another Life
Viewing comments for Prologue "Another Life"American Isekai
23 total reviews
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Normally I pass on war stories--I make exceptions for superb writers. Be assured: You are in fine form. Stunning narration: taut, brutal--spot on for the gruesome scene. Superb.
  |
Normally I pass on war stories--I make exceptions for superb writers. Be assured: You are in fine form. Stunning narration: taut, brutal--spot on for the gruesome scene. Superb.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2021
Comment from Eunice Amero
What a shame for Jeff. War is so cruel. His friend didnt want to leave him. Oh my the flare will tell on where they are. This is a good story. I love it. You did a good job. Good luck
 |
What a shame for Jeff. War is so cruel. His friend didnt want to leave him. Oh my the flare will tell on where they are. This is a good story. I love it. You did a good job. Good luck
Comment Written 14-Nov-2021
Comment from Liz O'Neill
I know right off, I'll be reading this entire story with this one expression. I love your writing voice. "his fractured mind "..."Jeff's vampire-like pale face" "How lonely that little flare was in a sky empty for miles. Shit!" This is excellent. On to the next chap.
|
I know right off, I'll be reading this entire story with this one expression. I love your writing voice. "his fractured mind "..."Jeff's vampire-like pale face" "How lonely that little flare was in a sky empty for miles. Shit!" This is excellent. On to the next chap.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2021
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Of course, there is interest. You have started off with a good Hook. We need to know if they will survive this horrible situation and what Jeff's condition will be. It is a great start! I see your chapters are up into the 30s, but I have decided to see from the beginning if I'm interested. Yes, I will be reading on.:)
Lewis' voice to pigs (be) slaughtered,>>did you mean 'being'
Note:
Ralf
|
Of course, there is interest. You have started off with a good Hook. We need to know if they will survive this horrible situation and what Jeff's condition will be. It is a great start! I see your chapters are up into the 30s, but I have decided to see from the beginning if I'm interested. Yes, I will be reading on.:)
Lewis' voice to pigs (be) slaughtered,>>did you mean 'being'
Note:
Ralf
Comment Written 01-Feb-2021
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I ran out of time in the second half of last year, but kept promising myself I would read your book one day. Not sure I've got the time even now, but more reading has gone onto my NY resolution list, so starting at the beginning seemed a good idea, and I'll see how I progress...
Potential SPAGs to consider:
some were on Derrick's boots > some was
a hundred murderous eyes > a hundred murderous pairs of eyes
|
I ran out of time in the second half of last year, but kept promising myself I would read your book one day. Not sure I've got the time even now, but more reading has gone onto my NY resolution list, so starting at the beginning seemed a good idea, and I'll see how I progress...
Potential SPAGs to consider:
some were on Derrick's boots > some was
a hundred murderous eyes > a hundred murderous pairs of eyes
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
Comment from Margaret Bednar
I think this is all well written and yes, a very interesting story except (sorry) I didn't like "as Jeff pounded away at them wondering if he should come in their face or flip them and go balls deep in their ass. " - but that's just me. It just seemed like he isn't such a great guy after all... I like the "honey" reference and the fact they are in this situation because of that... it just kind of ruined the whole write for me and I'm not all that sensitive, usually.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
|
I think this is all well written and yes, a very interesting story except (sorry) I didn't like "as Jeff pounded away at them wondering if he should come in their face or flip them and go balls deep in their ass. " - but that's just me. It just seemed like he isn't such a great guy after all... I like the "honey" reference and the fact they are in this situation because of that... it just kind of ruined the whole write for me and I'm not all that sensitive, usually.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
-
Thank you. Sometimes men, especially in an all male, highly macho grouping (like the Army), speak more freely, and that realism can to jarring to some.
I tried to add the necessary warnings. I'll try harder next time.
Thank you.
-
Oh, my sensibilities weren't shaken - I didn't mean it like that. I just thought it detracted from character - but maybe that's as it is, I don't know. I just wasn't quite as ... rooting for him as much as perhapsI should have been...
-
I was reading the comments and the line I didn't like so much, Mastery loved. LOL. I think it has more to do with content than quality :)
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Well, after the way you've left it at the end, I, for one, would like to know what Derrick will do next with his team. Sending off that flare has alerted everyone to their whereabouts, the good and the bad. Yes, lets have more! Well done, I enjoyed what I read. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
|
Well, after the way you've left it at the end, I, for one, would like to know what Derrick will do next with his team. Sending off that flare has alerted everyone to their whereabouts, the good and the bad. Yes, lets have more! Well done, I enjoyed what I read. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
-
Thank you very much
Comment from Jeff Watkins
I read a great deal of military fiction and non fiction. I am a non-combat Vietnam veteran with some sense the strengths and weaknesses of military culture. I write short stories, not novels or novellas. Keep that in in mind as your judge the usefulness of my critique.
This story lacks what it should have in abundance: tension. It lacks tension because the setting and characters do not seem real because of a lack of detail. I suggest you analyze the military fiction you love the most to discover what makes it so great. You will probably notice such things a technical descriptions or at least mentions of equipment and tactics as well as setting.
You might try having a character as a narrator. Good luck. Jeff Watkins
 |
I read a great deal of military fiction and non fiction. I am a non-combat Vietnam veteran with some sense the strengths and weaknesses of military culture. I write short stories, not novels or novellas. Keep that in in mind as your judge the usefulness of my critique.
This story lacks what it should have in abundance: tension. It lacks tension because the setting and characters do not seem real because of a lack of detail. I suggest you analyze the military fiction you love the most to discover what makes it so great. You will probably notice such things a technical descriptions or at least mentions of equipment and tactics as well as setting.
You might try having a character as a narrator. Good luck. Jeff Watkins
Comment Written 11-Aug-2020
Comment from The Reverend Dr Gonzo
Good story, you're painting quite the picture here that I'm sure myself and many others will want to see how it resolves. I have a few suggestions for punctuation and grammar.
First sentence add a possessive apostrophe at the end of "Wilkins."
Is it Derrick or Derick?
Add a hyphen between "vampire" and "like."
Don't need to capitalize sergeant if it's on its own.
Change "pigs be slaughtered" to "pigs being slaughtered."
You can take out the comma after "Derick was."
You might want to switch up one of the versions of "short burst(s)" so it's more consistent.
"Evac" shouldn't need capitalization here.
The commas in "four, capable," aren't needed. Using them slows down that sentence.
Your last paragraph here is startlingly good and showcases a wealth of emotions in Derick/Derrick's mind. Interesting to see what comes next!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
Good story, you're painting quite the picture here that I'm sure myself and many others will want to see how it resolves. I have a few suggestions for punctuation and grammar.
First sentence add a possessive apostrophe at the end of "Wilkins."
Is it Derrick or Derick?
Add a hyphen between "vampire" and "like."
Don't need to capitalize sergeant if it's on its own.
Change "pigs be slaughtered" to "pigs being slaughtered."
You can take out the comma after "Derick was."
You might want to switch up one of the versions of "short burst(s)" so it's more consistent.
"Evac" shouldn't need capitalization here.
The commas in "four, capable," aren't needed. Using them slows down that sentence.
Your last paragraph here is startlingly good and showcases a wealth of emotions in Derick/Derrick's mind. Interesting to see what comes next!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2020
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
I am definitely interested in Derick's story. Do post more.
I am a fan of yours, but I did not receive any of your postings notifications which I found on the listings. That is not good.
|
I am definitely interested in Derick's story. Do post more.
I am a fan of yours, but I did not receive any of your postings notifications which I found on the listings. That is not good.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2020
