Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Call of the Wild"Shenanigans on the frontier
20 total reviews
Comment from richie b
Earl,
A fine chapter. Your description of the deer being
shot and prayed over lends a history lesson to some
readers.
Your finely written tale offers the personalities
of your characters defining them as their own self.
You ended this chapter with enough suspense
to make the reader want more.
Peace,
Richie
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2020
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Earl,
A fine chapter. Your description of the deer being
shot and prayed over lends a history lesson to some
readers.
Your finely written tale offers the personalities
of your characters defining them as their own self.
You ended this chapter with enough suspense
to make the reader want more.
Peace,
Richie
Comment Written 01-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2020
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Thanks for hanging in there with me Richie. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my book and I?m glad you?ve enjoying it.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
I just found your western fiction writing. It is very good. This story is unique and cleverly written. I would like to read more, so I will become a fan.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2020
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I just found your western fiction writing. It is very good. This story is unique and cleverly written. I would like to read more, so I will become a fan.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2020
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Thank you for reading and reviewing my work. I appreciate you becoming a fan, there?s a lot on my portfolio you can check out.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Earl. Good to see you back to posting some chapters, my friend.
This chapter, just a sthe others in your book have a very authentic ring to it.
Suggestions: Never use the term "ALL OF A SUDDEN" in any of your writing. Or like this:
"All of a sudden a twig snapped and the usual bird and forest noises ceased.
The party froze." (It is amature-ish and stands out like a sore thumb. Change this to perhaps: "A twig snapped and all the other natural forest sounds, like those of birds, ceased to exist."
Also: Don't use words that are not needed, like here:
"........into a band of Shawnees looking for scalps." (leave off "looking for scalps)
This sentence needs restructuring as words are out of order/and or missing:
"Janie handed it back and Clancy took a bite. He then offered it to Doo. Doo took a huge bite, the blood ran into his beard."
Try: "Janie handed it back to Clancy, WHO took a bite. He then offered it to Doo, WHO took another huge bite and watched the blood trickle into his beard."
Keep at it Earl. I will upgrade your stars if you make the necessary changes. : ) Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2020
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Hi Earl. Good to see you back to posting some chapters, my friend.
This chapter, just a sthe others in your book have a very authentic ring to it.
Suggestions: Never use the term "ALL OF A SUDDEN" in any of your writing. Or like this:
"All of a sudden a twig snapped and the usual bird and forest noises ceased.
The party froze." (It is amature-ish and stands out like a sore thumb. Change this to perhaps: "A twig snapped and all the other natural forest sounds, like those of birds, ceased to exist."
Also: Don't use words that are not needed, like here:
"........into a band of Shawnees looking for scalps." (leave off "looking for scalps)
This sentence needs restructuring as words are out of order/and or missing:
"Janie handed it back and Clancy took a bite. He then offered it to Doo. Doo took a huge bite, the blood ran into his beard."
Try: "Janie handed it back to Clancy, WHO took a bite. He then offered it to Doo, WHO took another huge bite and watched the blood trickle into his beard."
Keep at it Earl. I will upgrade your stars if you make the necessary changes. : ) Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2020
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Thank you for all the pointers. I went back and followed your suggestions. How was this for show over tell? I appreciate all your help.
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Your telling is super compared to this time last year orm early on in the story. There is one other thing that I forgot to tell you and it is very important
Evidently you have a narrator telling this story...and not specific that I can tell. As a narrator , he could not possibly know this: Her heart was beating so fast she swore it would alert the buck."
The olynwaayto express what everybody is thinking and feeling is to write the story in"Omniescent" meaning the narrator knows all sees all.
You shoild just be aware of this when you sart getting inside somebody's head...know what I mean? Bob.
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That is a point I hadn?t thought of about the narrator. I?ll keep that in mind as I go forward. Thanks for all your help.
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Are you aware that all of your punctuation marks like this ' are coming out all as question marks?
Words like don't are coming out don?t
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Are you aware that all of your punctuation marks like this ' are coming out all as question marks?
Words like don't are coming out don?t
Comment from poetwatch
This is a good chapter, Earl. Yet, I'll be truthful, I like my liver with onions and cooked. :) Never had it any other way. But I know that it's a belief that the spirit of whatever animal is in their blood and the liver is a bloody organ. You keep writing westerns and I'll keep reading them. I wish I could write as well as you. Thank you very much for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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This is a good chapter, Earl. Yet, I'll be truthful, I like my liver with onions and cooked. :) Never had it any other way. But I know that it's a belief that the spirit of whatever animal is in their blood and the liver is a bloody organ. You keep writing westerns and I'll keep reading them. I wish I could write as well as you. Thank you very much for sharing.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Sorry for the late response. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Earl, thank you so much for the cast of characters, it made the story so much more enjoyable to read. (please place McGraw on the list)
I do have one bone to pick. From my limited knowledge of antique rifles you can not wrap the wadding around the ball or it bullet will never make it out of the barrel.
Waddding needs to be placed 'between' the powder and the ball to contain and direct the force of the blast when the powder is ignited.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Dear Earl, thank you so much for the cast of characters, it made the story so much more enjoyable to read. (please place McGraw on the list)
I do have one bone to pick. From my limited knowledge of antique rifles you can not wrap the wadding around the ball or it bullet will never make it out of the barrel.
Waddding needs to be placed 'between' the powder and the ball to contain and direct the force of the blast when the powder is ignited.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Sorry for the late response. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Janie's baprism to the wild. [baptism]
How could they eat a raw liver? Ugh! I can't remember what is going on between McGraw and Sweeping Eagle. You really do need to post more often. Godfrey Smythe- Ferret faced cad.That does not sound very promising to me. LOL
I saw the one typo. Well done otherwise. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Janie's baprism to the wild. [baptism]
How could they eat a raw liver? Ugh! I can't remember what is going on between McGraw and Sweeping Eagle. You really do need to post more often. Godfrey Smythe- Ferret faced cad.That does not sound very promising to me. LOL
I saw the one typo. Well done otherwise. Nancy:)
Comment Written 31-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
-
Sorry for the late response. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Some mighty fancy character building makes for an enjoyable read. Someone once told me that characters and dialog build an interesting, plot is just the line they follow. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but I'll take good characters every time. Great job. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Some mighty fancy character building makes for an enjoyable read. Someone once told me that characters and dialog build an interesting, plot is just the line they follow. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but I'll take good characters every time. Great job. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
-
Sorry for the late response. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from R. Hiland
Good stuff. I'm enjoying this. Have you assembled some of the chapters as a book so I can catch up--binge read? Be easier to keep track. Thanks for posting.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Good stuff. I'm enjoying this. Have you assembled some of the chapters as a book so I can catch up--binge read? Be easier to keep track. Thanks for posting.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
-
Sorry for the late response. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from elchupakabra
Great work here, I really enjoyed the prose and I thought you did a good job with the dialogue which I am a stickler for. Looking forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing, later daze.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Great work here, I really enjoyed the prose and I thought you did a good job with the dialogue which I am a stickler for. Looking forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing, later daze.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Sorry for the late response. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from Ben Colder
I think I have missed much of this story. It seems to have a nice flow of things and I see nothing wrong with the dialog. So the Shawnee?
I am doing something also along the same genera if you care to check it out.
Keep writing sounds interesting.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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I think I have missed much of this story. It seems to have a nice flow of things and I see nothing wrong with the dialog. So the Shawnee?
I am doing something also along the same genera if you care to check it out.
Keep writing sounds interesting.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
-
Sorry for the late response. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
