Flies and Mushrooms
A hike in Austria Alps ended up on Mars.15 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Lisa,
I have to tell you - this was a very strange little story. *smile* Remind me to never eat those particular mushrooms. Wow. That was some trip she took!
Your writing, for the most part, is clear and engaging. I did notice a few nits here and there and made notes for you below. You are welcome to disagree with everyone of them. *smile*
1.) "There are tons of flies(!)" My 15(-)year(-)old son(,) Sam(,) yelled rather excitedly
--> delete the 'rather' -- I would think he was either excited or not, right?
2.) It (was) situated right at (the) foot of several mountain peaks
3.) happy bunnies hopping around, goat grazing, and of course, the buzzing flies, the damn flies.
--> either 'a' goat grazing -or- 'goats' grazing
4.) "But they seem bigger and louder than the ones at home(,)" I said annoyingly.
--> this sounds like your speech was annoying - not that the flies were annoying YOU
--> btw, the very idea of her questioning if these were Austrian flies seems a bit weird to me. She is in Austria. What other kind of flies would they be? Icelandic?
5.) "Do these flies always make that sound?" I asked innocently.
--> you already used this speech tag earlier
6.) "I certainly hope so(," m)y husband said in (disbelief).
--> why would he hope so? doesn't that seem like a weird response?
7.) But if you knew my later experience in the Alps, you wouldn't be so
--> how could LATER experiences have anything to do with THIS moment?
--> and since you never share this - I recommend leaving this out entirely
8.) said Judy, a professional violinist (who) grew up in East Germany.
--> I don't know why this matters, though
9.) "Yes. This is my dream and it has come true. I finally can breath(e)," said Elon.
10.) "That's (okay). This is not a test." He patted my shoulder.
--> don't abbreviate ok in prose
--> when he pats her on the shoulder, it seems a bit condescending?
That's it. Hope this helps. Good luck!
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reply by the author on 01-Aug-2020
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Lisa,
I have to tell you - this was a very strange little story. *smile* Remind me to never eat those particular mushrooms. Wow. That was some trip she took!
Your writing, for the most part, is clear and engaging. I did notice a few nits here and there and made notes for you below. You are welcome to disagree with everyone of them. *smile*
1.) "There are tons of flies(!)" My 15(-)year(-)old son(,) Sam(,) yelled rather excitedly
--> delete the 'rather' -- I would think he was either excited or not, right?
2.) It (was) situated right at (the) foot of several mountain peaks
3.) happy bunnies hopping around, goat grazing, and of course, the buzzing flies, the damn flies.
--> either 'a' goat grazing -or- 'goats' grazing
4.) "But they seem bigger and louder than the ones at home(,)" I said annoyingly.
--> this sounds like your speech was annoying - not that the flies were annoying YOU
--> btw, the very idea of her questioning if these were Austrian flies seems a bit weird to me. She is in Austria. What other kind of flies would they be? Icelandic?
5.) "Do these flies always make that sound?" I asked innocently.
--> you already used this speech tag earlier
6.) "I certainly hope so(," m)y husband said in (disbelief).
--> why would he hope so? doesn't that seem like a weird response?
7.) But if you knew my later experience in the Alps, you wouldn't be so
--> how could LATER experiences have anything to do with THIS moment?
--> and since you never share this - I recommend leaving this out entirely
8.) said Judy, a professional violinist (who) grew up in East Germany.
--> I don't know why this matters, though
9.) "Yes. This is my dream and it has come true. I finally can breath(e)," said Elon.
10.) "That's (okay). This is not a test." He patted my shoulder.
--> don't abbreviate ok in prose
--> when he pats her on the shoulder, it seems a bit condescending?
That's it. Hope this helps. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2020
-
Thank you so much for the feedback. I'm a non native speaker and this story was published in an anthology before. It is not perfect. I have made correction and it is better now.
To answer your question:
8.) said Judy, a professional violinist (who) grew up in East Germany.
--> I don't know why this matters, though
Judith and I grew up in communist countries so we were not told that the wild mushrooms were poisonous.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
So magic mushrooms that can lead to an utopian place where everything is oversized. I enjoy the naughty remarks about the labels, totally get it. Here people leave the fruits in the tree because they are not labeled.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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So magic mushrooms that can lead to an utopian place where everything is oversized. I enjoy the naughty remarks about the labels, totally get it. Here people leave the fruits in the tree because they are not labeled.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Thanks.
Comment from Kolbe Brown
I enjoyed reading about your travels and the experiences you shared w your family. I have not traveled as much as you and to such exotic places not the norm of the typical us . I enjoyed the women prospective of your narration. I felt i was right there w you. Enjoyable read:)
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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I enjoyed reading about your travels and the experiences you shared w your family. I have not traveled as much as you and to such exotic places not the norm of the typical us . I enjoyed the women prospective of your narration. I felt i was right there w you. Enjoyable read:)
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much. I really enjoyed trip as well as the writing experience.
Comment from Marjon van Bruggen
A fantastic fantasy! Eating a lot of mushroom cream sauce brings you to Mars and let you be kissed by a dream prince.
Wonderfully fast and excited writing, it brings the reader into the same fantasy dream world as the writer. Very well done!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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A fantastic fantasy! Eating a lot of mushroom cream sauce brings you to Mars and let you be kissed by a dream prince.
Wonderfully fast and excited writing, it brings the reader into the same fantasy dream world as the writer. Very well done!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Thanks you so much. I really enjoyed hiking the Alps and writing this fantasy afterwards.
I love to travel and it is nice to find this added bonus.
I will post three fantasy stories I have written inspired by my travel experience.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Carlos' girl
Just amazing! What a wonderful, splendid story this is. I'm so pleased to have found this to review.
Your ideas are beautiful, the characters are darling and I love it
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reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Just amazing! What a wonderful, splendid story this is. I'm so pleased to have found this to review.
Your ideas are beautiful, the characters are darling and I love it
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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I really appreciate your nice review and comments. I had fun writing it.
I will post more fantasy stories that I have written.
Thank you very much.
