Uri's full bodied wine
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Uri's full bodied wine"A fiction murder mystery
9 total reviews
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Hi Brad! I'm enjoying your story, but haven't finished making recommended edits for you, yet (or reading it). But since I don't know when your promotion will expire, I decided to save what I did, and come back to it tomorrow:
"Uri Alexia Bablonski," came a loud yell.
-->
"Uri Alexia Bablonski!" came a loud yell.
We talk now, damn you."
-->
We talk now, damn you!"
"See this piping system Honrich," he said to the man.
-->
"See this piping system, Honrich," he said to the man.
"The weather sets the schedule Honrich.
-->
"The weather sets the schedule, Honrich.
"I own Fifty One percent!
-->
"I own fifty-one percent!
"How? The body is in 3,000 liters of fermenting wine?"
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"How? The body is in 3,000 liters of fermenting wine!"
"We hook it with a dragline and pull it out." Kat coldly replied.
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"We hook it with a dragline and pull it out," Kat coldly replied.
"Uri shook his head,
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Uri shook his head,
"We drive it to someplace far away, and ditch it."
-->
"We drive it to someplace far away, and ditch it," answered Kat.
"Let them ask Uri; they have nothing.
-->
"Let them ask, Uri; they have nothing.
"If we take the body from the tank, where do we get rid of it?" He posed. "Also, Andre, will ask--why we empty tank?"
-->
"If we take the body from the tank, where do we get rid of it?" he posed. "Also, Andre will ask--why we empty tank?"
***
To be continued (the edits). Here is why I think you didn't get too many reviews: the chapter is too long (I didn't read Chapter 2 yet, but if it's of equal size, it would also be too long). People on FanStory like to get points etc., for reviewing stories and poem, you know how it goes. This chapter is about 6,000 words long, which according to my software, would take at least 24 minutes of silent reading -- more than the average reviewer is willing to give a single post. But it's an interesting story, and I am very curious about what Uri and Kat intend to do about Uri's, um, former business partner who has, let's say, fallen into the drink!
Your characters also hold my interest, and I will be back to read more about what they will do next.
I don't think you can repost this in smaller chapters -- you can check the rules of FanStory, but I think I read somewhere, that we can't post the same story twice. You could certainly revise it, although I don't know what else to recommend, especially since I haven't finished reading it.
You could try promoting for the maximum amount, which might help -- you would either have to do a lot of reviewing, or put actual money into the website. The highest amount I've ever seen anything promoted for was around $1.10, or maybe a few cents more. I would like to give you six stars, but I don't have any left -- yes, this early in the week! But I will continue reading this soon.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Hi Brad! I'm enjoying your story, but haven't finished making recommended edits for you, yet (or reading it). But since I don't know when your promotion will expire, I decided to save what I did, and come back to it tomorrow:
"Uri Alexia Bablonski," came a loud yell.
-->
"Uri Alexia Bablonski!" came a loud yell.
We talk now, damn you."
-->
We talk now, damn you!"
"See this piping system Honrich," he said to the man.
-->
"See this piping system, Honrich," he said to the man.
"The weather sets the schedule Honrich.
-->
"The weather sets the schedule, Honrich.
"I own Fifty One percent!
-->
"I own fifty-one percent!
"How? The body is in 3,000 liters of fermenting wine?"
-->
"How? The body is in 3,000 liters of fermenting wine!"
"We hook it with a dragline and pull it out." Kat coldly replied.
-->
"We hook it with a dragline and pull it out," Kat coldly replied.
"Uri shook his head,
-->
Uri shook his head,
"We drive it to someplace far away, and ditch it."
-->
"We drive it to someplace far away, and ditch it," answered Kat.
"Let them ask Uri; they have nothing.
-->
"Let them ask, Uri; they have nothing.
"If we take the body from the tank, where do we get rid of it?" He posed. "Also, Andre, will ask--why we empty tank?"
-->
"If we take the body from the tank, where do we get rid of it?" he posed. "Also, Andre will ask--why we empty tank?"
***
To be continued (the edits). Here is why I think you didn't get too many reviews: the chapter is too long (I didn't read Chapter 2 yet, but if it's of equal size, it would also be too long). People on FanStory like to get points etc., for reviewing stories and poem, you know how it goes. This chapter is about 6,000 words long, which according to my software, would take at least 24 minutes of silent reading -- more than the average reviewer is willing to give a single post. But it's an interesting story, and I am very curious about what Uri and Kat intend to do about Uri's, um, former business partner who has, let's say, fallen into the drink!
Your characters also hold my interest, and I will be back to read more about what they will do next.
I don't think you can repost this in smaller chapters -- you can check the rules of FanStory, but I think I read somewhere, that we can't post the same story twice. You could certainly revise it, although I don't know what else to recommend, especially since I haven't finished reading it.
You could try promoting for the maximum amount, which might help -- you would either have to do a lot of reviewing, or put actual money into the website. The highest amount I've ever seen anything promoted for was around $1.10, or maybe a few cents more. I would like to give you six stars, but I don't have any left -- yes, this early in the week! But I will continue reading this soon.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Thanks, Mary. A tremendous help, I didn't know about the length issues. Yes, I agree with what you say. Also, don't worry about continued editing, the story has some other problems I should work on. I'll take it down soon.
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Hey Brad, you're very welcome, so happy to help. God bless you, my friend. And I did read some more -- very, very interesting. I look forward to reading more of your stories, eventually. - Mary Kay
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Whoa... lots happening in just this one chapter. I think I would come up with a way to 'transition' from one scene/setting to another as it is quite jarring for the reader to have to stop and backtrack and see where they're supposed to be now. Also, some grammatical catches below (I quit when it became too time-consuming with the 'up and down' scrolling... ;) A great chapter here... ;) Thanx for sharing! ;)
me forever Uri. --> me forever, Uri.
Honrich?" I am --> Honrich? I am
holding, and took up --> holding and took up
hands. "See this piping system Honrich," he said to the man. "It took --> hands. [new para here] "See this piping system, Honrich?" He said to the man. "It took
schedule Honrich. --> schedule, Honrich.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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Whoa... lots happening in just this one chapter. I think I would come up with a way to 'transition' from one scene/setting to another as it is quite jarring for the reader to have to stop and backtrack and see where they're supposed to be now. Also, some grammatical catches below (I quit when it became too time-consuming with the 'up and down' scrolling... ;) A great chapter here... ;) Thanx for sharing! ;)
me forever Uri. --> me forever, Uri.
Honrich?" I am --> Honrich? I am
holding, and took up --> holding and took up
hands. "See this piping system Honrich," he said to the man. "It took --> hands. [new para here] "See this piping system, Honrich?" He said to the man. "It took
schedule Honrich. --> schedule, Honrich.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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Thanks, YM. Actually, it's not a book, its a two part short story. I'm going to take it down, the reviews are killing me.
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Oh, no.... maybe post it in smaller portions with a more careful eye up front....? Sounds like a good bit of intrigue...
Take care out there, Brad! ;) Yvette
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I went back and smoothed out the transitions, as you noted. I also pointed out this is a two-part short story, not a book. The second part will help to bring the story to focus. I hope. One person actually gave me just one star. :>(
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One star? WTH? Superficial editting does not merit one star... geeeyah!! Wonder how much writing that 'one-star-wonder' actually does? ;) :) :) Well, I, for one, look forward to the conclusion! ;) Yvette
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It was Elizabeth Scott. I was polite, but I questioned her that she appeared to have just skimmed over the reading.
Comment from ElizabethScott
The story has an interesting and unique setting. It was very easy to picture the setting and follow the storyline. Where it falls short is that there is a heavier focus on the process and equipment necessary to make wine over the crime itself. More emphasis is needed on character development and there is a lack of mystery and intrigue. Without an investment in the character and with the complete transparency of how and why the murder occurred, the reader doesn't have motivation to read what is going to happen next for this family.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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The story has an interesting and unique setting. It was very easy to picture the setting and follow the storyline. Where it falls short is that there is a heavier focus on the process and equipment necessary to make wine over the crime itself. More emphasis is needed on character development and there is a lack of mystery and intrigue. Without an investment in the character and with the complete transparency of how and why the murder occurred, the reader doesn't have motivation to read what is going to happen next for this family.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2021
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Are you going to read the second chapter? You must have just skimmed over it? Also, this is not a book, its a two chapter short story.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This is a large fiction has good taletelling about Uri's full bodied wine, braced by good dialogues, balanced plot development to thematic maturation, catchy beginning and resolved ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2020
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This is a large fiction has good taletelling about Uri's full bodied wine, braced by good dialogues, balanced plot development to thematic maturation, catchy beginning and resolved ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 16-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2020
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Thank you for your thoughtful review. My story took weeks of writing and editing. To receive positive feedback from you is a fantastic reward. Thank you again.
Comment from elchupakabra
This is great stuff so far, I look forward to reading more. You've done a good job here setting up your characters and I thought the dialogue was well done. On to the next chapter. Thanks for sharing, later daze.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2020
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This is great stuff so far, I look forward to reading more. You've done a good job here setting up your characters and I thought the dialogue was well done. On to the next chapter. Thanks for sharing, later daze.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2020
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Many thanks again. Please forgive a few minor errors, I haven't had time to correct them yet.
Comment from Lucy de Welles
Hi Brad,
Story interesting. Subject unusual, causing reader to have to adjust mentally during read--effective tool for hooking the imagination. Fast paced, consistent flow from start to finish. Solid idea wrap-ups. Characters interacting consistent to obligations of this genre.
Comments on conversationing: I can see (and hear in my mind) in the writing, where the Czech accent is coming through, in the back and forth banter between Uri and Honrich, and Uri and Kat. It is my opinion, that Kat is the most culturally learned person, and that her English conversational structure would be the smoothest of the three. Almost perfect, even, because she has such attention to detail, and the business end of the operation is her speciality. She cares the most about interfacing with the customers properly.
So, I think that you could make Uri and Honrich's English word flow a bit more raw. Choppy. And, a light smoothing of Kat's--not much though on hers.
Honrich shook his finger in Uri's face, "You accomplish nothing....." (he would say it like this)
Instead of : "You haven't accomplished anything...." (he wouldn't say it like this). These guys are first generational immigrants.
You've done a great job at doing this in most of the conversations between the Czech's, just needs a bit more refining. Clarifying, if you will :)
Changes in conversationality pack a huge punch, even if it's subconscious to the reader...They don't know, but they do know :)
"Let them ask (,) Uri."
Officer Mallory calls dead friend, "Honrich Bablonski." Wrong last name!
Somewhere I saw one "its" that needs to be an "it's"- can use the grammar checker.
Chapter Title (the one above your name) is incorrectly spaced. Needs extra space between first and second word.
I adore Strunk and White's ideas on apostrophe's, but it's not mainstream today. Perhaps "Uri's" might be better received.
My opinion: "Behind every fine wine is an untold tale." Yes, but too boring for this exciting story. Much more powerful impact, if phrase was a question. And, then your chapter answers it.
Also, the explanation that comes after the story, matches perfectly with "A Walk in the Clouds." But, after reading all that was above it, one gets a bit angry, since the main point of this story is murder (albeit accidentally), debt, fear, cover-up, deception, lies, hypertension, death, meanness to innocent employees etc. More than a touch, of greed. Where is the passion and artistry of the viniferous process? It's in the Clouds, of course.
Oh. I really loved the way you portray and develop and present Andre. Excellent interactions, suspense, conversations, his view of his employers, his emotions, the misunderstanding, Kat smoothing things over. I think he is my favorite character so far. He really does love his job...
Thank you for the excellent read.
Well done!
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2020
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Hi Brad,
Story interesting. Subject unusual, causing reader to have to adjust mentally during read--effective tool for hooking the imagination. Fast paced, consistent flow from start to finish. Solid idea wrap-ups. Characters interacting consistent to obligations of this genre.
Comments on conversationing: I can see (and hear in my mind) in the writing, where the Czech accent is coming through, in the back and forth banter between Uri and Honrich, and Uri and Kat. It is my opinion, that Kat is the most culturally learned person, and that her English conversational structure would be the smoothest of the three. Almost perfect, even, because she has such attention to detail, and the business end of the operation is her speciality. She cares the most about interfacing with the customers properly.
So, I think that you could make Uri and Honrich's English word flow a bit more raw. Choppy. And, a light smoothing of Kat's--not much though on hers.
Honrich shook his finger in Uri's face, "You accomplish nothing....." (he would say it like this)
Instead of : "You haven't accomplished anything...." (he wouldn't say it like this). These guys are first generational immigrants.
You've done a great job at doing this in most of the conversations between the Czech's, just needs a bit more refining. Clarifying, if you will :)
Changes in conversationality pack a huge punch, even if it's subconscious to the reader...They don't know, but they do know :)
"Let them ask (,) Uri."
Officer Mallory calls dead friend, "Honrich Bablonski." Wrong last name!
Somewhere I saw one "its" that needs to be an "it's"- can use the grammar checker.
Chapter Title (the one above your name) is incorrectly spaced. Needs extra space between first and second word.
I adore Strunk and White's ideas on apostrophe's, but it's not mainstream today. Perhaps "Uri's" might be better received.
My opinion: "Behind every fine wine is an untold tale." Yes, but too boring for this exciting story. Much more powerful impact, if phrase was a question. And, then your chapter answers it.
Also, the explanation that comes after the story, matches perfectly with "A Walk in the Clouds." But, after reading all that was above it, one gets a bit angry, since the main point of this story is murder (albeit accidentally), debt, fear, cover-up, deception, lies, hypertension, death, meanness to innocent employees etc. More than a touch, of greed. Where is the passion and artistry of the viniferous process? It's in the Clouds, of course.
Oh. I really loved the way you portray and develop and present Andre. Excellent interactions, suspense, conversations, his view of his employers, his emotions, the misunderstanding, Kat smoothing things over. I think he is my favorite character so far. He really does love his job...
Thank you for the excellent read.
Well done!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2020
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Wow, Lucy. Your reply is longer than many stories on this site, and better written! First, thanks for finding the errors, that's my Achilles.
When I sat down to write this, all these characters showed up by magic and began performing, I had no control over them. But Andre, was patterned after a real vintner named Bill, a highly respected wine grower here in the valley. I needed his expertise, I just moved here and knew nothing of wine growing. I started this story as a murder mystery with Kat and Uri the ruthless killers, but soon as they developed, I fell in love with them. I just could'nt arrest them. So I made them more victim, than killers, and gave them a passioned escape. They were still punished in a way, but they found solace in realizing their dream's continuation. I based the accents on a Hungarian shopkeeper I met, his favorite expression was..."I tell for you now." He was a gold mine of material.
Yes, Kat, is the calm thinker, she would come from a more sophisticated part of old Chetsnia. Uri is a Bohemian charging bull. I borrowed the two detectives from another story about murder in a famous hotel in downtown Vancouver.
Many thanks
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Yes. Steven King says that writing is like sitting out on a dark plain. One by one your characters emerge from the darkness, each one carrying a log. If you are lucky, by the end of their story, they will be standing contented around the blazing bonfire.
Also, he says writing is like a red string emerging from a hole in the baseboard. You just pull on it, and see what's at the end.
Same with me. My characters just come and start talking. When I'm done typing, then I go back and read what they told me. It's fascinating! Isn't it?
He also says that the finished novel is like a dead skin. All the enjoyment and growth is in the process. Joy is in the journey.
I don't read his genre, but he is an amazingly sensitive and intellegent lecturer on the art of writing. A deep human. You can find a couple of lectures on U-tube.
Passed 60,000 words on my novel this morning. So fun...spending time with these characters.
This year I studied a little bit about wine making, found it amazingly fascinating. It has so many things to teach on many different levels.
I discovered the old movie on U-tube about Champagne Charlie. What a character he was. True story. One can go to France and the visit the limestone grottos where his still-continuing operation, stores it's bottles. It's on the list of World Wonders (whatever that's called...). A must see. On my list.
Of course, A Walk in the Clouds is one of the best wine movies ever :)
Thanks for the inspirational chat. Have a great day.
Lucy
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Hi, much to do now, must follow up on your references. It's strange, I've never read King, obviously I've missed much!!! Also, working on a better caption, agreed, it needs more punch.
Good luck on your novel, I know the work involved, I've got half of one, finished and I'm scared to death of it now. Must find courage.
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I've never read King either. But I don't float in that genre, but you do! King's wife actually fished "Carrie" out of the garbage pail. And, then, they made a movie out of it, and he was a star!
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That wild, I'd throw my computer in the garbage if I thought what was in it it would become a movie :>)
My daughter loves his writing. She's wondering why I haven't read him yet. Seen every movie though. Must read your writing also.
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Anne Rice says: "Reach for the fire from heaven." She says it in every lecture.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Bang - crime number twoð???these people mean business wine business of course. The police will not be fooled, will see if the police will be part of lot 4
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Bang - crime number twoð???these people mean business wine business of course. The police will not be fooled, will see if the police will be part of lot 4
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Glad you liked the start. Chapter 2 is on the site now. Theres a crime under investigation for sure.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a most gripping writing from beginning to end. Your imagination is deep and rich. You have a way with words no matter what the subject is. Great story! You had me hooked from beginning to end.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
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This is a most gripping writing from beginning to end. Your imagination is deep and rich. You have a way with words no matter what the subject is. Great story! You had me hooked from beginning to end.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
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Thank you Rebecca, I owe you even more. I have been so busy with everything i need to slow down, rest and read. I wrote this story a year ago, and finally found the time to throw it on. So I will read now.
Comment from roof35
I absolutely loved this story. Great writing, great ending, great wine details. I think there will be a second chapter and I will look forward to reading it. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
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I absolutely loved this story. Great writing, great ending, great wine details. I think there will be a second chapter and I will look forward to reading it. Nicely done.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
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I had sent you a message on the notice of the 6 stars. Wow, Thank you so much. As I said the second chapter i just loaded when I got your message. I wrote this story about the place I live in, Oliver BC, the heart of wine country for Canada. I interviewed a local Vintner who is famous in this area, he supplied me with the art of the grape knowledge.
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I will be sure to read it.
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Thanks. let me know if you like the ending.
