The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Thunder on the Range"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
11 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Though you know how I love these historical fiction accounts - and I do love your writing, too, I really had a problem with this chapter, my friend. And I hope you know I do not like saying that.
Not sure what happened here. But - no worries - robyn to the rescue! hahaha You're always either gonna love me or hate me, but I'm gonna run by - if possible and share my thoughts. I certainly do think this project is valuable and I really want it to succeed.
I've made you some notes - but as usual, keep what you like and toss the rest.
1.) "Do you still talk to (your) husband beneath the old oak tree?"
2.) were somewhat deeper, between him in the creator.
--> and the Creator
-->??
3.) "I hate what war does to men. They leave with a world of color and then come back where all is gray."
--> I don't understand who is saying this. If it's just her thoughts, they don't need quotation marks
4.) "(Your) husband. He didn't deserve to die."
5.) I reckoned, I left something in the air to ruminate on
--> no comma
6.) By daybreak I kissed my sleeping son goodbye and saddled up (either:)
--> By daybreak I (had) kissed my sleeping son goodbye and saddled up (-or-)
--> (At) daybreak I kissed my sleeping son goodbye and saddled up
7.) We trekked through trickling creeks until we could see the Rocky Mountains looming in the distance
--> the Rocky Mountains are pretty big -- she couldn't see them the whole time?
--> maybe they -grew larger?
8.) I kept a keen eye on Jake. He looked so far away,
--> Actually, it sounded like she had left him home to think on things... it surprised me to discover he had come along. Also, I'm kinda confused on how bad HIS head/ confusion is. Seems he can get along with daily life okay - He's riding along with them on a buffalo -- is this a hunt? Which is dangerous - anything to do with getting near buffalo is dangerous... you wouldn't take a simple-minded person there. I'm thinking his state of mind needs better explanation. Have I missed something?
9.) He looked so far away, further than the clouds (on) the mountains
--> also - use 'farther' for distances
10.) I would have given him my farm to know where his mind lived. If only he knew how much I was ready to be with him.
--> okay - this really doesn't wash with me. first of all, protecting and saving the ranch has been the WHOLE POINT OF THE STORY. Secondly, what's made her change her mind about him all of a sudden? This makes her seem awfully fickle to me. Now that she cant have him, she wants him? I don't get it. To me, there needs to be some catalyst - a REASON she would suddenly have this change of heart. Again -- did I miss something?
11.) Thaddeus stuck a foot in his stirrup and lifted away from his horse
--> a couple sentences before, Thad 'lifted from his saddle'
12.) "Miss Taylor, I sure do, got more than precious stone. I got my freedom."
--> "Miss Taylor, I sure do got more than precious stone. ... I got my freedom."
13.) (")Does the ground shake like an earthquake before you even lay eyes on a buffalo?"
14.) "He's listening for the (b)uffalo."
--> it seems like she shouldn't be too shocked by this if she understands that the land shakes -- maybe this question or info should come AFTER the Indian does this?
15.) The bison stormed through, threatening to overrun us while hunkered down in the creek bed.
--> The bison stormed through, threatening to overrun us though we hunkered down in the creek bed.
--> otherwise, both could refer to the buffalo
16.) but then they pulled back and looked at each other with an astonished look.
--> but then they pulled back and gave each other astonished looks.
17.) The herd stirred beyond the bluff.
--> 'stirred' ? - what does that mean? are you saying they calmed? They were stampeding - so obviously they were 'stirring' - to say the least
--> 'beyond the bluff' would be thin air, wouldn't it? Like -- oops, bye, bye. buffalo...? I don't see how they could SEE them stirring
18.) Thad reached over to his horse and pulled his (H)enry rifle from its sleeve.
19.) I whispered(, ")We build fences where the buffalo roam(,) too."
20.) Also don't understand this hunting combo. As I understand it, Plains Indians had certain ways of hunting buffalo. If they were using the cliff method, they wouldn't waste those precious arrows, right? They didn't need to if they were simply driving the beasts over the edge of the bluffs. (Although I also thought they had someone dressed up to lure the animals and others dressed up to chase them or something...????)
Okay - that's it. Hope this helps. On to the next chapter. Thanks!
Thad reached over to his horse and pulled his henry rifle from its sleeve.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Stan,
Though you know how I love these historical fiction accounts - and I do love your writing, too, I really had a problem with this chapter, my friend. And I hope you know I do not like saying that.
Not sure what happened here. But - no worries - robyn to the rescue! hahaha You're always either gonna love me or hate me, but I'm gonna run by - if possible and share my thoughts. I certainly do think this project is valuable and I really want it to succeed.
I've made you some notes - but as usual, keep what you like and toss the rest.
1.) "Do you still talk to (your) husband beneath the old oak tree?"
2.) were somewhat deeper, between him in the creator.
--> and the Creator
-->??
3.) "I hate what war does to men. They leave with a world of color and then come back where all is gray."
--> I don't understand who is saying this. If it's just her thoughts, they don't need quotation marks
4.) "(Your) husband. He didn't deserve to die."
5.) I reckoned, I left something in the air to ruminate on
--> no comma
6.) By daybreak I kissed my sleeping son goodbye and saddled up (either:)
--> By daybreak I (had) kissed my sleeping son goodbye and saddled up (-or-)
--> (At) daybreak I kissed my sleeping son goodbye and saddled up
7.) We trekked through trickling creeks until we could see the Rocky Mountains looming in the distance
--> the Rocky Mountains are pretty big -- she couldn't see them the whole time?
--> maybe they -grew larger?
8.) I kept a keen eye on Jake. He looked so far away,
--> Actually, it sounded like she had left him home to think on things... it surprised me to discover he had come along. Also, I'm kinda confused on how bad HIS head/ confusion is. Seems he can get along with daily life okay - He's riding along with them on a buffalo -- is this a hunt? Which is dangerous - anything to do with getting near buffalo is dangerous... you wouldn't take a simple-minded person there. I'm thinking his state of mind needs better explanation. Have I missed something?
9.) He looked so far away, further than the clouds (on) the mountains
--> also - use 'farther' for distances
10.) I would have given him my farm to know where his mind lived. If only he knew how much I was ready to be with him.
--> okay - this really doesn't wash with me. first of all, protecting and saving the ranch has been the WHOLE POINT OF THE STORY. Secondly, what's made her change her mind about him all of a sudden? This makes her seem awfully fickle to me. Now that she cant have him, she wants him? I don't get it. To me, there needs to be some catalyst - a REASON she would suddenly have this change of heart. Again -- did I miss something?
11.) Thaddeus stuck a foot in his stirrup and lifted away from his horse
--> a couple sentences before, Thad 'lifted from his saddle'
12.) "Miss Taylor, I sure do, got more than precious stone. I got my freedom."
--> "Miss Taylor, I sure do got more than precious stone. ... I got my freedom."
13.) (")Does the ground shake like an earthquake before you even lay eyes on a buffalo?"
14.) "He's listening for the (b)uffalo."
--> it seems like she shouldn't be too shocked by this if she understands that the land shakes -- maybe this question or info should come AFTER the Indian does this?
15.) The bison stormed through, threatening to overrun us while hunkered down in the creek bed.
--> The bison stormed through, threatening to overrun us though we hunkered down in the creek bed.
--> otherwise, both could refer to the buffalo
16.) but then they pulled back and looked at each other with an astonished look.
--> but then they pulled back and gave each other astonished looks.
17.) The herd stirred beyond the bluff.
--> 'stirred' ? - what does that mean? are you saying they calmed? They were stampeding - so obviously they were 'stirring' - to say the least
--> 'beyond the bluff' would be thin air, wouldn't it? Like -- oops, bye, bye. buffalo...? I don't see how they could SEE them stirring
18.) Thad reached over to his horse and pulled his (H)enry rifle from its sleeve.
19.) I whispered(, ")We build fences where the buffalo roam(,) too."
20.) Also don't understand this hunting combo. As I understand it, Plains Indians had certain ways of hunting buffalo. If they were using the cliff method, they wouldn't waste those precious arrows, right? They didn't need to if they were simply driving the beasts over the edge of the bluffs. (Although I also thought they had someone dressed up to lure the animals and others dressed up to chase them or something...????)
Okay - that's it. Hope this helps. On to the next chapter. Thanks!
Thad reached over to his horse and pulled his henry rifle from its sleeve.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Excuse my slowness in reviewing. Excellent description and balance of dialogue with action. I only found little things to fix:
"Do you still talk to you're husband beneath the old oak tree?"
change 'you're' to your
I feared his scars besides the one on his head were somewhat deeper, between him in the creator.
I think you mean: between him and his Creator.
"You're husband. He didn't deserve to die."
change You're to Your
He's listening for the Buffalo."
I would un-capitalize buffalo
I whispered. We build fences where the buffalo roam too."
I whispered, "We build fences where the buffalo roam, too."
One of these days when I get where I need to go, a honey-colored mare sounds mighty nice to have, too.
 |
Excuse my slowness in reviewing. Excellent description and balance of dialogue with action. I only found little things to fix:
"Do you still talk to you're husband beneath the old oak tree?"
change 'you're' to your
I feared his scars besides the one on his head were somewhat deeper, between him in the creator.
I think you mean: between him and his Creator.
"You're husband. He didn't deserve to die."
change You're to Your
He's listening for the Buffalo."
I would un-capitalize buffalo
I whispered. We build fences where the buffalo roam too."
I whispered, "We build fences where the buffalo roam, too."
One of these days when I get where I need to go, a honey-colored mare sounds mighty nice to have, too.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2020
Comment from royowen
Loved the story, the time period is set in the civil war period, when people were getting ready to move west after the war, and troubles with the Indians were starting to a bad existence, or lack of it from the goldseekers and settlers. Well done my friend, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Typo : you('re)r husband. 2 : I start (taken) my thoughts to the Lord. Taking? 3: We (road) west. Rode? 4 got more than (a) precious stone.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2020
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Loved the story, the time period is set in the civil war period, when people were getting ready to move west after the war, and troubles with the Indians were starting to a bad existence, or lack of it from the goldseekers and settlers. Well done my friend, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Typo : you('re)r husband. 2 : I start (taken) my thoughts to the Lord. Taking? 3: We (road) west. Rode? 4 got more than (a) precious stone.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2020
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Thanks for your gracious words and support!
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Well done
Comment from Mastery
Hi Stan. This chapter is so very well written. You have come a long way with learning the benefit an difference between "Telling" and "Showing" my friend.
Not only that, but you are doing a masterful job with painting images. Like this for instance:
"We let our horses drink from a gentle flowing creek below a grassy bluff, a creek so clear we could see a reflection of ourselves beneath the gleaming sun."
Brilliant, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Hi Stan. This chapter is so very well written. You have come a long way with learning the benefit an difference between "Telling" and "Showing" my friend.
Not only that, but you are doing a masterful job with painting images. Like this for instance:
"We let our horses drink from a gentle flowing creek below a grassy bluff, a creek so clear we could see a reflection of ourselves beneath the gleaming sun."
Brilliant, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 29-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Wow. Thanks, Bob!
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Good job, my friend. : ) Bob
Comment from Mistydawn
I hope the shot didn't stir up any trouble. Your story is very well-written, interesting start to finish. Suspenseful at the end. Your character their actions, dialogue seemed realistic, really brought them to life. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
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I hope the shot didn't stir up any trouble. Your story is very well-written, interesting start to finish. Suspenseful at the end. Your character their actions, dialogue seemed realistic, really brought them to life. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
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Thanks Misty. I appreciate your patience with me and your steadfast reviews. Stan
Comment from BethShelby
This is a an interesting and well-written chapter. Jane is starting to have feeling for Jake and is ready to put her grief behind her. I hope Jake will recover his memory. I hope by Jake shooting a buffalo that doesn't mean trouble with the Indians. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
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This is a an interesting and well-written chapter. Jane is starting to have feeling for Jake and is ready to put her grief behind her. I hope Jake will recover his memory. I hope by Jake shooting a buffalo that doesn't mean trouble with the Indians. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Beth. I'm trying to play catch up with my reviewing too. Truly appreciate your support. Stan
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Yep, I go out of town for two days and I come back with thirty-five thing I need to read.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
Oh, such a great story. I was glued from beginning to end!
A cloud formed. The stamped (stampede) was on. Something had scared the herd. And they headed toward us!
Redhawk pointed and confirmed a thunderous heard (herd) in the distance, drawing closer.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Oh, such a great story. I was glued from beginning to end!
A cloud formed. The stamped (stampede) was on. Something had scared the herd. And they headed toward us!
Redhawk pointed and confirmed a thunderous heard (herd) in the distance, drawing closer.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Thanks again, Rebecca!
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You're we;come!
Comment from Anne-Marie brison
Dear author,
Wow!!!!!! What an excellent piece of work!!!!! Thanks sooo much for sharing this with Fanstory!!!! Awesome job!!!! Keep writing!!!!
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Dear author,
Wow!!!!!! What an excellent piece of work!!!!! Thanks sooo much for sharing this with Fanstory!!!! Awesome job!!!! Keep writing!!!!
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Thanks so much, Anne-Marie. I don't think I've ever had a more enthusiastic review. You have really helped to spur more desire to get this project completed.
Comment from Ben Colder
I am out of six but again this is a fine write and well organized. At first, I suspected there were Indians in pursuit and the idea was to run them off a cliff.
Now we will see what Jake has managed to do.
Knowing women would always be following, the wise thing to do is give the dead animal to the hunt as a gift.
Very Interesting
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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I am out of six but again this is a fine write and well organized. At first, I suspected there were Indians in pursuit and the idea was to run them off a cliff.
Now we will see what Jake has managed to do.
Knowing women would always be following, the wise thing to do is give the dead animal to the hunt as a gift.
Very Interesting
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Wow, Ben. You read my writing mind. Jake's intentions were pure, and since he's been nearly dead once, he takes more chances, but will gift the animal bringing together one of those few moments of peace and good will once lacking. I needed to do more research regarding the Cheyenne.
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U =Tube has a few videos you may find interesting. The young man TWO MOONS mentioned in my story is there as well. He was the one Congress used for the emblem on the Indian Head penny and nickle.
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I will check it out while it is fresh on my mind.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Another reminder of how hard life was like in the wild west, when the fight for survival was more than a territorial thing. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Another reminder of how hard life was like in the wild west, when the fight for survival was more than a territorial thing. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Iza. Stories of hard life and true grit attract me. I so admire how they found fondness in life, despite such hardships.
