Denise and Mousie
a rose story8 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
This was an entertaining story and kept my interest. I liked the Cinderella-like story and the mouse-Prince. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
Give me the ring, or I kill your right here, (you)
I'm not sure what you meant by the last sentence:
"masquerade that I pull out." (pulled off ? ) Perhaps you meant that Geronimo was the one that organized the whole thing?
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This was an entertaining story and kept my interest. I liked the Cinderella-like story and the mouse-Prince. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
Give me the ring, or I kill your right here, (you)
I'm not sure what you meant by the last sentence:
"masquerade that I pull out." (pulled off ? ) Perhaps you meant that Geronimo was the one that organized the whole thing?
Comment Written 08-Aug-2020
Comment from Ric Myworld
Fun read. One of those out of the ordinary and cute stories that helps to pass this lazy afternoon. Now, I just wish I had a six left to reward it properly. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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Fun read. One of those out of the ordinary and cute stories that helps to pass this lazy afternoon. Now, I just wish I had a six left to reward it properly. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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Thank you so much for your precious and uplifting feedback and I really appreciate your honesty and the virtual high six:).
Comment from To Write Is To Live
The story, on whole, is engaging; however, the character names seem contrived, and not quite befitting the characters. The rat named Geronimo seems like a misnomer; and the mouse being named Mousie seems a bit too convenient (perhaps if the mouse's name was indeed Louie, he should have introduced himself to Denise, once Louie indicated he did not want to be called, "Mousie").
A few minor edits, when you wrote, "sparky" I believe you meant, "sparkly," as first used in, "Potato, tomato! I like sparkly things, so I took it!" Also, I believe you mean, "oops," when you write, "ups."
I did like your word picture when you wrote, "...they found the pink disguise on the floor abandoned as a broken skin... ."
Overall, I would say this was a very good first draft, with just a few minor edits and more character development needed to round out the story.
Thank you for writing and sharing, "Denise and Mousie."
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2020
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The story, on whole, is engaging; however, the character names seem contrived, and not quite befitting the characters. The rat named Geronimo seems like a misnomer; and the mouse being named Mousie seems a bit too convenient (perhaps if the mouse's name was indeed Louie, he should have introduced himself to Denise, once Louie indicated he did not want to be called, "Mousie").
A few minor edits, when you wrote, "sparky" I believe you meant, "sparkly," as first used in, "Potato, tomato! I like sparkly things, so I took it!" Also, I believe you mean, "oops," when you write, "ups."
I did like your word picture when you wrote, "...they found the pink disguise on the floor abandoned as a broken skin... ."
Overall, I would say this was a very good first draft, with just a few minor edits and more character development needed to round out the story.
Thank you for writing and sharing, "Denise and Mousie."
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2020
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Thank you so much for your rounded up review and the grammar corrections. Have a beautiful day.
Comment from writer723
What a charming little story you wrote! I really enjoyed reading it. I found it very engaging and interesting. I found myself excited to find out what would happen next and who had the ring. The chemistry between Denise and Mousie was cute and adorable. Even Geronimo had his charms and seemed to be a bit of a matchmaker at the end. I'm glad the rose was found and it saved the day.
Your story was funny in some places and made me smile. The best part was when Mousie transformed back into Louie. It turned out to be a happily ever after tale. You are very talented and skillful when it comes to weaving an intriguing story. I enjoyed the visual imagery and the masterful picture that you painted of the scenario. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2020
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What a charming little story you wrote! I really enjoyed reading it. I found it very engaging and interesting. I found myself excited to find out what would happen next and who had the ring. The chemistry between Denise and Mousie was cute and adorable. Even Geronimo had his charms and seemed to be a bit of a matchmaker at the end. I'm glad the rose was found and it saved the day.
Your story was funny in some places and made me smile. The best part was when Mousie transformed back into Louie. It turned out to be a happily ever after tale. You are very talented and skillful when it comes to weaving an intriguing story. I enjoyed the visual imagery and the masterful picture that you painted of the scenario. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2020
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Hello Mr. Writer:) thank you so much for your uplifting review, it made my day. Please forgive me for my delay in answering your wonderful feedback.
Comment from thorney
Hi there
I'm sorry, but there were a lot of silly mistakes in this rendering.
The story is good and amusing; however, it's difficult to read with all the gramma mistakes.
Instead of correcting everything I saw, I thought it was better just to copy out the story and correct it. My intentions are honourable, so I hpe you don't mind.
She was looking in all directions, frighten. The masks could hide so much. Denise comes back to search for her diamond ring, her royal sign. She had it on her finger before the dance, but then it just disappeared. That item is going to be her pass back to the palace and will keep humanity safe. Who took it, and why? Who else knew about it?
Denise took a deep breath and looked around: they all seem so happy and worry-free. They didn't know that death was waiting at the door. The only difference between life and death was that damn ring. Her mom told her not to wear it in public, but how else could she come to that Ball? The ring provided the necessary disguise to get into the room.
Obviously, somebody else knew about it. Could've been that charming masqued figure that danced with her a few minutes ago? But how did he manage to take it out of her finger unnoticed? Now she is stuck here and close to death. At midnight, the veil will fall, and everybody will disappear without a trace.
She needed an ally and fast.
-Hey, Denise, I will help you!
Denise turned towards the voice, but nobody was there.
- Look down Denise and don't scream, OK?
She looked down, in front of her feet was a small funny mouse dressed as a musketeer; it even wore a mask. Despite her dire situation, Denise found Mousie amusing.
- OK, Mousie, I hope you don't mind calling you that.
- No, I don't! I like it.
- How are you going to help me? Do you know where it is?
- I might; it was that Lady with the pink dress and the pink feather mask, I think she has it. Come this way, I saw her running down that corridor.
- No offense, Mousie, but you are dressed exactly as the person you described.
- Ups, you are right, and I even walk on two legs, right?
- Yes. I am glad that you see my point. And why will you help me? What's in for you?
- Once, I was in your shoes, plus I don't want once the midnight comes to disappear or worst to die. I am still young, you know, and I have not met my Princess yet.
- Mousie, I am in trouble right now, because of that damn Prince. He supposed to be at this boring Ball, but he never showed up!
- What a jerk. If he only knew, what beauty is behind this mask?
- Yours or mine?
- Both!
- So let's recap: pink women, feathers, mask, diamond ring, scary corridor.
- Yup, that is right. Let's go this way. Oh, I forgot to tell you she was wearing a red rose, too.
Mousie and Denise started to walk towards the dark corridor. They both wanted the same thing: freedom and to stay alive. So why not join forces? Denise thought no matter how unusual this was, she needed an ally, and Mousie seemed to be a gift from heaven.
Suddenly, they started to smell roses. Denise whispered.
- Mousie, do you think the Pink Lady is close?
- Yup, I can't forget this perfume, man, smells like trouble one-on-one! And I think I have smelled this before... in the dungeon of your castle.
- Yeah, you are right. I think I smelled this before too: the smell of death and rebellion.
- OK, forget about it, and let's focus. We don't have too much time left. Soon will be midnight, and the end of this world. I think the smell comes from that chamber, ups I meant room.
- Yup, you are right, Mousie. Let's try to approach this in silence. I want to know who is hiding behind that rose.
Mousie and Denise approached the darkroom with caution. To their surprise, they found the pink disguise on the floor abandoned as a broken skin. The rose was missing.
- Mousie, I think we need to follow the rose.
- OK, let's go. I still smelled it in front of us.
After walking for what seemed like an eternity, they saw the rose glowing and floating in the darkness.
Mousie took out his sword and screamed. "Stop right there, you filthy thief!"
Denise ran towards the rose and tried to catch it, but it burned her fingers.
- Mousie, I can't touch it, it's too hot! I think the situation is more complicated than we can handle. Hey, Lady, give me back my ring!
- The rose poses for a second and said: "Finders keepers!"
- No, you didn't find it, you stole it!
- Potato, tomato! I like sparkly things, so I took it!
- What the heck, are you a cat? My cat likes shiny things.
- Sometimes I am, sometimes I am not!
- Mousie, do something, I am tired of this charade, and we are running out of time!
- I smell rat!
- What?
- Yeah, Denise, I smell a freaking rat under that deadly rose perfume. And I know exactly who it is! Geronimo, have you drunk again? And how the heck did you manage to pass for a lady?
- Mousie, you must admit it was fun to chase me and that gives me an aura of mystery, even for a short time. You forgot that I am a master of disguise?
- OK, never mind, where is the ring? Give it back; we have only five minutes left until midnight.
- Mousie, if you catch me, the ring it's yours.
Denise, tired of this game, stepped on the rat's tail and lifting him up in the air said:
- Give me the ring, or I kill your right here, and I don't care if I disappear without a trace.
- Mousie, help me!
- Sorry, Geronimo, she means business. The faith of the entire human race depends on that sparky that you stole, you sorry bastard!.
- OK, fine, but I don't have it! It's in the pink disguise in the darkroom.
- Mousie?
- No, worries, Denise, I will be back in a jiffy with your sparky.
Mousie ran like crazy and finally got to the pink costume. He saw behind the mask the sparkling ring. He took it and put it in his pocket and ran as fast as he could back to Denise. Running out of breath, he gave her back the ring.
Denise took the ring and slowly murmured:
- Ring, ring shine your bling, shower us with your protective light. Come upon Earth and keep us safe from the darkness and grant me safe passage back to my kingdom. Mousie, thank you for your help, and you, Geronimo, please stay away from me.
Mousie fell under a spell, and floated up in the air. Suddenly, the masque fell, revealing a beautiful Prince.
Denise approached him, amazed.
- Mousie, are you Louie, my date?
- Yes, my Love. Sorry I drunk the wrong wine, and I was transformed into a mouse, but your ring broke the spell.
Geronimo whispered: "all is good when it ends well. Thanks to my theft, they finally met. Hurray, for the Ball and the masquerade that I pull out."
Regards Pete.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2020
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Hi there
I'm sorry, but there were a lot of silly mistakes in this rendering.
The story is good and amusing; however, it's difficult to read with all the gramma mistakes.
Instead of correcting everything I saw, I thought it was better just to copy out the story and correct it. My intentions are honourable, so I hpe you don't mind.
She was looking in all directions, frighten. The masks could hide so much. Denise comes back to search for her diamond ring, her royal sign. She had it on her finger before the dance, but then it just disappeared. That item is going to be her pass back to the palace and will keep humanity safe. Who took it, and why? Who else knew about it?
Denise took a deep breath and looked around: they all seem so happy and worry-free. They didn't know that death was waiting at the door. The only difference between life and death was that damn ring. Her mom told her not to wear it in public, but how else could she come to that Ball? The ring provided the necessary disguise to get into the room.
Obviously, somebody else knew about it. Could've been that charming masqued figure that danced with her a few minutes ago? But how did he manage to take it out of her finger unnoticed? Now she is stuck here and close to death. At midnight, the veil will fall, and everybody will disappear without a trace.
She needed an ally and fast.
-Hey, Denise, I will help you!
Denise turned towards the voice, but nobody was there.
- Look down Denise and don't scream, OK?
She looked down, in front of her feet was a small funny mouse dressed as a musketeer; it even wore a mask. Despite her dire situation, Denise found Mousie amusing.
- OK, Mousie, I hope you don't mind calling you that.
- No, I don't! I like it.
- How are you going to help me? Do you know where it is?
- I might; it was that Lady with the pink dress and the pink feather mask, I think she has it. Come this way, I saw her running down that corridor.
- No offense, Mousie, but you are dressed exactly as the person you described.
- Ups, you are right, and I even walk on two legs, right?
- Yes. I am glad that you see my point. And why will you help me? What's in for you?
- Once, I was in your shoes, plus I don't want once the midnight comes to disappear or worst to die. I am still young, you know, and I have not met my Princess yet.
- Mousie, I am in trouble right now, because of that damn Prince. He supposed to be at this boring Ball, but he never showed up!
- What a jerk. If he only knew, what beauty is behind this mask?
- Yours or mine?
- Both!
- So let's recap: pink women, feathers, mask, diamond ring, scary corridor.
- Yup, that is right. Let's go this way. Oh, I forgot to tell you she was wearing a red rose, too.
Mousie and Denise started to walk towards the dark corridor. They both wanted the same thing: freedom and to stay alive. So why not join forces? Denise thought no matter how unusual this was, she needed an ally, and Mousie seemed to be a gift from heaven.
Suddenly, they started to smell roses. Denise whispered.
- Mousie, do you think the Pink Lady is close?
- Yup, I can't forget this perfume, man, smells like trouble one-on-one! And I think I have smelled this before... in the dungeon of your castle.
- Yeah, you are right. I think I smelled this before too: the smell of death and rebellion.
- OK, forget about it, and let's focus. We don't have too much time left. Soon will be midnight, and the end of this world. I think the smell comes from that chamber, ups I meant room.
- Yup, you are right, Mousie. Let's try to approach this in silence. I want to know who is hiding behind that rose.
Mousie and Denise approached the darkroom with caution. To their surprise, they found the pink disguise on the floor abandoned as a broken skin. The rose was missing.
- Mousie, I think we need to follow the rose.
- OK, let's go. I still smelled it in front of us.
After walking for what seemed like an eternity, they saw the rose glowing and floating in the darkness.
Mousie took out his sword and screamed. "Stop right there, you filthy thief!"
Denise ran towards the rose and tried to catch it, but it burned her fingers.
- Mousie, I can't touch it, it's too hot! I think the situation is more complicated than we can handle. Hey, Lady, give me back my ring!
- The rose poses for a second and said: "Finders keepers!"
- No, you didn't find it, you stole it!
- Potato, tomato! I like sparkly things, so I took it!
- What the heck, are you a cat? My cat likes shiny things.
- Sometimes I am, sometimes I am not!
- Mousie, do something, I am tired of this charade, and we are running out of time!
- I smell rat!
- What?
- Yeah, Denise, I smell a freaking rat under that deadly rose perfume. And I know exactly who it is! Geronimo, have you drunk again? And how the heck did you manage to pass for a lady?
- Mousie, you must admit it was fun to chase me and that gives me an aura of mystery, even for a short time. You forgot that I am a master of disguise?
- OK, never mind, where is the ring? Give it back; we have only five minutes left until midnight.
- Mousie, if you catch me, the ring it's yours.
Denise, tired of this game, stepped on the rat's tail and lifting him up in the air said:
- Give me the ring, or I kill your right here, and I don't care if I disappear without a trace.
- Mousie, help me!
- Sorry, Geronimo, she means business. The faith of the entire human race depends on that sparky that you stole, you sorry bastard!.
- OK, fine, but I don't have it! It's in the pink disguise in the darkroom.
- Mousie?
- No, worries, Denise, I will be back in a jiffy with your sparky.
Mousie ran like crazy and finally got to the pink costume. He saw behind the mask the sparkling ring. He took it and put it in his pocket and ran as fast as he could back to Denise. Running out of breath, he gave her back the ring.
Denise took the ring and slowly murmured:
- Ring, ring shine your bling, shower us with your protective light. Come upon Earth and keep us safe from the darkness and grant me safe passage back to my kingdom. Mousie, thank you for your help, and you, Geronimo, please stay away from me.
Mousie fell under a spell, and floated up in the air. Suddenly, the masque fell, revealing a beautiful Prince.
Denise approached him, amazed.
- Mousie, are you Louie, my date?
- Yes, my Love. Sorry I drunk the wrong wine, and I was transformed into a mouse, but your ring broke the spell.
Geronimo whispered: "all is good when it ends well. Thanks to my theft, they finally met. Hurray, for the Ball and the masquerade that I pull out."
Regards Pete.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2020
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Hi Pete, thank you for your bravery and honesty in correcting my mistakes, I really appreciated:) I know by know I should know how to write in English, but I don't know. I learnt the language from TV and you can feel it:)
Comment from royowen
The spags tended to detract from the point of the story, which I think was about an enchanted ring the was stolen by a rather unkind thief who is unrepentant about his dirty deed. Well done, keep trying blessings Roy
Typo : Directions, frighten(we)2:(masquared figure masked? 3: stay (aleive) alive? 4 :(ups) I meant room. Oops? 5:i smell (a) rat. 6 : (us save) save us from...
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2020
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The spags tended to detract from the point of the story, which I think was about an enchanted ring the was stolen by a rather unkind thief who is unrepentant about his dirty deed. Well done, keep trying blessings Roy
Typo : Directions, frighten(we)2:(masquared figure masked? 3: stay (aleive) alive? 4 :(ups) I meant room. Oops? 5:i smell (a) rat. 6 : (us save) save us from...
Comment Written 09-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2020
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Thank you so much my friend for your valuable corrections and please forgive my delay.
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Well done
Comment from Vanna1
Looking (in) all...when you say who could have taken it the main character should say it, not the narrator... (What's (in) it for you... No could've be so (been)... (off) her finger... (and even had) (me) calling you that she(has) it... Reword Mousie saying once midnight comes and how would he know what ring does? Are you (a) cat. Sorry I don't have time right now to look at more. The story is good. It has a nice fantasy charm to it. However you need to sit down and proof read, before you post your work.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2020
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Looking (in) all...when you say who could have taken it the main character should say it, not the narrator... (What's (in) it for you... No could've be so (been)... (off) her finger... (and even had) (me) calling you that she(has) it... Reword Mousie saying once midnight comes and how would he know what ring does? Are you (a) cat. Sorry I don't have time right now to look at more. The story is good. It has a nice fantasy charm to it. However you need to sit down and proof read, before you post your work.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2020
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Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback. Please forgive me for my delay in answering it.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
All is well that ends well, find God if you truly search; fantastic taletelling, nicely plotted, freely flown thoughts, resolved ending; enjoyed the read; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this; wish you good luck in the contest. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2020
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All is well that ends well, find God if you truly search; fantastic taletelling, nicely plotted, freely flown thoughts, resolved ending; enjoyed the read; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this; wish you good luck in the contest. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 09-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for reading this long and boring piece:) and your honest opinion about it. Have a blessed day
