O My God and Mother Nature!
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Oh Rain!"Appreciation of God and Mother Nature
120 total reviews
Comment from edb
You are definitely the structure myster. Have you ever written any free verse, prose etc. I would just like to actually "feel" one of you poems for once. It seems like you hide behind the structure, and we are always left wondering. Just my take on things.. You are a good writer. Please, don't take offense. You are a very good writer.
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You are definitely the structure myster. Have you ever written any free verse, prose etc. I would just like to actually "feel" one of you poems for once. It seems like you hide behind the structure, and we are always left wondering. Just my take on things.. You are a good writer. Please, don't take offense. You are a very good writer.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2006
Comment from One Tooth Smile
Just a couple of suggestions:
Rain instead of it for the first line.
And instead of or, how about a different word also.
In such a short piece to use a pronoun and a contraction weakens the
overall presentation.
Just my thoughts as an old haiku hack!
Thanks for sharing,
One Tooth :)"
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Just a couple of suggestions:
Rain instead of it for the first line.
And instead of or, how about a different word also.
In such a short piece to use a pronoun and a contraction weakens the
overall presentation.
Just my thoughts as an old haiku hack!
Thanks for sharing,
One Tooth :)"
Comment Written 11-Apr-2006
Comment from Blue Boxers
Good, i know it was only 3 lines but you changed the felling in it from felling O.K to to thought, there isn't a lot you can say with a poem this size so if your reviews are really short don't worry, i liked the poem for its simplicity and shortness. Not many people do short poems but i think some of them are the best poems there are, you can't really improve it but maybe if you put a coma between uneven and through it might make it better.
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Good, i know it was only 3 lines but you changed the felling in it from felling O.K to to thought, there isn't a lot you can say with a poem this size so if your reviews are really short don't worry, i liked the poem for its simplicity and shortness. Not many people do short poems but i think some of them are the best poems there are, you can't really improve it but maybe if you put a coma between uneven and through it might make it better.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2006
Comment from ishta
This one was very hard for me to follow. I thought that what you were saying, was not captured in any tangible way, for me. Not sure what the last line is saying, thanks.
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This one was very hard for me to follow. I thought that what you were saying, was not captured in any tangible way, for me. Not sure what the last line is saying, thanks.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2006
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
You are off to a good start with this but to me it lacks description and all the lines run in together I think there are a few changes to be made to make this a little better regards Fuller
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You are off to a good start with this but to me it lacks description and all the lines run in together I think there are a few changes to be made to make this a little better regards Fuller
Comment Written 11-Apr-2006
Comment from National Scholar
This Haiku is excellent with its thoughts give a clear picture of rainy season as how rains do play roles in our lives, yes it tells about both the aspects so truthfully, so natural is the season in human living and the cycles of living – good and bad truly glimpses here. It is fully a subjective Haiku that is unusual here.
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This Haiku is excellent with its thoughts give a clear picture of rainy season as how rains do play roles in our lives, yes it tells about both the aspects so truthfully, so natural is the season in human living and the cycles of living – good and bad truly glimpses here. It is fully a subjective Haiku that is unusual here.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2006
Comment from Eklypz
You have some good ideas here and like some of the descriptions but just does not seem to feel like a Haiku to me with the lines running into each other.
The syllable count is there but just think it would feel better with compelte thoughts on each line to me.
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You have some good ideas here and like some of the descriptions but just does not seem to feel like a Haiku to me with the lines running into each other.
The syllable count is there but just think it would feel better with compelte thoughts on each line to me.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2006
Comment from jlgtiger
Interesting write, Alcreator. There is much depth in these few lines ... the metaphor of the rain can also be applied to one's life ... since changes do not often come in a measured manner.
Taken on its surface, the rain does come in a gentleness or in a torrent ... but the changes involved always seem to heal through the resilency of nature.
I liked the use of the Haiku on this one, and the reason for the four was the use of eight syllables in line two.
ruin ing nat u ral un e' ven
I would suggest ... ruin ing na ture un e' ven
Good write and suggests deep thought. Regards, Jerry
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Interesting write, Alcreator. There is much depth in these few lines ... the metaphor of the rain can also be applied to one's life ... since changes do not often come in a measured manner.
Taken on its surface, the rain does come in a gentleness or in a torrent ... but the changes involved always seem to heal through the resilency of nature.
I liked the use of the Haiku on this one, and the reason for the four was the use of eight syllables in line two.
ruin ing nat u ral un e' ven
I would suggest ... ruin ing na ture un e' ven
Good write and suggests deep thought. Regards, Jerry
Comment Written 11-Apr-2006
Comment from Mrs Jones
"It comes dancing or
Ruining natural uneven
Through time for changes "
The second line has 8 syllables. For a haiku I feel the verse should be explanatory in itself, here is not clear what you are describing, unless ...the rain comes dancing....
Cheers
Rose
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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"It comes dancing or
Ruining natural uneven
Through time for changes "
The second line has 8 syllables. For a haiku I feel the verse should be explanatory in itself, here is not clear what you are describing, unless ...the rain comes dancing....
Cheers
Rose
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2006
Comment from k2lu
Well, it's hard to really review a haiku well. Already, this is approaching the size of the work itself. Heck, I've exceeded it, even! Anyway, though I'm not sure one way or the other if the middle line is really seven syllables (I'm notoriously bad at judging such things), but I kinda liked it. With something like this, it's darned near-impossible to suggest changes without reworking everything.
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Well, it's hard to really review a haiku well. Already, this is approaching the size of the work itself. Heck, I've exceeded it, even! Anyway, though I'm not sure one way or the other if the middle line is really seven syllables (I'm notoriously bad at judging such things), but I kinda liked it. With something like this, it's darned near-impossible to suggest changes without reworking everything.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2006
