Slight Bend Led To A Landslide!
Slight Slip Turned Into A Ghastly Landslip!26 total reviews
Comment from F. William Lester
Interesting story and a good job for 75 words.
I am confused with the third paragraph. Solomon does all the speaking, but his retort to her reply leads me to think there is a piece of dialog missing. What/where is/was her reply?
Micro-fiction is tough. Every word counts and the slightest confusion can sink the best writing.
Clean up the third paragraph and you've got a good piece. Thanks for the read.
Good luck. Good writing.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Interesting story and a good job for 75 words.
I am confused with the third paragraph. Solomon does all the speaking, but his retort to her reply leads me to think there is a piece of dialog missing. What/where is/was her reply?
Micro-fiction is tough. Every word counts and the slightest confusion can sink the best writing.
Clean up the third paragraph and you've got a good piece. Thanks for the read.
Good luck. Good writing.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hello F. William Lester,
Thank you very much for your so nice comments, and suggestions backed by Good Luck.
With best wishes,
~ RP
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You are most welcome.
Comment from roof35
This is a scary story because it points how easy it is to let drugs get a hold on one. The illustration, of course, pairs perfectly as it sets the stage for your words. It is well written. This is nicely done.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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This is a scary story because it points how easy it is to let drugs get a hold on one. The illustration, of course, pairs perfectly as it sets the stage for your words. It is well written. This is nicely done.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hello Roof35,
Thank you very much for your so nice, and encouraging comments.
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from R. Hiland
Hmm. To me, the dialogue seems out of sequence making the plot hard to follow. The "slight slip" seems to be claiming responsibility for Lily's condition. It seems that Solomon's "my" might better read "slip in Your adolescence." Lily's reply--there has been none, or we aren't privy to whatever it was--makes sense of Solomon's retort. Sorry I couldn't get the sense of this.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hmm. To me, the dialogue seems out of sequence making the plot hard to follow. The "slight slip" seems to be claiming responsibility for Lily's condition. It seems that Solomon's "my" might better read "slip in Your adolescence." Lily's reply--there has been none, or we aren't privy to whatever it was--makes sense of Solomon's retort. Sorry I couldn't get the sense of this.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Thank you.
Comment from Margaret Bednar
I was a little confused with the dialogue - the way you have it formatted I thought Solomon also said "A slight slip in my adolescence". I'd suggest starting "A slight slip ...." with a new paragraph. A whole story to be pondered as that is flash fiction's purpose!
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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I was a little confused with the dialogue - the way you have it formatted I thought Solomon also said "A slight slip in my adolescence". I'd suggest starting "A slight slip ...." with a new paragraph. A whole story to be pondered as that is flash fiction's purpose!
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I am not sure that I am quite getting this story, was Lily disgraced as this sentence lets it feel:"Slight slip turned into a ghastly landslip! Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest and with your writings.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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I am not sure that I am quite getting this story, was Lily disgraced as this sentence lets it feel:"Slight slip turned into a ghastly landslip! Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest and with your writings.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hello Iza Deleanu,
Thank you for reading and reviewing backed by Good Luck Wishes.
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
That sounds like a landslide indeed. I think that those kind of friends are the kind that Lily can do without. Thanks for sharing this well written work. Well done!
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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That sounds like a landslide indeed. I think that those kind of friends are the kind that Lily can do without. Thanks for sharing this well written work. Well done!
Comment Written 07-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hello Jeffrey L. Michaux,
Thank you very much for your so nice, and encouraging comments.
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from BethShelby
Nicely written 75 word flash fiction. Nicely illustrated. Some friends to do that to a girl. I can imagine something like that could lead one to face some harsh realities.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Nicely written 75 word flash fiction. Nicely illustrated. Some friends to do that to a girl. I can imagine something like that could lead one to face some harsh realities.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hello BethShelby,
Thank you very much for your so nice, and encouraging comments.
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Bobby Cunningham
This is a very clever and creative little story that we found very entertaining. The picture accompanying this story is wonderful and makes for a beautiful presentation. Best of luck in the contest. Have a wonderful night.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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This is a very clever and creative little story that we found very entertaining. The picture accompanying this story is wonderful and makes for a beautiful presentation. Best of luck in the contest. Have a wonderful night.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hello Bobby and Millie,
Thank you very much for your so nice, and encouraging comments backed by Best of Luck.
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Mastery
Hi RP. I love your story. Very clever use of the 75 words. If you don't mind, for more clarity, I offer the following with changes.
"Wow! Still dashing, but leading such a disgraceful life, Lily?" Said Solomon.
Lily answered, "Solomon!"
"Yeah, it's me, your childhood friend!"
Eyeing her, he continued,. "A slight slip in my adolescence, you see."
Lily's reply prompted Sol to answer, "A slight slip turned into ghastly landslip!"
"During my brother's wedding," Lily continued, "my friends, covertly, made me drink drug-laced beer, and took advantage of my inebriated condition. Consequently, I'm facing the harsh realities of life."
Feel free to use some or all of it. :) Bob
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hi RP. I love your story. Very clever use of the 75 words. If you don't mind, for more clarity, I offer the following with changes.
"Wow! Still dashing, but leading such a disgraceful life, Lily?" Said Solomon.
Lily answered, "Solomon!"
"Yeah, it's me, your childhood friend!"
Eyeing her, he continued,. "A slight slip in my adolescence, you see."
Lily's reply prompted Sol to answer, "A slight slip turned into ghastly landslip!"
"During my brother's wedding," Lily continued, "my friends, covertly, made me drink drug-laced beer, and took advantage of my inebriated condition. Consequently, I'm facing the harsh realities of life."
Feel free to use some or all of it. :) Bob
Comment Written 07-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hello Bob,
Thank you very much for your so nice comments, and suggestions.
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Melodie Michelle
I thoroughly adored reading this story that everything worked so well in together;-)
EXCELLENT story!
Well written and there's nothing I would change about it;-)
I appreciate and thank you so very much for sharing and may God bless you and your family;-)
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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I thoroughly adored reading this story that everything worked so well in together;-)
EXCELLENT story!
Well written and there's nothing I would change about it;-)
I appreciate and thank you so very much for sharing and may God bless you and your family;-)
Comment Written 07-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2020
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Hello Melodie Michelle,
Thank you very much for your so nice, and encouraging comments backed by Blessings.
With best wishes,
~ RP
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;-)
