Lost
Flash Fiction4 total reviews
Comment from Roberta Lawrinsky
Good delineation of character. The guy 's complacent, has to puff up his own sense of importance, looks down on others.
Then, comeuppance! A strange virus. He tries to tell himself he likes being alone, as he copes with the virus touching his life & family.
WTH? His boss expects him to risk his life by coming in to work?? So not fair!
Not to worry-- a guy with his know -how can collect his rightful unemployment benefits while planning his new start-up company.
I find the section about the father, the brother, his wife at his side & all that --is unclear mainly because saying 'his entire existence revolved around the plant' confuses the reader-- does it refer to the father??the brother?? You can fix this easily by saying: Andy's entire existence...'
So that explains the four stars. Helpful--or you hate to get just four stars??
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Good delineation of character. The guy 's complacent, has to puff up his own sense of importance, looks down on others.
Then, comeuppance! A strange virus. He tries to tell himself he likes being alone, as he copes with the virus touching his life & family.
WTH? His boss expects him to risk his life by coming in to work?? So not fair!
Not to worry-- a guy with his know -how can collect his rightful unemployment benefits while planning his new start-up company.
I find the section about the father, the brother, his wife at his side & all that --is unclear mainly because saying 'his entire existence revolved around the plant' confuses the reader-- does it refer to the father??the brother?? You can fix this easily by saying: Andy's entire existence...'
So that explains the four stars. Helpful--or you hate to get just four stars??
Comment Written 07-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Thanks for reading zanya
Comment from Beverly A McBride
Well done story. Very timely to current situations. Given the shortness of the 500 words, you might have cut out the paragraph about his parents. We get the family reference later in the story, so it could go. I might have liked a bit more about his narcissism and self-involvement that eventually led to his feelings of having to let go than to own up to his shortcomings. Perhaps the germaphobe info earlier in the story, too. Amazing what people will do in a pandemic, eh?
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2020
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Well done story. Very timely to current situations. Given the shortness of the 500 words, you might have cut out the paragraph about his parents. We get the family reference later in the story, so it could go. I might have liked a bit more about his narcissism and self-involvement that eventually led to his feelings of having to let go than to own up to his shortcomings. Perhaps the germaphobe info earlier in the story, too. Amazing what people will do in a pandemic, eh?
Comment Written 06-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2020
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Thanks for those encouraging words zanya
Comment from sibhus
A good snippet of the chaos that we are all facing in these times. I can see a lot of Jakes out there lost after all that's happened. This makes for an excellent entry for the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2020
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A good snippet of the chaos that we are all facing in these times. I can see a lot of Jakes out there lost after all that's happened. This makes for an excellent entry for the contest.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2020
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Yes indeed - this pandemic is affecting life in all its aspects zanya
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, The beginning is solid but then things seemed to take a turn. Why was what you initially described as a guy who had together suddenly lost after seeing news about Covid-19, his collapse and fear germs. Then suddenly Andy is introduced as a star. Then suddenly again Jake's boss can't find him and Jake resigns.
I'm sorry but this story needs consistency, a clear goal, and a rewrite. Characters need development. If you only have 500 words then focus on one character with a short plot or goal in mind.
He resented others who allowed it [to] rear its ugly head in chats.
-missing word
That Friday in March 2020, Jake
-This sounds weird and throws things off.
Why not complete the date?
James uncurled his weary body from the couch where he had lain all night.
- who is James?
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2020
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Hmm, The beginning is solid but then things seemed to take a turn. Why was what you initially described as a guy who had together suddenly lost after seeing news about Covid-19, his collapse and fear germs. Then suddenly Andy is introduced as a star. Then suddenly again Jake's boss can't find him and Jake resigns.
I'm sorry but this story needs consistency, a clear goal, and a rewrite. Characters need development. If you only have 500 words then focus on one character with a short plot or goal in mind.
He resented others who allowed it [to] rear its ugly head in chats.
-missing word
That Friday in March 2020, Jake
-This sounds weird and throws things off.
Why not complete the date?
James uncurled his weary body from the couch where he had lain all night.
- who is James?
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2020
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Thanks for reading and sharing those suggestions -much appreciated zanya
