Ry's Sea Adventure
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "An Attack"A second book of Ry's adventures.
8 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Ry is amazing - a great detective, leader, planner and hopefully a good actress so that her plan to get Tre will work.
I think this post could be greatly condensed as there are repetitions in the retelling to Gabriel. Some of that like the interaction with the girls in Tre's other house, might be done in dialogue to create more variance in the narrative.
Comments/Questions. Let me know if you don't want me to note all these in the next chapters:
time frame when Ter was last seen. (timeframe)
the currant were mild blocks. (current)
orbs to cleanse and area as well (an area)
I have not had a moments peace (moment's)
over throw Gabriel's control. (overthrow)
they all floated or road sea horses (rode)
I have drifted in my thoughts, back to the journey. (Who is 'I' ?)
were loud and nosy (noisy)
with breaking and rules and (remove first 'and')
the source of his hopeful demise. (Wasn't it Tre who was hoping for Gabriel's demise? Somehow, this sentence could be re-worded.)
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2020
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Ry is amazing - a great detective, leader, planner and hopefully a good actress so that her plan to get Tre will work.
I think this post could be greatly condensed as there are repetitions in the retelling to Gabriel. Some of that like the interaction with the girls in Tre's other house, might be done in dialogue to create more variance in the narrative.
Comments/Questions. Let me know if you don't want me to note all these in the next chapters:
time frame when Ter was last seen. (timeframe)
the currant were mild blocks. (current)
orbs to cleanse and area as well (an area)
I have not had a moments peace (moment's)
over throw Gabriel's control. (overthrow)
they all floated or road sea horses (rode)
I have drifted in my thoughts, back to the journey. (Who is 'I' ?)
were loud and nosy (noisy)
with breaking and rules and (remove first 'and')
the source of his hopeful demise. (Wasn't it Tre who was hoping for Gabriel's demise? Somehow, this sentence could be re-worded.)
Comment Written 13-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2020
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Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and your kind comments and great suggestions, which I will get to before the day is done.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Good heavens! Assassination attempts even under the sea - lol! ;) Oh, I'm looking so forward to 'undercover Ry'! ;) :) Thanx for sharing, Alie -- time to turn the page and it's not there yet... :) :) Yvette
on such levels exited. --> on such levels existed.
definitely not, Tre. --> definitely not Tre.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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Good heavens! Assassination attempts even under the sea - lol! ;) Oh, I'm looking so forward to 'undercover Ry'! ;) :) Thanx for sharing, Alie -- time to turn the page and it's not there yet... :) :) Yvette
on such levels exited. --> on such levels existed.
definitely not, Tre. --> definitely not Tre.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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Thank you again for reading, reviewing and your comments and suggestions, I will correct these in a moment.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Alie. I enjoyed reading this well-described fantasy prose piece. You've explained a complicated plot well for the reader. It is a tad long and probably this chapter could be split, but works well just the same. I found a small typo here: "They sit(sat) together later that day at a time that would be considered the evening or dusk time"
Marilyn
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Hi Alie. I enjoyed reading this well-described fantasy prose piece. You've explained a complicated plot well for the reader. It is a tad long and probably this chapter could be split, but works well just the same. I found a small typo here: "They sit(sat) together later that day at a time that would be considered the evening or dusk time"
Marilyn
Comment Written 05-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Thank you Marilyn for reading, reviewing and your great comments, I do know it was a bit long but I just couldn't find a spot to split it. I will fix that in a moment. Thanks.
Comment from Bobby Cunningham
This is a very entertaining and captivating story that held our attention throughout. Our eyes and brains were eagerly pursuing every line. We didn't notice any grammatical errors or typos. Have a wonderful night.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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This is a very entertaining and captivating story that held our attention throughout. Our eyes and brains were eagerly pursuing every line. We didn't notice any grammatical errors or typos. Have a wonderful night.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and your kind comments.
Comment from Marjon van Bruggen
This could be such a fantastic story, if...there weren't so many spelling and grammatical errors! It really is so disturbing to read and stumble each time on the many errors made. This is not correct, not for you and not for the story, even not after I read your author's note. I started making notes for you to rectify, but there were simply too many. Please go over it carefully again, and edit where possible. The story is worth it.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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This could be such a fantastic story, if...there weren't so many spelling and grammatical errors! It really is so disturbing to read and stumble each time on the many errors made. This is not correct, not for you and not for the story, even not after I read your author's note. I started making notes for you to rectify, but there were simply too many. Please go over it carefully again, and edit where possible. The story is worth it.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, I will certainly do that.
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I am happy with your response and so glad you are not angry, but accepted my comments as help to better the story. First I thought to let it be, but now I'll give you what I found in the first part:
He couldn't settle due (do) to the pain.
...forth relaxing energy forth...(skip one forth)
...that it (is) was poison...
...what had (was) likely happened...
...and time was essential (of the essence)
...upon a home in the middle of nowhere (that was)
...Tex slept while he was here (when, her)
...he needed the magic (magik, you used this a few times)
There is a lot more, but I stopped making notes. Hope this helps?
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Thanks so much, I am always open and willing to learn, so no problem.
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Welcome.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, this chapter is written well, but I can't get a sense of moving quickly and more telling or narration than showing. This may be just me. If it reads fine with you and fits with the pace and feel of the preceding chapters then stay with it.
Well done.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Hmm, this chapter is written well, but I can't get a sense of moving quickly and more telling or narration than showing. This may be just me. If it reads fine with you and fits with the pace and feel of the preceding chapters then stay with it.
Well done.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and your kind comments.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I like this simply narrated something new adventure in genes and wandering passion; I have enjoyed the theme, fast plot development, good beginning and resolved ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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I like this simply narrated something new adventure in genes and wandering passion; I have enjoyed the theme, fast plot development, good beginning and resolved ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and your kind comments.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
There was a lot happening in this chapter, Alie. It hasn't taken Ry long to find out everything, now we have to hope her plan works. I think it will, it doesn't take much to understand that Tre is so vain he would want more of himself around. Let's see if this does work in reality! Well done, my friend, this was a welll thought out chapter that explained a lot by investigation. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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There was a lot happening in this chapter, Alie. It hasn't taken Ry long to find out everything, now we have to hope her plan works. I think it will, it doesn't take much to understand that Tre is so vain he would want more of himself around. Let's see if this does work in reality! Well done, my friend, this was a welll thought out chapter that explained a lot by investigation. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much Sandra for reading, reviewing and your kind comments.
