Attack of the Fifty States
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Attack of the 50 States: Arizona"This is a collection of stories tha
17 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
Bill, I have to be honest. This is not your best writing. I love the opening paragraph especially with its reference to current events. After that I see wordiness.
For example paragraph two could be shortened:
Every year our family took a week's vacation to Oscoda, Michigan where white birch and pine trees camouflaged our primitive cabin located in a hard-to-find place.
Look to reword sentences that begin with there were or was.
eg. Our rustic one-room getaway boasted an actual icebox...and a pot-bellied stove for heating and cooking.
There had only recently been barriers established to keep curious visitors from taking
(Barriers now prevented ...)
Gravity tour is a hoot. Also, like a runt pup on a hind teat.
(This sounds like our summer cottage in many respects. We had an outhouse and had to heat water for washing dishes. )
all the prep work was completed by the others. I merely picked huckleberries, went hiking (This resonates with my experience too.)
Avoid 'which'. It's an ugly word. Find it by using the word finder in Windows. Also see how many times you use 'there are, there is,)
I'm rating it a four because of its wordiness. I encourage you to try a rewrite for a second look.
Don't take offense. I'm just being honest me. :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
   |
Bill, I have to be honest. This is not your best writing. I love the opening paragraph especially with its reference to current events. After that I see wordiness.
For example paragraph two could be shortened:
Every year our family took a week's vacation to Oscoda, Michigan where white birch and pine trees camouflaged our primitive cabin located in a hard-to-find place.
Look to reword sentences that begin with there were or was.
eg. Our rustic one-room getaway boasted an actual icebox...and a pot-bellied stove for heating and cooking.
There had only recently been barriers established to keep curious visitors from taking
(Barriers now prevented ...)
Gravity tour is a hoot. Also, like a runt pup on a hind teat.
(This sounds like our summer cottage in many respects. We had an outhouse and had to heat water for washing dishes. )
all the prep work was completed by the others. I merely picked huckleberries, went hiking (This resonates with my experience too.)
Avoid 'which'. It's an ugly word. Find it by using the word finder in Windows. Also see how many times you use 'there are, there is,)
I'm rating it a four because of its wordiness. I encourage you to try a rewrite for a second look.
Don't take offense. I'm just being honest me. :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
-
That?s what it?s all about, Shari. I have fifteen other reviews lauding my genius, which only makes me question whether they actually read my stuff. I will consider your suggestions. Thank you for taking the time to give this a look.
-
I've taken a lot of writing courses. I wrote some posts on what I learned. Just passing it on. Now I hate judging poetry because I don't have any background that qualifies me, so I give five stars to stay out of the line of fire.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
This chapter delineating your summer trips gives us a view as clear as a painting. Your descriptive prose is excellent as it takes us along each path with you as well as your thoughts. It surely sounds like a red-letter year for a fourteen-year-old boy. I enjoyed reading this. The font was perfect. :)Ralf
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
|
This chapter delineating your summer trips gives us a view as clear as a painting. Your descriptive prose is excellent as it takes us along each path with you as well as your thoughts. It surely sounds like a red-letter year for a fourteen-year-old boy. I enjoyed reading this. The font was perfect. :)Ralf
Comment Written 29-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
-
Thank you, Ralf, for the positive review. I post in 22 font. Easy to read and it doesn?t seem crowded.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Bill "There had only recently been barriers established to keep curious visitors from taking the gravity tour over the side." And this: "It seems that even today, people will move past sturdy fencing to get an opportunity to fall into the canyon. (Love this humor.)
Great writing, Bill. : ) Bob
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
|
Hi Bill "There had only recently been barriers established to keep curious visitors from taking the gravity tour over the side." And this: "It seems that even today, people will move past sturdy fencing to get an opportunity to fall into the canyon. (Love this humor.)
Great writing, Bill. : ) Bob
Comment Written 29-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
-
Thank you, Bob. This one finished up okay. It?s been massaged a bit since the initial posting, thanks to the members.
-
: ) Bob
Comment from judiverse
This is turning out to be a fascinating experience. I've enjoyed your adventures thus far. Your vacation cabin in Michigan sounds like the kind of house my family lived in while I was growing up. Not fun! I love that you described having your older siblings move out of the house as one of the highlights of you high school years. Great description of your visit to Arizona and the Grand Canyon. Apparently yours were no-frills vacations. It must have been sad not to have money for those soft drinks. judi
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
 |
This is turning out to be a fascinating experience. I've enjoyed your adventures thus far. Your vacation cabin in Michigan sounds like the kind of house my family lived in while I was growing up. Not fun! I love that you described having your older siblings move out of the house as one of the highlights of you high school years. Great description of your visit to Arizona and the Grand Canyon. Apparently yours were no-frills vacations. It must have been sad not to have money for those soft drinks. judi
Comment Written 28-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
-
Thank you, Judi, for the terrific review. Yes, that trip is emblazoned on my memory for the most part. Unfortunately, a lot of the hot, sweaty, backseat-trapped experiences run together as the heat and thirst made the trip border on the intolerable.
-
You're very welcome. This is going to make a great series. It sounds like you weren't traveling in luxury. judi
Comment from Mistydawn
This is another wonderful recollection of your childhood journey. Precious memories with your family for sure. It's very well-written, interesting start to finish. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
|
This is another wonderful recollection of your childhood journey. Precious memories with your family for sure. It's very well-written, interesting start to finish. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
-
Thank you, MD
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
As I will never visit Arizona, your write brought the your summer expedition to my eyes here and I would love to visit the Grand Canyon, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
|
As I will never visit Arizona, your write brought the your summer expedition to my eyes here and I would love to visit the Grand Canyon, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 28-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
-
Thank you, Dolly.
Comment from Earl Corp
Was it like National Lampoon's Vacation? Was the trip in a station wagon? I envy you seeing the Grand Canyon, that's definitely on my bucket list of places to go. I'd do one of these but I've only been in 24 states. Look forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
|
Was it like National Lampoon's Vacation? Was the trip in a station wagon? I envy you seeing the Grand Canyon, that's definitely on my bucket list of places to go. I'd do one of these but I've only been in 24 states. Look forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
-
It was a Buick Skylark. Thanks, Earl
Comment from lyenochka
Alphabetically? Oh, then it will take much more than a minute! You got to experience all 50 states, that's cool! I was thinking it would have been terribly hot in the summer at the Grand Canyon! You father was way ahead of his time to avoid syrupy drinks back then.
:there were venders around" (vendors)
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
|
Alphabetically? Oh, then it will take much more than a minute! You got to experience all 50 states, that's cool! I was thinking it would have been terribly hot in the summer at the Grand Canyon! You father was way ahead of his time to avoid syrupy drinks back then.
:there were venders around" (vendors)
Comment Written 27-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
-
Vender is an accepted spelling, but thanks for having my back. : )
Comment from BethShelby
I enjoyed this bit of non fiction and I hope to be able to read more of it. I'm writing about the same time period but I have kids of my own at the time.
I was amused that you having to survive a trip with your family across the West. I wonder if my children found out trips a matter of survival. I think I have six stars left and if so I'll let you have it since the week is ending.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
|
I enjoyed this bit of non fiction and I hope to be able to read more of it. I'm writing about the same time period but I have kids of my own at the time.
I was amused that you having to survive a trip with your family across the West. I wonder if my children found out trips a matter of survival. I think I have six stars left and if so I'll let you have it since the week is ending.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
-
Thank you, Beth, for the exceptional review. Bill
Comment from Cass Carlton
Dear Bill, this is a very interesting account of your childhood visit to " The
Grand Canyon" I relate to your remark about things seeming more relaxed and pleasant when you're younger. So it was with me. Up to the age of 9-10 I was shooed out with the little kids, but from the age of 11 it was a different story. Still it's all part of growing up isn't it? Your father was as tightfisted with his hard earned cash as mine was. Soft drinks!! Hah!! Not likely. Find a tap!!The cabin sounds just lovely to me. We lived in a burnt out shed for three weeks sometime back in the 70s and had the time of our lives. A farmer had had a big fire on his place and then had a heart attack. So Noel and I packed the kids up nd went and stayed on his place to prevent looting. We shooed off a couple of pickups full of young ratbags, but all in all it was a marvellous adventure. It was wonderful to get back to civilization though and my beautiful gas cooker
really got a work out for the next couple of weeks. This is well written with an interesting text and a clear, factual insight into the author's feelings cheers Cass
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
|
Dear Bill, this is a very interesting account of your childhood visit to " The
Grand Canyon" I relate to your remark about things seeming more relaxed and pleasant when you're younger. So it was with me. Up to the age of 9-10 I was shooed out with the little kids, but from the age of 11 it was a different story. Still it's all part of growing up isn't it? Your father was as tightfisted with his hard earned cash as mine was. Soft drinks!! Hah!! Not likely. Find a tap!!The cabin sounds just lovely to me. We lived in a burnt out shed for three weeks sometime back in the 70s and had the time of our lives. A farmer had had a big fire on his place and then had a heart attack. So Noel and I packed the kids up nd went and stayed on his place to prevent looting. We shooed off a couple of pickups full of young ratbags, but all in all it was a marvellous adventure. It was wonderful to get back to civilization though and my beautiful gas cooker
really got a work out for the next couple of weeks. This is well written with an interesting text and a clear, factual insight into the author's feelings cheers Cass
Comment Written 27-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
-
Thank you, Cass, for this wonderful response to the story. I?m glad I struck a chord with you. Bill
