An Evening in Paris
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "An Evening in Paris chapter one"A man finds a new life after losing a dear friend
6 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
I think you have a lot happening all at once which is a great way to start a book. You have the reader wondering about who-what-why. I wonder why Pierre hasn't called the police or the ambulance and why Alphonse has directed him to meet this woman. Was Alphonse killed? Maybe some details about what condition he was in would help relay the situation.
I was a little confused with the sequence of events as we start in the cafe. Then there is a return to the past where Alphonse dies. Then we go further back at the airport when Pierre is called via the PA.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
  |
I think you have a lot happening all at once which is a great way to start a book. You have the reader wondering about who-what-why. I wonder why Pierre hasn't called the police or the ambulance and why Alphonse has directed him to meet this woman. Was Alphonse killed? Maybe some details about what condition he was in would help relay the situation.
I was a little confused with the sequence of events as we start in the cafe. Then there is a return to the past where Alphonse dies. Then we go further back at the airport when Pierre is called via the PA.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
-
Dear Helen, Than you very ,very much for this review and your comments. I wrote this as it came to me. I always seem to end up with flashbacks. The reasons for Pierre not calling the ambo or police are in the text. He always knew Alphonse was a bit "sus", but his reluctance in "getting involved" is a throw back from many years of avoiding his childhood friend's rather odd friends and behavior. The questions do get answered as the story continues. I do hope you will read further. cheers Cass
-
Okay. And it's fine for the reader to have all those questions because that's what inspires him/her to keep reading.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Cass. I think you're off to a good start, setting the scene and adding mystery right away. The main problem seems to come with use of your new computer as far as presentation is concerned. Suggest correcting line spacing and any errors in punctuation. Marilyn
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
|
Hi Cass. I think you're off to a good start, setting the scene and adding mystery right away. The main problem seems to come with use of your new computer as far as presentation is concerned. Suggest correcting line spacing and any errors in punctuation. Marilyn
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
-
Yes, you were quite right about editing.The computer is starting to settle down, but it gets a fit of the sillies every so often and mixes sentences up or something else just as annoying. Nil Desperandum.
I haven't said anything to Shaun about it yet. I thought I'd wait and see if it played up to any extreme before complaining. So he'll get an earful this weekend. We are going out for lunch SOMEWHERE so I'll have my whinge then.cheers Cass
Comment from lancellot
You must go to her. There is no one else to (help".)
- move the period inside.
When she hears that she will know you have come from me".
- same here
"She knows you. I have spoken of you to her.(")
- add
I believe this is a part of something larger, but as it is not listed as a chapter or anything longer, I must assume it is a stand a lone story as it is listed. As such it is incomplete. You need more story elements. Also, some additional editing is needed. I noted a few things above.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
 |
You must go to her. There is no one else to (help".)
- move the period inside.
When she hears that she will know you have come from me".
- same here
"She knows you. I have spoken of you to her.(")
- add
I believe this is a part of something larger, but as it is not listed as a chapter or anything longer, I must assume it is a stand a lone story as it is listed. As such it is incomplete. You need more story elements. Also, some additional editing is needed. I noted a few things above.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
-
Dear Lancelot, Thank you for your review and the comments. It shouldn't have been reviewed yet, but never mind. The episode is complete now and (hopefully) makes more sense. The next episode may seem a bit "slow" but necessary for the story. I do hope you continue to read as this is an attempt at a longer piece. cheers Cass
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
(fix the junk stuff in café--use the advanced editor function--the basic one can't handle accent marks) This is well-told in itself--you should put it in context for the reader in footnotes--I assume this is part of a larger story. Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
|
(fix the junk stuff in café--use the advanced editor function--the basic one can't handle accent marks) This is well-told in itself--you should put it in context for the reader in footnotes--I assume this is part of a larger story. Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
-
Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for your review and the five stars. Yes this is a part of a serialised story. The next part is a bit "slow", but worthwhile in the final telling. The story has ben written in its entirety so there won't be any missed bits that leave you feeling as if you've been let down. I hope you enjoy it. cheers Cass
Comment from F. William Lester
Interesting and well written. I was a little confused the first time I read it. The second time through it made better sense.
Is this part of a larger story? A chapter in a book? A scene from the story? The title: Meeting Goes Wrong, An Evening in Paris, is a little confusing. Is there is something else to this story that I haven't read or have yet to read?
What was there was good. I'd like to read more.
Thanks for the read. Good luck. Good writing.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
|
Interesting and well written. I was a little confused the first time I read it. The second time through it made better sense.
Is this part of a larger story? A chapter in a book? A scene from the story? The title: Meeting Goes Wrong, An Evening in Paris, is a little confusing. Is there is something else to this story that I haven't read or have yet to read?
What was there was good. I'd like to read more.
Thanks for the read. Good luck. Good writing.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
-
Dear William, Please read the piece through again with more text accompanying it. This will be a serialised story with a happy ending. It has been completely written so there won't be any missing bits at the end. I hope you enjoy it. The next episode may seem to be a bit "slow"but the story does pick up along the way. cheers Cass
-
With pleasure. I hope my comments were helpful.
-
Cass,
I just reread your piece. Very good. You added good imagery and the dialog is clearer. One small comment: "'The call sign is :"Keep your coat buttoned, it's cold tonight".' Alphonse's dialog requires the double quotes. The call sign he repeats needs only single quotes. "The call sign is 'Keep your coat buttoned, it's cold tonight.'" Both sets of quotation marks are outside the period with the single quote first, followed by the double quotes.
Good job.
Frank
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Inge the mysterious soul that knows Pierre from his friends stories. Who is this unknown face that will respond to the signal:""Keep your coat buttoned, it's cold tonight.' When she hears that she will know you have come from me". Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
|
Inge the mysterious soul that knows Pierre from his friends stories. Who is this unknown face that will respond to the signal:""Keep your coat buttoned, it's cold tonight.' When she hears that she will know you have come from me". Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
-
Dear Iza, Thank you for your review and the five stars. The piece wasn't meant to be reviewed at that point in time although your review dealt, very constructively with it just the same. It is a real "buzz" to arouse someone's interest. I do hope when this is posted in a day or so you will take the time to read it again. cheers Cass
