Lost at Sea
Drowning in Memory14 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is a great image. " its waters filled with the skeletons of sunken vessels." I makes me think of a fascinating show I've been watching. It is called... Drain. The computer from the new sonar testing is able to depict what the ocean bottom would look like if the water were drained. The metaphor in this story is very good. I've been told just as you said, water is symbolic of the subconscious. The descriptive imagery of the events during the storm and your strong metaphors deserve an A+. This is exceptional writing.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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This is a great image. " its waters filled with the skeletons of sunken vessels." I makes me think of a fascinating show I've been watching. It is called... Drain. The computer from the new sonar testing is able to depict what the ocean bottom would look like if the water were drained. The metaphor in this story is very good. I've been told just as you said, water is symbolic of the subconscious. The descriptive imagery of the events during the storm and your strong metaphors deserve an A+. This is exceptional writing.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank you.
Comment from DeboraDyess
Hello! Love your beginning It caught me. :) I also appreciate your author notes. Sometimes if is better to let sinking ships sink. :)
Suggestions, if I may:
scurried about desperate to >> scurried about, desperate to
Lighting danced through the >> Lightening danced through the
Nice storm description! Very vivid.
for dear life. Her cries lost >> I think these should be the same sentence, separated by a comma
A mile of turbulent water stood between her and safety. >> Nice
She saw the ship she'd been on crash into the others. Then a wave crashed down upon her, >> I think I'd try to find a synonym for 'crashed' ... too close together.
She could hear the sirens calling >> If you mean the Sirens of the Seas, it's capped.
I did enjoy the story! Best in the contest!
Be blessed,
Deb
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Hello! Love your beginning It caught me. :) I also appreciate your author notes. Sometimes if is better to let sinking ships sink. :)
Suggestions, if I may:
scurried about desperate to >> scurried about, desperate to
Lighting danced through the >> Lightening danced through the
Nice storm description! Very vivid.
for dear life. Her cries lost >> I think these should be the same sentence, separated by a comma
A mile of turbulent water stood between her and safety. >> Nice
She saw the ship she'd been on crash into the others. Then a wave crashed down upon her, >> I think I'd try to find a synonym for 'crashed' ... too close together.
She could hear the sirens calling >> If you mean the Sirens of the Seas, it's capped.
I did enjoy the story! Best in the contest!
Be blessed,
Deb
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank you!
Comment from LisaMay
Phew! I'm glad your story has a happy ending. I was feeling so storm-tossed and cold and wet and exhausted. Now I can relax, knowing she is safe. Powerful writing.
This is something we should all do: "But she kept pushing for the sky."
She could hear the sirens calling as she finally broke free.
Perhaps "sirens" should have a capital S. At first reading, I thought it might be the coast guard emergency sirens instead of those from Greek mythology.
Relief flooded her with glee, - I feel in this context "glee" seems frivolous; I didn't like "flooded" either, seeing as how the ship getting flooded was not a good thing, while here you are aiming for overwhelming relief.... maybe that should be it: "Overwhelming relief engulfed her."
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Phew! I'm glad your story has a happy ending. I was feeling so storm-tossed and cold and wet and exhausted. Now I can relax, knowing she is safe. Powerful writing.
This is something we should all do: "But she kept pushing for the sky."
She could hear the sirens calling as she finally broke free.
Perhaps "sirens" should have a capital S. At first reading, I thought it might be the coast guard emergency sirens instead of those from Greek mythology.
Relief flooded her with glee, - I feel in this context "glee" seems frivolous; I didn't like "flooded" either, seeing as how the ship getting flooded was not a good thing, while here you are aiming for overwhelming relief.... maybe that should be it: "Overwhelming relief engulfed her."
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful review.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a very good story entry for the Storm Approaches writing contest. That was a horrific storm and the girl wasfortunate to have survived. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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This is a very good story entry for the Storm Approaches writing contest. That was a horrific storm and the girl wasfortunate to have survived. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank you.
Comment from Tsukuyomi969
I was with you until I read the author note. This one was a good story, very dramatic and powerful, and while I liked the ending, I thought the idea you put forth in your note was better. I would have liked to read that story, about her diving in for something lost and seeing the underwater wreckage. That, for me, would have been a lot more dramatic and emotional. Still, this was a very good read, and well written. Good luck in the contest. Cheers.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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I was with you until I read the author note. This one was a good story, very dramatic and powerful, and while I liked the ending, I thought the idea you put forth in your note was better. I would have liked to read that story, about her diving in for something lost and seeing the underwater wreckage. That, for me, would have been a lot more dramatic and emotional. Still, this was a very good read, and well written. Good luck in the contest. Cheers.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank you. I believe I mentioned she intends to dive among the wreckage after the approaching storm. I kind of stumbled across the contest a bit late and kind of wrote it in a flash. But I'd like to expand it further. Maybe have the man beside her get swept up by the storm and have her diving to his rescue. I believe this story will continue.
Comment from Shirley McLain
A very nice story that I enjoyed reading. The action kept my attention all the way through. You did an excellent job and I didn't pick up on any mistakes. Good luck in the contest. Shirley
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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A very nice story that I enjoyed reading. The action kept my attention all the way through. You did an excellent job and I didn't pick up on any mistakes. Good luck in the contest. Shirley
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Thank you
Comment from royowen
I guess for some, parts of your life can be like a shipwreck, and nothing one can do will ever change that, for some, even death may be a little like that, have to let go, I think my mum was like that, she had so much life in her, but when she physically lost her independence it slipped away, well done, beautifully written, good analogy for life, but the rescuer of her danger was beside her. Well done, good plot great narrative, good luck, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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I guess for some, parts of your life can be like a shipwreck, and nothing one can do will ever change that, for some, even death may be a little like that, have to let go, I think my mum was like that, she had so much life in her, but when she physically lost her independence it slipped away, well done, beautifully written, good analogy for life, but the rescuer of her danger was beside her. Well done, good plot great narrative, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Thank you for sharing about your mother. My mother is in a similar place right now. :)
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Good job
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This is a very challenging and realistic description of a storm approaching and experiencing it and the thoughts the author has drawn from an image of a sinking ship; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thanks for sharing this; keep writing. Good luck in the contest. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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This is a very challenging and realistic description of a storm approaching and experiencing it and the thoughts the author has drawn from an image of a sinking ship; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thanks for sharing this; keep writing. Good luck in the contest. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Thank you.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Your story is a real surprise, when I start to read it I thought: wow, a pirate story, but the end gave me a different perspective and a clear metaphor of the storm: storm of love and stop of despair and sorrow bounded together."Three years ago, a stranger pulled her from the sea and wrapped her in a towel. Then he caught her when she crumbled and carried her to town. He stood by for the funerals and offered her his shoulder. Today he sits beside her, looking out across the sea. His arm wrapped tight around her, reminding her she's not alone. There's still a storm building before them. But they'll face it together."
Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Your story is a real surprise, when I start to read it I thought: wow, a pirate story, but the end gave me a different perspective and a clear metaphor of the storm: storm of love and stop of despair and sorrow bounded together."Three years ago, a stranger pulled her from the sea and wrapped her in a towel. Then he caught her when she crumbled and carried her to town. He stood by for the funerals and offered her his shoulder. Today he sits beside her, looking out across the sea. His arm wrapped tight around her, reminding her she's not alone. There's still a storm building before them. But they'll face it together."
Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Thank you.
Comment from Mia Twysted
This story could do with some white space. A extra space between paragraphs would help the reader not get lost when reading.
She seems so sad in this story. Her life may have changed when that boat sank but it seems to me she may have sunk with it.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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This story could do with some white space. A extra space between paragraphs would help the reader not get lost when reading.
She seems so sad in this story. Her life may have changed when that boat sank but it seems to me she may have sunk with it.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Thank you. I've added a bit more to it if you'd like to give ot a second look.
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Thank you. I've added a bit more to it if you'd like to give ot a second look.
