Twenty Percent
Sometimes there's a better offer.25 total reviews
Comment from Tsukuyomi969
That's what you get for trying to kill your brother *shrug*. This was a lot of fun to read, and when you realize the twist it's a real gasp moment. So well written, well paced, and with likeable and sympathetic characters. I actually feel bad for Norris and Aaron! Good luck in the contest. Cheers.
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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That's what you get for trying to kill your brother *shrug*. This was a lot of fun to read, and when you realize the twist it's a real gasp moment. So well written, well paced, and with likeable and sympathetic characters. I actually feel bad for Norris and Aaron! Good luck in the contest. Cheers.
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Thank you so much for your review. I am glad you like the characters.
Comment from Spitfire
Well written. Crisp dialogue. Unexpected turn of events. All story elements are here. The reason for her name seemed weak to me. Maybe instead of "vision', 'foresight' would be a better choice.You cleverly worked the word 'twenty' in again (he offered me twenty percent more)
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Well written. Crisp dialogue. Unexpected turn of events. All story elements are here. The reason for her name seemed weak to me. Maybe instead of "vision', 'foresight' would be a better choice.You cleverly worked the word 'twenty' in again (he offered me twenty percent more)
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Thank you for your review. In my rewrite I will see if I can come up with a better reason for her name. You are not the only one who mentioned that.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hi Mia. Very well done. I knew something bad was going to happen in this story but you did a great job of turning the story around. The dialogue is well written and the plot twist is creative.
Very nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
Robert
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Hi Mia. Very well done. I knew something bad was going to happen in this story but you did a great job of turning the story around. The dialogue is well written and the plot twist is creative.
Very nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
Robert
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Thank you.
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You're welcome
Comment from estory
This is one of the better stories I've read in this Twenty contest series. You set the scene there with the eerie gas station, and the high strung brothers plotting to get rid of their brother. The characterization of the edgy girl hit person comes off really well, we get her self serving motivation in her cool demeanor. Nice plot twist as the tables get turned and the brothers get shot in cold blood. An eerie macabre tale of fatalistic modern life. estory
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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This is one of the better stories I've read in this Twenty contest series. You set the scene there with the eerie gas station, and the high strung brothers plotting to get rid of their brother. The characterization of the edgy girl hit person comes off really well, we get her self serving motivation in her cool demeanor. Nice plot twist as the tables get turned and the brothers get shot in cold blood. An eerie macabre tale of fatalistic modern life. estory
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Thank you. I am so glad you liked it.
Comment from Mistydawn
What a heck of a story. It's well-written very interesting and your characters seem realistic. I love the surprise ending. Guess the two got more than they bargained for he should've listened to his gut. They say hindsight is always 20/20. Good luck with your contest.
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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What a heck of a story. It's well-written very interesting and your characters seem realistic. I love the surprise ending. Guess the two got more than they bargained for he should've listened to his gut. They say hindsight is always 20/20. Good luck with your contest.
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Thank you Misty I am glad you liked it. I had some frustration and fun writing it. I rewrote and moved pieces around till it all felt just right.
Comment from Barbaraj1
This an intriguing story. It kept me interested from the beginning to the
end. It was a clever way to tell us how Twenty got her name. Good luck
in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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This an intriguing story. It kept me interested from the beginning to the
end. It was a clever way to tell us how Twenty got her name. Good luck
in the contest.
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review.
Comment from LisaMay
You've written an intriguing story here that held my interest. Evil deeds usually get punished and the twist in the tale with this one proved those brothers would have their bad feelings confirmed.
There are several punctuation errors in your story, but another reviewer has pointed them out, so I won't repeat them here.
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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You've written an intriguing story here that held my interest. Evil deeds usually get punished and the twist in the tale with this one proved those brothers would have their bad feelings confirmed.
There are several punctuation errors in your story, but another reviewer has pointed them out, so I won't repeat them here.
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Thank you for your review. I am glad you liked my story. I will look into those errors.
Comment from Amanda Louise Davis
This was an excellent story, and I really liked the ending. It turned around on them. I think you did great. Good luck with the contest also. You'll do well.
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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This was an excellent story, and I really liked the ending. It turned around on them. I think you did great. Good luck with the contest also. You'll do well.
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Thank you. I hope to do well.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Mia Twysted,
It's a nice piece of Mystery and Crime Flash Fiction having impressive as well as perfectly matching the theme phraseology, captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end, and beautifully depicting the theme with its climax in the end which is very interesting, indeed!
Best of Luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Hello Mia Twysted,
It's a nice piece of Mystery and Crime Flash Fiction having impressive as well as perfectly matching the theme phraseology, captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end, and beautifully depicting the theme with its climax in the end which is very interesting, indeed!
Best of Luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Thank you very much.
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Mia Twysted, Most Welcome!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Margaret Bednar
Well, it is hard to feel sorry for them. A clever telling of how she got her nickname Twenty! 20% can be a lot of money. Good use of dialogue and a twist that I kind of saw coming as you hinted at it in the beginning.
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Well, it is hard to feel sorry for them. A clever telling of how she got her nickname Twenty! 20% can be a lot of money. Good use of dialogue and a twist that I kind of saw coming as you hinted at it in the beginning.
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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A little foreshadowing yes there was. Thank you for your review.
