Twenty Percent
Sometimes there's a better offer.25 total reviews
Comment from Coco Jane
Interesting twist in this story. I like the basic plot.
I think it can be tightened up a bit. Remove some of the speaker tags, and eliminate some unneeded details. For example. At the end, maybe use something like...
She pulled the trigger twice. Pocketing the gun, she hefted the backpack and disappeared into the sunset.
You have several mechanical errors. Here are a few:
In paragraph 1, you need a comma after "dwelling."
In paragraph 3, you need a period after "nowhere." Aaron says this; he does not put it into park. You have repeated this error several times in the story.
In paragraph 7, you need a period after "go" and after "paused." Aaron's quote is two sentences.
Clean these up and you'll have a good entry for the "Twenty" contest.
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Interesting twist in this story. I like the basic plot.
I think it can be tightened up a bit. Remove some of the speaker tags, and eliminate some unneeded details. For example. At the end, maybe use something like...
She pulled the trigger twice. Pocketing the gun, she hefted the backpack and disappeared into the sunset.
You have several mechanical errors. Here are a few:
In paragraph 1, you need a comma after "dwelling."
In paragraph 3, you need a period after "nowhere." Aaron says this; he does not put it into park. You have repeated this error several times in the story.
In paragraph 7, you need a period after "go" and after "paused." Aaron's quote is two sentences.
Clean these up and you'll have a good entry for the "Twenty" contest.
Comment Written 30-May-2020
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Thank you for your helpful review. I will make the corrections.
Comment from lancellot
It is a well written contest entry.
This part gave me pause:
""He inherited his mother's share while we," Aaron looked to his brother with regretful eyes, "only inherited shares from our father.""
Why would Aaron say this after Twenty pulls a gun on them? It seems odd and out of place.
Also, seems odd an assassin would do this. They wouldn't be in business for long and she knew who the older brother was, before getting his picture. Some parts were left out it seems. The set-up portions.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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It is a well written contest entry.
This part gave me pause:
""He inherited his mother's share while we," Aaron looked to his brother with regretful eyes, "only inherited shares from our father.""
Why would Aaron say this after Twenty pulls a gun on them? It seems odd and out of place.
Also, seems odd an assassin would do this. They wouldn't be in business for long and she knew who the older brother was, before getting his picture. Some parts were left out it seems. The set-up portions.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Thank you for your thoughtful review. I will look into this.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This reminds me of a story I wrote a couple of years ago. It was about a body guard who was paid to look the other way. This is an excellent contest entry. It should do well in the voting booth. Contests on FanStory are difficult to win. There are a lot of talented writers on the site. Good luck.
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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This reminds me of a story I wrote a couple of years ago. It was about a body guard who was paid to look the other way. This is an excellent contest entry. It should do well in the voting booth. Contests on FanStory are difficult to win. There are a lot of talented writers on the site. Good luck.
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Yes there are. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Goodness, as I was reading this I was thinking about the rioting which is happening in Minneapolis. Sad to say, that there is always some kind of violence when it comes to riots. too. This woman, in your story, must have liked the greed for money. She did her bad violent act! But she will be caught in your next story I hope.
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Goodness, as I was reading this I was thinking about the rioting which is happening in Minneapolis. Sad to say, that there is always some kind of violence when it comes to riots. too. This woman, in your story, must have liked the greed for money. She did her bad violent act! But she will be caught in your next story I hope.
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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I don't know. I did it as a flash fiction piece and never thought much beyond that, but you saying something has made me think about what I could do with a character like that.
Comment from Bill Pinder
I enjoyed reading this flash fiction story with a humorous twist since it is just fiction. In real life, this wouldn't be funny. But, it worked for the story. Good luck in the contest. Bill
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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I enjoyed reading this flash fiction story with a humorous twist since it is just fiction. In real life, this wouldn't be funny. But, it worked for the story. Good luck in the contest. Bill
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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That's why fiction is so great because you can do things that will not actually hurt people.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That is one very mean, clever lady. The poor boys were out manoeuvred by her and their brother. This is a really good, well written short story for the Twenty contest, it had it all in there. Well done, and good luck! :) Sandra
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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That is one very mean, clever lady. The poor boys were out manoeuvred by her and their brother. This is a really good, well written short story for the Twenty contest, it had it all in there. Well done, and good luck! :) Sandra
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Thank you for your review. I am glad you liked it.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Chilling! I didn't see this coming. Twenty-twenty vision and twenty percent pay increase. Ruthless character--still, can't feel too sorry for the guys who'd hired her for murder themselves. Good luck. LIZ
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Chilling! I didn't see this coming. Twenty-twenty vision and twenty percent pay increase. Ruthless character--still, can't feel too sorry for the guys who'd hired her for murder themselves. Good luck. LIZ
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Thank you for your wonderful review.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the Twenty Short Story contest.
This short story is well told and interesting with a twist at the end.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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I think this is a good entry for the Twenty Short Story contest.
This short story is well told and interesting with a twist at the end.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Thank you
Comment from Susan Larson
Yes, you're good at dark stories! I love your wording ""Oh, I know," she smirked, "as I said, I did my research," Twenty paused, pulling out a gun. "Your elder sibling has a far greater stock in the family business. Being full-blooded and all." which shows without previous "telling." I think this sounds like a winner.
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Yes, you're good at dark stories! I love your wording ""Oh, I know," she smirked, "as I said, I did my research," Twenty paused, pulling out a gun. "Your elder sibling has a far greater stock in the family business. Being full-blooded and all." which shows without previous "telling." I think this sounds like a winner.
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Thank you for your review. I am so glad that you liked it.
Comment from dmt1967
"This (is) him?" she said. (delete) No need and makes the dialogue sound clumsy.
"Interesting name, Twenty," Norris's voice shook slightly, "how did you (come about) it?" (get) In my opinion, the way you have written it makes the otherwise smooth story jerky.
Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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"This (is) him?" she said. (delete) No need and makes the dialogue sound clumsy.
"Interesting name, Twenty," Norris's voice shook slightly, "how did you (come about) it?" (get) In my opinion, the way you have written it makes the otherwise smooth story jerky.
Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Thank you for your review.
