It came from beneath the Barley
True story26 total reviews
Comment from F. William Lester
Very good story and well written.
I have a couple of comments I hope will help.
"No!, Not all those people,..." No comma after the exclamation point.
"So quivering in my sneakers,..." Add a comma after "So". I would suggest dropping "So" altogether and beginning the sentence with "Quivering."
"Bravely I pressed on, every sound from the night made me stop and freeze--what was that?" You have three independent clauses here. I would've written each as a separate sentence. If you choose not to, then change the commas to semicolons (ditch the em dash (double dashes)). The clause after the em dash needs to be a stand alone sentence because it is important to increasing the level of tension in the scene. Setting it off with an em dash takes away that tension.
You use the em dash 13 times in your story. The em dash should be used judiciously. It can be used in place of a comma, but usually to set off a phrase that is important or significant for emphasis. Overuse, and 13 times in so short a piece is definitely overuse, becomes distracting and it use looses its significance. The reader may put your book aside if they find it too distracting.
Good work. The story has a lot of potential. Keep it up and thanks for the read.
Good luck. Good writing.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
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Very good story and well written.
I have a couple of comments I hope will help.
"No!, Not all those people,..." No comma after the exclamation point.
"So quivering in my sneakers,..." Add a comma after "So". I would suggest dropping "So" altogether and beginning the sentence with "Quivering."
"Bravely I pressed on, every sound from the night made me stop and freeze--what was that?" You have three independent clauses here. I would've written each as a separate sentence. If you choose not to, then change the commas to semicolons (ditch the em dash (double dashes)). The clause after the em dash needs to be a stand alone sentence because it is important to increasing the level of tension in the scene. Setting it off with an em dash takes away that tension.
You use the em dash 13 times in your story. The em dash should be used judiciously. It can be used in place of a comma, but usually to set off a phrase that is important or significant for emphasis. Overuse, and 13 times in so short a piece is definitely overuse, becomes distracting and it use looses its significance. The reader may put your book aside if they find it too distracting.
Good work. The story has a lot of potential. Keep it up and thanks for the read.
Good luck. Good writing.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
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Many thanks William, I owe you. These mistakes could have cost me. I was an art director before I retired, my only writing was ad copy, so I'm leaning punctuation all over again.
I got rid of most of the Em dashes, and edited as you suggested.
I'm writing a book and will need to solve my blindness to spot these errors. My ex-partner is a writer, he said a typo is like a food stain on a new suit. The whole presentation is ruined.
Comment from Melodie Michelle
This had me totally on the edge of my seat in anticipation;-) WOW EXCELLENT job!
Good luck with the Horror contest that you have a good chance of winning my friend;-)
I appreciate and thank you for sharing this piece and may God bless you and your family;-)
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
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This had me totally on the edge of my seat in anticipation;-) WOW EXCELLENT job!
Good luck with the Horror contest that you have a good chance of winning my friend;-)
I appreciate and thank you for sharing this piece and may God bless you and your family;-)
Comment Written 30-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
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Wow, thank thank Melodie for your kind words. So glad you liked it.
Comment from Craigitar
Very well told recollection of a childhood scare! My first movie fright was, Invaders From Mars, in particular, when the sand would beneath people's feet would give way and they would be pulled underground. Your true story took me back to all the shadowy 'things' that lurked and tormented after dark. Great writing! Luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
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Very well told recollection of a childhood scare! My first movie fright was, Invaders From Mars, in particular, when the sand would beneath people's feet would give way and they would be pulled underground. Your true story took me back to all the shadowy 'things' that lurked and tormented after dark. Great writing! Luck with the contest.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2020
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Thank you for your review and stars, so glad you liked it. Yes, I remember that one, the sand thing bothered me too. I think I saw them all as a kid.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
You wrote a thoroughly thrilling story about your night of horror. It is unbelievable what the human mind conjures when it is in the throes of fear. A night you will never forget. Well done.
PS: first paragraph: bavely s/b bravely
fifth " " ran s/b run
Ralf
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
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You wrote a thoroughly thrilling story about your night of horror. It is unbelievable what the human mind conjures when it is in the throes of fear. A night you will never forget. Well done.
PS: first paragraph: bavely s/b bravely
fifth " " ran s/b run
Ralf
Comment Written 29-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
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Thanks for the stars, so glad you liked it. And Double thanks for catching the typos. I owe ya!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I could see it all happening as you told it. I also know exactly how you felt. My imagination goes way, way OTT. I think that's how authors get started. lol. I still imagine the worst when we go somewhere and it's dark. I thought this story was great, and an excellent contest entry. It was so real, probably because it was, at least, it was in the mind of a 12-year-old boy. Well done and good luck! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
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I could see it all happening as you told it. I also know exactly how you felt. My imagination goes way, way OTT. I think that's how authors get started. lol. I still imagine the worst when we go somewhere and it's dark. I thought this story was great, and an excellent contest entry. It was so real, probably because it was, at least, it was in the mind of a 12-year-old boy. Well done and good luck! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 29-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
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It's fairly real. I was one scared kid. That was my first scary movie, I felt in my gut the beast couldn't be real, but in my mind it still was.
Hard to explain. Yes, we writer types have a little too much imagination.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This is an easy said true story, fantastically formatted and structured; I enjoyed the horror taletelling and resolved expected ending; well said, well done; thank you for sharing this and wish you good luck in the Contest. Keep writing. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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This is an easy said true story, fantastically formatted and structured; I enjoyed the horror taletelling and resolved expected ending; well said, well done; thank you for sharing this and wish you good luck in the Contest. Keep writing. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 28-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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Thank you for your kind words. So glad you liked it.
Comment from Mrs. KT
Loved your story, Brad!
Of course it resonated with me; I grew up across from a Civil War cemetery, and believe me, my imagination was on "high alert" during my childhood thinking about Captain Swarthout and his greasy sons. To this day, I am not fond of being alone at night... and I blame it all on Captain Swarthout!
Tempo of story and characterization were "spot on."
Thank you for sharing!
diane
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
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Loved your story, Brad!
Of course it resonated with me; I grew up across from a Civil War cemetery, and believe me, my imagination was on "high alert" during my childhood thinking about Captain Swarthout and his greasy sons. To this day, I am not fond of being alone at night... and I blame it all on Captain Swarthout!
Tempo of story and characterization were "spot on."
Thank you for sharing!
diane
Comment Written 27-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2020
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Wow, Thank you!!! Coming from you that truly is an honor. I'll have to read up on Captain Swarthout. He sounds like a worthy ghost. But to have a cemetery of ghosts across the street! That's much too close for kids with wild imaginations like us.
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Hah!
I still have a wild imagination - after all these years!
I did write about Captain Swarthout in a poem entitled, "Up on Sullivan's Hill" and again about how he figured into my childhood in the poem "The Nights of Castle Fair." Both are in my portfolio should you like a look...
Take Care, Brad!
diane
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Will do.
Comment from ChuckB
A might fine piece, Brad. I lived that life, too, back in the 1950s. I remember seeing a couple of those monster pics, too. One was based in the artic, where an A-bomb test melted the ice that had trapped the beast. Lots of havoc after that. Yep, it was a grand adventure, all right. Many thanks for bringing back the memory! Chuck
{Edit: Do you remember seeing "Them" about the giant ants, with James Arness and James Whitmore? That was a good one, too. :-) }
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
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A might fine piece, Brad. I lived that life, too, back in the 1950s. I remember seeing a couple of those monster pics, too. One was based in the artic, where an A-bomb test melted the ice that had trapped the beast. Lots of havoc after that. Yep, it was a grand adventure, all right. Many thanks for bringing back the memory! Chuck
{Edit: Do you remember seeing "Them" about the giant ants, with James Arness and James Whitmore? That was a good one, too. :-) }
Comment Written 26-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
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You bet Chuck. There was Them, The Blob, (Silly but fun,) and The day the earth stood still. Watched em all! But Forbidden Planet was the best I think. Robby the Robot stole the show. That film still holds up today, I would love to see a decent remake of that movie.
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Yeah, FP was great and Anne Francis was a pretty lady. Leslie Neilsen as the captain. Yep. Great. Take care. CB
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Well, I found Forbidden Planet on Amazon last night. :-) It was a $3 rental but money well spent. I had forgotten about the exotic music. Very cool indeed.
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That's great, I'll have to do that. I checked it out on Wikipedia, it says the plot was based on Shakespear's The Tempest. It's in the Library of Congress as the greatest SCI pix of its era.
Comment from zanya
And this is such an enjoyable read - told with conviction from the child's scared perspective in the aftermath of the movie- the idea of the monster being finally unveiled really is an excellent device to bring it to a close - sadly I don't have a 6 left
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
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And this is such an enjoyable read - told with conviction from the child's scared perspective in the aftermath of the movie- the idea of the monster being finally unveiled really is an excellent device to bring it to a close - sadly I don't have a 6 left
Comment Written 26-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
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Thanks Zanya, you really got what I was trying to show. Things like that we never forget. Its like revisiting your childhood.
Comment from Earl Corp
This is exactly why I don't like horror movies, I have too vivid an imagination. If it had been me I would have keeled over from a heart attack. I also would have ran. Very nice job building the suspense. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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This is exactly why I don't like horror movies, I have too vivid an imagination. If it had been me I would have keeled over from a heart attack. I also would have ran. Very nice job building the suspense. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thanks Earl, glad you liked it.
