The rise of the fire devils.
A short fiction contest entry.24 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading this short contest entry. You told an entire story in such a few words. Good job. This has all the necessary ingredients of a good story. It left me wanting more. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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I enjoyed reading this short contest entry. You told an entire story in such a few words. Good job. This has all the necessary ingredients of a good story. It left me wanting more. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thank you Barbara, for your kind review.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is an excellent entry that fits into the contest requirements, without feeling contrived. On the contrary, it reads very smoothly and seems to provide a well-rounded and full, rich, story.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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This is an excellent entry that fits into the contest requirements, without feeling contrived. On the contrary, it reads very smoothly and seems to provide a well-rounded and full, rich, story.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thank you Katherine, for your kind review.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Friend,
Nice piece of General Fiction meeting the desired norms, having lucid as well as perfectly matching the theme phraseology, smooth flow throughout from the beginning to the end, and beautifully depicting its theme.
Alliteration in 'sweet smoke' seems a bit mismatched. I think so.
Good Luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Hello Friend,
Nice piece of General Fiction meeting the desired norms, having lucid as well as perfectly matching the theme phraseology, smooth flow throughout from the beginning to the end, and beautifully depicting its theme.
Alliteration in 'sweet smoke' seems a bit mismatched. I think so.
Good Luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thank you RP, for your kind review.
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W. H. Blue, Most Welcome!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
Beautiful! I think it's love. Lol! What a beautiful story. You well executed within the laid out rules for the contest. My very best wishes in this regard! Cheers and kudos!
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Beautiful! I think it's love. Lol! What a beautiful story. You well executed within the laid out rules for the contest. My very best wishes in this regard! Cheers and kudos!
Comment Written 25-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Brian Taylor1
Wow! Great story from beginning to end. I got a such a clear visual that made it flow with ease. It puts the reader right there at the camp fire, which is what all writers aim to do. Excellent ending, leaving the thought of a "to be continued" for it's next page. Very entertaining. Awesome job.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Wow! Great story from beginning to end. I got a such a clear visual that made it flow with ease. It puts the reader right there at the camp fire, which is what all writers aim to do. Excellent ending, leaving the thought of a "to be continued" for it's next page. Very entertaining. Awesome job.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thanks Brian, for your kind review.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a cute story. Yes, it is true "puppy love" that will eventually wear off and be replaced by a stronger love. Twelve years old is a lovely age to first fall in love. Well done. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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This is a cute story. Yes, it is true "puppy love" that will eventually wear off and be replaced by a stronger love. Twelve years old is a lovely age to first fall in love. Well done. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thanks Rebecca, for your kind review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Charming story! Fire devils--perfect name for them. I wonder if you made them up for this contest--I just noted the constraints listed; never would have known because nothing sounds forced as these things often do--good for you! Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Charming story! Fire devils--perfect name for them. I wonder if you made them up for this contest--I just noted the constraints listed; never would have known because nothing sounds forced as these things often do--good for you! Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 24-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thanks Liz, some call the sparks, fairies others call them devils.
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This is a great piece of flash fiction! I love your story, and the way you managed to work in all the key words so seamlessly. I can see how a twelve-year-old could have this experience and think these very thoughts -- except for the phrase, "sleep eludes me," which seems a little advanced; maybe "sleep escapes me" might work better? Your call! Also, I think it's more likely that the group had bottles of water on hand, rather than water in cups.
There are no major errors, but I suggest the following ideas for improvement, which are more in the realm of grammatical guidelines for style:
I'm twelve years old and on our annual, school camp holiday
-->
I'm twelve years old and on our annual school camp holiday
(I know "annual" is an adjective here, but it's my understanding that when there's a list of adjectives preceding a noun, the first one doesn't require a comma; also when the adjective is necessary or part of a descriptive name (such as elegant grand piano), no comma is used. On the other hand, extra descriptive words merit extra commas after the first one: "She wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini," as the famous pop song goes.
Sweet smoke and sparks leapt skyward before twisting back towards us, we called these ones 'fire devils.'
-->
Sweet smoke and sparks leapt skyward before, twisting back towards us; we called these ones 'fire devils.' (Two clauses that can stand independently as sentences are better separated by a semicolon, an M-dash or the word "and.")
My scream alerted new boy Danny,
-->
My scream alerted the new boy Danny,
Our eyes locked, I took a deep breath as my heart missed several beats.
-->
Our eyes locked, and I took a deep breath as my heart missed several beats. OR
While our eyes locked, I took a deep breath as my heart missed several beats.
Sleep evades me tonight for the first time ever, with my mind full of feelings, the name Danny is on my lips.
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Sleep evades me tonight for the first time ever, with my mind full of feelings; the name "Danny" is on my lips.
***
Your story is really so sweet and quite believable. I love it.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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This is a great piece of flash fiction! I love your story, and the way you managed to work in all the key words so seamlessly. I can see how a twelve-year-old could have this experience and think these very thoughts -- except for the phrase, "sleep eludes me," which seems a little advanced; maybe "sleep escapes me" might work better? Your call! Also, I think it's more likely that the group had bottles of water on hand, rather than water in cups.
There are no major errors, but I suggest the following ideas for improvement, which are more in the realm of grammatical guidelines for style:
I'm twelve years old and on our annual, school camp holiday
-->
I'm twelve years old and on our annual school camp holiday
(I know "annual" is an adjective here, but it's my understanding that when there's a list of adjectives preceding a noun, the first one doesn't require a comma; also when the adjective is necessary or part of a descriptive name (such as elegant grand piano), no comma is used. On the other hand, extra descriptive words merit extra commas after the first one: "She wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini," as the famous pop song goes.
Sweet smoke and sparks leapt skyward before twisting back towards us, we called these ones 'fire devils.'
-->
Sweet smoke and sparks leapt skyward before, twisting back towards us; we called these ones 'fire devils.' (Two clauses that can stand independently as sentences are better separated by a semicolon, an M-dash or the word "and.")
My scream alerted new boy Danny,
-->
My scream alerted the new boy Danny,
Our eyes locked, I took a deep breath as my heart missed several beats.
-->
Our eyes locked, and I took a deep breath as my heart missed several beats. OR
While our eyes locked, I took a deep breath as my heart missed several beats.
Sleep evades me tonight for the first time ever, with my mind full of feelings, the name Danny is on my lips.
-->
Sleep evades me tonight for the first time ever, with my mind full of feelings; the name "Danny" is on my lips.
***
Your story is really so sweet and quite believable. I love it.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thank you for taking the time. I've seen to your suggestions and it reads better now. Much appreciated. Keep healthy.
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You're very welcome; it's always a pleasure when someone appreciates my suggestions! Thank you, and may God bless you, also, with safety and good health. - Mary Kay
Comment from Raul1
Looks like Danny boy got his money's worth. A tale of fright and very humorous. Excellent work! No grammatical errors. Thanks for sharing! Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Looks like Danny boy got his money's worth. A tale of fright and very humorous. Excellent work! No grammatical errors. Thanks for sharing! Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 24-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Mia Twysted
This piece is very well done. I love how at the end of the night what is left in their mind is the new love they find themselves so fond of. That is a way to see on the good side of things.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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This piece is very well done. I love how at the end of the night what is left in their mind is the new love they find themselves so fond of. That is a way to see on the good side of things.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Thank you for your review.
