Fortune Cookies
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Automatic"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
5 total reviews
Comment from estory
I think it's an interesting study in social perception. You have all these characters assembled watching El; and his reaction to them. The sexy girl in the stands he wants to impress; his ex girlfriend and her skeptical friend challenging him; and the opponent, another man who is also challenging him. And we have his reaction, cool, calm, measured, and up to the challenge. Detailed descriptions made the scene come to life, and I liked the interplay of the action on the field and the old Wham song playing in his head, inspiring him. it really is a study in experience. estory
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2020
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I think it's an interesting study in social perception. You have all these characters assembled watching El; and his reaction to them. The sexy girl in the stands he wants to impress; his ex girlfriend and her skeptical friend challenging him; and the opponent, another man who is also challenging him. And we have his reaction, cool, calm, measured, and up to the challenge. Detailed descriptions made the scene come to life, and I liked the interplay of the action on the field and the old Wham song playing in his head, inspiring him. it really is a study in experience. estory
Comment Written 17-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2020
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Thank you for such a positive, constructive and detailed review. I hope you are able to read past chapters and hear from you as well. Thank you! :)
Comment from Anya Trofimova
I think that this piece reads very well. You strike the nail on the head when it comes to finding the balance between too much and too little description. Your characters are very believable, thanks in part to the natural and realistic dialogue. Well done!
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2020
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I think that this piece reads very well. You strike the nail on the head when it comes to finding the balance between too much and too little description. Your characters are very believable, thanks in part to the natural and realistic dialogue. Well done!
Comment Written 16-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2020
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Thank you for your encouraging review and insights. I base the story and characters on relative events. Hope you are able to read past chapters. Thank you!
Comment from lyenochka
Wow! I'm impressed with this chapter, Euell! I liked how you used the song lyrics (though I don't know the song - you might consider adding the song from a Youtube clip in your notes. You can choose to "embed code" ) and paste it.) The other thing is to keep the song lyrics single-spaced. But you gave us a great sense of momentum from the song quotes and one could feel the adrenaline and the magic of that perfect catch and throw to first base getting that cocky batter out. Wonderful job with this! Sorry, I'm out of sixes but I hope more will review this!
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Wow! I'm impressed with this chapter, Euell! I liked how you used the song lyrics (though I don't know the song - you might consider adding the song from a Youtube clip in your notes. You can choose to "embed code" ) and paste it.) The other thing is to keep the song lyrics single-spaced. But you gave us a great sense of momentum from the song quotes and one could feel the adrenaline and the magic of that perfect catch and throw to first base getting that cocky batter out. Wonderful job with this! Sorry, I'm out of sixes but I hope more will review this!
Comment Written 14-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Well noted :) I shall revise it when I arrive home. Thank you for the encouragement and support :)
-Euell
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was excellent. You paint quite a picture with him listening to music while his teammates impatiently look on. I like how you develop the story and interweave it into the story. It's quite a picture you paint. It's a fun chapter and I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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I thought this was excellent. You paint quite a picture with him listening to music while his teammates impatiently look on. I like how you develop the story and interweave it into the story. It's quite a picture you paint. It's a fun chapter and I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Thank you! It?s always encouraging to receive feedback from new reviewers. I?m very happy you found this chapter enjoyable. I hope you are able to read previous chapters to this ongoing work. Thank you again!
Regards,
Euell
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I continue to find this whole tale intriguing. lol
Be careful with your adverb usage. When you employ them, they tend to clump together in twos or threes which makes them stand out.
the girl's glassy stare that is focused- maybe use which instead of that.
"El," Alan continues, "You gotta listen to music that makes you mad. - you should be lower case here as it is continuing dialogue where the previous isn't closed off.
chiseled chin bench player - chiselled-chin, bench player
Look at your sequencing. Here for example - The baseball player steps into the batter's box, pointing at El with the barrel of his bat exclaiming, "Yo, Egg Roll! I bet you can't throw as good as you run...or dress!" - is followed a little later by - "I think your shorts are a little too tight, Rice Boy!" he laughs, stepping into the batter's box. - This shows the guy stepping into the batter's box twice on separate occasions.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Hi there,
I continue to find this whole tale intriguing. lol
Be careful with your adverb usage. When you employ them, they tend to clump together in twos or threes which makes them stand out.
the girl's glassy stare that is focused- maybe use which instead of that.
"El," Alan continues, "You gotta listen to music that makes you mad. - you should be lower case here as it is continuing dialogue where the previous isn't closed off.
chiseled chin bench player - chiselled-chin, bench player
Look at your sequencing. Here for example - The baseball player steps into the batter's box, pointing at El with the barrel of his bat exclaiming, "Yo, Egg Roll! I bet you can't throw as good as you run...or dress!" - is followed a little later by - "I think your shorts are a little too tight, Rice Boy!" he laughs, stepping into the batter's box. - This shows the guy stepping into the batter's box twice on separate occasions.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 14-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Thank you! It?s been a long while since I?ve heard from you, but I?m always excited to read your reviews! Thank you. I will make note of those errors and make the adjustments. Hope to hear from you soon! Thank you :)
Regards,
Euell
