Daughter
a dribble, 52 words32 total reviews
Comment from sunnilicious
Oh my goodness, I am completely frightened. You have to call the police and ambulance. You can't just bury a body. Was that an accident? Was that a murder?
That was creepy. Twisted as it's too open ended. Great visual imagery created. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
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Oh my goodness, I am completely frightened. You have to call the police and ambulance. You can't just bury a body. Was that an accident? Was that a murder?
That was creepy. Twisted as it's too open ended. Great visual imagery created. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
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Silas is a sculptor. : )
Comment from judiverse
There seems to be something kinky about the way the father is thinking of his daughter. It seems to be more than just the sculpture. He obviously has worked hard, as he has labored over the pleats in her skirt. Best of luck in the contest. This is intriguing. judi
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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There seems to be something kinky about the way the father is thinking of his daughter. It seems to be more than just the sculpture. He obviously has worked hard, as he has labored over the pleats in her skirt. Best of luck in the contest. This is intriguing. judi
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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By wife browbeat me on first blush as well. Most readers thought the same thing, but accepted the ending and let me off the hook for being a perv.
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Better a pervert than killing the girl and encasing her body in the statue. judi
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Better? Project much? : )
Comment from damommy
Awww, aren't you the tricky one? You had me going there for a minute until I realized his was chiseling out the likeness of his daughter. Good build-up. Good luck in the contest. This is great!
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Awww, aren't you the tricky one? You had me going there for a minute until I realized his was chiseling out the likeness of his daughter. Good build-up. Good luck in the contest. This is great!
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Thank you, Yvonne.
Comment from Scarbrems
This is very good. At first reading, I honestly thought he'd killed her, then I realised he'd sculpted her. Beautifully done. A complete tale in so few words. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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This is very good. At first reading, I honestly thought he'd killed her, then I realised he'd sculpted her. Beautifully done. A complete tale in so few words. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Thank you, Sarkems
Comment from Mistydawn
That's a very dark piece of flash fiction. It's very well-written, descriptive. I could picture it in my mind. The dad getting the last mental image of his daughter. Good luck with your contest.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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That's a very dark piece of flash fiction. It's very well-written, descriptive. I could picture it in my mind. The dad getting the last mental image of his daughter. Good luck with your contest.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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He is a sculptor
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A sculptor lol, I was thinking murderer. Guess I have a dark imagination.
Comment from humpwhistle
Very nice job of leading the reader toward one conclusion, then, at the very last moment, revealing a different one.
A very creative example of a 50-ish word story.
Best of luck with the Committee.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Very nice job of leading the reader toward one conclusion, then, at the very last moment, revealing a different one.
A very creative example of a 50-ish word story.
Best of luck with the Committee.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Thank you, Lee, for the encouraging review. Bill
Comment from Pam (respa)
-A very good dribble, Bill.
-You had me worried for a minute.
-The adjectives add to the
eeriness of the beginning.
-I also like the description
of the skirt, "straight and precise."
-Then you get us with
"motionless legs!"
-A very good twist at the end.
-Good luck in the contest and
hope you are doing well.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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-A very good dribble, Bill.
-You had me worried for a minute.
-The adjectives add to the
eeriness of the beginning.
-I also like the description
of the skirt, "straight and precise."
-Then you get us with
"motionless legs!"
-A very good twist at the end.
-Good luck in the contest and
hope you are doing well.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Thank you, Pam. I hope all are well there too. Bill
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You are welcome, Bill. Things are good here.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Bill
Very good. Pulling it all together in the last sentence, keeping the context back until the end - this is the essence of the form and you have done well here. In passing, I am not too sure if 'gray' is right, unless all of the marble/stone was gray? A small point: I am just suggesting that it may read better without the colour reference.
As I intend to have a crack myself, it is with great honesty and sincerity that I trust you will come second in the contest...
I trust that you are safe and well.
Cheers
phill
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Hello Bill
Very good. Pulling it all together in the last sentence, keeping the context back until the end - this is the essence of the form and you have done well here. In passing, I am not too sure if 'gray' is right, unless all of the marble/stone was gray? A small point: I am just suggesting that it may read better without the colour reference.
As I intend to have a crack myself, it is with great honesty and sincerity that I trust you will come second in the contest...
I trust that you are safe and well.
Cheers
phill
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Thank you, Phil, for the encouraging review and suggestion. The choice of gray I hoped would reinforce the sense of lifelessness and that it was a statue all along. I hope you do come in first after me. : )
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
You had me worried when I started to read this one Bill, but thankfully it is a statue Silas is carving! Much enjoyed and you played with us all here, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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You had me worried when I started to read this one Bill, but thankfully it is a statue Silas is carving! Much enjoyed and you played with us all here, love Dolly x
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Thank you, Dolly. I had to read the last line twice to my wife as she was giving me the stink eye at first.
Comment from nomi338
Wow! Every dad's dream, to have a child stand before him, not asking for anything, not going: "But dad." Not asking to go for a ride with some kid the dad hates, not doing any of those things, just standing there looking adorable. Pity it's just a carving.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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Wow! Every dad's dream, to have a child stand before him, not asking for anything, not going: "But dad." Not asking to go for a ride with some kid the dad hates, not doing any of those things, just standing there looking adorable. Pity it's just a carving.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2020
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If I carved my kids it would be as babies. Conservation of materials, easier to complete, and I could use them as door stops or paper weights.
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In the words of one of my best friends: "You are a cold soldier." I don't even know what thatt means really, but it sounds good.
