The Shining Star
The parents suffer a tragedy.7 total reviews
Comment from estory
I thought this was very moving. I liked how you started it off with that scene of the little girl attached to all the machinery keeping her alive; that really captures the feeling of the human element slipping away and the loss of control over the situation. I also liked that description of the girl's room, with all the carousels and unicorns...very poignant. There were lots of poignant moments in this, actually. Your descriptions of the church group talking about their losses was also strong. What I really liked was how you had such a personal, honest language, revealing the emotions seething underneath; the sense of unfairness, the questioning of God. There was another great little moment when you get the call from Rita and your heart leaps to your throat, thinking she too, is sick. We really stand right next to you in a lot of these scenes thanks to the strong scene setting and the honest, personal language. estory
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2020
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I thought this was very moving. I liked how you started it off with that scene of the little girl attached to all the machinery keeping her alive; that really captures the feeling of the human element slipping away and the loss of control over the situation. I also liked that description of the girl's room, with all the carousels and unicorns...very poignant. There were lots of poignant moments in this, actually. Your descriptions of the church group talking about their losses was also strong. What I really liked was how you had such a personal, honest language, revealing the emotions seething underneath; the sense of unfairness, the questioning of God. There was another great little moment when you get the call from Rita and your heart leaps to your throat, thinking she too, is sick. We really stand right next to you in a lot of these scenes thanks to the strong scene setting and the honest, personal language. estory
Comment Written 10-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2020
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Thank you for your kind words and that gracious review. I am glad you enjoyed my story.
Comment from zanya
Such a profound experience in life's dark valley but emerging into the light - with a new vista! told with conviction and elan - and no frills or forderols ! Excellent
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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Such a profound experience in life's dark valley but emerging into the light - with a new vista! told with conviction and elan - and no frills or forderols ! Excellent
Comment Written 07-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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thank you
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
An excellent piece of writing! This is so real, the emotions are so close to the surface, it is hard to believe this is fiction. You have done a superb job this time!
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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An excellent piece of writing! This is so real, the emotions are so close to the surface, it is hard to believe this is fiction. You have done a superb job this time!
Comment Written 07-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I always wonder how God gives us sun after the storm, how he can open the door when one is closed. He gives us hope and second chances and your story has plenty of that. I felt the transformation of this couple strike by grief, and it's funny how when you help other you open your heart and get a better human, finally letting that tiny mustard seed that God left into our hearts, to grow into a shinning star
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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I always wonder how God gives us sun after the storm, how he can open the door when one is closed. He gives us hope and second chances and your story has plenty of that. I felt the transformation of this couple strike by grief, and it's funny how when you help other you open your heart and get a better human, finally letting that tiny mustard seed that God left into our hearts, to grow into a shinning star
Comment Written 07-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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thank you for your kind word.
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This is such an amazing, heart-wrenching story, that if it isn't based on something that actually happened, you have an incredibly realistic imagination and understanding of a tragedy that might have taken place. This couple went through such a difficult trial together, that it almost tore them apart, but somehow, through the grace of God, they remained devoted to each other. The man's wife found her comfort in the Presence of God, and eventually persuaded him to join her in seeking God and in doing His work. I love the happy conclusion of the story: the announcement that they will be having twins, and the husband's realization that their baby daughter will always be alive in his heart.
I found some errors, and I hope you don't mind my pointing them out, in the hope that it will help to make your wonderful story even better:
while large crystal tears streamed down her pallor cheeks.
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while large crystal tears streamed down her pallid cheeks.
As we passed the elevator, the door slid open and outstepped, my mother, Rosa.
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As we passed the elevator, the door slid open and out stepped my mother, Rosa.
Clarissa would widen her blue eyes and laughed every time she saw the animal.
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Clarissa would widen her blue eyes and laugh every time she saw the animal.
Rita and I often argued about trivial matters that hid our anguish minds
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Rita and I often argued about trivial matters that hid our anguished minds
"I had with my cereal this morning," I replied,
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"I had it with my cereal this morning," I replied,
Every night before bedtime, she knelt at the edge her bed
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Every night before bedtime, she knelt at the edge of her bed
[You started indenting your paragraphs after the word "Church." The paragraphs should be either one way or the other.]
It has been several days that a blanket of peace covered the warmth of our apartment.
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It had been several days that a blanket of peace covered the warmth of our apartment.
grief, a subject that didn't rank too high my reading list.
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grief, a subject that didn't rank too high on my reading list.
I saw tears roll down people's cheeks, listen to their sniffles and sighs, but there was one lady that compelled myself to withhold a smile.
-->
I saw tears roll down people's cheeks, listened to their sniffles and sighs, but there was one lady that compelled me to withhold a smile.
"Mr. and Mrs. Russo would like to join us at Molly's?" the young man said.
-->
"Mr. and Mrs. Russo, would you like to join us at Molly's?" the young man said.
Too me, I couldn't do it.
-->
To me, I couldn't do it.
looking helpless as the numbness surge within me,
-->
looking helpless as the numbness surged within me,
As days and weeks past,
-->
As days and weeks passed,
I saw smiles on ruddy faces while I plop a big serving of pork n beans into plastic trays.
-->
I saw smiles on ruddy faces while I plopped a big serving of pork 'n beans into plastic trays.
Our relationship nurtured as the seasons past.
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Our relationship was nurtured as the seasons passed.
I fell as though I had just scratch of the numbers
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I felt as though I had just scratched off the numbers
***
Again, this story is so realistic, so true to life, that it really touched my heart. Very well told.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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This is such an amazing, heart-wrenching story, that if it isn't based on something that actually happened, you have an incredibly realistic imagination and understanding of a tragedy that might have taken place. This couple went through such a difficult trial together, that it almost tore them apart, but somehow, through the grace of God, they remained devoted to each other. The man's wife found her comfort in the Presence of God, and eventually persuaded him to join her in seeking God and in doing His work. I love the happy conclusion of the story: the announcement that they will be having twins, and the husband's realization that their baby daughter will always be alive in his heart.
I found some errors, and I hope you don't mind my pointing them out, in the hope that it will help to make your wonderful story even better:
while large crystal tears streamed down her pallor cheeks.
-->
while large crystal tears streamed down her pallid cheeks.
As we passed the elevator, the door slid open and outstepped, my mother, Rosa.
-->
As we passed the elevator, the door slid open and out stepped my mother, Rosa.
Clarissa would widen her blue eyes and laughed every time she saw the animal.
-->
Clarissa would widen her blue eyes and laugh every time she saw the animal.
Rita and I often argued about trivial matters that hid our anguish minds
-->
Rita and I often argued about trivial matters that hid our anguished minds
"I had with my cereal this morning," I replied,
-->
"I had it with my cereal this morning," I replied,
Every night before bedtime, she knelt at the edge her bed
-->
Every night before bedtime, she knelt at the edge of her bed
[You started indenting your paragraphs after the word "Church." The paragraphs should be either one way or the other.]
It has been several days that a blanket of peace covered the warmth of our apartment.
-->
It had been several days that a blanket of peace covered the warmth of our apartment.
grief, a subject that didn't rank too high my reading list.
-->
grief, a subject that didn't rank too high on my reading list.
I saw tears roll down people's cheeks, listen to their sniffles and sighs, but there was one lady that compelled myself to withhold a smile.
-->
I saw tears roll down people's cheeks, listened to their sniffles and sighs, but there was one lady that compelled me to withhold a smile.
"Mr. and Mrs. Russo would like to join us at Molly's?" the young man said.
-->
"Mr. and Mrs. Russo, would you like to join us at Molly's?" the young man said.
Too me, I couldn't do it.
-->
To me, I couldn't do it.
looking helpless as the numbness surge within me,
-->
looking helpless as the numbness surged within me,
As days and weeks past,
-->
As days and weeks passed,
I saw smiles on ruddy faces while I plop a big serving of pork n beans into plastic trays.
-->
I saw smiles on ruddy faces while I plopped a big serving of pork 'n beans into plastic trays.
Our relationship nurtured as the seasons past.
-->
Our relationship was nurtured as the seasons passed.
I fell as though I had just scratch of the numbers
-->
I felt as though I had just scratched off the numbers
***
Again, this story is so realistic, so true to life, that it really touched my heart. Very well told.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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I'm so grateful for your review and the help you gave me.
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You're so very welcome. I was happy to help. - Mary Kay
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks a story about a tragic parents who lost their shining star Clarissa, naturally in a good flow of thoughts; most of the characters are realistic; dialogues are very realistic and contributory with good plot development.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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This speaks a story about a tragic parents who lost their shining star Clarissa, naturally in a good flow of thoughts; most of the characters are realistic; dialogues are very realistic and contributory with good plot development.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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thank you
Comment from RShipp
"She looked at me with her bleary green eyes while large crystal tears streamed down her pallor cheeks." What a compassionate description.
"Once Rosa stopped engaging in meatballs and cookies," People that love you feel the need to help.
That is a tragic and beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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"She looked at me with her bleary green eyes while large crystal tears streamed down her pallor cheeks." What a compassionate description.
"Once Rosa stopped engaging in meatballs and cookies," People that love you feel the need to help.
That is a tragic and beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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thank you.
