Hosea and the Lost Souls
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Saying Goodbye Is not Forever"Hosea seeks souls out west to cure his curse
7 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Very readable once again. I think it can definitely be a bonding moment for people to visit a cemetery together. Favorite lines: It turned out there was a remnant of souls who could be found. And also: The horse found some patches of grass between smooth rocks and seemed to be contented.
A few fixes to make:
Hosea rode up the mountain on Patches(I think I would put a comma after Patches) with the boy James clinging to his backside. The sun bathed the red boulders with a fiery hue(add a comma after hue) and the morning mist dissolved in front of them, as the heavens opened a path for them to the cemetery on a ridge.
It gave them a bird's eyes (bird's eye or bird's eye's) view of the church bell(I think I would put a comma here after bell) hoisted by a series of ropes to the top of the church building.
Lydia, the baker's daughter(put a comma after daughter as this is an appositive phrase) had found some God-fearing souls camped along Silver Creek(put a comma after Creek) who were impressed by the mercy shown to the orphan boy by the preacher,(Put period after preacher and start a new sentence) they decided the gold-digging could wait for a spell. (I really like this paragraph. But I am not sure why it is included here. I got the impression that James could only see the people in the town. I am going to take a guess that they are visible outside either hoisting that bell (although I would think Hosea would want to be there if it were in progress) or they are building or painting or reinforcing some part of the church structure. So just add an extra sentence to say what the people who are not gold-digging are doing, that they can be seen from that distance. It might be as simple as adding "the bell being hoisted at that moment" to point out that is the action that is being watched.)
Hosea squeezed one eye. "Well now. I can tell you're a thinker. But it's more than God having a bird's eye(make this match the usage above, and in fact, bird's eye view also works) view. It's all about what he (I would capitalize He) sees inside of us. It's him (It's He who knows) who knows and sees the end from the beginning."
Hosea kicked the side of Patches and turned the horse up the trail and over one of the mountain brooks until the cemetery was in view. Yards away was an old miner's shack with holes for windows(consider putting a comma here just to separate the thoughts) where the young boy had made his home.
Hosea slipped off his horse(Something about this sentence is awkward; maybe say: Hosea slipped off his horse but didn't tie the animal. He gave James a quick hug.) where he took James into his arms. The horse found some patches of grass between smooth rocks and seemed to be contented.
The boy took Hosea by the hand through unmarked graves(comma after graves) until he came to a place where James had fashioned two sticks together with an old shoelace to make a cross. Near some mossy ground, the boy found some blooming flowers. He plucked them and made a hasty bouquet.
Among the hastily(I would put a hyphen between hastily and made)made graves with barely enough dirt to cover bones, James knelt down where his parents had been buried together as one.
The boy craned his neck and looked at Hosea(put a comma after Hosea) where a tear stung his eye and trickled down his pale face.
"Reverend(put a comma after Reverend) don't die on me(put a comma after me) too! Don't you dare leave me! Tell me what to do!"
The boy didn't care who he was in the past and his failures that could have been read like a scroll (for some reason this sounds slightly awkward; not sure how many scrolls Hosea has ever seen or used. Maybe say, The boy didn't care who Hosea was in the past nor what his failures might have been.) He (Who? Hosea?) reached upward and clutched his collar. James helped him up.
"I'm all right. This town needs us. We have to warn them. Someday you will understand. From here on out, we walk by faith and not by sight."
James thought he spoke in riddles. After(need space between After and all) all(put a comma after the word all) from the plateau they had a crisp, sunny view of the whole town and beyond(put a comma after beyond) where men mined for gold along Silver Creek.
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Very readable once again. I think it can definitely be a bonding moment for people to visit a cemetery together. Favorite lines: It turned out there was a remnant of souls who could be found. And also: The horse found some patches of grass between smooth rocks and seemed to be contented.
A few fixes to make:
Hosea rode up the mountain on Patches(I think I would put a comma after Patches) with the boy James clinging to his backside. The sun bathed the red boulders with a fiery hue(add a comma after hue) and the morning mist dissolved in front of them, as the heavens opened a path for them to the cemetery on a ridge.
It gave them a bird's eyes (bird's eye or bird's eye's) view of the church bell(I think I would put a comma here after bell) hoisted by a series of ropes to the top of the church building.
Lydia, the baker's daughter(put a comma after daughter as this is an appositive phrase) had found some God-fearing souls camped along Silver Creek(put a comma after Creek) who were impressed by the mercy shown to the orphan boy by the preacher,(Put period after preacher and start a new sentence) they decided the gold-digging could wait for a spell. (I really like this paragraph. But I am not sure why it is included here. I got the impression that James could only see the people in the town. I am going to take a guess that they are visible outside either hoisting that bell (although I would think Hosea would want to be there if it were in progress) or they are building or painting or reinforcing some part of the church structure. So just add an extra sentence to say what the people who are not gold-digging are doing, that they can be seen from that distance. It might be as simple as adding "the bell being hoisted at that moment" to point out that is the action that is being watched.)
Hosea squeezed one eye. "Well now. I can tell you're a thinker. But it's more than God having a bird's eye(make this match the usage above, and in fact, bird's eye view also works) view. It's all about what he (I would capitalize He) sees inside of us. It's him (It's He who knows) who knows and sees the end from the beginning."
Hosea kicked the side of Patches and turned the horse up the trail and over one of the mountain brooks until the cemetery was in view. Yards away was an old miner's shack with holes for windows(consider putting a comma here just to separate the thoughts) where the young boy had made his home.
Hosea slipped off his horse(Something about this sentence is awkward; maybe say: Hosea slipped off his horse but didn't tie the animal. He gave James a quick hug.) where he took James into his arms. The horse found some patches of grass between smooth rocks and seemed to be contented.
The boy took Hosea by the hand through unmarked graves(comma after graves) until he came to a place where James had fashioned two sticks together with an old shoelace to make a cross. Near some mossy ground, the boy found some blooming flowers. He plucked them and made a hasty bouquet.
Among the hastily(I would put a hyphen between hastily and made)made graves with barely enough dirt to cover bones, James knelt down where his parents had been buried together as one.
The boy craned his neck and looked at Hosea(put a comma after Hosea) where a tear stung his eye and trickled down his pale face.
"Reverend(put a comma after Reverend) don't die on me(put a comma after me) too! Don't you dare leave me! Tell me what to do!"
The boy didn't care who he was in the past and his failures that could have been read like a scroll (for some reason this sounds slightly awkward; not sure how many scrolls Hosea has ever seen or used. Maybe say, The boy didn't care who Hosea was in the past nor what his failures might have been.) He (Who? Hosea?) reached upward and clutched his collar. James helped him up.
"I'm all right. This town needs us. We have to warn them. Someday you will understand. From here on out, we walk by faith and not by sight."
James thought he spoke in riddles. After(need space between After and all) all(put a comma after the word all) from the plateau they had a crisp, sunny view of the whole town and beyond(put a comma after beyond) where men mined for gold along Silver Creek.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2020
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
What a tear jerking chapter! Your writing draws readers right into the story as if they are personally there watching and listening. I am very happy to follow your writings!
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2020
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What a tear jerking chapter! Your writing draws readers right into the story as if they are personally there watching and listening. I am very happy to follow your writings!
Comment Written 30-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2020
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Thanks once again for the golden plus.
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You deserve it!
Comment from Mistydawn
This is a well-written, interesting chapter. I like how you sprinkled a little backstory in, gave us a little history on them made us empathize with your characters. I do have a couple of suggestions, mere opinion really.
1. He'd rescue the boy from Purgatory, even if his life depended on it. Reword?
2. It gave them a bird's eyes view of the church bell hoisted by a series of ropes to the top of the church building. Describe the bell perhaps sturdy silver bell to delete the use of church twice in a sentence?
3. Maybe add a few senses? What did they smell, hear?
Overall great job.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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This is a well-written, interesting chapter. I like how you sprinkled a little backstory in, gave us a little history on them made us empathize with your characters. I do have a couple of suggestions, mere opinion really.
1. He'd rescue the boy from Purgatory, even if his life depended on it. Reword?
2. It gave them a bird's eyes view of the church bell hoisted by a series of ropes to the top of the church building. Describe the bell perhaps sturdy silver bell to delete the use of church twice in a sentence?
3. Maybe add a few senses? What did they smell, hear?
Overall great job.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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Thanks, Misty. Good points.
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I'm glad you took my suggestions like it was intended and not as criticism.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Well told, natural dialog. I like the unexpected: crisp, sunny view.. liquid love (bonus alliteration!). Bowed prostrate: omit bowed. Prostrate means stretched out face down. Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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Well told, natural dialog. I like the unexpected: crisp, sunny view.. liquid love (bonus alliteration!). Bowed prostrate: omit bowed. Prostrate means stretched out face down. Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 30-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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Thanks, Liz for that helpful bit of grammar. I appreciate also knowing a line or two that works.
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
I like what you're doing with this. The lad is very lucky to have this man to take him in regardless of his past mistakes. I can't wait to see how this develops. Thanks for sharing this well written work. Well done!
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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I like what you're doing with this. The lad is very lucky to have this man to take him in regardless of his past mistakes. I can't wait to see how this develops. Thanks for sharing this well written work. Well done!
Comment Written 29-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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Thanks, my brother.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Loved the chapter. Is James going to help the preacher as much as the preacher is helping him? I didn't find a singer error to make a recommendation. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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Loved the chapter. Is James going to help the preacher as much as the preacher is helping him? I didn't find a singer error to make a recommendation. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 29-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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Yes, and thanks!
Comment from BethShelby
This is a very emotional scene between the preacher and the boy. I'm enjoying your story. I am learned the preacher has some sorrry in his own life so this pair are perfect for each other.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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This is a very emotional scene between the preacher and the boy. I'm enjoying your story. I am learned the preacher has some sorrry in his own life so this pair are perfect for each other.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
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Thanks again, Beth.
