The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Upon the Desert's Threshold"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
5 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Another excellent read. I like the characters. The story is engrossing, and I want to read more. Again, you reveal just enough to keep me asking questions and wanting to seek the answers.
Some amazing descriptive lines here:
'She had cleansed the blood from her skin in a moonlit bath, but the sorrow was a shroud she could not shed.' Wow!
'The sands have consumed the hopes and bones of many who sought to cross them.' This one sent a shiver up my spine.
'Now you must learn to shed such a nature like a snake leaves its skin and embrace new growth beneath.' An interesting way to explain it.
A well-written chapter. I have no suggestions for improvement. Looking forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2023
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Another excellent read. I like the characters. The story is engrossing, and I want to read more. Again, you reveal just enough to keep me asking questions and wanting to seek the answers.
Some amazing descriptive lines here:
'She had cleansed the blood from her skin in a moonlit bath, but the sorrow was a shroud she could not shed.' Wow!
'The sands have consumed the hopes and bones of many who sought to cross them.' This one sent a shiver up my spine.
'Now you must learn to shed such a nature like a snake leaves its skin and embrace new growth beneath.' An interesting way to explain it.
A well-written chapter. I have no suggestions for improvement. Looking forward to reading more.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2023
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I?m glad the descriptions, at least a few, have come out well. I have a feeling that I am going to be saying thank you a lot for feedback, but thank you!
Comment from Amy Stannard01
Really good story and i would love it read it in its integrity. The only thing i was wanted to knwo what ahd happened to the charactors and what not sure where this chapter cna Ron the book. It is is the first chapter then i hope we get to see what really happens to set them on this venture. I love fantasy stories and this ws right up my alley with different charactors, fights and magic. Would definitely recommend this
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2020
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Really good story and i would love it read it in its integrity. The only thing i was wanted to knwo what ahd happened to the charactors and what not sure where this chapter cna Ron the book. It is is the first chapter then i hope we get to see what really happens to set them on this venture. I love fantasy stories and this ws right up my alley with different charactors, fights and magic. Would definitely recommend this
Comment Written 31-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2020
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Hey, thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. I'm a little unsure how FanStory works still, I'm pretty new, but this is the second chapter and hopefully everything else shows up. The prologue, first chapter, and now third chapter should be available.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I like this intro :"The sands have consumed the hopes and bones of many who sought to cross them." The warrior sighed, running his hand over his shaved head. "Are you certain of this, Eigou?"
The sands aka the desert seems to be the gate to a different magical realm, that have good and bad. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2020
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I like this intro :"The sands have consumed the hopes and bones of many who sought to cross them." The warrior sighed, running his hand over his shaved head. "Are you certain of this, Eigou?"
The sands aka the desert seems to be the gate to a different magical realm, that have good and bad. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2020
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Thank you!
Comment from samandlancelot
K.Olsen,
Another excellent chapter. You are a talented story teller.
The summer sun was brutally, relentlessly (2 'ly adverbs together is frowned upon according to "English Forums.com." You might want to change one of them.)
"Only a little further. (farther)
I liked your exchange between Itali and Eigou about his plan to tap into the powers of Ki-sikil-lil. "At what price?" Perfect!
"Someday, the world will tremble at the vengeance she brings to bear!" (I like this prophecy that I think might be fulfilled in your story.)
I liked the uncertainty Ilati had about Menes and if she could trust him and her reason for doubt.
Patricia
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2020
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K.Olsen,
Another excellent chapter. You are a talented story teller.
The summer sun was brutally, relentlessly (2 'ly adverbs together is frowned upon according to "English Forums.com." You might want to change one of them.)
"Only a little further. (farther)
I liked your exchange between Itali and Eigou about his plan to tap into the powers of Ki-sikil-lil. "At what price?" Perfect!
"Someday, the world will tremble at the vengeance she brings to bear!" (I like this prophecy that I think might be fulfilled in your story.)
I liked the uncertainty Ilati had about Menes and if she could trust him and her reason for doubt.
Patricia
Comment Written 29-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2020
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Thank you very much for the review and the corrections! The adverbs were intentional for rhythm, but I'll definitely fix the further/farther issue.
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I didn't know about rhythm in prose. Hmm. I'm always learning.
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It might just be that something's broken in my brain, but that's how I think of it. Particularly since this story is attempting to capture a more ancient air and drawing from sources like the Epic of Gilgamesh and old mythology, which are frequently repetitive in verbiage and structure. The goal is modern writing that borrows elements from the sources it's inspired by, but that means I feel like I'm thinking in corkscrews as I write. Hopefully it's coming along alright.
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Thanks for your explanation. It's coming along more than alright. It seems like a publishable story, for sure.
Comment from royowen
They've made progress into the desert but Llatti's are still raw, and Eigou says he knows of her father, and how he was a man unsurpassed in ways like none other, and that she was made of stern stuff because she was his daughter. Eigou had served him for a time. They gather themselves in an oasis, well done, excellent follow up, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2020
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They've made progress into the desert but Llatti's are still raw, and Eigou says he knows of her father, and how he was a man unsurpassed in ways like none other, and that she was made of stern stuff because she was his daughter. Eigou had served him for a time. They gather themselves in an oasis, well done, excellent follow up, blessings Roy
Comment Written 29-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2020
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Thank you very much for the review! I?ll try to keep things going well.
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Good job
