My Window
what lies beyond48 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Bednar
A poem for our time! I like this stream of thought poem.
And be
As intended.
One.
(Does this sound better without the "as"?)
"But it's not the same as
Yesterday
(do you like it better without "one"?)
You end your lines with "of" "and" "the". I used to do the same until it was pointed out to me it makes for better poetry ending lines with strong emphasized words.
With the above said, rereading this again, if you put the emphasis on the one word lines then it works - but I think you need to carry that throughout ever stanza.
There is no denying
Everything
Has changed
Or
There is no
Denying
Everything has changed.
...depends where you want the emphasis.
reply by the author on 14-May-2020
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A poem for our time! I like this stream of thought poem.
And be
As intended.
One.
(Does this sound better without the "as"?)
"But it's not the same as
Yesterday
(do you like it better without "one"?)
You end your lines with "of" "and" "the". I used to do the same until it was pointed out to me it makes for better poetry ending lines with strong emphasized words.
With the above said, rereading this again, if you put the emphasis on the one word lines then it works - but I think you need to carry that throughout ever stanza.
There is no denying
Everything
Has changed
Or
There is no
Denying
Everything has changed.
...depends where you want the emphasis.
Comment Written 14-May-2020
reply by the author on 14-May-2020
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Many thanks. I like this one how it is. It was published as is and won a competition. lol Poetry is such a subjective thing. G
Comment from DeboraDyess
This is beautiful and SO spot on!
Thank you for a delightful and insightful poem. Things are different and, hopefully, changing.
Blessings and stay safe,
Deb
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This is beautiful and SO spot on!
Thank you for a delightful and insightful poem. Things are different and, hopefully, changing.
Blessings and stay safe,
Deb
Comment Written 08-Apr-2020
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Obviously worthy of 6 stars, I came across your poem just now while looking back across my mailbox. The depth and message of this piece calls out across time and distance. This is exactly what people need to focus on as we face the incredible unknown we are collectively facing.
Thanks for sharing, G,
Rhonda
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Obviously worthy of 6 stars, I came across your poem just now while looking back across my mailbox. The depth and message of this piece calls out across time and distance. This is exactly what people need to focus on as we face the incredible unknown we are collectively facing.
Thanks for sharing, G,
Rhonda
Comment Written 28-Mar-2020
Comment from phill doran
Hello G
A great write - optimistic and melancholy at the same time. "You may say I'm a dreamer..."
Sadly, I don't think much will change in the right direction, but I'd love to be wrong. For me, it's the Pied Piper - you know, once the rats have gone everyone reneges.
I'm really not one for 'free verse', so I am impressed that you have either overcome (or perhaps subverted) my prejudice.
Nothing to suggest, correct or critique here at all...
Well done that man.
cheers
phill
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Hello G
A great write - optimistic and melancholy at the same time. "You may say I'm a dreamer..."
Sadly, I don't think much will change in the right direction, but I'd love to be wrong. For me, it's the Pied Piper - you know, once the rats have gone everyone reneges.
I'm really not one for 'free verse', so I am impressed that you have either overcome (or perhaps subverted) my prejudice.
Nothing to suggest, correct or critique here at all...
Well done that man.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 25-Mar-2020
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Gareth
What a great way to look at our situation today,
"There's a world outside my window"
With that line, you describe the present world. People are self-isolating, self-distancing. People are in lock-down, missing their friends and family, missing their neighbors, missing just a friendly hello, missing a smile. It's unreal, isn't it? Summing it up,
"Artificial life full of
False divisions and
Arbitrary boundaries."
And then you give us hope, something positive, something to hold onto,
"And when times change again,
Which they will"
And the future,
"Perhaps we can see that now
We can dispense with
Formalities and ridiculous prejudice
And be,
One,
a better one."
Best of all, you offer a challenge in closing, to all of us:
"There's a world outside my window
Which must be better than yesterday." ... "must be better"
I think if I could make one suggestion, it would be just one word.
"There's a world outside (my) window
Which must be better than yesterday."
(There's a world outside our window
Which must be better than yesterday.)
What a great poem for the world today! This is what our leaders should be telling the population.
Well done! Poem of the Month!
All the Best! Thanks for sharing.
Cheers
Kimbob
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Hi Gareth
What a great way to look at our situation today,
"There's a world outside my window"
With that line, you describe the present world. People are self-isolating, self-distancing. People are in lock-down, missing their friends and family, missing their neighbors, missing just a friendly hello, missing a smile. It's unreal, isn't it? Summing it up,
"Artificial life full of
False divisions and
Arbitrary boundaries."
And then you give us hope, something positive, something to hold onto,
"And when times change again,
Which they will"
And the future,
"Perhaps we can see that now
We can dispense with
Formalities and ridiculous prejudice
And be,
One,
a better one."
Best of all, you offer a challenge in closing, to all of us:
"There's a world outside my window
Which must be better than yesterday." ... "must be better"
I think if I could make one suggestion, it would be just one word.
"There's a world outside (my) window
Which must be better than yesterday."
(There's a world outside our window
Which must be better than yesterday.)
What a great poem for the world today! This is what our leaders should be telling the population.
Well done! Poem of the Month!
All the Best! Thanks for sharing.
Cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 24-Mar-2020
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I found this an excellent poem. I read it as referring to our current situation - but apparantly I am blinkered and see that everywhere, even where it is not. I guess I need to learn to dig deeper and look beyond the obvious.
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I found this an excellent poem. I read it as referring to our current situation - but apparantly I am blinkered and see that everywhere, even where it is not. I guess I need to learn to dig deeper and look beyond the obvious.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2020
Comment from moongirlwriter
I really love this poem. . .so glad it was recognized. The one constant that we know is, life will be different tomorrow. . .so if you didn't like the way today was, tomorrow will be different. This poem says so much more but the beginning and the end are what really make the difference. The dash in between are lessons we learn to make the ending better. :)
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I really love this poem. . .so glad it was recognized. The one constant that we know is, life will be different tomorrow. . .so if you didn't like the way today was, tomorrow will be different. This poem says so much more but the beginning and the end are what really make the difference. The dash in between are lessons we learn to make the ending better. :)
Comment Written 23-Mar-2020
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Well said. I like the World/Window WW. Elegant visually as well as in verse. Nothing overblown, to the point. Solemn and uplifting both. Nice work. Cheers. LIZ
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Well said. I like the World/Window WW. Elegant visually as well as in verse. Nothing overblown, to the point. Solemn and uplifting both. Nice work. Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 22-Mar-2020
Comment from Kermit R. Mullins
"When all is said and done, it'll be a better one." Thanks for the Positive outlook. So many times we look out that window with hope, then we see our reflection as well, realizing then "I" can make it better. Best Wishes.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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"When all is said and done, it'll be a better one." Thanks for the Positive outlook. So many times we look out that window with hope, then we see our reflection as well, realizing then "I" can make it better. Best Wishes.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2020
Comment from LaRosa
Powerful comment on the stuff of life, such as the lock-down world of men shut away from 'life' to preserve 'living'. I love the 'blur of boundaries' between future and past as seen thru a window of time. The opening comment of the world not being seen the same from one day to the next, ending with the shocking hope/prayer that tomorrow's view will be better, is specially voiced. I enjoyed it very much as you made me slow down to read, to pay attention to your thoughts.
I should'a saved you a SIX!
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Powerful comment on the stuff of life, such as the lock-down world of men shut away from 'life' to preserve 'living'. I love the 'blur of boundaries' between future and past as seen thru a window of time. The opening comment of the world not being seen the same from one day to the next, ending with the shocking hope/prayer that tomorrow's view will be better, is specially voiced. I enjoyed it very much as you made me slow down to read, to pay attention to your thoughts.
I should'a saved you a SIX!
Comment Written 22-Mar-2020
