St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 57 "St. Louis Chapter 24 part 2"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
16 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
The emotional content of this chapter works well. As usual, your dialogue is natural and believable. The action is certainly hotting up now.
Only one suggestion and that is to consider whether you need to repeat this phrase, word for word, two paragraphs apart: "There's a man peering in the window. We think its Parks but can't tell for sure."
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2020
  |
The emotional content of this chapter works well. As usual, your dialogue is natural and believable. The action is certainly hotting up now.
Only one suggestion and that is to consider whether you need to repeat this phrase, word for word, two paragraphs apart: "There's a man peering in the window. We think its Parks but can't tell for sure."
Comment Written 25-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2020
-
Thank you and I will recheck that area. I understand what you're saying.
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
Nice chapter. Lots of stuff going on to create havoc and problems. Good job.
Some notes:
1.) McKenzie did the same. "I've got Jose.(")
2.) "She('s) not. A few hours at a time here and there."
3.) After Bill and Mitch left, and McKenzie sat on the couch with a dog on each side.
--> delete the 'and' before McKenzie
4.) How did Loganknow there was someone at the door at the end?
Thanks!
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2020
|
Barbara,
Nice chapter. Lots of stuff going on to create havoc and problems. Good job.
Some notes:
1.) McKenzie did the same. "I've got Jose.(")
2.) "She('s) not. A few hours at a time here and there."
3.) After Bill and Mitch left, and McKenzie sat on the couch with a dog on each side.
--> delete the 'and' before McKenzie
4.) How did Loganknow there was someone at the door at the end?
Thanks!
Comment Written 18-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2020
-
I hate it when those mistakes have been there all week and nobody else caught them. I really appreciate your help. I have made the corrections. Thank you.
-
I'm sorry it took me so long to get here!
-
I'm sorry it took me so long to get here!
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Barbara, a terrific Tuesday to you. I hope this finds you well, in good health and spirit. Thank you for the latest chapter, each one flows smoothly into the next, making it easy to enjoy and follow this well-written story. I will be sad when in reaches its end as I have become attached to Logan and Mac. Great job and have a great day!
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2020
|
Hello Barbara, a terrific Tuesday to you. I hope this finds you well, in good health and spirit. Thank you for the latest chapter, each one flows smoothly into the next, making it easy to enjoy and follow this well-written story. I will be sad when in reaches its end as I have become attached to Logan and Mac. Great job and have a great day!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2020
-
I have another novel in the works. I hope you hang around for that one. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Bill Pinder
I enjoyed reading this chapter in your book. It doesn't seem too long since it is well written and the action flows well. The suspense is definitely building as the threats get more serious. Bill
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2020
|
I enjoyed reading this chapter in your book. It doesn't seem too long since it is well written and the action flows well. The suspense is definitely building as the threats get more serious. Bill
Comment Written 17-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2020
-
Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Still it is another phase of good work of fiction, you have shown your artistic fictional work amply; flow of thoughts goes smooth and flair backed by contributory and realistic dialogues and discussions to follow the thematic maturation at a real height, though you ever prefer making Shana a better mature and realistic character, keeping the mystery unveiled with a creditable and curious ending; well said, well done; Pray to God save you, mankind and me from Coronavirus, 10 members may load @$21 MD gift to my account save my ATB posts making my lifetime Premier Shield Upgrade at $210 MD; thanks for sharing this; sorry, I could not offer 6-star now for I do not have any.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2020
|
Still it is another phase of good work of fiction, you have shown your artistic fictional work amply; flow of thoughts goes smooth and flair backed by contributory and realistic dialogues and discussions to follow the thematic maturation at a real height, though you ever prefer making Shana a better mature and realistic character, keeping the mystery unveiled with a creditable and curious ending; well said, well done; Pray to God save you, mankind and me from Coronavirus, 10 members may load @$21 MD gift to my account save my ATB posts making my lifetime Premier Shield Upgrade at $210 MD; thanks for sharing this; sorry, I could not offer 6-star now for I do not have any.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2020
-
Don't worry about the six stars. I don't. I am pleased you enjoyed reading and I pray for your continued health.
Comment from Sally Law
A fine chapter, dear Barbara. I'm familiarizing myself with the different characters to catch up with the backstory.
I'm like Mitch, and consume unbelievable amounts of coffee. I love to hear your character rich details, their quirky habits and personality traits. I love dogs.
I'm learning about natural flow in writing. Some call it the art of storytelling. I've worked very hard on this and would like to share a small amount, if I may.
I picked out two lines and will show you a little improvement with big impact. (You won't hurt my feelings if you don't like it.)
Logan stood in the doorway and fingered a coin. "A penny for your thoughts." He tossed her a penny.
My suggestion. Logan stood in the doorway and fingered a coin, tossing it in midair. "A penny for your thoughts." Just a little rearranging makes the emphasis on, "a penny for your thoughts."
I hope you find that helpful. My writing coach has been very inspiring, and I've seen great improvement with my writing in the past year. I've only been writing a year and a half or so. :))
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xoxo
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2020
|
A fine chapter, dear Barbara. I'm familiarizing myself with the different characters to catch up with the backstory.
I'm like Mitch, and consume unbelievable amounts of coffee. I love to hear your character rich details, their quirky habits and personality traits. I love dogs.
I'm learning about natural flow in writing. Some call it the art of storytelling. I've worked very hard on this and would like to share a small amount, if I may.
I picked out two lines and will show you a little improvement with big impact. (You won't hurt my feelings if you don't like it.)
Logan stood in the doorway and fingered a coin. "A penny for your thoughts." He tossed her a penny.
My suggestion. Logan stood in the doorway and fingered a coin, tossing it in midair. "A penny for your thoughts." Just a little rearranging makes the emphasis on, "a penny for your thoughts."
I hope you find that helpful. My writing coach has been very inspiring, and I've seen great improvement with my writing in the past year. I've only been writing a year and a half or so. :))
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xoxo
Comment Written 15-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2020
-
I made the correction to the line. I've been told to stay away from words ending in 'ing', so I shy away from them, but I agree it reads better. Thank you for the help.
Comment from judiverse
A lot happening in this chapter. It's got to be someone in the police department behind this. They claim to be trying to protect Mac and Logan, but trouble comes despite that. So they have to know her movements. Mac is upset when O'Malley is beaten and hospitalized because Mac has been to his place seeking information. She feels guilty about that, and he isn't the only person who's been injured because of his association with Mac. She must really be in a state when Logan gets a threatening letter. She's ready to have him go back to Ft. Bragg rather than to see harm coming to him. Hopefully, they can get a clear picture from the surveillance tape to see if it is Parks. Great suspense. judi
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2020
 |
A lot happening in this chapter. It's got to be someone in the police department behind this. They claim to be trying to protect Mac and Logan, but trouble comes despite that. So they have to know her movements. Mac is upset when O'Malley is beaten and hospitalized because Mac has been to his place seeking information. She feels guilty about that, and he isn't the only person who's been injured because of his association with Mac. She must really be in a state when Logan gets a threatening letter. She's ready to have him go back to Ft. Bragg rather than to see harm coming to him. Hopefully, they can get a clear picture from the surveillance tape to see if it is Parks. Great suspense. judi
Comment Written 15-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2020
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from susand3022
Speedy Delivery! Speedy Delivery! Mister Rogers never got death threats in his mail. ;) I know, I'm a smartass... I wish I knew more about your book that you're trying to name. Can you IM me a synopsis? :)
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2020
|
Speedy Delivery! Speedy Delivery! Mister Rogers never got death threats in his mail. ;) I know, I'm a smartass... I wish I knew more about your book that you're trying to name. Can you IM me a synopsis? :)
Comment Written 15-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2020
-
In my portfolio is prologue to this story. It might help. Please check ti out and I will answer any further question.
Comment from Sankey
We have come to a major turning point and it is not good. Well done. Just one suggestion for a change. This might be an American thing but let me know...so we can [i](e)nsure their safety." ensure is to make sure insure is to get (pay for)an insurance policy on something.
I still like my suggestion for the Shana book.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2020
|
We have come to a major turning point and it is not good. Well done. Just one suggestion for a change. This might be an American thing but let me know...so we can [i](e)nsure their safety." ensure is to make sure insure is to get (pay for)an insurance policy on something.
I still like my suggestion for the Shana book.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2020
-
I will make the change. Thank you for the catch. I appreciate the help.
-
No worries, I was not "sure" hehe if there was a difference in USA with these words.
Comment from Shirley McLain
A chapter full of tension. It seems McKenzie is doing a lot of crying. Now I want to know why she is going to Ft Bragg and what did the letter say? You did a great job as always. Shirley
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2020
|
A chapter full of tension. It seems McKenzie is doing a lot of crying. Now I want to know why she is going to Ft Bragg and what did the letter say? You did a great job as always. Shirley
Comment Written 15-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2020
-
She's not going to Ft Bragg, she's sending Logan there to protect him. HMMM. Thank you for the kind review.
