Broken
Old, worn out, broken.66 total reviews
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem about getting older gets to a point where we cannot continue any further like an old car's engine that just seize and refuse to go any further.
reply by the author on 15-May-2020
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A very well-written poem about getting older gets to a point where we cannot continue any further like an old car's engine that just seize and refuse to go any further.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 15-May-2020
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Thank you, Sandra, for reading and commenting. Linda
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
Oh, my. My first comment aloud was, "Someone needs to glue his feelings and thinking back together. With encouragement he will be the best he has ever been even with all the broken lines still visible. There is hope. Look for it in the right place."
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
reply by the author on 15-May-2020
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Oh, my. My first comment aloud was, "Someone needs to glue his feelings and thinking back together. With encouragement he will be the best he has ever been even with all the broken lines still visible. There is hope. Look for it in the right place."
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 15-May-2020
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Thank you for reading and comments. Linda
Comment from dragonpoet
NIce metaphors through out. It is sad when someone believes they are broken forever. I think that someone can be put back together by letting others help and believing in their own strength.
Keep writing
Joan
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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NIce metaphors through out. It is sad when someone believes they are broken forever. I think that someone can be put back together by letting others help and believing in their own strength.
Keep writing
Joan
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thank you, Joan. Linda
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You are most kindly welcome, Linda.
Joan
Comment from phill doran
Hello Linda
This is clearly a deeply felt and equally deeply personal piece of writing, and I thank you for sharing it. I think, given the incentive you offer, you will be inundated with reviews, (most of which may be fluffy) so mine will not be the only voice and my opinion carries no particular weight.
I think your writing has clear merit and I wish only to encourage you, but this reads like something not yet complete. It is a common saying that a poem is never finished, it is only ever abandoned; I think that you have perhaps let go of this too soon. It is very good, but I think you could raise it further still.
"...like engine in an old car / someone drove it way too far..." this perhaps should be (or could be) "...like an engine in an old car..." and to bring the metaphor to you (which you do successfully in the next few lines regarding clocks) "...someone drove me way too far..."
I also think you could apply yourself to connecting the imagery of the plane to you too - it is another good metaphor, but for me you create no linkage in using the word 'lives' - because now we are no longer talking of you, but of many - "...but lives remain broken forever..." versus (as an example) "...but what remains broken is broken forever..." This is you as the plane rather than (by potential implication using 'lives') the multiple people on the plane, which I doubt was your intended reference.
As I say, I found this a very powerful 'draft', and I mean no disrespect to your words, the opposite in fact, there's good, strong writing here, but for me you have let up too readily.
Dylan Thomas said poetry was in the revision, not just the inspiration.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
Cheers
phill
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reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Hello Linda
This is clearly a deeply felt and equally deeply personal piece of writing, and I thank you for sharing it. I think, given the incentive you offer, you will be inundated with reviews, (most of which may be fluffy) so mine will not be the only voice and my opinion carries no particular weight.
I think your writing has clear merit and I wish only to encourage you, but this reads like something not yet complete. It is a common saying that a poem is never finished, it is only ever abandoned; I think that you have perhaps let go of this too soon. It is very good, but I think you could raise it further still.
"...like engine in an old car / someone drove it way too far..." this perhaps should be (or could be) "...like an engine in an old car..." and to bring the metaphor to you (which you do successfully in the next few lines regarding clocks) "...someone drove me way too far..."
I also think you could apply yourself to connecting the imagery of the plane to you too - it is another good metaphor, but for me you create no linkage in using the word 'lives' - because now we are no longer talking of you, but of many - "...but lives remain broken forever..." versus (as an example) "...but what remains broken is broken forever..." This is you as the plane rather than (by potential implication using 'lives') the multiple people on the plane, which I doubt was your intended reference.
As I say, I found this a very powerful 'draft', and I mean no disrespect to your words, the opposite in fact, there's good, strong writing here, but for me you have let up too readily.
Dylan Thomas said poetry was in the revision, not just the inspiration.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
Cheers
phill
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thank you so much, Phil. I had a strong feeling that this poem was incomplete, so many thanks for pointing out its weaknesses. My last poem was a 2/4/2 and I got lazy, LOL. I'll work on it. Linda
Comment from Miss Cookie Atkinson
Wow! This is sad and deep. Your artwork tell it all
You captured my attention from the first line the last. So many people fall into that state be,t not many can climb out with the help of the Lord. Fore this I know from experiences.
Thank you for sharing
Cookie
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Wow! This is sad and deep. Your artwork tell it all
You captured my attention from the first line the last. So many people fall into that state be,t not many can climb out with the help of the Lord. Fore this I know from experiences.
Thank you for sharing
Cookie
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thanks for reading, commenting and for the six bright stars. It needs more work, however. Linda
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Your very welcome, okay do your thing lady(smile)
Cookie
Comment from Aaqib Naeem
One of the saddest poems I have read! All your comparisons were on point in this one and the artwork truly backed up your words so, good on you for choosing it! This right here...crash debris glued back together
but lives remain broken forever...was the best part for me! It says that some damage is permanent and can never be reversed and I truly felt that!
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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One of the saddest poems I have read! All your comparisons were on point in this one and the artwork truly backed up your words so, good on you for choosing it! This right here...crash debris glued back together
but lives remain broken forever...was the best part for me! It says that some damage is permanent and can never be reversed and I truly felt that!
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thank you, Aaqib Naeem, for reading and sharing your thoughts. Linda
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You are most welcome! :-)
Comment from Ogden
If the car and airplane engines aren't metaphors for your broken body, Linda, I'm totally baffled. (I'm sorry that either way doesn't bode well for your body.)
:)
Don
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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If the car and airplane engines aren't metaphors for your broken body, Linda, I'm totally baffled. (I'm sorry that either way doesn't bode well for your body.)
:)
Don
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thank you, Don. Linda
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You're very welcome, Linda.
Don
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a sad and melancholy write about heartbreak and sorrow or just a case of coping with old age. I have a few suggestions for you Linda:
"Like engine(s) in an old car" or "Like an engine in an old car"
"That's tired and then stops"
"Aeroplane's (engine) can no longer beat"
Love Dolly x
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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This is a sad and melancholy write about heartbreak and sorrow or just a case of coping with old age. I have a few suggestions for you Linda:
"Like engine(s) in an old car" or "Like an engine in an old car"
"That's tired and then stops"
"Aeroplane's (engine) can no longer beat"
Love Dolly x
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thank you, Dolly, appreciate your input and suggestions. Linda
Comment from Sanku
Hello! I can very well empathise with you because I too feel 'old, worn out and I would say 'tired' rather than 'broken'.You have used the imagery of an over used engine -either of a car or a plane - And the last lines a the essence of the poem. Very well done.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Hello! I can very well empathise with you because I too feel 'old, worn out and I would say 'tired' rather than 'broken'.You have used the imagery of an over used engine -either of a car or a plane - And the last lines a the essence of the poem. Very well done.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thank you, Sanku. Linda
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Nowdays broken is a normal status, we advanced in technology but we added so much fragility to our spirits and bodies. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Nowdays broken is a normal status, we advanced in technology but we added so much fragility to our spirits and bodies. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thank you, Iza. Linda
