Greasy Spoon
A slice of life look inside a greasy spoon cafe28 total reviews
Comment from Gideon300
I liked this work. Your words really let me image what it would be like to work there and the lives of the people whom serve us and what motivates them.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2020
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I liked this work. Your words really let me image what it would be like to work there and the lives of the people whom serve us and what motivates them.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2020
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Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate your review.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Brett,
When you deal in people, they came in all shapes and sizes. =When you deal in people, they come in all shape and sizes.
All I can say, is this is a good little story, which has quite the atmospheric feel about it.
Make sure that grammar and punctuation is correct. Then showing rather than telling and metaphor is important as well. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2020
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Hi Brett,
When you deal in people, they came in all shapes and sizes. =When you deal in people, they come in all shape and sizes.
All I can say, is this is a good little story, which has quite the atmospheric feel about it.
Make sure that grammar and punctuation is correct. Then showing rather than telling and metaphor is important as well. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 05-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2020
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Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate your insights and the review.
Comment from lauralumummu
I am sorry I can't help you. I think this is a witty story. Your descriptions are colorful and fun, this makes the story engaging. This young fella is certainly busy. I wish the font was bigger, but I think it is well written and I hope you get that seal of approval. All the best, Laura
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020
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I am sorry I can't help you. I think this is a witty story. Your descriptions are colorful and fun, this makes the story engaging. This young fella is certainly busy. I wish the font was bigger, but I think it is well written and I hope you get that seal of approval. All the best, Laura
Comment Written 05-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020
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Thanks for your review and taking time to read my little story. Both are much appreciated. So is the sixer.
Comment from StellaAnastasia
In all honesty this was an enjoyable read. It's a good story. My only critique is that about halfway through it became hard to focus because the tone stayed the same throughout. There wasn't any kind of shift in tone to keep it interesting. The work itself was good but it just may need some vocabulary enhancements and tone shifts.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020
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In all honesty this was an enjoyable read. It's a good story. My only critique is that about halfway through it became hard to focus because the tone stayed the same throughout. There wasn't any kind of shift in tone to keep it interesting. The work itself was good but it just may need some vocabulary enhancements and tone shifts.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020
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Thanks for your review. Will take into consideration.
Comment from JudyE
I enjoyed reading this so don't be put off by the length of my suggestions. The server's character comes over really well and the dialogue is authentic. I've given four stars but am happy to give five after few edits.
Please ignore anything that doesn't sit well with you.
Then, when he is out of hearing range of our snickers, we laugh behind his back. - I might have said 'Then, when he is out of hearing range, we laugh/snicker behind his back.' but it's just a personal thing.
Eight unfathomable years, that's how long the Viet Cong held the Gunnery Sergeant prisoner at the Hanoi Hilton. Sgt. Bramble possessed plenty of harrowing war stories he liked to tell us. You can bet we all listened when the town's local hero began one of them. - you've changed tenses here, (from present to past) and it happens again towards the end. I'm not sure why you wouldn't say 'Sgt. Bramble possesses plenty of harrowing war stories he likes to tell us. You can bet we all listen when the town's local hero begins one of them.' You might want to check the whole story just watching for the tenses you're using.
Our ancient owner, Merwin is a stickler for details - comma needed after 'Merwin'
A tried and true blue-blooded Irishman from way back - I'd put a comma after 'true'
"What's that?" You ask. - lower case for 'you'
I seemed to get this affliction a lot - should be 'I seem'
...like every other day. But, I gotta work if I wanna make the next payment on my pickup truck. Turbocharged and made to be driven, it's agate black; a light duty, F150 complete with a V8 engine, extended cab, and eight-foot bed. NICE! especially for making out with the girls if you know what I mean.
In the downstairs den of the house I lived in, my Dad politely wondered, - this paragraph seems to come in a bit abruptly. Maybe consider starting with 'This morning' or 'Last week' or whatever.
The hottie was who I was on the phone with. - this sounds a bit clumsy. I might have said 'Marlena was the hottie on the other end of the phone.
Mr, Sorrells added a walkway to his backyard.- delete comma after 'Mr'. Apostrophe needed 'Mr Sorrell's added ...'
I noticed the delight in Dad's eyes. - If you're going up the stairs and your Dad is behind you, you wouldn't see his eyes. Maybe 'I could hear the delight in Dad's voice.'
He's a big time Foreman at the Johnson Brothers Grist Mill - not sure 'Foreman' should be capitalised
It doesn't take long to get to know your regulars and what made them tick. - again the tense needs checking. Either 'It doesn't take long to get to know your regulars and what makes them tick.' of 'It didn't take long to get to know your regulars and what made them tick.'
Several other guests sat in the waiting area to be seated - maybe '..sat in the waiting area waiting to be seated in the restaurant/dining area' but then you have 'waiting' mentioned twice in very close proximity.
That puppy's as hot as the flashing neon sign out front of the place that lured customers into the joint. - I'd delete 'of the place'
Robert's a real cracker for you, but don't get the muscle-bound, Harley riding, ex-Golden Gloves champion in a boxing ring. - I'd hyphenate 'Harley-riding'
All the top Country songs from the Legends who made the music famous, to the current crop of Cookie Cutter Cowboys played on the radio - I'm not sure about the capitalisation here. Maybe it's okay.
That all depended on who's quarter - should be 'whose quarter'
Dancing most definitely was not my favorite past time - one word - pastime
I watched my pees and ques around her - 'watched my p's and q's around her'
The content is spot-on, just a few edits needed in my view.
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020
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I enjoyed reading this so don't be put off by the length of my suggestions. The server's character comes over really well and the dialogue is authentic. I've given four stars but am happy to give five after few edits.
Please ignore anything that doesn't sit well with you.
Then, when he is out of hearing range of our snickers, we laugh behind his back. - I might have said 'Then, when he is out of hearing range, we laugh/snicker behind his back.' but it's just a personal thing.
Eight unfathomable years, that's how long the Viet Cong held the Gunnery Sergeant prisoner at the Hanoi Hilton. Sgt. Bramble possessed plenty of harrowing war stories he liked to tell us. You can bet we all listened when the town's local hero began one of them. - you've changed tenses here, (from present to past) and it happens again towards the end. I'm not sure why you wouldn't say 'Sgt. Bramble possesses plenty of harrowing war stories he likes to tell us. You can bet we all listen when the town's local hero begins one of them.' You might want to check the whole story just watching for the tenses you're using.
Our ancient owner, Merwin is a stickler for details - comma needed after 'Merwin'
A tried and true blue-blooded Irishman from way back - I'd put a comma after 'true'
"What's that?" You ask. - lower case for 'you'
I seemed to get this affliction a lot - should be 'I seem'
...like every other day. But, I gotta work if I wanna make the next payment on my pickup truck. Turbocharged and made to be driven, it's agate black; a light duty, F150 complete with a V8 engine, extended cab, and eight-foot bed. NICE! especially for making out with the girls if you know what I mean.
In the downstairs den of the house I lived in, my Dad politely wondered, - this paragraph seems to come in a bit abruptly. Maybe consider starting with 'This morning' or 'Last week' or whatever.
The hottie was who I was on the phone with. - this sounds a bit clumsy. I might have said 'Marlena was the hottie on the other end of the phone.
Mr, Sorrells added a walkway to his backyard.- delete comma after 'Mr'. Apostrophe needed 'Mr Sorrell's added ...'
I noticed the delight in Dad's eyes. - If you're going up the stairs and your Dad is behind you, you wouldn't see his eyes. Maybe 'I could hear the delight in Dad's voice.'
He's a big time Foreman at the Johnson Brothers Grist Mill - not sure 'Foreman' should be capitalised
It doesn't take long to get to know your regulars and what made them tick. - again the tense needs checking. Either 'It doesn't take long to get to know your regulars and what makes them tick.' of 'It didn't take long to get to know your regulars and what made them tick.'
Several other guests sat in the waiting area to be seated - maybe '..sat in the waiting area waiting to be seated in the restaurant/dining area' but then you have 'waiting' mentioned twice in very close proximity.
That puppy's as hot as the flashing neon sign out front of the place that lured customers into the joint. - I'd delete 'of the place'
Robert's a real cracker for you, but don't get the muscle-bound, Harley riding, ex-Golden Gloves champion in a boxing ring. - I'd hyphenate 'Harley-riding'
All the top Country songs from the Legends who made the music famous, to the current crop of Cookie Cutter Cowboys played on the radio - I'm not sure about the capitalisation here. Maybe it's okay.
That all depended on who's quarter - should be 'whose quarter'
Dancing most definitely was not my favorite past time - one word - pastime
I watched my pees and ques around her - 'watched my p's and q's around her'
The content is spot-on, just a few edits needed in my view.
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 05-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020
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Thanks!
The exact kind of review I searched for.
All suggested edits addressed.
Comment from Cindy Warren
It's easy to imagine the place. It seems real. So do the characters. Good job on that.
'The hottie I was on the phone with.' is not a complete sentence. "Keep those customers coming back," Merwin was quick to tell us. I'd put a period after us and a capital on 'that's...
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2020
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It's easy to imagine the place. It seems real. So do the characters. Good job on that.
'The hottie I was on the phone with.' is not a complete sentence. "Keep those customers coming back," Merwin was quick to tell us. I'd put a period after us and a capital on 'that's...
Comment Written 04-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2020
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Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate your review.
Comment from damommy
I didn't see a thing wrong anywhere. Zach told the story very well and everyone seemed real. This reader could almost see them for herself. Good imagery throughout. I'd like to see more of this.
The only thing I saw was this:
-"Must be nice to own a ride like that," Julia told me." That last quotation mark after 'me' needs to be removed.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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I didn't see a thing wrong anywhere. Zach told the story very well and everyone seemed real. This reader could almost see them for herself. Good imagery throughout. I'd like to see more of this.
The only thing I saw was this:
-"Must be nice to own a ride like that," Julia told me." That last quotation mark after 'me' needs to be removed.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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Glad you enjoyed this story. Appreciate you taking the time to review it and point out that nit.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Very nice story, I like how you constructed your characters through the eyes of the young kid who dreams big and wants to work less:) for example the Irish stereotype :"Our ancient owner, Merwin is a stickler for details. A tried and true blue-blooded Irishman from way back, with flaming locks of red hair and a red beard, he must have sailed across the pond on the Mayflower from Galway". I really enjoyed this story so thank you for sharing and good luck with the next piece.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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Very nice story, I like how you constructed your characters through the eyes of the young kid who dreams big and wants to work less:) for example the Irish stereotype :"Our ancient owner, Merwin is a stickler for details. A tried and true blue-blooded Irishman from way back, with flaming locks of red hair and a red beard, he must have sailed across the pond on the Mayflower from Galway". I really enjoyed this story so thank you for sharing and good luck with the next piece.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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Glad you enjoyed this story. Appreciate your insights and the review.
Comment from Gail Denham
Well, you have it boiled down - one can only hope that this boy, this young man will keep working and keep a cheerful note in his voice as he does. Teaching a kid how to work is a parent's job until they finally are motivated by the need to pay for their truck.
Good job.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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Well, you have it boiled down - one can only hope that this boy, this young man will keep working and keep a cheerful note in his voice as he does. Teaching a kid how to work is a parent's job until they finally are motivated by the need to pay for their truck.
Good job.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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Glad you enjoyed this story. Appreciate the review.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a great story, good characters and great descriptions. The character, Zack, talks like I do--Southern and folksy. This piece sure brings back memories. Look at paragraph 14, end of the first line. Shouldn't "donned" be "dawned"?
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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This is a great story, good characters and great descriptions. The character, Zack, talks like I do--Southern and folksy. This piece sure brings back memories. Look at paragraph 14, end of the first line. Shouldn't "donned" be "dawned"?
Comment Written 25-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate the review.
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You're welcome.
