The Last Time
Charlie leaves and disappears.35 total reviews
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A very different and intriguing look at the prompt. I love the way you described why she wanted a different life, and even how she saved up the money to take a chance, but the inherent message of her lack of foresight was great. It's not enough to make preparations for a change without thinking out a plan.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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A very different and intriguing look at the prompt. I love the way you described why she wanted a different life, and even how she saved up the money to take a chance, but the inherent message of her lack of foresight was great. It's not enough to make preparations for a change without thinking out a plan.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 22-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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Thank you so much.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
A great little short in answer to this prompt and certainly one that could be based in reality... ;( ;( Thanx so much for sharing and best of luck ! ;)
farm were long...breaking. They --> farm meant long...breaking chores. They
Her friend's laughed --> Her friends laughed
But, Charlie never --> But Charlie never
look ahead . . .no last --> look ahead... no last
dealers searching the --> dealers, searching the
anyone ever saw Charlie again. --> anyone saw Charlie. Ever. [sentence ending is awkward as is...this is just a suggestion]
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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A great little short in answer to this prompt and certainly one that could be based in reality... ;( ;( Thanx so much for sharing and best of luck ! ;)
farm were long...breaking. They --> farm meant long...breaking chores. They
Her friend's laughed --> Her friends laughed
But, Charlie never --> But Charlie never
look ahead . . .no last --> look ahead... no last
dealers searching the --> dealers, searching the
anyone ever saw Charlie again. --> anyone saw Charlie. Ever. [sentence ending is awkward as is...this is just a suggestion]
Comment Written 22-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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Thanks so much for reading and suggestions.
Comment from RodG
Naive farm girl gets off bus in NYC, clutching her dreams and disappears. Too much time is spent on Charlie's backstory. I am curious about the narrator and how he (or she) came to know her.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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Naive farm girl gets off bus in NYC, clutching her dreams and disappears. Too much time is spent on Charlie's backstory. I am curious about the narrator and how he (or she) came to know her.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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Thank you for your input.
Comment from Susan X Smith
This is a sad but well-written story in keeping with the contest guidelines. I was originally expecting Charlie to be male, but of course many females also have that nickname. It sounds like she was poor which can only make it harder to survive.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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This is a sad but well-written story in keeping with the contest guidelines. I was originally expecting Charlie to be male, but of course many females also have that nickname. It sounds like she was poor which can only make it harder to survive.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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Thank you for reading.
Comment from LisaMay
This is a terrific story, starting off as a shining example of a girl sticking to her dreams to achieve a better life for herself, then the terrible reality of what happens to many when put into unfamiliar surroundings, at the mercy of murderers and predators. City life has made monsters.
I love the phrase "bus of dreams".
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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This is a terrific story, starting off as a shining example of a girl sticking to her dreams to achieve a better life for herself, then the terrible reality of what happens to many when put into unfamiliar surroundings, at the mercy of murderers and predators. City life has made monsters.
I love the phrase "bus of dreams".
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020
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Thank you.
