Hosea and the Lost Souls
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Blacksmith"Hosea seeks souls out west to cure his curse
9 total reviews
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi,
I've been reading all chapters to this point, but haven't comment on any but the first in order not to disrupt the flow of chapters.
I love your imagery. You totally paint a picture with words.
A tiny suggestion which you can take or leave, I liked the original name of the town with Purgatory being a nickname which your main character can discover for himself. Again, just one reader's perspective.
Very enjoyable and engaging,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 03-May-2020
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Hi,
I've been reading all chapters to this point, but haven't comment on any but the first in order not to disrupt the flow of chapters.
I love your imagery. You totally paint a picture with words.
A tiny suggestion which you can take or leave, I liked the original name of the town with Purgatory being a nickname which your main character can discover for himself. Again, just one reader's perspective.
Very enjoyable and engaging,
Rhonda
Comment Written 02-May-2020
reply by the author on 03-May-2020
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Thanks for this input. Much appreciated.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
Did you post anymore chapters of Purgatory Ridge? You write westerns very well. I would like to read all you have posted. Do keep writing your westerns. Yours are the only ones I've seen so far.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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Did you post anymore chapters of Purgatory Ridge? You write westerns very well. I would like to read all you have posted. Do keep writing your westerns. Yours are the only ones I've seen so far.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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Thanks so much. I'm going to keep working on this project too. I'm glad to know you. I put you on my fan list and if you do the same you will get my installments. And I will stay in touch with your writing too. Stan
Comment from Mistydawn
This is a very well-written, interesting chapter start to finish. It looks like the town is going to get their church after all. I like how you added a little backstory to Hosea's part. It makes him seem more realistic. I think your two changes are great ideas.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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This is a very well-written, interesting chapter start to finish. It looks like the town is going to get their church after all. I like how you added a little backstory to Hosea's part. It makes him seem more realistic. I think your two changes are great ideas.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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Thanks Misty!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
For sheer story-telling this deserves six stars, but I just used my last one before this selection. So no matter how wonderful this chapter sounds, I am going to point out some punctuation improvements.
Hosea rode his horse back into the edge of town, (added comma) where he could hear the pounding of the blacksmith's hammer on his anvil. (no fixes on next sentence)
Sparks flew around and singed the black beard of the beefy man. (Awesome 'b' alliteration there) Then he took his metal tong and placed the blade into the barrel of water, (added comma) where it sizzled and cooled. The smell of scolded (scalded) iron wafted through the air.
Hosea approached cautiously. The blacksmith turned where it was revealed he had one eye blind. (Just say: The blacksmith glanced up, his eye turning upward to reveal he was blind.) "What can I do fer ya?" (Good dialect).
"Excuse me, I'm new in town, but a Mrs. Laura Roberts thought it best if I asked you if my horse and I could board for the night." (No fixes)
He tugged and rubbed on his fried beard. "Mrs. Roberts, (added comma) eh?"
"Yes, sir, name's Hosea. (added apostrophe) I intend to build a house for the Lord on some land outside of town."
The blacksmith took his time, rubbing his chin, sorting through thoughts. He wore a blue denim bib without a shirt and had various scars running up and down his arms and across his chest. "If Mrs. Roberts asked, then I'm obliged to help. But all I got is an empty stable."
"That ill do just fine." (I would say "That'll do just fine.")
Hosea untied his horse from the post outside and walked him toward the empty stable. (No fixes) The blacksmith bobbed over to him. "My name is William. Folk...folk call me B...Billy." (Oh, stuttering shows up.)
Hosea nodded, pulled out some bills in his pocket, (added comma) and tried to pay Billy.
Billy held up his hand. "No...no sir. It's about one rung up from sleeping in...in the alley." (No fixes.)
Hosea could tell the beefy, intimidating man had a persistent studder. (stutter) He settled in the horse stable with Patches. He used his saddle with a spike of hay for a pillow. He pulled out some buffalo jerky and shared it with his horse. "This ain't so bad, Patches. A darn sight better than the salt flats, eh?"
****
Dirk Blake rode his horse, cloaked in darkness. She neighed and bucked, as if sniffing a mountain lion hiding among boulders. Dirk pulled his pistol and thumbed back his trigger, as the horse deftly threaded the trail until the lights of the front porch house glowed with oil lamps in each window. (This is great in description, but do you possibly mean 'the front porch of each house'?)
He eased from his saddle and walked on to the front porch with thuds and clomps from his boots. (A little too obvious of description. Maybe just: He eased down from his saddle, his dusty boots thudding to the front porch.) He knocked on the door and toyed with his moustache.
Mrs. Laura Roberts opened the door. The smell of roasted chicken found Dirk's nose and made his mouth water. "My goodness, (added comma) Laura, the smell alone is enough to make a scarecrow hungry."
Mr. Roberts walked across the varnished floor in the glow of oil lamps staged between them. He went toward Dirk and corralled him with a hug. "How are you, (added comma) Mr. Mayor? (Changed comma to ?) That is, depending on what hat you wear today."
Dirk hung his leather jacket on the coat rack along with his black hat, and then he (added he) wiped his alligator boots on the rug by the door.
Dirk looked at Lance. "I've been hearing someone new is in town. They say he claims to be a preacher. Came to dig for a vein of lost souls." (Super metaphor).
(No fixes on next two paragraphs)
Dirk sipped on his poured glass of brandy then sniffed it, allowing it to settle in his nose. He leaned in toward Lance, (took out 's, added comma) who sat near his side. "Folk might decide they need the church more than my saloon. Might not be good for business. But go ahead and approve his plot. We'll see how much sand he has in him for Purgatory. " (added quotation marks)
Lance, (added comma) all to eager to please, nodded, as they sipped on their glass of brandy.
As Laura walked in with steaming vegetables, she let her sarcasm flow like molten lava. "It would (added would) be a shame if folk put less (added less) money in an offering plate than they spent (added they spent) on whiskey and whores."
Laura's hot tongue drew criticism from Lance. "Your brother rebuilt this town, Laura. Have you no thanks?"
Laura smiled. "Part of a town's (added apostrophe) good foundation needs a place to thank God. Families who put down roots help a town grow."
"Time will tell," said Dirk, as he gnawed on a corn cob.
"Should I presume my brother to have soul?"
"Used to have one when we were kids, (added comma) Laura. No need here for it."
Laura's smile turned into a smirk (removed comma) as she served the men and waited on them. It made her husband frown more.
Dirk put his own thoughts in the open. "Thing is, (added comma) Laura, my sister, sometimes a preacher can be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Watch and see if his offerings don't line his pockets first." (No fix needed in last sentence.)
Before Laura could answer, Lance chimed in. "I bet this stranger has a checkered past."
The men snorted with laughter. Laura decided not to join them for dinner. The men tucked handkerchiefs (changed to plural) under their chins and feasted on chicken legs. Afterward the men sat on the front porch with a lantern, overlooking the town, smoking fat cigars and discussing the property business at hand.
As the men lounged, (added comma) Laura looked out the window in the lamplight and couldn't help but notice the steam coming from the rocks below. It made her wonder then (removed comma) what kind of foundation they had.
***
In the blacksmith's (added apostrophe) stable Hosea rested his head back on the pile of hay over his saddle. His horse, Patches, (added 2 commas, capitalized horse's name, Patches) lay (changed to lay) down in the hay, exhausted from the long journey, only lifting her head now and then to look at Hosea through black marble eyes.
Hosea pulled out his harmonica. In the peace and quiet, he waved his hand over the mouth organ, (added comma) creating a haunting rendition of the "Sweet by and By." (Not familiar with this song, but I think I would say: "Sweet By and By.")
The blacksmith could be heard from his cot on the other side of the half walls, snoring whenever Hosea took a break from his mouthpiece. A fire glowed from the pit where the man earned his station in life.
Hosea pulled out his pocket watch with the black and white faded photo of his wife in it, and to him it seemed like ages ago, a different lifetime. He looked into her dark eyes, her wisp of smile, her ruffled blouse, her raven hair in a bun. "I don't have a right to even look at you." A tear escaped an eye and trickled down his leathery skin. But it was never enough to put out the past fire that changed all.
Hosea tucked his pocket watch back in his vest and rested his eyes until they grew heavy as steel traps. He always prayed for a dreamless night, but this time he found himself in the old cave of a mine, until he followed the light to the other side that turned into a wall of fire. Before he knew it, his feet were glued to the ground, unable to move. (Added period instead of comma) He (capitalized He as beginning of new sentence) watched helpless, as his house in Chicago burned to the ground. He heard once more the blood-curdling screams of his wife and daughters. His mouth wide open, but unable to yell, he watched the burning house collapse. (Note various changes.)
Hosea shot up from his bed, his burned hands searching for an invisible door. He took a deep breath. His heart pounded like a hammer to an anvil. He eyes darted about the half-dark wood frame around him. A cold sweat cascaded across his forehead. His horse lifted from her side, startled, then she gently rested back against the hay.
Hosea's only solace was the vision from his death bed. A vision he'd yet to share. He tucked it back into his mind and slipped back to sleep. (No changes)
Such excellent writing here. Just need to pay attention to punctuation and grammar once in a while.
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For sheer story-telling this deserves six stars, but I just used my last one before this selection. So no matter how wonderful this chapter sounds, I am going to point out some punctuation improvements.
Hosea rode his horse back into the edge of town, (added comma) where he could hear the pounding of the blacksmith's hammer on his anvil. (no fixes on next sentence)
Sparks flew around and singed the black beard of the beefy man. (Awesome 'b' alliteration there) Then he took his metal tong and placed the blade into the barrel of water, (added comma) where it sizzled and cooled. The smell of scolded (scalded) iron wafted through the air.
Hosea approached cautiously. The blacksmith turned where it was revealed he had one eye blind. (Just say: The blacksmith glanced up, his eye turning upward to reveal he was blind.) "What can I do fer ya?" (Good dialect).
"Excuse me, I'm new in town, but a Mrs. Laura Roberts thought it best if I asked you if my horse and I could board for the night." (No fixes)
He tugged and rubbed on his fried beard. "Mrs. Roberts, (added comma) eh?"
"Yes, sir, name's Hosea. (added apostrophe) I intend to build a house for the Lord on some land outside of town."
The blacksmith took his time, rubbing his chin, sorting through thoughts. He wore a blue denim bib without a shirt and had various scars running up and down his arms and across his chest. "If Mrs. Roberts asked, then I'm obliged to help. But all I got is an empty stable."
"That ill do just fine." (I would say "That'll do just fine.")
Hosea untied his horse from the post outside and walked him toward the empty stable. (No fixes) The blacksmith bobbed over to him. "My name is William. Folk...folk call me B...Billy." (Oh, stuttering shows up.)
Hosea nodded, pulled out some bills in his pocket, (added comma) and tried to pay Billy.
Billy held up his hand. "No...no sir. It's about one rung up from sleeping in...in the alley." (No fixes.)
Hosea could tell the beefy, intimidating man had a persistent studder. (stutter) He settled in the horse stable with Patches. He used his saddle with a spike of hay for a pillow. He pulled out some buffalo jerky and shared it with his horse. "This ain't so bad, Patches. A darn sight better than the salt flats, eh?"
****
Dirk Blake rode his horse, cloaked in darkness. She neighed and bucked, as if sniffing a mountain lion hiding among boulders. Dirk pulled his pistol and thumbed back his trigger, as the horse deftly threaded the trail until the lights of the front porch house glowed with oil lamps in each window. (This is great in description, but do you possibly mean 'the front porch of each house'?)
He eased from his saddle and walked on to the front porch with thuds and clomps from his boots. (A little too obvious of description. Maybe just: He eased down from his saddle, his dusty boots thudding to the front porch.) He knocked on the door and toyed with his moustache.
Mrs. Laura Roberts opened the door. The smell of roasted chicken found Dirk's nose and made his mouth water. "My goodness, (added comma) Laura, the smell alone is enough to make a scarecrow hungry."
Mr. Roberts walked across the varnished floor in the glow of oil lamps staged between them. He went toward Dirk and corralled him with a hug. "How are you, (added comma) Mr. Mayor? (Changed comma to ?) That is, depending on what hat you wear today."
Dirk hung his leather jacket on the coat rack along with his black hat, and then he (added he) wiped his alligator boots on the rug by the door.
Dirk looked at Lance. "I've been hearing someone new is in town. They say he claims to be a preacher. Came to dig for a vein of lost souls." (Super metaphor).
(No fixes on next two paragraphs)
Dirk sipped on his poured glass of brandy then sniffed it, allowing it to settle in his nose. He leaned in toward Lance, (took out 's, added comma) who sat near his side. "Folk might decide they need the church more than my saloon. Might not be good for business. But go ahead and approve his plot. We'll see how much sand he has in him for Purgatory. " (added quotation marks)
Lance, (added comma) all to eager to please, nodded, as they sipped on their glass of brandy.
As Laura walked in with steaming vegetables, she let her sarcasm flow like molten lava. "It would (added would) be a shame if folk put less (added less) money in an offering plate than they spent (added they spent) on whiskey and whores."
Laura's hot tongue drew criticism from Lance. "Your brother rebuilt this town, Laura. Have you no thanks?"
Laura smiled. "Part of a town's (added apostrophe) good foundation needs a place to thank God. Families who put down roots help a town grow."
"Time will tell," said Dirk, as he gnawed on a corn cob.
"Should I presume my brother to have soul?"
"Used to have one when we were kids, (added comma) Laura. No need here for it."
Laura's smile turned into a smirk (removed comma) as she served the men and waited on them. It made her husband frown more.
Dirk put his own thoughts in the open. "Thing is, (added comma) Laura, my sister, sometimes a preacher can be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Watch and see if his offerings don't line his pockets first." (No fix needed in last sentence.)
Before Laura could answer, Lance chimed in. "I bet this stranger has a checkered past."
The men snorted with laughter. Laura decided not to join them for dinner. The men tucked handkerchiefs (changed to plural) under their chins and feasted on chicken legs. Afterward the men sat on the front porch with a lantern, overlooking the town, smoking fat cigars and discussing the property business at hand.
As the men lounged, (added comma) Laura looked out the window in the lamplight and couldn't help but notice the steam coming from the rocks below. It made her wonder then (removed comma) what kind of foundation they had.
***
In the blacksmith's (added apostrophe) stable Hosea rested his head back on the pile of hay over his saddle. His horse, Patches, (added 2 commas, capitalized horse's name, Patches) lay (changed to lay) down in the hay, exhausted from the long journey, only lifting her head now and then to look at Hosea through black marble eyes.
Hosea pulled out his harmonica. In the peace and quiet, he waved his hand over the mouth organ, (added comma) creating a haunting rendition of the "Sweet by and By." (Not familiar with this song, but I think I would say: "Sweet By and By.")
The blacksmith could be heard from his cot on the other side of the half walls, snoring whenever Hosea took a break from his mouthpiece. A fire glowed from the pit where the man earned his station in life.
Hosea pulled out his pocket watch with the black and white faded photo of his wife in it, and to him it seemed like ages ago, a different lifetime. He looked into her dark eyes, her wisp of smile, her ruffled blouse, her raven hair in a bun. "I don't have a right to even look at you." A tear escaped an eye and trickled down his leathery skin. But it was never enough to put out the past fire that changed all.
Hosea tucked his pocket watch back in his vest and rested his eyes until they grew heavy as steel traps. He always prayed for a dreamless night, but this time he found himself in the old cave of a mine, until he followed the light to the other side that turned into a wall of fire. Before he knew it, his feet were glued to the ground, unable to move. (Added period instead of comma) He (capitalized He as beginning of new sentence) watched helpless, as his house in Chicago burned to the ground. He heard once more the blood-curdling screams of his wife and daughters. His mouth wide open, but unable to yell, he watched the burning house collapse. (Note various changes.)
Hosea shot up from his bed, his burned hands searching for an invisible door. He took a deep breath. His heart pounded like a hammer to an anvil. He eyes darted about the half-dark wood frame around him. A cold sweat cascaded across his forehead. His horse lifted from her side, startled, then she gently rested back against the hay.
Hosea's only solace was the vision from his death bed. A vision he'd yet to share. He tucked it back into his mind and slipped back to sleep. (No changes)
Such excellent writing here. Just need to pay attention to punctuation and grammar once in a while.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2020
Comment from Shirley McLain
I like reading your story and I'm eager to read more. Great storyline. (As he parted with his horse and tethered him to the post outside the shop, ) You might think about rewriting this sentence as he can't part from his horse until after he ties it to the post. Shirley
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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I like reading your story and I'm eager to read more. Great storyline. (As he parted with his horse and tethered him to the post outside the shop, ) You might think about rewriting this sentence as he can't part from his horse until after he ties it to the post. Shirley
Comment Written 14-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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Thanks Shirley!
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Nice to see you. You are slow and steady with these chapters, but they are few and far apart. I miss you in between!
This was nice writing - I could visualize everything. Good job.
Some notes:
1.) The smell of sc(a)lded iron wafted through the air.
2.) "(That'll) do just fine."
3.) Hosea could tell the beefy, intimidating man had a persistent (stutter).
4.) "News travels around here faster than greased (lightning)," said Lance.
5.) He leaned in toward (Lance) who sat near his side.
6.) "It be a shame if folk put money in an offering plate (rather?) than on whiskey and whores."
--> something's missing in this sentence
7.) "Part of a town(')s good foundation needs a place to thank God.
--> "Part of a town's good foundation (is) a place to thank God.
8.) "Time will tell," said Dirk, as he gnawed on a corn cob.
--> on an ear of corn.
--> a corn cob is NOT tasty - hahaha
9.) The men tucked a handkerchief under their chins and feasted on chicken legs
--> one of them already did this AND they are already far into the meal
10.) In the blacksmith(')s stable Hosea rested his head back on the
--> that would be awfully itchy. Why wouldn't he just rest his head on the saddle and his body on the hay?
11.) His horse (P)atches laid down in the hay,
12.) His) eyes darted about the half-dark wood frame around him.
Thanks, friend. Hope this helps!
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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Stan,
Nice to see you. You are slow and steady with these chapters, but they are few and far apart. I miss you in between!
This was nice writing - I could visualize everything. Good job.
Some notes:
1.) The smell of sc(a)lded iron wafted through the air.
2.) "(That'll) do just fine."
3.) Hosea could tell the beefy, intimidating man had a persistent (stutter).
4.) "News travels around here faster than greased (lightning)," said Lance.
5.) He leaned in toward (Lance) who sat near his side.
6.) "It be a shame if folk put money in an offering plate (rather?) than on whiskey and whores."
--> something's missing in this sentence
7.) "Part of a town(')s good foundation needs a place to thank God.
--> "Part of a town's good foundation (is) a place to thank God.
8.) "Time will tell," said Dirk, as he gnawed on a corn cob.
--> on an ear of corn.
--> a corn cob is NOT tasty - hahaha
9.) The men tucked a handkerchief under their chins and feasted on chicken legs
--> one of them already did this AND they are already far into the meal
10.) In the blacksmith(')s stable Hosea rested his head back on the
--> that would be awfully itchy. Why wouldn't he just rest his head on the saddle and his body on the hay?
11.) His horse (P)atches laid down in the hay,
12.) His) eyes darted about the half-dark wood frame around him.
Thanks, friend. Hope this helps!
Comment Written 14-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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Thanks Robyn. Made changes!
Comment from Bill Pinder
I like this chapter in your book. In the intro, I think you meant to say "Renaissance. "
I like that phrase, "black beard of the beefy man."
I like the believable feel of the story with the characters and their dialogue.
That's a great line about digging for "a vein of lost souls."
Bill
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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I like this chapter in your book. In the intro, I think you meant to say "Renaissance. "
I like that phrase, "black beard of the beefy man."
I like the believable feel of the story with the characters and their dialogue.
That's a great line about digging for "a vein of lost souls."
Bill
Comment Written 14-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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Thanks!
Comment from BethShelby
This is excellent writing for this Western story. You characters seem real and you have good use of dialect. The preacher is an interesting character with some things haunting him from his past. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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This is excellent writing for this Western story. You characters seem real and you have good use of dialect. The preacher is an interesting character with some things haunting him from his past. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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Thanks Beth!
Comment from Raul1
This is a well written story. I think that this is a book in the making. The Blacksmith sure did had a real nightmare. It looked real at the time. Excellent work! Keep writing!
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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This is a well written story. I think that this is a book in the making. The Blacksmith sure did had a real nightmare. It looked real at the time. Excellent work! Keep writing!
Comment Written 13-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2020
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Thanks!
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You're welcome!
