Comment from Jasmine Girl

Excellent

This is a great piece of short story that really demonstrated your intended point:
maddening intrusion of life into our lives through cell phones.

You did a good job to tell a tale of tragedy to prove your point. I think most working mothers probably have the same problem. Fortunately most kids are not this kid who is so troubled.

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2020

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reply by the author on 26-Oct-2020

Thanks so much for your excellent review and your perspective of the story. It is in a very different style than many of my other pieces, but I wanted to create this tunnel vision intensity and frantic pace to articulate the sense of self focus and separation from people around you created by technology. estory

Comment from Bill Pinder

Excellent

I would give you six stars if I had it. This is a perfectly written stream of consciousness story about the incredible complexity and speed of life today. Thanks for addressing this message. I hope it encourages everyone to slow down and put close relationships Within their family first in order to prevent tragedies. Bill

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2020

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020

Thanks so much for the excellent review and your encouraging comments supporting this story. I think you got what I was trying to say, and I am glad the story was able to convey those feelings of a life pulled in so many directions, so effectively. thanks again, estory

Comment from ImaginosBuzzardoDesdinova

Excellent

What a horrible thing to happen to a mother. She thought the danger was from her ex husband when it was in fact from her son. It just shows how important communication can be. Of course, William might have wanted to lure her somewhere in order to kill her, and maybe he killed the others in her stead? And then to burden her with the guilt of all those deaths as his final words. That will stick in her heart forever.

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2020

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2020

Thanks so much for the excellent review and your interesting perspective on this story. I wanted to convey this sense of our lives being distracted and pulled apart by our addiction to devices, and the subsequent neglect of the physical aspects of our relationships that are so important. From the reviews, I gather that there was more sympathy for the mother than I intended, although there is something of a victim, if not a willing victim, in her too. It will probably need some revisions at some point and more expansion of the character of William. estory

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi estory, you certanly succeded with the intensity. Unfortunately it also told the sad story that happens all the time in the USA. Yes, the boy was disturbed and felt neglected, but how did he get his gun? Look at the gun laws. That would have been good to have been part of the story. Otherwise well written. Ulla:))

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2020

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reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020

Thanks so much for the excellent review and for your continued support of my work. I am glad you found it so moving. The story is really about the neglect part, without which probably none of this would have happened, and even without a gun, probably would have gone very bad. I contemplated expanding it a bit and may still in the future to somehow work in more of the shooting, and bring that element into this story. All the gun laws in the world will be too late now. There are 300 million guns in this country and it is too late. estory

Comment from damommy

Excellent

You certainly succeeded with the intensity of this story. I felt rushed myself, and found myself reading faster and faster. That's good writing. What a whirlwind life this woman had. But her son was old enough to understand. He sounds like a spoiled brat wanting attention.

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2020

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reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020

Thanks so much for the excellent review and for your encouraging comments on the story. I am glad that the whirlwind effect of the writing seemed to have worked to create this sense of the woman being pulled in so many directions through the technology. I imagined this kid as a college kid, and college kids deserve some attention, I think. There's no question the mother ignored him for her own life. My point here is that technology is really not a good thing for humans. We need to focus on the here and now before us in that moment. estory

Comment from juliaSjames

Excellent

A very well written story, Estory. The part jumped out at me where the mother was providing for her son's material needs but ignoring his emotional issues because she's embroiled in her own emotional whirlwind.

I don't see technology as the villain. It plays a role sure. But it doesn't cause the tragedy.

Blessings Julia

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2020

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reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020

Thanks for the excellent review and all your comments supporting this story. I think you were pretty much spot on in the theme, which is about the mother being pulled away from the relationship with her son by the technology. I definitely see the technology as part of the villain. Technology is not good for humans. I could go further and call it out for what it is, but not yet. We need to focus on the here and now before us in real life. estory

Comment from the13thpoet

Excellent

Hello Estory, a tgiFriday to you. I hope this finds you well, in good health and spirit. Thank you for sharing that story with us. It was well-written and engaging, albeit tragic in the end. Kind of left me speechless. Good job and have a great day.

Happy Valentine's Day!

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2020

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reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020

Thank you so much for the excellent review and your comments and perspective on this story. I am glad it left you speechless; that means I did my job and got the emotions flowing. I wanted a bit of a shock at the end to jar the senses and I guess it worked. estory

Comment from Sally Law

Excellent

Wow, this was so well penned, dear estory. The squeaky wheel was ignored and the grease not applied, I suppose. Unfortunately, this story could happen today in the culture we live. I think our cellphones distract too much from what is important. I'm blind and use mine in particular to keep in contact with those closest to me. Everyone else must wait. This woman has a needy, chaotic life with a son who was acting out for attention. Powerfully impacting. Much was implied of the destruction that comes by way of divorce. Unfortunately, I know of this devestation since I was a child.

My only suggestion would be to add some art, either by FanArt Review or your own.

Sending out my best today as always,
Sally xo

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2020

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reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020

Thanks so much for the excellent review and I think you got exactly what I was trying to get across. The evils of technology, the damage of divorce and the dysfunction of unfocused parents. All these forces work to pull this mother apart and leave the son frustrated and abandoned. I wanted some shock value at the end. This is creative writing here; I leave the art work to the artists. estory

Comment from Debbie Pope

Excellent

This intriguing story just wore me out. You do such a great job of making the reader feel the intensity of this person's life. I was caught in the maelstrom. My sympathies are torn. I probably don't have as much sympathy for the young person as you might have intended. Sounds like the parent is trying awfully hard, and the child is too needy.
Anyway, it's excellent story. I wish that I had a six star to give you.

 Comment Written 13-Feb-2020

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reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020

Thanks for the excellent review and for your perspective on the story. A few people mentioned their sympathies lie with the woman; I guess that portrait of her as overwhelmed by all these parts of her life came across really well. But that certainly is one of the main themes of the story. I may need to expand a bit on the kid to create the sympathy I wanted for him. estory

reply by Debbie Pope on 15-Feb-2020

What an intelligent response. You saw what I was trying to say. I mentioned my empathy for the woman because I thought you might be planning to put some of the blame on her. I think that is a good way to go. Whenever I hear about mass shootings by young people, I naturally put some of the blame on the killer's parents.
The line that threw me off was
"My son sent me another message. He said he wasn't feeling well and that he wanted to talk to me. I really didn't think anything of it because he's always wanting to talk to me."
That line makes it sound as though she responds to him a lot and knows that it is not ever anything important. Sort of like the boy who cried wolf. Sounds like the mom usually helps him like she is trying to help everyone else in her life.

Comment from Gert sherwood

Excellent

Hello estory
I tell one thing you had me wishing the calls you were receiving would stop.
If it was me receiving all the calls let the answering machine take them. I tell you one thing your short story was good, actually I started to read you story too fast and made myself slow down.
Gert

 Comment Written 13-Feb-2020

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reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020

Thanks so much for the excellent review and your comments and perspective on the story. I am glad that whirlwind effect of the hectic helter skelter life came across so well. It is written in a dense, intense style that is very different from most of the other pieces in my work and in this collection. estory