The Book of Retirement
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "His List"Short story about a fictive retirement
11 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
This is the first of the retirement book I've seen but it is a chapter that made me smile. The husband and wife have totally different ideas about what the husband's retirement should be like. I think it drives women a little crazy to have their husbands underfoot. They feel they need to keep them busy to keep them out of their hair. LOL
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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This is the first of the retirement book I've seen but it is a chapter that made me smile. The husband and wife have totally different ideas about what the husband's retirement should be like. I think it drives women a little crazy to have their husbands underfoot. They feel they need to keep them busy to keep them out of their hair. LOL
Comment Written 13-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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So true, but this guy as you guess is my husband and he promised to paint the house when he retire...so you got my point. now I have half wall painted in each room since December and I don't think is going to be done soon.
Comment from lyenochka
Ah, poor guy. It's like that after retirement, busier than ever. Too bad they aren't doing the list together.
"felt that landed from a perfect" (he landed)
'exclaim:" Oh, my (exclaimed)
'Surprise' maybe add an exclamation point.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Ah, poor guy. It's like that after retirement, busier than ever. Too bad they aren't doing the list together.
"felt that landed from a perfect" (he landed)
'exclaim:" Oh, my (exclaimed)
'Surprise' maybe add an exclamation point.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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So true, but this guy as you guess is my husband and he promised to paint the house when he retire...so you got my point. now I have half wall painted in each room since December and I don't think is going to be done soon. Thank you for the grammar suggestions as well:)
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Lol! That's something I can relate to. There's are patches unpainted on the outside of the house - it's been five years now.
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Yeah but he promised 2 weeks and I think I am going to die and see it from the other side unfinshed
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear author, A very well constructed and written script.
( I certainly would not choose to be this scenario, on either side )
You asked for suggestions, Here is mine: In the big long paragraph you write "Mr Shoe put her painting project on hold" I would suggest that you put the word 'her' in some of the fancy script you used elsewhere, because I kept thinking that I needed to tell you to change the 'her' to
' his' . . I finally figured it out!
Using the 'script writing,' will help dummy reviewers like me.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Dear author, A very well constructed and written script.
( I certainly would not choose to be this scenario, on either side )
You asked for suggestions, Here is mine: In the big long paragraph you write "Mr Shoe put her painting project on hold" I would suggest that you put the word 'her' in some of the fancy script you used elsewhere, because I kept thinking that I needed to tell you to change the 'her' to
' his' . . I finally figured it out!
Using the 'script writing,' will help dummy reviewers like me.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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So true, but this guy as you guess is my husband and he promised to paint the house when he retire...so you got my point. now I have half wall painted in each room since December and I don't think is going to be done soon. Thank you for the grammar suggestions as well:)
Comment from GE Parson
Iza, I was really enjoying your poem and smiling all through it, until line # 5. I detest that word. It didn't add any greatness to your write, in fact in my opinion, it wrecked the entire story; like one broken link in a chain, the entire chain is broken, so this one word ruined the entire reading for me. That's why I rated it 4* -Parson
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Iza, I was really enjoying your poem and smiling all through it, until line # 5. I detest that word. It didn't add any greatness to your write, in fact in my opinion, it wrecked the entire story; like one broken link in a chain, the entire chain is broken, so this one word ruined the entire reading for me. That's why I rated it 4* -Parson
Comment Written 12-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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No worries about the rating, and this story is my personal rant. My husband does things in slow motion he starts something and is not finished until a couple of years later.... Now he wanted to paint our apartment, and he did half a wall in each room. He strated doing this in November. He worked 30 minutes in two weeks. We are in February and he never finished and doesn't late me do it myself. So as you can guess my house looks like ... Heaven, and I can invite anybody over because of the ongoing Picasso project.
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I'm sorry Iza for your situation. I know it must be very frustrating. What would he do if you finished what he started while he was at work;or when he started a project you help by handing him the paint brush or the hammer; or when he acts like he is going to quit, you "very graciously" suggest "Well honey, lets keep working, we only have a little more to do."
I ask my wife what she would do if I was like your husband, and she wondered if he was hurting and couldn't keep working or would ask me "When are "WE" going to finish it?" But of course we don't know your husband's temperament, so maybe these suggestions won't work. Jerry
Comment from royowen
The trouble those lists wouldn't help us in our retirement years, we are simply too busy to incorporate them in our lives. It's funny, we both fill our lives with all sorts of things, but thank you for this, it's most informative Iza. Love the humour that underpins it, well done, Blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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The trouble those lists wouldn't help us in our retirement years, we are simply too busy to incorporate them in our lives. It's funny, we both fill our lives with all sorts of things, but thank you for this, it's most informative Iza. Love the humour that underpins it, well done, Blessings Roy
Comment Written 12-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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So true, but at least we need to try:)
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Well done
Comment from Marjon van Bruggen
Iza, now this is a real lazy old fellow! I like him though, you still are able to depict him as a nice old man. It is a funny story but at the same time gives me an insight into a man's and a wife's expectations of changes taken place in their domestic life as soon as the dreaded (for some) retirement finally becomes a fact.
That the wife does not have the same ideas as her lazy husband becomes funnily clear. And who blames her? I do not!
Here and there some small grammar errors occur: here is what I saw:
1. In the second line, you used for the second time the word "retirement" I think it would make a more interesting read if you wrote something like "for the occasion".
2. He gave up the dolce far niente...etc. Remove the comma. Not needed.
3. To all her demands he said: yes Mommy but continued...etc. (keep the past tense)
4. They pretended that everything was ok ...etc
5. and happily exclaimed...etc.
6. Mr. Shoe kept his...etc.
7. To my surprise I found four...etc.
8. Also here I would try to use an other description of "running in the background", but that is up to you, of course.
An entertaining chapter that made me laugh. Because of the little flaws, I give 4 stars.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Iza, now this is a real lazy old fellow! I like him though, you still are able to depict him as a nice old man. It is a funny story but at the same time gives me an insight into a man's and a wife's expectations of changes taken place in their domestic life as soon as the dreaded (for some) retirement finally becomes a fact.
That the wife does not have the same ideas as her lazy husband becomes funnily clear. And who blames her? I do not!
Here and there some small grammar errors occur: here is what I saw:
1. In the second line, you used for the second time the word "retirement" I think it would make a more interesting read if you wrote something like "for the occasion".
2. He gave up the dolce far niente...etc. Remove the comma. Not needed.
3. To all her demands he said: yes Mommy but continued...etc. (keep the past tense)
4. They pretended that everything was ok ...etc
5. and happily exclaimed...etc.
6. Mr. Shoe kept his...etc.
7. To my surprise I found four...etc.
8. Also here I would try to use an other description of "running in the background", but that is up to you, of course.
An entertaining chapter that made me laugh. Because of the little flaws, I give 4 stars.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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No worries about the star:), I care more about the correction of the grammar and the entertainment aspect. Thank you for reading and for your corrections.
Comment from Aaqib Naeem
Haha this was a fun read! Oh the poor old couple having to spend all their time together after retirement...it can be difficult in some cases as most couples are not used to having each other around all the time and kind of used to their own 'me' time and privacy of sorts.
The lists from both husband and wife were funny as well. Keep writing! :-)
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Haha this was a fun read! Oh the poor old couple having to spend all their time together after retirement...it can be difficult in some cases as most couples are not used to having each other around all the time and kind of used to their own 'me' time and privacy of sorts.
The lists from both husband and wife were funny as well. Keep writing! :-)
Comment Written 12-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Thank you so much Mr. Aaqib for your continuous support with this piece. I wish you a wonderful week end.
Comment from robyn corum
Iza,
Very interesting. Though I'm not quite sure this piece can quite stand alone, I think I got most of the gist of it. This man has retired and thinks he gets to be lazy, but his wife has other ideas. haha
Wonder how many men that has happened to ???? Probably far too many to count!!!
It looks like this may be an on-going story? Some of it confused me, I admit. I can't figure out who the speaker/writer may be. It's not the wife because the writer REFERS to her right off the bat and again at the end. It's someone who has seen the man's list. Hmmm... Interesting!
Other notes:
1.) Suddenly he felt that (he had) landed from a perfect democratic position - his work, in(to) a freaking
2.) To all her demands he (said) yes mommy but continue(d) to keep up his own list running in the background.
3.) They pretended that everything (was) (okay) for a while.
--> please note that you keep switching from past tense to present. You cannot do that. You must pick one and stick with it throughout the entire story.
--> note - always spell out 'okay' in narrative. 'ok' is just shorthand- this should also be corrected throughout the piece, please
4.) The wife came home and happily exclaim(ed):
--> another instance of incorrect verb tense. I won't mark anymore of these - but you need to go through and make sure all verbs are in agreement. (If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.)
5.) After all he got at least fifty more years to live,
--> After all(, he planned to live at least fifty more years)...
6.) Between you and me, he always had
--> who is the 'me'? Who is the writer/speaker?
7.) Walk out every time (wifey) comes home
Thanks for sharing! Hope this helps!
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Iza,
Very interesting. Though I'm not quite sure this piece can quite stand alone, I think I got most of the gist of it. This man has retired and thinks he gets to be lazy, but his wife has other ideas. haha
Wonder how many men that has happened to ???? Probably far too many to count!!!
It looks like this may be an on-going story? Some of it confused me, I admit. I can't figure out who the speaker/writer may be. It's not the wife because the writer REFERS to her right off the bat and again at the end. It's someone who has seen the man's list. Hmmm... Interesting!
Other notes:
1.) Suddenly he felt that (he had) landed from a perfect democratic position - his work, in(to) a freaking
2.) To all her demands he (said) yes mommy but continue(d) to keep up his own list running in the background.
3.) They pretended that everything (was) (okay) for a while.
--> please note that you keep switching from past tense to present. You cannot do that. You must pick one and stick with it throughout the entire story.
--> note - always spell out 'okay' in narrative. 'ok' is just shorthand- this should also be corrected throughout the piece, please
4.) The wife came home and happily exclaim(ed):
--> another instance of incorrect verb tense. I won't mark anymore of these - but you need to go through and make sure all verbs are in agreement. (If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.)
5.) After all he got at least fifty more years to live,
--> After all(, he planned to live at least fifty more years)...
6.) Between you and me, he always had
--> who is the 'me'? Who is the writer/speaker?
7.) Walk out every time (wifey) comes home
Thanks for sharing! Hope this helps!
Comment Written 12-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. Also your grammar corrections are greatly appreciated.
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welcome!
Comment from Y. M. Roger
A very interesting offering of how retirement affects a marriage! :) The transition to first person toward the end is very out of place and does not fit with the rest of piece. Everything is written from his POV and then a sudden shift to the author POV... is the author the wife? It is very disconcerting... I think the presentation and use of the lists is a very good tool and allows you to introduce some humor... :) :) Thank you for sharing! ;)
list goes on and --> list went on and
Suddenly he felt --> Suddenly, he felt
that landed from a perfect democratic position - his work, in a freaking totalitarian regime, at home. --> that he'd transferred from a perfect democratic position - his work - into a totalitarian regime at home. [you just used the word 'freaking' in the previous sentence...]
He gave up, the dolce far niente from being an employee, to the full-time --> He gave up the dolce far niente of being an employee for the full-time
he says yes mommy but continue to --> he'd say yes mommy, but he continued to
everything is ok --> everything was okay
Shoe was keeping his painting tools ready, and to --> Shoe kept his painting tools ready, and, to
wall. The wife came home and happily exclaim:" Oh, my Picasso." --> wall. [new paragraph begins here] The wife came home and happily exclaimed, "Oh, my Picasso!"
Soon he got --> Soon, he got
After all he got at least --> After all, he had at least
be ok. He thought --> be okay. [new paragraph here] He thought
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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A very interesting offering of how retirement affects a marriage! :) The transition to first person toward the end is very out of place and does not fit with the rest of piece. Everything is written from his POV and then a sudden shift to the author POV... is the author the wife? It is very disconcerting... I think the presentation and use of the lists is a very good tool and allows you to introduce some humor... :) :) Thank you for sharing! ;)
list goes on and --> list went on and
Suddenly he felt --> Suddenly, he felt
that landed from a perfect democratic position - his work, in a freaking totalitarian regime, at home. --> that he'd transferred from a perfect democratic position - his work - into a totalitarian regime at home. [you just used the word 'freaking' in the previous sentence...]
He gave up, the dolce far niente from being an employee, to the full-time --> He gave up the dolce far niente of being an employee for the full-time
he says yes mommy but continue to --> he'd say yes mommy, but he continued to
everything is ok --> everything was okay
Shoe was keeping his painting tools ready, and to --> Shoe kept his painting tools ready, and, to
wall. The wife came home and happily exclaim:" Oh, my Picasso." --> wall. [new paragraph begins here] The wife came home and happily exclaimed, "Oh, my Picasso!"
Soon he got --> Soon, he got
After all he got at least --> After all, he had at least
be ok. He thought --> be okay. [new paragraph here] He thought
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Yup the author is his wife and I am living with this "raccon" for 11 years. Thank you for your review and the grammar corrections.
Comment from Susan X Smith
In line six of the paragraph that starts "they pretended...." you use the word "salve" and I think you meant "slave." The story really picks up at the end where it becomes very amusing. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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In line six of the paragraph that starts "they pretended...." you use the word "salve" and I think you meant "slave." The story really picks up at the end where it becomes very amusing. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Thank you so much Ms. Susan for reading and for the corrections:) I wish you a wonderful week end
