An Angel in the Meadow
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "A Black Panther for Bret!"A Tennessee Romance!
20 total reviews
Comment from Lu Saluna
This was an action packed chapter. A lot happened here. Angel was in the hospital recovering from her snake bite. Who was the woman Bret went off with that had Angel so upset about?
You did leave us hanging and wanting more. I sure want to read the next chapter as soon as possible. A black panther, that is exciting.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2020
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This was an action packed chapter. A lot happened here. Angel was in the hospital recovering from her snake bite. Who was the woman Bret went off with that had Angel so upset about?
You did leave us hanging and wanting more. I sure want to read the next chapter as soon as possible. A black panther, that is exciting.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2020
-
A "SALUTE," our dear friend!
Thanks for the review, kind words, and taking the time to read our work. All of which is an honor. Best wishes for an awesome weekend and God Bless.
Respectfully with Admiration,
Cathy and Bill
Comment from Aaron Milavec
This review is one of the most challenging I've ever encountered. I was tempted to just remain silent; yet, Cathy & Bill say they want honest feedback . . . so here goes. I pray to God that I don't knock the wind out of their sails.
On the positive side, I fully understand that Cathy & Bill are creating folk literature for amusement. The forms of expression and of acting represent a cultural portrait of folks in the Smoky Mountains. Even a Northern Yankee can appreciate that the events are shot through with both mild and outrageous sarcasm. The best example of the latter is this: "her top side gets to where she's going ten minutes before the rest of her." The worst case of this is Angel's immediate fear that Bret is ready and willing to chase just any skirt that comes along.
But there are three serious problems in their narrative.
#1 The authors appear to be completely unaware of how debilitating it is to be changing the narrator (point of view) at the drop of a hat. This chapter begins by narrating the experience of Bret. [text = I quickly ran across the meadow ....] In the next moment, however, Angel suddenly becomes the narrator and her point of view is expressed. [text = Bret was sitting next to me, holding my hand. . . .] Then, out of the blue, an independent third-person narrator takes over. [text = The Star of David beamed down its hello. . . .] Then, mid-paragraph, Bret suddenly returns as narrator. [text = I had heard it many times and knew right off it was a black panther.]
As a reader, I was dizzy with these point of view changes. Authors do get away with this, but they do so by having alternate chapters following Angel and Bret. As things now stand the narrative wobbles back and forth and fails to have the consistency that your story deserves. See details here = https://www.literautas.com/en/blog/post-182/types-of-narrators-point-of-view-in-fiction-writing/ https://www.literautas.com/en/blog/post-182/types-of-narrators-point-of-view-in-fiction-writing/
#2 The authors appear to be unaware of how unorthodox and irresponsible their "God talk" appears in the ears of someone like me who uses the bible as his guide. The god [sic] of this narrative, on face value, seems to be deciding who gets bit by a snake, who arrives at the hospital safely, who survives at the hospital, who gets mauled by a panther. Neither the Hebrew Scriptures nor the Christian Scriptures expect that G-d micromanages creation to the degree that this narrative presupposes. Even Jesus was critical of the religious speculations of his day: "Those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem? No, I tell you" (Luke 13:4).
Mark Twain once observed, "It ain't so much the things that people don't know that makes trouble in this world, as it is the things that people know that ain't so. Hence, you may want to check out https://freethinkingministries.com/god-evil-a-rapid-fire-response/
Some authors present religious characters in exaggerated terms because their real intent is to mock and discredit religious feelings entirely. I don't think that Cathy & Bill are doing this, but I am not sufficiently familiar with the genre of this narration to say for certain.
#3 The authors appear to be unaware of the nature of wild life. Bunnies are cute; snakes are bad. This is a simplistic view of the natural world. Bunnies are wild animals. They are not made to be petted, cuddled, and fed by humans. They have the wisdom (given to them by their Creator) to take care of themselves. Same goes for snakes. The narrative gives the impression that snakes go around biting humans. They don't. They deliberately avoid humans if at all possible. They bite only when they are cornered and have to retaliate against a "beast" 100 times their weight." I went to the internet to confirm my experience on these points:
About 7,000-8,000 people get venomous snake bites in the U.S. each year, but only five of them die as a result."
"Very few snakes are aggressive, and most snakes will avoid humans. Snakes only attack in self-defense, so people should not attempt to interact with these animals in the wild. If someone comes into contact with a snake, they should back away slowly, giving the snake enough space to retreat." (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324007.php#treatment)
When you get bitten by a snake, you don't immediately think of God/god. You experience pain, usually extreme pain. Your first and overriding instinct is to defend yourself or to run away (fight or flight). The snake, meanwhile, doesn't stay around ready to deliver a second and third bite. So what might you do? First, you examine the wound to see whether the bite comes from a poisonous or a non-poisonous snake. If poisonous, you give first aid before there is any thought of transporting the victim to a hospital. First aid in this case involves (following the Scout handbook) applying a tourniquet and sucking out some or most of the poison. Mountain folks might be expected to know these things. They have to get by without doctors for the most part. Hence, I am suspicious. . . .
The Bret and Angel of this story act very much like city folks. They imagine that snake bites are poisonous and result in death. Most don't. They imagine that one has to rush (carelessly) to the hospital so a doctor can heal. They have no idea whatsoever of how a doctor treats snake bites. In fact, it would not surprise me that the authors of the story never picked up a snake, never witnessed anyone being bitten by a snake, and never observed a doctor treating a snake bite. So it would appear that Cathy & Bill are writing about things (snakes and panthers) that they don't really understand. They got the lingo of the mountain folks down pat; but they are strangers to the wild animals that inhabit the Smokey Mountains.
Note this: "For the past hundred years, many Southerners have believed a version of this story about the fate of the panther--otherwise known as the cougar, puma, or mountain lion--in the Great Smoky Mountains. A few years after the attack, the panther was pronounced extinct in the region. But for as long as officials have maintained that the panther is no more, scores of park visitors and locals have insisted otherwise." (https://gardenandgun.com/articles/cougars-roam-smoky-mountains/)
You might ask, "In a piece of fiction, can't the authors freely invent facts." Not really. For a piece of fiction to be credible, it has to conform to the range of facts generally recognized by its readers. This is why Mark Twain said, "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't."
I would be careful to credit everything I say above. Go check it out for yourself. Ask other writers whom you already trust. Show them my evaluation and ask them what parts are valuable and what should be ignored.
I would appreciate receiving a copy of any such feedback that you receive. I would also appreciate knowing how you would grade each of the three issues that I bring before you (A+ to F).
In any case, be assured that I did my best to suggest ways of improving your writing. I'm secretly glad that you are at the beginning of your novel and that you have a chance to put #1 into practice asap.
Joy and peace as you improve your art of writing,
Aaron
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2020
 |
This review is one of the most challenging I've ever encountered. I was tempted to just remain silent; yet, Cathy & Bill say they want honest feedback . . . so here goes. I pray to God that I don't knock the wind out of their sails.
On the positive side, I fully understand that Cathy & Bill are creating folk literature for amusement. The forms of expression and of acting represent a cultural portrait of folks in the Smoky Mountains. Even a Northern Yankee can appreciate that the events are shot through with both mild and outrageous sarcasm. The best example of the latter is this: "her top side gets to where she's going ten minutes before the rest of her." The worst case of this is Angel's immediate fear that Bret is ready and willing to chase just any skirt that comes along.
But there are three serious problems in their narrative.
#1 The authors appear to be completely unaware of how debilitating it is to be changing the narrator (point of view) at the drop of a hat. This chapter begins by narrating the experience of Bret. [text = I quickly ran across the meadow ....] In the next moment, however, Angel suddenly becomes the narrator and her point of view is expressed. [text = Bret was sitting next to me, holding my hand. . . .] Then, out of the blue, an independent third-person narrator takes over. [text = The Star of David beamed down its hello. . . .] Then, mid-paragraph, Bret suddenly returns as narrator. [text = I had heard it many times and knew right off it was a black panther.]
As a reader, I was dizzy with these point of view changes. Authors do get away with this, but they do so by having alternate chapters following Angel and Bret. As things now stand the narrative wobbles back and forth and fails to have the consistency that your story deserves. See details here = https://www.literautas.com/en/blog/post-182/types-of-narrators-point-of-view-in-fiction-writing/ https://www.literautas.com/en/blog/post-182/types-of-narrators-point-of-view-in-fiction-writing/
#2 The authors appear to be unaware of how unorthodox and irresponsible their "God talk" appears in the ears of someone like me who uses the bible as his guide. The god [sic] of this narrative, on face value, seems to be deciding who gets bit by a snake, who arrives at the hospital safely, who survives at the hospital, who gets mauled by a panther. Neither the Hebrew Scriptures nor the Christian Scriptures expect that G-d micromanages creation to the degree that this narrative presupposes. Even Jesus was critical of the religious speculations of his day: "Those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem? No, I tell you" (Luke 13:4).
Mark Twain once observed, "It ain't so much the things that people don't know that makes trouble in this world, as it is the things that people know that ain't so. Hence, you may want to check out https://freethinkingministries.com/god-evil-a-rapid-fire-response/
Some authors present religious characters in exaggerated terms because their real intent is to mock and discredit religious feelings entirely. I don't think that Cathy & Bill are doing this, but I am not sufficiently familiar with the genre of this narration to say for certain.
#3 The authors appear to be unaware of the nature of wild life. Bunnies are cute; snakes are bad. This is a simplistic view of the natural world. Bunnies are wild animals. They are not made to be petted, cuddled, and fed by humans. They have the wisdom (given to them by their Creator) to take care of themselves. Same goes for snakes. The narrative gives the impression that snakes go around biting humans. They don't. They deliberately avoid humans if at all possible. They bite only when they are cornered and have to retaliate against a "beast" 100 times their weight." I went to the internet to confirm my experience on these points:
About 7,000-8,000 people get venomous snake bites in the U.S. each year, but only five of them die as a result."
"Very few snakes are aggressive, and most snakes will avoid humans. Snakes only attack in self-defense, so people should not attempt to interact with these animals in the wild. If someone comes into contact with a snake, they should back away slowly, giving the snake enough space to retreat." (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324007.php#treatment)
When you get bitten by a snake, you don't immediately think of God/god. You experience pain, usually extreme pain. Your first and overriding instinct is to defend yourself or to run away (fight or flight). The snake, meanwhile, doesn't stay around ready to deliver a second and third bite. So what might you do? First, you examine the wound to see whether the bite comes from a poisonous or a non-poisonous snake. If poisonous, you give first aid before there is any thought of transporting the victim to a hospital. First aid in this case involves (following the Scout handbook) applying a tourniquet and sucking out some or most of the poison. Mountain folks might be expected to know these things. They have to get by without doctors for the most part. Hence, I am suspicious. . . .
The Bret and Angel of this story act very much like city folks. They imagine that snake bites are poisonous and result in death. Most don't. They imagine that one has to rush (carelessly) to the hospital so a doctor can heal. They have no idea whatsoever of how a doctor treats snake bites. In fact, it would not surprise me that the authors of the story never picked up a snake, never witnessed anyone being bitten by a snake, and never observed a doctor treating a snake bite. So it would appear that Cathy & Bill are writing about things (snakes and panthers) that they don't really understand. They got the lingo of the mountain folks down pat; but they are strangers to the wild animals that inhabit the Smokey Mountains.
Note this: "For the past hundred years, many Southerners have believed a version of this story about the fate of the panther--otherwise known as the cougar, puma, or mountain lion--in the Great Smoky Mountains. A few years after the attack, the panther was pronounced extinct in the region. But for as long as officials have maintained that the panther is no more, scores of park visitors and locals have insisted otherwise." (https://gardenandgun.com/articles/cougars-roam-smoky-mountains/)
You might ask, "In a piece of fiction, can't the authors freely invent facts." Not really. For a piece of fiction to be credible, it has to conform to the range of facts generally recognized by its readers. This is why Mark Twain said, "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't."
I would be careful to credit everything I say above. Go check it out for yourself. Ask other writers whom you already trust. Show them my evaluation and ask them what parts are valuable and what should be ignored.
I would appreciate receiving a copy of any such feedback that you receive. I would also appreciate knowing how you would grade each of the three issues that I bring before you (A+ to F).
In any case, be assured that I did my best to suggest ways of improving your writing. I'm secretly glad that you are at the beginning of your novel and that you have a chance to put #1 into practice asap.
Joy and peace as you improve your art of writing,
Aaron
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2020
-
Aaron!
Opinion's are like . . . "Of course you know!" Most everyone has one; yet, Some smell worse than others. You didn't blemish our credibility as writers--"JUST YOUR OWN!" God Bless,
Bill (Commando)
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your beautiful cover highlights what will be on the pages of this novel, Bill and Cathy. I loved reading it. I have read many chapters in several of your collaborative novels; and, never tire of reading the next one--however many that 'one' may be. You work well together to develop each chapter, character, and completed novel. I like how each one begins with a synopsis of the last chapter to refresh my mind OR entice new readers to follow the book.
I never doubted the "Smoky Mountain" dialect as that is so appropriate to the setting and the characters. All of 'those' words are fitting to the circumstances; and, readers should be able to decipher each and every one.
I love how this chapter began with immediate action by Bret to save Angel after the snake bite. Your word choices aptly describe his frantic condition and provide another example of his love of Angel.
The hospital scene shows Bret's way with words while he is talking to and about the doctors. I believe he is trying to comprehend them and reassure not only Angel but himself. I could picture Angel drifting in and out of full consciousness as Bret talks with her. Angel's thoughts about the nurse--true or not--clearly express Bret's histrionics--an ingrained trait of his personality.
I love the interjections of both characters when they are speaking to God; or, when God speaks to them. Those times are an indication of true faith--even if one is unsure of His purpose.
I love the way God's creatures are always included in a meaningful way. Since the setting is in the country, it is a great way to include those critters. My favorite was the baby deer and the reference to fireflies. I love the way you describe day becoming night, too, as "the sun waved goodbye and the moon walked across the sky."
The leadup to the cliff hanger was handled well. Readers (&me) can picture this attack. You leave us wondering about its outcome which will draw us back to discover it.
Thank you both for sharing this great chapter. I look forward to the next one.
Respectfully with Love and Admiration,
Laura Jan
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2020
 |
Your beautiful cover highlights what will be on the pages of this novel, Bill and Cathy. I loved reading it. I have read many chapters in several of your collaborative novels; and, never tire of reading the next one--however many that 'one' may be. You work well together to develop each chapter, character, and completed novel. I like how each one begins with a synopsis of the last chapter to refresh my mind OR entice new readers to follow the book.
I never doubted the "Smoky Mountain" dialect as that is so appropriate to the setting and the characters. All of 'those' words are fitting to the circumstances; and, readers should be able to decipher each and every one.
I love how this chapter began with immediate action by Bret to save Angel after the snake bite. Your word choices aptly describe his frantic condition and provide another example of his love of Angel.
The hospital scene shows Bret's way with words while he is talking to and about the doctors. I believe he is trying to comprehend them and reassure not only Angel but himself. I could picture Angel drifting in and out of full consciousness as Bret talks with her. Angel's thoughts about the nurse--true or not--clearly express Bret's histrionics--an ingrained trait of his personality.
I love the interjections of both characters when they are speaking to God; or, when God speaks to them. Those times are an indication of true faith--even if one is unsure of His purpose.
I love the way God's creatures are always included in a meaningful way. Since the setting is in the country, it is a great way to include those critters. My favorite was the baby deer and the reference to fireflies. I love the way you describe day becoming night, too, as "the sun waved goodbye and the moon walked across the sky."
The leadup to the cliff hanger was handled well. Readers (&me) can picture this attack. You leave us wondering about its outcome which will draw us back to discover it.
Thank you both for sharing this great chapter. I look forward to the next one.
Respectfully with Love and Admiration,
Laura Jan
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2020
-
A "SALUTE," Laura Jan!
WOW! Quite some review. As always, thank you for the kind words, and taking the time to read our work. Having an "Awesome writer," such as yourself to commend our work is an honor. Now, for a little "Horn-blowing," This is one of the most kindness and in-depth reviews Cathy and I have on FanStory--toot, toot! A 2nd "SALUTE!" Best wishes for a great weekend and God Bless.
Respectfully with Love and Admiration,
Cathy and Bill
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It is MY pleasure to read and review your AWESOME chapters. A SALUTE to you and Cathy. Respectfully with Love and Admiration, Laura Jan
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A "SALUTE," from Cathy and I!
Comment from Rikki66
Remind me not to go to the mountains, snakes, and panthers Oh! lordy. Now as for the blanket on the ground in the meadow, my kind of day. A woman can imagine all kinds of things while recovering from a snake bite.
Well done looking forward to chapter 3.
RikkiLXVI
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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Remind me not to go to the mountains, snakes, and panthers Oh! lordy. Now as for the blanket on the ground in the meadow, my kind of day. A woman can imagine all kinds of things while recovering from a snake bite.
Well done looking forward to chapter 3.
RikkiLXVI
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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A "SALUTE," our dear friend!
Thanks for the review, kind words and taking the time to read our work. Best wishes for an awesome weekend and God Bless.
Respectfully with Admiration,
Cathy and Bill
Comment from BethShelby
I am continuing to enjoy your story. With the snakes and panthers you are letting ;your characters go through so rough treatment. It sounds as though Tootsie seemed to be having a bit of jealousy when she heard Bret talking to another woman.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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I am continuing to enjoy your story. With the snakes and panthers you are letting ;your characters go through so rough treatment. It sounds as though Tootsie seemed to be having a bit of jealousy when she heard Bret talking to another woman.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
-
A "SALUTE," Beth!
Thanks for the review, kind words and taking the time to read our work. Best wishes for an awesome weekend and God Bless.
Respectfully with Admiration,
Cathy and Bill
Comment from Shirley McLain
A well-written chapter. It was full of action and certainly kept me reading and enjoying the storyline. I look forward to reading more of your story. Shirley
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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A well-written chapter. It was full of action and certainly kept me reading and enjoying the storyline. I look forward to reading more of your story. Shirley
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
-
A "SALUTE," Shirley!
Thanks for the review, kind words and taking the time to read our work. Best wishes for an awesome weekend and God Bless.
Respectfully with Admiration,
Cathy and Bill
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Cathy & Bill,
Nice piece of Romance Fiction having lucid phraseology, smooth flow but not so captivating as it should have been, and which I generally feel in your works.
I'm waiting for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2020
|
Hello Cathy & Bill,
Nice piece of Romance Fiction having lucid phraseology, smooth flow but not so captivating as it should have been, and which I generally feel in your works.
I'm waiting for the next chapter.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2020
-
A "SALUTE," RP!
Awe, shucks. Not so captivating as it should have been, and which I generally feel in your works. Humm! Sorry Cathy and I let you down, our good friend. Hopefully, we'll not do it again. Best wishes and God Bless. Respectfully with Admiration, Cathy and Bill.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This story goes from one crisis to another! Now Brett is being eaten by a panther! Not a nice way to go, for sure!! At least Angel is better and home again, only to see her beloved Brett in trouble! You always end your story on such an exciting part!!!! Well done, and hurry with the next part! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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This story goes from one crisis to another! Now Brett is being eaten by a panther! Not a nice way to go, for sure!! At least Angel is better and home again, only to see her beloved Brett in trouble! You always end your story on such an exciting part!!!! Well done, and hurry with the next part! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
-
A "SALUTE," Sandra!
As always, thanks for the review, kind words, and taking the time to read our work. All of which is an honor. Best wishes for an awesome weekend and God Bless.
Respectfully with Admiration,
Cathy and Bill
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
I can see that this is the beginning of a beautiful love story. I love the setting (with so many animals, kind of magical) and clearly the characters are based on the two of you, a very likeable pair.
It's getting so hard to make good sense outta what Doctor's say anymore. -->
It's getting so hard to make good sense outta what doctors say anymore. (if you meant doctors generally)
then all he felt was an obligatioon to help me."
--> obligation
Here is where I got kind of confused. Only when I read it the second time, did I realize that Angel had recovered and had been released from the hospital. I think there may be a little blurring of dreams and reality here:
"Later, I awoke from the dream, felt the golden rays of the sun seem to kiss my face, then thanked God for His miracle of life. The days passed like water down the brook, my hospital stay went away . . . and Bret and I prayed for better days yet to come."
(Maybe there needs to be a more clear delineation?)
Another question:
"Aww, don't be mad, my friend. She's probably got a headache. I understand your frustration, 'cause Angel get's 'em too!" I howled." --> gets 'em too!
(I'm confused; Angel is talking about herself?)
I look forward to reading more about Angel and Bret, and their blossoming romance! I love that you bring your faith into the story. That makes a big difference to me as a reader.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
|
I can see that this is the beginning of a beautiful love story. I love the setting (with so many animals, kind of magical) and clearly the characters are based on the two of you, a very likeable pair.
It's getting so hard to make good sense outta what Doctor's say anymore. -->
It's getting so hard to make good sense outta what doctors say anymore. (if you meant doctors generally)
then all he felt was an obligatioon to help me."
--> obligation
Here is where I got kind of confused. Only when I read it the second time, did I realize that Angel had recovered and had been released from the hospital. I think there may be a little blurring of dreams and reality here:
"Later, I awoke from the dream, felt the golden rays of the sun seem to kiss my face, then thanked God for His miracle of life. The days passed like water down the brook, my hospital stay went away . . . and Bret and I prayed for better days yet to come."
(Maybe there needs to be a more clear delineation?)
Another question:
"Aww, don't be mad, my friend. She's probably got a headache. I understand your frustration, 'cause Angel get's 'em too!" I howled." --> gets 'em too!
(I'm confused; Angel is talking about herself?)
I look forward to reading more about Angel and Bret, and their blossoming romance! I love that you bring your faith into the story. That makes a big difference to me as a reader.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
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A "SALUTE," Mary!
Thanks for the review, kind words, help and suggestion. Cathy and I agree--edit's made. Best wishes for an awesome weekend and God Bless.
Respectfully with Admiration,
Cathy and Bill
Comment from Aaqib Naeem
A good chapter to continue the series! I liked a few things like how typical of Bret to blame God immediately when they both were not being watchful. Also, how you described that seductive lady through Angel's perspective in the hospital. Practically, shame on Bret for leaving her hanging there.
In 2nd para, you misspelled...hospital.
Best wishes for future chapters!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
|
A good chapter to continue the series! I liked a few things like how typical of Bret to blame God immediately when they both were not being watchful. Also, how you described that seductive lady through Angel's perspective in the hospital. Practically, shame on Bret for leaving her hanging there.
In 2nd para, you misspelled...hospital.
Best wishes for future chapters!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2020
-
A "SALUTE," Aaqib!
Great hearing from you. Thanks for the review, kind words, and help. Best wishes for an awesome weekend ahead and God Bless.
Respectfully with Admiration,
Cathy and Bill
