Secret Memories
Free Verse26 total reviews
Comment from Y. M. Roger
A wonderful free verse, Melissa -- especially love the setting you've provided us for contemplation along with him. Gonna make a suggestion below here, and please feel free to completely ignore as I know you had a certain thing in mind when you wrote it - we all do when it's our pen!! ;) You know it's not like me to suggest a change to a poem unless it's grammar, but, again, please do not get upset and feel free to throw the suggestion out the window!! :) Thanx for sharing such a wonderful vision this evening! ;) Yvette
Perhaps go with the present tense in the following lines and then read it aloud... really gives the piece a more inclusive feel:
He sits on the edge,
the very edge.
Furled tips tease his toes
then seep into the sucking sand
at his feet.
Luring him, seducing him,
away from silence
toward the playfulness
of the waves,
and rolling embrace
of the swells.
Yet, he remains unaware
of the rising tide
and setting sun.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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A wonderful free verse, Melissa -- especially love the setting you've provided us for contemplation along with him. Gonna make a suggestion below here, and please feel free to completely ignore as I know you had a certain thing in mind when you wrote it - we all do when it's our pen!! ;) You know it's not like me to suggest a change to a poem unless it's grammar, but, again, please do not get upset and feel free to throw the suggestion out the window!! :) Thanx for sharing such a wonderful vision this evening! ;) Yvette
Perhaps go with the present tense in the following lines and then read it aloud... really gives the piece a more inclusive feel:
He sits on the edge,
the very edge.
Furled tips tease his toes
then seep into the sucking sand
at his feet.
Luring him, seducing him,
away from silence
toward the playfulness
of the waves,
and rolling embrace
of the swells.
Yet, he remains unaware
of the rising tide
and setting sun.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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I like the suggestion and think I will change the tense. It does add a lot! Thanks so much, sweet Yvette, for your thoughtful review.
Melissa
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Whewww! No problem, my friend.... just glad you didn't get upset with me!! ;) Have a great rest of the week!! ;) :)
Comment from damommy
I love it! I like the furled tips teasing his toes. You've painted with words a vivid picture of someone who is lost in thought, not aware of much around him. But he's happy in his memories.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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I love it! I like the furled tips teasing his toes. You've painted with words a vivid picture of someone who is lost in thought, not aware of much around him. But he's happy in his memories.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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Thanks Yvonne... I just received a review from Yvette that suggested I change the tense to present tense... think I will go do that. I really appreciate your take on it. :)
Melissa
Comment from Lil' Mormon Boy
I thought this was an excellent free verse poem. A very good contestant piece. There is much thought in the words you used. Good luck.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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I thought this was an excellent free verse poem. A very good contestant piece. There is much thought in the words you used. Good luck.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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Hello LMB... thank you very much. It was the last assignment in the FanStory Free Verse class that ended tonight. Just thought I would post it. :)
Melissa
Comment from Mrs. KT
Beautiful imagery, Melissa!
And your free verse format lends itself very well to the lapping of water that I imagine as I gaze out upon the sea... as depicted in your well-chosen artwork.
If I may, one small nit:
his unseeing gazed (gaze) fixed on the sea.
Thank you for sharing!
diane
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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Beautiful imagery, Melissa!
And your free verse format lends itself very well to the lapping of water that I imagine as I gaze out upon the sea... as depicted in your well-chosen artwork.
If I may, one small nit:
his unseeing gazed (gaze) fixed on the sea.
Thank you for sharing!
diane
Comment Written 05-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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Thank you very much Diane. I typed in a hurry. We just finished our FV class ~ final one. I wanted to post my last assignment. Thanks again.
Melissa
Comment from Joan E.
You certainly captured the moment and his being lost in memories. The artwork you selected and your alliteration of "s's" added to the intensity of the mood. Cheers and best wishes in the Free Verse Contest- Joan
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reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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You certainly captured the moment and his being lost in memories. The artwork you selected and your alliteration of "s's" added to the intensity of the mood. Cheers and best wishes in the Free Verse Contest- Joan
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Comment Written 05-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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Hello Joan. Thank you very much. This was the last assignment from the FV class, which ended tonight. Now, perhaps, I can remember meter and rhyme... LOL. :)
Melissa
Comment from Sally Law
Hopefully, it's not the rip tide. It can sneak up on you like that in Florida dreaming of lost love on the beach. A fine and deep poem, Melissa,
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xo
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reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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Hopefully, it's not the rip tide. It can sneak up on you like that in Florida dreaming of lost love on the beach. A fine and deep poem, Melissa,
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xo
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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Hello Sally. Thank you for the wonderful review. No rip tides in this verse... this time. we finished up our Free Verse class tonight and I wanted to post the last assignment. Thanks so much.
Melissa
