Oh Life!
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Wonder!"Experiences of living
132 total reviews
Comment from AlvinTEthington
This does have the textbook syllabic count for tanka, but traditionally tanka are about nature in the first three lines, and have a turn from exterior imagery to interior thought between lines 3 and 4. However, the definition of tanka is now in flux. But one thing that is agreed upon is that tanka should be integrated wholes. I find the flow of the poem very choppy, especially because you end three lines with a preposition. I am not sure why you reverse the syntax in line 3. This doesn't have the understated nature that most tanka do. They are incredibly difficult to write. Normally they are more descriptive than addressed to an individual or to people in general (one seldom sees the word "you" or "I" in a tanka unless the writer is using the Imperial Court style of two heterosexual lovers in which the women writes the first three lines and the man responds with the concluding two) I do urge you to try another one. If you want to use this theme, try using symbols from nature to expound it in the first three lines, and then go to a thoughtful insight in the last two. It took me quite a while to learn how to write tanka.
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This does have the textbook syllabic count for tanka, but traditionally tanka are about nature in the first three lines, and have a turn from exterior imagery to interior thought between lines 3 and 4. However, the definition of tanka is now in flux. But one thing that is agreed upon is that tanka should be integrated wholes. I find the flow of the poem very choppy, especially because you end three lines with a preposition. I am not sure why you reverse the syntax in line 3. This doesn't have the understated nature that most tanka do. They are incredibly difficult to write. Normally they are more descriptive than addressed to an individual or to people in general (one seldom sees the word "you" or "I" in a tanka unless the writer is using the Imperial Court style of two heterosexual lovers in which the women writes the first three lines and the man responds with the concluding two) I do urge you to try another one. If you want to use this theme, try using symbols from nature to expound it in the first three lines, and then go to a thoughtful insight in the last two. It took me quite a while to learn how to write tanka.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2006
Comment from Mzhurst
Truthfully-- I hate tanka.But I must say you write it well.
I advance, you warn
If faster, you too caution < this line just doesn't seem to blend
Open heart, look at
If write simply, you jeer at
If hard or complex, point at
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Truthfully-- I hate tanka.But I must say you write it well.
I advance, you warn
If faster, you too caution < this line just doesn't seem to blend
Open heart, look at
If write simply, you jeer at
If hard or complex, point at
Comment Written 27-Jun-2006
Comment from Raquelle
Oh how so true this Tanka is....I love these Tankas but I have tried them and can't get the idea acrossed. I have seen a few on here, and they have been absolutely wonderful......Oh and Al..... Tanka you for sharing this....LOL
(just a little Raquelle BAD humor)
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Oh how so true this Tanka is....I love these Tankas but I have tried them and can't get the idea acrossed. I have seen a few on here, and they have been absolutely wonderful......Oh and Al..... Tanka you for sharing this....LOL
(just a little Raquelle BAD humor)
Comment Written 27-Jun-2006
Comment from proudgranny
A very truthful example of life I'm afraid. I really liked your poem and I would point at it as an example of writing we could all learn from!
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A very truthful example of life I'm afraid. I really liked your poem and I would point at it as an example of writing we could all learn from!
Comment Written 27-Jun-2006
Comment from Renee' J Thomas
Nice poem! I read it four times! Very short and sweet and still makes you think. It is obvious that you put lots of time and thought into this one.
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Nice poem! I read it four times! Very short and sweet and still makes you think. It is obvious that you put lots of time and thought into this one.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2006
Comment from justswf
Not a huge fan of Tankas...But this one is done well...It is simple yet complex...It holds a strong message that leaves room for multiple interpretations...Good luck with this piece...I liked the black on red...Very intense and fitting...
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Not a huge fan of Tankas...But this one is done well...It is simple yet complex...It holds a strong message that leaves room for multiple interpretations...Good luck with this piece...I liked the black on red...Very intense and fitting...
Comment Written 26-Jun-2006
Comment from CaseyMezera
Hi Al,
I liked this tanka. It shows the frustration that we all face as individuals everyday. It just goes to show that you can't please everyone, all the time.
Ax
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Hi Al,
I liked this tanka. It shows the frustration that we all face as individuals everyday. It just goes to show that you can't please everyone, all the time.
Ax
Comment Written 26-Jun-2006
Comment from ScarletAffliction
If write simply, you jeer at
You're so complex you make me wonder if I'm awake when I'm reading your little works. You're a riddle in my eyes and one I always enjoy breaking open.
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If write simply, you jeer at
You're so complex you make me wonder if I'm awake when I'm reading your little works. You're a riddle in my eyes and one I always enjoy breaking open.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2006
Comment from LadyTaz72
Nice, short and concise. Very sharp, I understand the concept but feel it maybe needs to be refined a little.
But good and gets the message across.
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Nice, short and concise. Very sharp, I understand the concept but feel it maybe needs to be refined a little.
But good and gets the message across.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2006
Comment from Kingsland
this was a very interesting piece of poetry
I found it to have a good message within it's lines
I have no suggestions for this well written verse
this was my pleasure to read and review... John
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this was a very interesting piece of poetry
I found it to have a good message within it's lines
I have no suggestions for this well written verse
this was my pleasure to read and review... John
Comment Written 26-Jun-2006
