Betrayal From Within
The beginning6 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I think you are a very astute author Bob, and you must know some things about business, this one brought some satisfaction, because in reality it's usually greed and ambition that seem to work, nothin business and politics, I've always known what's going on, but never cunning enough to take advantage, well done my friend, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
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I think you are a very astute author Bob, and you must know some things about business, this one brought some satisfaction, because in reality it's usually greed and ambition that seem to work, nothin business and politics, I've always known what's going on, but never cunning enough to take advantage, well done my friend, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 29-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
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Thank you Roy, your comments are always appreciated.
Comment from Tami Urbanek
I enjoyed reading this piece that is obviously from a book to be complete. I'm intrigued by PJ and Helen. Questions that come to mind (not for you to answer just sharing my thoughts): what is the backstory? Why is Helen up in arms? What is PJ actually doing and why?
Side note: you have some words capitalized that should be lower case.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
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I enjoyed reading this piece that is obviously from a book to be complete. I'm intrigued by PJ and Helen. Questions that come to mind (not for you to answer just sharing my thoughts): what is the backstory? Why is Helen up in arms? What is PJ actually doing and why?
Side note: you have some words capitalized that should be lower case.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
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Tami, you're most perceptive, there is a fair amount of backstory. I hope to post part two tomorrow. Thank you for reviewing my work.
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This is an engaging family business drama. Your main character is captivating.
Here are some suggested edits:
the twin sister's greed and gold --> the twin sisters greed and gold (no need for the possessive, it's just a plural)
She was the one director he knew nothing about. Well no recent knowledge. --> She was the one director he knew nothing about -- well, no recent knowledge.
Polite at first then it grew more enthusiastic. --> Polite at first, then it grew more enthusiastic.
His facial expression, more than any word he could employ indicated his anger. --> His facial expression, more than any word he could employ, indicated his anger.
"It's my doing," responded Helen not in the least bit it seemed intimidated by PJ's comment. --> "It's my doing," responded Helen, who seemed not in the least bit intimidated by PJ's comment.
PJ could be seen walking away from the camera and head back towards the boardroom. --> PJ could be seen walking away from the camera and heading back towards the boardroom.
"I feel on that dignified, and might I add recorded and threatening note make my way out of the boardroom for the last time. --> "I will on that dignified, and might I add recorded and threatening note, now make my way out of the boardroom for the last time.
I know it's already a rewrite, but maybe my edits will be helpful also? It looks like you're well on your way to the beginning of an interesting story!
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2020
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This is an engaging family business drama. Your main character is captivating.
Here are some suggested edits:
the twin sister's greed and gold --> the twin sisters greed and gold (no need for the possessive, it's just a plural)
She was the one director he knew nothing about. Well no recent knowledge. --> She was the one director he knew nothing about -- well, no recent knowledge.
Polite at first then it grew more enthusiastic. --> Polite at first, then it grew more enthusiastic.
His facial expression, more than any word he could employ indicated his anger. --> His facial expression, more than any word he could employ, indicated his anger.
"It's my doing," responded Helen not in the least bit it seemed intimidated by PJ's comment. --> "It's my doing," responded Helen, who seemed not in the least bit intimidated by PJ's comment.
PJ could be seen walking away from the camera and head back towards the boardroom. --> PJ could be seen walking away from the camera and heading back towards the boardroom.
"I feel on that dignified, and might I add recorded and threatening note make my way out of the boardroom for the last time. --> "I will on that dignified, and might I add recorded and threatening note, now make my way out of the boardroom for the last time.
I know it's already a rewrite, but maybe my edits will be helpful also? It looks like you're well on your way to the beginning of an interesting story!
Comment Written 29-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2020
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Thank you Mary Kay for what I consider a perfect review. I've made the corrections you suggest. Your comments have improved the work amazingly.
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You're very welcome, Bob. So glad to be of help. I try to do that, when I am able to. Best wishes!
Comment from BrooklynnPreston
The detail in this work is very well written. I love the way you wrote the conversations between some, making it seem as if they were spitting acid themselves. Well done!
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2020
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The detail in this work is very well written. I love the way you wrote the conversations between some, making it seem as if they were spitting acid themselves. Well done!
Comment Written 29-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2020
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. And I appreciate your comments. I'm delighted to read my dialogue promoted the sarcasm as it was intended.
Comment from Darlene Franklin
Pared down and off to an exciting start. I enjoyed this chapter before, and I enjoy it even more now. I wonder if the story will continue about the family tensions, or if they will become rivals as he switches to a new company, or if it will head in a different direction.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2020
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Pared down and off to an exciting start. I enjoyed this chapter before, and I enjoy it even more now. I wonder if the story will continue about the family tensions, or if they will become rivals as he switches to a new company, or if it will head in a different direction.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2020
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Thank you Darlene. Your review was the inspiration that made me pull out this one third completed manuscript and decide to resurrect it. For that you will always have my gratitude. If however you hear a distant voice screaming in pain over here in Australia that will be me in frustration as I struggle with my characters.
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my review? Oh, wow, I'm honored! You're welcome.
Comment from Cindy Warren
I get the feeling that Helen's takeover bid is about to blow up in her face. What will PJ do about the ones who followed her? I can't imagine he'll want them around. Betrayal can bring on some pretty nasty karma.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2020
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I get the feeling that Helen's takeover bid is about to blow up in her face. What will PJ do about the ones who followed her? I can't imagine he'll want them around. Betrayal can bring on some pretty nasty karma.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2020
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate your offering comment. good reviews are how we improve our writing.
