Hosea and the Lost Souls
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Highest Calling"Hosea seeks souls out west to cure his curse
7 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
You have some great lines and great characterization developing here. I laughed at this one: "There's gold in Silver Creek!"
I think you do a good job with description and planning things out. I would tweak the punctuation and spelling in quite a few places, so if I were getting this ready to send to a publisher, this is how I would clean it up a bit:
A gristly (try grizzled) old man rode his sagging mule into town. He fired his six-shooter into the blue mountain sky(insert comma) until a smoke cloud choked the air. "There's gold in Silver Creek!"
The miner held the one-pound nugget in his gnarled hand for all the world to see, or whoever was left to linger in the old silver mining town after it went bust. A handful of stubborn souls stepped out into the dusty street. (Really like that 's' alliteration there.)
Dirk Blake was the first one to greet the old-timer since he'd bought up the vacant town for two bits on the dollar. He owned nearly every sore (store) and tender building in town, and what he didn't own he took in taxes. He invited his new-found friend into his saloon for a drink.
The old timer clutched his nugget in one hand and a shot glass in the other, as Blake poured him a sample of his best whiskey. Betsy, the one harlot who remained after the town's demise and had nowhere else to live, laughed it up with the pair and teased the old man with her raven hair until he turned three shades of red. (just put 'and' after 'demise')
Dirk Blake hid a wry smile beneath his handlebar moustache. A shrewd businessman, he knew the miner's slack mouth would bring in more money than the nugget itself. That day, it was the man's good fortune he was worth more alive--than dead. (I think I would take those two short dashes out between alive and than.)
Several days later:
Just say: Several days later, Hosea and his horse, Patches, found a crest on the mountain where he could scope a sweeping view of Silver Creek and beyond.
Hosea and his horse Patches found a crest on the mountain where he could scope a sweeping view of Silver Creek and beyond. He breathed a sigh of thin air, sensing his crossroad of purpose was near.
There's more but that's a good start.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2020
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You have some great lines and great characterization developing here. I laughed at this one: "There's gold in Silver Creek!"
I think you do a good job with description and planning things out. I would tweak the punctuation and spelling in quite a few places, so if I were getting this ready to send to a publisher, this is how I would clean it up a bit:
A gristly (try grizzled) old man rode his sagging mule into town. He fired his six-shooter into the blue mountain sky(insert comma) until a smoke cloud choked the air. "There's gold in Silver Creek!"
The miner held the one-pound nugget in his gnarled hand for all the world to see, or whoever was left to linger in the old silver mining town after it went bust. A handful of stubborn souls stepped out into the dusty street. (Really like that 's' alliteration there.)
Dirk Blake was the first one to greet the old-timer since he'd bought up the vacant town for two bits on the dollar. He owned nearly every sore (store) and tender building in town, and what he didn't own he took in taxes. He invited his new-found friend into his saloon for a drink.
The old timer clutched his nugget in one hand and a shot glass in the other, as Blake poured him a sample of his best whiskey. Betsy, the one harlot who remained after the town's demise and had nowhere else to live, laughed it up with the pair and teased the old man with her raven hair until he turned three shades of red. (just put 'and' after 'demise')
Dirk Blake hid a wry smile beneath his handlebar moustache. A shrewd businessman, he knew the miner's slack mouth would bring in more money than the nugget itself. That day, it was the man's good fortune he was worth more alive--than dead. (I think I would take those two short dashes out between alive and than.)
Several days later:
Just say: Several days later, Hosea and his horse, Patches, found a crest on the mountain where he could scope a sweeping view of Silver Creek and beyond.
Hosea and his horse Patches found a crest on the mountain where he could scope a sweeping view of Silver Creek and beyond. He breathed a sigh of thin air, sensing his crossroad of purpose was near.
There's more but that's a good start.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2020
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Thanks Crystie,
I appreciate the fact that you have an understanding of the western prose and lore. You picked up on my alliterations. I know one has to be careful not expose to much of it, because it can sound cheesy after awhile. So appreciate your smart remarks. Welcome editing help. I'm the worst self-editor this side of the river.
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This is a well written chapter of Western fiction that sets the scene for what I imagine will be more action to come. Hosea seems to be likable as the man who will eventually become the new preacher.
I caught some minor errors:
Dirk Blake was first one to greet --> Dirk Blake was the first one to greet
He owned nearly every sore and tender building --> store
In the sixth paragraph, you mentioned "schooners." Aren't they boats? Isn't this a prairie town? What are they doing in a prairie?
The chapter ends with an air of mystery. It promises that the rest of the book will be captivating and that answers will be forthcoming.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2020
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This is a well written chapter of Western fiction that sets the scene for what I imagine will be more action to come. Hosea seems to be likable as the man who will eventually become the new preacher.
I caught some minor errors:
Dirk Blake was first one to greet --> Dirk Blake was the first one to greet
He owned nearly every sore and tender building --> store
In the sixth paragraph, you mentioned "schooners." Aren't they boats? Isn't this a prairie town? What are they doing in a prairie?
The chapter ends with an air of mystery. It promises that the rest of the book will be captivating and that answers will be forthcoming.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2020
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Thank you so much for your skillful review. I will take notes.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Highest Calling is your first piece I have come across on FanStory, and I always enjoy a good Western. My reviews are mere suggestions, so feel free to keep anything that provides assistance and/or chuck the whole shebang.
-'birds eye view" should probably be "bird's eye view"
-"sagging mule" - paints a vivid image of the animal and how it is loaded down
-"There's gold in Silver Creek" - in the Old West a proclamation of that nature tended to turn a ghost town into a vibrant locale
-"Dirk Blake was first one to greet the old-timer" should probably be "Dirk Blake was the first one to greet the old-timer"
That paragraph may read better as "Dirk Blake was the first one to greet the old-timer. He owned nearly every sore and tender building in town since he'd bought up the vacant town for two bits on the dollar. What he didn't own he took in taxes. He invited his new-found friend into his saloon for a drink." - obvious Blake has ill intentions on his mind
"worth more alive--than dead" - demonstrates Blake's intent and portrays his villain side
Seems "Hosea" has plans of his own for the town, and they may not be the best ones. Also indicates his colorful/checkered past
"foreboding inkwell of darkness where the price of death had been paid many times over" - paints quite an illusion
Having "nothing left to lose" adds intrigue as you proceed into the next chapter and makes the reader want to continue with the story
-You don't list the chapter number for Highest Calling. Which chapter is it?
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2020
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Highest Calling is your first piece I have come across on FanStory, and I always enjoy a good Western. My reviews are mere suggestions, so feel free to keep anything that provides assistance and/or chuck the whole shebang.
-'birds eye view" should probably be "bird's eye view"
-"sagging mule" - paints a vivid image of the animal and how it is loaded down
-"There's gold in Silver Creek" - in the Old West a proclamation of that nature tended to turn a ghost town into a vibrant locale
-"Dirk Blake was first one to greet the old-timer" should probably be "Dirk Blake was the first one to greet the old-timer"
That paragraph may read better as "Dirk Blake was the first one to greet the old-timer. He owned nearly every sore and tender building in town since he'd bought up the vacant town for two bits on the dollar. What he didn't own he took in taxes. He invited his new-found friend into his saloon for a drink." - obvious Blake has ill intentions on his mind
"worth more alive--than dead" - demonstrates Blake's intent and portrays his villain side
Seems "Hosea" has plans of his own for the town, and they may not be the best ones. Also indicates his colorful/checkered past
"foreboding inkwell of darkness where the price of death had been paid many times over" - paints quite an illusion
Having "nothing left to lose" adds intrigue as you proceed into the next chapter and makes the reader want to continue with the story
-You don't list the chapter number for Highest Calling. Which chapter is it?
Comment Written 26-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2020
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I didn't realize chapter number didn't show. Thanks for your skillful review. I will take notes.
Comment from Ricky1024
This chapter"Highest Calling"
Was well-written and Rich in Theme and Imagery
...
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Thanks,
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2020
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This chapter"Highest Calling"
Was well-written and Rich in Theme and Imagery
...
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Thanks,
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 26-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2020
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Thanks so much. Your words offer a good deal of encouragement. Stan
Comment from Mistydawn
This is a well-written chapter, interesting, very realistic. It reminds me of the research I was doing on a small mining town in Colorado, St. Elmo. It did good for a little while, longer than most in the area, but the harsh winter's, the town's seclusion eventually took its toll. Your story is well-written, very interesting, believable. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2020
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This is a well-written chapter, interesting, very realistic. It reminds me of the research I was doing on a small mining town in Colorado, St. Elmo. It did good for a little while, longer than most in the area, but the harsh winter's, the town's seclusion eventually took its toll. Your story is well-written, very interesting, believable. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2020
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Thanks so much. I appreciate how you got the sense of realism for its day.
Comment from w.j.debi
The sense of place is well done. It can practically taste the dust from the road in the air. This preacher is taking on quite a challenge. I'm sure once the gold fever has passed, he will be needed.
Did you mean "store" in this sentence:
He owned nearly every sore and tender building in town, and what he didn't own he took in taxes.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2020
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The sense of place is well done. It can practically taste the dust from the road in the air. This preacher is taking on quite a challenge. I'm sure once the gold fever has passed, he will be needed.
Did you mean "store" in this sentence:
He owned nearly every sore and tender building in town, and what he didn't own he took in taxes.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2020
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Thanks so much. I appreciate the review and help. Stan
Comment from VanessaDanRun
Really good imagery throughout the whole story! I love the western feel it brings and when I'm reading it I have that western accent in my head lol. Is this part of a novel your writing? Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2020
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Really good imagery throughout the whole story! I love the western feel it brings and when I'm reading it I have that western accent in my head lol. Is this part of a novel your writing? Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 25-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2020
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Thanks so much. It means much to hear that you got the western accent or flavor. Stan
