Baby, It's You
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Chapter 7"Two Sister set their sights on the same guy
2 total reviews
Comment from Janilou
I think the kids are in for it! LOL Their dads are together drinking beer? Sounds like trouble to me. :-)
Interesting chapter. I found a few edits for you to consider:
Notes:
"You know what Chucky(?) Shut the fuck up! Do you think I look nice?" she asks me. I get distracted by the movement on the stairs. Katrina.
"I'll be careful. Is it okay if I drive everyone to the caf�©, Mr. Camacho?"
Looks like the evil editor at FanStory didn't like the word café
"No, thanks. I guess you can call me a loser too." I say. She rolls her eyes and walks off with her friends.
I would suggest adding a line space:
"No, thanks. I guess you can call me a loser too." I say.
She rolls her eyes and walks off with her friends.
We go into the caf�©, and there is all sort of people in there. It is cool here.
There goes that evil little editor messing with your words again.
"Dude, it's almost curfew where the fuck is Karo!" he yells. "Shit(,) my bad."
Add comma.
All the best,
Jan
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2021
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I think the kids are in for it! LOL Their dads are together drinking beer? Sounds like trouble to me. :-)
Interesting chapter. I found a few edits for you to consider:
Notes:
"You know what Chucky(?) Shut the fuck up! Do you think I look nice?" she asks me. I get distracted by the movement on the stairs. Katrina.
"I'll be careful. Is it okay if I drive everyone to the caf�©, Mr. Camacho?"
Looks like the evil editor at FanStory didn't like the word café
"No, thanks. I guess you can call me a loser too." I say. She rolls her eyes and walks off with her friends.
I would suggest adding a line space:
"No, thanks. I guess you can call me a loser too." I say.
She rolls her eyes and walks off with her friends.
We go into the caf�©, and there is all sort of people in there. It is cool here.
There goes that evil little editor messing with your words again.
"Dude, it's almost curfew where the fuck is Karo!" he yells. "Shit(,) my bad."
Add comma.
All the best,
Jan
Comment Written 15-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2021
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thanks
Comment from Tina Crute
This was an easy read because it was so interesting. Kudos for doing a great job bringing out the different personalities here. Its a shame that a great time ended the minute they walked in! There were several punctuation errors, but it didn't affect my reading. A quick run-through and you can find them easily. I loved the story. It brought back group dynamics from high school:)
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
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This was an easy read because it was so interesting. Kudos for doing a great job bringing out the different personalities here. Its a shame that a great time ended the minute they walked in! There were several punctuation errors, but it didn't affect my reading. A quick run-through and you can find them easily. I loved the story. It brought back group dynamics from high school:)
Comment Written 15-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
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Thank you very much! I appreciate it!
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Thank YOU!
Seriously, you are welcome!
Tina
