Baby, It's You
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Chapter 6"Two Sister set their sights on the same guy
2 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Sly,
Interesting addition to your story. But I need you to remember that the reader still only sees, hears, feels, tastes, etc, what you TELL/SHOW them. Even though you see it clearly in your head, you must convey it all to the reader before they get the same image and understanding.
Always try to 'ground' your scenes -- where are the characters? What does the room/view/scene look like? What do they see? You need to use ALL the senses so the reader will feel like they are actually 'falling INTO' the story.
Other notes, if I may:
1.) My mom made some banana pudding, and I look at Marco, and his eyes light up, and then they go sad, but it vanishes right away.
--> don't need so many 'and's
--> My mom made some banana pudding and I look at Marco(.) His eyes light up, then go sad, but it vanishes right away.
2.) "Leave him alone. He knows what's good(,)" Chucky says.
--> speech tag. You need to be sure and check out that website I gave you on dialogue???
3.) "Fuck (you,) Chucky(! M)ind your business!" (s)he says. "Why are you even here?"
--> I've talked to a lot of writers lately, so forgive me if I repeat myself. *smile* Please be aware that you can have a fabulous storyline and wonderful characters - a million $ potential in sales - BUT an editor will not touch your book/ manuscript if it's filled with errors. There are a million writers with a million books vying for their attention. Lots and lots of goooooood stories. They will spend their time on the ones that won't require as much time and labor to correct. Does that makes sense? (I hope it doesn't sound rude or mean. It's simply the facts of this business. WE the writers have to learn our craft as well as possible to compete.) BUT that's also one fab bonus of FS - it will help in a lot of these areas. *smile*
4.) our guests for your disgusting attitude(,)" Mama says through gritted teeth.
--> (speech tag)
--> won't mark anymore of these but you need to go through and correct the rest - If you need that website again, let me know
5.) "I'm sorry." She says.
--> pronouns usually refer to the last person mentioned. In this case it was mama
6.) "Eighteen," both Karolina and I say at the same time. We laugh at his expression that creeps people out, but we can't help it.
--> more info needed. What was the expression? Why was it made? Why would it creep people out? I don't get it
7.) "Wait, (you're) nineteen and a senior? Did you flunk or something?" Chucky asks.
8.) "Damn, Marco, I'm so sorry. I feel like shit." Chucky says, feeling horrible.
--> this is called TELLING - it would be better to share info like this through SHOWING. For ex.
--> Chucky's face turned white and his eyes grew wide. He stuttered for a second before muttering, "D-damn, Marco, I'm so sorry. I feel like shit."
9.) and I wanted to go to the Cyber Caf�© tonight? Can we go?" I ask.
--> remove those extra symbols Evil Eddie has added
--> and later in the story, too
10.) "That's fine." He says, and Karolina starts to leave the dining (room).
11.) I go to my closet and (rummage) through my clothing.
12.) I grab (a) black tank top bodysuit and dark blue
That's it. I think you are a talented writer with a lot of potential. (Not that my opinion matters for much. ha) I sure hope that my negative comments don't discourage you. But it's sooooo important that a writer learn to carry her/his own weight.
We've had lazy writers here who just posted crappy, unedited pieces exactly so that other writers would do all their editing. *smile* The sad fact of that is that the other writers catch on pretty fast and start leaving out important details in their reviews. Or stop reviewing altogether.
You learn that, though you love and WANT the help from extra sets of eyes, you can never DEPEND on them for your own success. I hope that makes sense.
Much good luck to you!
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2021
   |
Sly,
Interesting addition to your story. But I need you to remember that the reader still only sees, hears, feels, tastes, etc, what you TELL/SHOW them. Even though you see it clearly in your head, you must convey it all to the reader before they get the same image and understanding.
Always try to 'ground' your scenes -- where are the characters? What does the room/view/scene look like? What do they see? You need to use ALL the senses so the reader will feel like they are actually 'falling INTO' the story.
Other notes, if I may:
1.) My mom made some banana pudding, and I look at Marco, and his eyes light up, and then they go sad, but it vanishes right away.
--> don't need so many 'and's
--> My mom made some banana pudding and I look at Marco(.) His eyes light up, then go sad, but it vanishes right away.
2.) "Leave him alone. He knows what's good(,)" Chucky says.
--> speech tag. You need to be sure and check out that website I gave you on dialogue???
3.) "Fuck (you,) Chucky(! M)ind your business!" (s)he says. "Why are you even here?"
--> I've talked to a lot of writers lately, so forgive me if I repeat myself. *smile* Please be aware that you can have a fabulous storyline and wonderful characters - a million $ potential in sales - BUT an editor will not touch your book/ manuscript if it's filled with errors. There are a million writers with a million books vying for their attention. Lots and lots of goooooood stories. They will spend their time on the ones that won't require as much time and labor to correct. Does that makes sense? (I hope it doesn't sound rude or mean. It's simply the facts of this business. WE the writers have to learn our craft as well as possible to compete.) BUT that's also one fab bonus of FS - it will help in a lot of these areas. *smile*
4.) our guests for your disgusting attitude(,)" Mama says through gritted teeth.
--> (speech tag)
--> won't mark anymore of these but you need to go through and correct the rest - If you need that website again, let me know
5.) "I'm sorry." She says.
--> pronouns usually refer to the last person mentioned. In this case it was mama
6.) "Eighteen," both Karolina and I say at the same time. We laugh at his expression that creeps people out, but we can't help it.
--> more info needed. What was the expression? Why was it made? Why would it creep people out? I don't get it
7.) "Wait, (you're) nineteen and a senior? Did you flunk or something?" Chucky asks.
8.) "Damn, Marco, I'm so sorry. I feel like shit." Chucky says, feeling horrible.
--> this is called TELLING - it would be better to share info like this through SHOWING. For ex.
--> Chucky's face turned white and his eyes grew wide. He stuttered for a second before muttering, "D-damn, Marco, I'm so sorry. I feel like shit."
9.) and I wanted to go to the Cyber Caf�© tonight? Can we go?" I ask.
--> remove those extra symbols Evil Eddie has added
--> and later in the story, too
10.) "That's fine." He says, and Karolina starts to leave the dining (room).
11.) I go to my closet and (rummage) through my clothing.
12.) I grab (a) black tank top bodysuit and dark blue
That's it. I think you are a talented writer with a lot of potential. (Not that my opinion matters for much. ha) I sure hope that my negative comments don't discourage you. But it's sooooo important that a writer learn to carry her/his own weight.
We've had lazy writers here who just posted crappy, unedited pieces exactly so that other writers would do all their editing. *smile* The sad fact of that is that the other writers catch on pretty fast and start leaving out important details in their reviews. Or stop reviewing altogether.
You learn that, though you love and WANT the help from extra sets of eyes, you can never DEPEND on them for your own success. I hope that makes sense.
Much good luck to you!
Comment Written 17-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2021
-
thanks
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Sylcastillo14, a wonderful Wednesday to you, I hope this review finds you well. I usually don't like to start reading novels unless I start from the beginning, but I starting reading this one for some reason. It was an enjoyable read and I liked that banter between the characters. One bit of advice I would give would be spacing. It would make it a lot easier to read if you added spaces between paragraphs and dialogue between characters. Aside from that good job and have a great day!
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
|
Hello Sylcastillo14, a wonderful Wednesday to you, I hope this review finds you well. I usually don't like to start reading novels unless I start from the beginning, but I starting reading this one for some reason. It was an enjoyable read and I liked that banter between the characters. One bit of advice I would give would be spacing. It would make it a lot easier to read if you added spaces between paragraphs and dialogue between characters. Aside from that good job and have a great day!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
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Thank you so much! I will keep the spacing in mind.
