Reviews from

Celtic Roots

Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "A summer lost"
Autobiography of an oldest son lost in a family

16 total reviews 
Comment from Teri7
Excellent
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This is a very interesting and well written chapter. The descriptive words were really good and almost a big too much for the cast scene! I enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Blessings, Teri

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
    Teri, thank you oops hope it wasn't too raw..I apprecaite your comments.
reply by Teri7 on 15-Jan-2020
    lol no, I just have a sensitive stomach at times and I remember growing up and my little brother having a cast and it being cut off. Not a good smell! loll. Have a great day my friend. They want us to be descriptive so go for it!
Comment from Pam Norris
Excellent
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I really enjoyed this piece. I could picture the events that happened, and you described the emotions and odours of the cast being removed so well. I felt like I was there.

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
    Pam, thanks
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Excellent
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You've had an unbearable summer. I've been in a cast, too, so I know the feeling. I can imagine you crossed off the days on the calendar. What an ordeal. I hope you got to swim!

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
    Rosemary, it was a long, sticky hot summer, and no I was unable to get into the pool. Ugh!
Comment from Carl DeVere
Excellent
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A sweet and compelling tale of youth and the surprises that accompany the wonder of it all. I was amused at first and related to your trickery in getting permission--that was nervy. I wondered about your blaming yourself for this matter. I might have well come to the same conclusion--but maybe not...being nervy is sometimes valuable. Your experience of 50 years of writing shows well in this piece and you certainly know how to hold the attention of the reader. Well done.

 Comment Written 13-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
    Carl, thank you for your validation.
Comment from estory
Excellent
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It's a great bones of a story, but I think I would rather listen to it told in dialogue; bring us into the moments, have us go through the pains with you. I think it seems to me the gist of this story is that you learned how important the people around you can be, especially at unexpected times. Trying to make it on your own can be next to impossible. Your sister was a godsend. estory

 Comment Written 13-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
    Estory, perhaps someday I will do a taped reading of the book in my native brogue.
Comment from Barbaraj1
Excellent
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This was an interesting story. Your whole summer was ruined. Not
only could you not swim, but you couldn't do anything! You have a brave
sister. I look forward to the next chapter.

 Comment Written 13-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 13-Jan-2020
    Barbara, thanks for reviewing and commenting!
Comment from sandramitchell
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That must have been the worst school summer holiday you had. I loved the part about your little sister beating up the mouthy boy, bless her heart! She must have worried him to back off! LOL. You were very lucky not to have killed yourself falling off that ladder. I bet you never told a fib again. I really enjoyed reading your story and I'm looking forward to the next summer story. :)) Sandra xx

 Comment Written 13-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 13-Jan-2020
    Sandra, you can certainly imagine the life lesson that was drilled into into my DNA about the necessity for truthfulness.
Comment from Sally Law
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My goodness, what a trial for one so young. That's what people have said to me so you're not alone. The good thing is, I see the man you are today and know you overcame.

A few improvements for your consideration.

"Not being able to swim, compounded with my lie, made it burdensome." Smoother and more concise.

"The standard order for new x-rays took place and then the long wait to be escorted into the examination room took place." I would remove the second "took place" and just rephrase this to end with a period after examination room. The standard order for new x-rays took place and then the long wait to be escorted into the examination room." Smoother.

I hope you find these helpful. I have a life story on here way back in my portfolio if you have time to read it. My family and friends say it is my best ever in the hundreds of articles and stories I've written. It's called, The Scent of Fear. I hope you'll read it.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xo


 Comment Written 13-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 13-Jan-2020
    Sally, I am very grateful for your very concise suggestions that make this flow much smoother. As always, I am grateful!

    I will go into your portfolio and read your life story. I am certain that doing so will stimulate my thinking process in my work.
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Excellent
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JLR: great story. So glad that you got help right away. I'm sure you felt like a turtle for awhile in the cast. Swimming is great exercise for rehab. Maybe, you got water therapy after the cast was off. You can help other people who can relate to your story. Happy New Year. flylikeaneagle

 Comment Written 12-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 13-Jan-2020
    flylikeaneagle, happy New Year back at you! Thanks for the review and comments.
Comment from JudyE
Excellent
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What an awful trial for you to go through! But how fortunate that it seems you came through it all with, hopefully, full use of your arms.

I found a number of small glitches and have given four stars. I'm happy to give five after some edits have been made.


Located just a couple of blocks from our home, on Haven street, - I think this should be 'Haven Street' (both capitalised)

The swimming pool opened the first Saturday in June at 1:00 PM for open swimming, but what was incredibly special, was the swimming pool provided swimming lessons for several age groups.
Having turned ten-years-old in March and already a surprisingly good swimmer - double spacing needed between these two paragraphs

gave the documents to the instructor, who looked over the paper, look at me a bit more closely - should be 'looked at me'

I really didn't give this much of a thought. ...... Not giving this much thought, I went ahead - I wonder if you want to vary this phrase as something very similar is also used earlier.

got the bucket of paint on the ladders shelf - apostrophe needed - ladder's shelf

As I plummeted to the ground, with the bucket in hands - maybe 'in my hands'

Whatever of those moments were, first, I did pass out! - delete comma after 'were'

Sometime relatively soon, my sister Millie found me on the ground - commas either side of 'Millie'

She screamed a bloody scream - I would delete 'a bloody scream'

Just one look at the situation, my grandfather grabbed some wooden shingles - maybe 'After just one look....'

and broke out in a drenching sweat that became soaked top to bottom - maybe 'that saw me become soaked...'

The ER doctor looked at the arms and said to the nurse, "to get me to the radiology department stat." - maybe 'told the nurse'

I might have rearranged 'Then he instructed the staff when I returned to try and get the drying paint' to 'When I returned, he instructed the staff to try and get the drying paint..'

About 45 minutes later, I met Dr. Wallace who was an orthopedic surgeon - comma after 'Wallace'

He told us that I was one remarkably lucky lad, the fractures would not require surgery - period after 'lad'

your summer is going to be long and challenging, you will be in this cast setup for 3 months - period after 'challenging'

I instantly thought this is God's punishment for lying about my age - single quotes needed round 'this is God's punishment for lying about my age. My summer vacation is doomed, my junior lifeguard training is not going to happen!'

Then as I looked left and right at my arms girded in plaster - comma after 'Then'

My hands were very cast in such a manner - delete 'very'

I learned a thing or two about myself this summer - I think this would be better as 'that summer'

One, I did not like, in fact, hated having to be waited on - delete comma after 'One', add comma after 'hated'

The radiologist took x-rays, when Dr. Wallace came in - period after 'x-rays'

"we have some good news and some not so good news." "The bones in both arms are healing, they are straight, and I can see good new bone growth, but I was hoping we could reduce the need for the body cast. However, I don't feel we can take the risk of your arms not being completely immobile and slings will not work." "I can give you some more mobility with your hands by cutting away the cast from the fingers but not the wrist." - delete quote marks in the middle of this paragraph. They are not needed.

we had to walk past the swimming pool, which as a double whammy to my psyche- should be 'which was a ....'

the heckling and sneering was quite abundant - should be 'were quite abundant'

One day as we were just arriving at the park - comma after 'day'

The next thing I saw Millie, charging over to the crowd of mostly boys and began pummeling the boy that had the loudest mouth and beat on him until he with shocked look backed away and told the group of guys to just let us be. - I might have rearranged this slightly. Maybe consider 'The next thing, Millie charged over to the crowd of mostly boys and began pummeling the boy that had the loudest mouth and beat on him until he, with shocked look, backed away and told the group of guys to just let us be.'

Dr. Wallace came in, smiles, grabbed the saw, - should be 'smiled'

Thanks for an interesting read.

Judy

 Comment Written 12-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 13-Jan-2020
    Judy, Always very grateful for such a competent writer as you are to invest so much time to read my work and provide concrete suggestions in a very professional manner. I am, without any doubt, very appreciative.
reply by JudyE on 13-Jan-2020
    You're always welcome. I enjoy reviewing, especially when the writing is so interesting. :)